A HALLOWEEN STORY

The clouds flitted across the moon, making it difficult for her to get a good idea of her bearings.

This had seemed a good idea a few hours ago, getting in the car and driving down to see her friends. She'd made good time down the motorway till the signs said it was closed ahead and she had to leave at the next exit.

She'd followed all the other cars mindlessly hoping that the one in front knew where they were going. Then she'd seen a sign for the town she wanted. It was obviously the back way into town, but at least it would get her there in time for supper at the rate she was going.

All was well, till she remembered that she was running low on petrol. 'Oh Bloody Hell' she muttered to herself, she'd only been a couple of miles from the service station, and in all the chaos of getting off the road she'd forgotten. Not that she'd passed any petrol stations anyway

Well she'd just have to carry on driving, and hope that she came across one soon. She thought she'd try her friends to let them know where she was, but in the way of these things there was no signal on her phone.

The lanes she was driving round seemed to wind every which way, this may not have been her best idea after all she thought ruefully. And the worry about the petrol was starting to make her anxious.

But nothing for it but to carry on. Then the car started sputtering in the way that cars without fuel do and so she had no choice but to pull in the side of the road and put on her hazard warning lights.

Opening the boot, she got out her coat, wrapped her scarf tight round her neck, picked up her bag and put it across her body, locked the car and set off.

The road was illuminated by the light of the moon, so she made good progress initially, but then the clouds started building up making it more difficult to see her way ahead.

This was not the night to be doing this she thought,it was Halloween, and although it was still relatively early it was very dark. But she wasn't one to scare easily. Or so she thought. But once that thought about it being Halloween had entered her head, she started hearing noises around her.

She kept telling herself not to be silly it was the wind rustling, or the small creatures in the undergrowth. There was no point in being fanciful about ghosts and ghouls.

She was almost at the point of beginning to panic when ahead of her she saw a light shinning. The relief. She'd go to the house and ask to use the phone, and find out where the nearest petrol station was.

Even better, as she got closer she realised it was a pub. She rushed forward but when she got to the front door it was locked, undeterred she tried the side door, also locked, but all the lights were ablaze, she could see inside the pub, the fire burning, the bar with it's optics all lit up, chairs pushed back from tables as if people had left in a hurry

This was so frustrating and she wanted to cry, where was everyone. She banged on the door, but no-one came. This was too much, and the tears started to fall. A voice beside her spoke, saying 'don't cry maid it's all right'.

She turned to see a middle aged man, dressed in slightly old fashioned clothes. She thought he must just be a local man, so thought no more about what he was wearing or that he called her maid. She was just so relived, she quickly explained that she'd run out of fuel and where she was going.

He said he and his mate would sort it out,as another man came out of the shadows towards her. This didn't feel quite as safe, but the first man said, that his mate would go down to get the fuel, and that he would walk her back to her car to wait for him, as he couldn't have her wandering around this time of night by herself.

She didn't feel she had a choice, so she had to put her trust in this plan, as she had no idea of where she was, or how far it was to the town. And this pub seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, there were no other lights that she could see around.

Picking up a lantern with a candle in it, the first man started walking beside her back to the car. He didn't talk, and for that she was grateful as she was scared being alone with this man on this dark lane, and her teeth were chattering.

They got back to the car, and weirdly when they got there the other man was waiting with a can of fuel. She didn't see his car, but she was much too relieved to have the petrol put into her car to be really taking any notice.

She asked how far to the town, and they told her it was just a couple of miles the way she'd been walking. She thanked them for their kindness, and realised that not everyone out there is a rapist. They both smiled and wished her a safe journey.

Getting in the car, she started the engine and opening the window to wave and say a final thanks she realised they'd already gone, which was odd.

Driving back along the road, she reached the place she thought the pub was. But there was nothing there. Well not strictly true, there was a pub sign swinging in the wind, but the pub was burnt to the ground and in ruins and looked as if it had been like that for sometime.

But instead of being scared by this discovery it made her feel safe, as if in her hour of need that the ghosts, which up until that point she'd never believed in, were tonight looking after her, cause it was Halloween and they where about on the earth, coming through that thin veil that, is as it is on this one night of the year.

Happy Halloween!

LIFE IMITATING ART??

I decided in the interests of the American Election to rewatch series 7 of West Wing.
This has to be my all time favourite programme, the humour, sharp dialogue and the fantastic presidential qualities of President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) It is the only TV programme I have ever bought. I have all seven boxes. They sit waiting for me to need some serious time out, and then to slip on a disc, and not move till I've watched all four episodes on each disc.

Anyway series 7 is astonishing. It is about the election of a new President after two terms of President Bartlet, who of course cause as it's a Hollywood invention is a Democrat.

The Republican candidate is an older Senator who is pro life who struggling to take on board all the things the ultra conservatives want him to do.

Opposing him is a young Democratic congressman who is Latino, and Catholic. His running mate is an old hand at politics having been President Bartlet's Chief of Staff.

Last night in episode 7 they had 'the debate' and one of the questions asked was America ready for a Latino President? The dialogue is so sharp that the producers get you to see that both men are worthwhile candidates, and how you can spend time in each episode changing your mind about who is the candidate of choice.

This series was first shown at least two years ago.

A case of life imitating art!!!

It makes for riveting viewing even though I've seen it all before. I've only watched the last series once before, so although I know who wins it's wonderful to see the connections between what is happening in reality in the States.

So if life is going to carry on imitating art, then the astonishing Democrat candidate Bareck Obama like Matthew Santos will win.

All we can do over this side of the Atlantic is hope!

MY SANCTUARY, MY SONS AND ME

Sunrise out of my bedroom window.

I'm too miserable to write a post.
The sadness is hanging around me like a cloud.
I obviously need to be in this space.
So rather than try to write anything, which would only be repetitive I thought I'd take you on a tour of my house just for the hell of it. And to remind me that even though I don't like the town I live in, my house is a sanctuary and offers me the warmth and holding I need right now as much as any building can anyway.


Youngest with attitude and me at my desk.


Eldest son in the kitchen on his 23rd birthday.


Youngest on his 17th birthday on the landing.


My dining room.


Guess where this is in the house!


My favourite room with just some of the many plants that are in this room.


The windowsill in my bedroom, with some of my some of the lovely glass I have around the place.

SADNESS BUT NO REGRET

This is the time of year that I do worst in. So many sad things have happened to me at this time of year.

I try and make sure that I fill my time with lovely things to do, cause I know in the moments of solitude that I will be introspective.

It's not that I want to be, it just happens and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And actually to stop it wouldn't be a good thing to do, as psychologically having a good cry or screaming the house down is far healthier than holding any of this pain in.

I also never know when the feelings of sadness are going to hit during this time, just that they will.

I wrote the poem below, as two years ago at this time of year I was incredibly happy. I was in love with a wonderful man. And when all the gremlins came out to get me, he was there for me, to hold me whilst I hurt.

He is now long gone, and that is fine.

But what I feel at the moment is tinged with longing not for him, but to have that special someone in my life. I suppose this is why I blog. I need someone to bear witness to my life.

And I guess if I had that person in my life I wouldn't be here nearly as often as I am. Not that there is anything wrong with being here. Blogging is a life line for me. My life is about communication. It's what I do, it's what I live for, it's what makes my world go round.

I have spent so many years getting to this place of knowledge about what makes us tick, myself and others, and I so feel that I have a job to do in letting people know there are better ways to deal with their pain other than depression or whatever method they are using to keep their pain at bay.

I do know that since the beginning of October through till the end of November I have more sad anniversaries than are good for me! But not much I can do about changing the dates and conveniently spreading them throughout the year!!

Which means then that these next few weeks stuff may get repeated from last year, and frankly, the year before, and the year before, and the..... all the way back to the first anniversary happening.

Today I am sad, and that is ok. I am sad for my Dad's death on 4th of October. I am sad cause I got breast cancer on November 11th. I am sad that my husband walked out on me on the 22nd of November and finally I am sad cause my Mum died on the 24th November. And this lot happened starting 22 years ago with Mum's death.

But I also know that I am a different person now, I've always appeared to be strong to others (some of the time.... !) and now I feel strong to myself. I know that I can and do cope with what life throws at me. I know that I am primarily an optimist with a belief in hope that transcends most things!

I have an awful lot to be grateful for, not least the people who have died in my life, cause without them I wouldn't be me. I am grateful for my husband walking out, as that gave me the chance to be the best mother I could possibly be. And I am grateful for having had cancer, cause that has certainly made me a better person as a result of having it.

So with all that care and love that I was given by my Mum and Dad,(even though, like all children of parents I didn't always like how they did it!) I know that I am filled with love and gratitude to them, and like the expression goes, grief is the price we pay for love. And being sad and alone today is what I need to be, so I can be happy tomorrow, and safe and secure in the love they had for me


The photo was taken in 1950 when my parents were both 21 and that'd not long met.

WHAT DO I MISS.....

I miss your arms around me holding me tight.
I miss your hand holding mine.
I miss your lips kissing me.
I miss the endless conversations.
I miss the softest caress of your fingers on my skin.
I miss the intimacy between us day and night.
I miss the daftness of two people in love.
I miss the excitement of driving to see you.
I miss the unexpected arrival of you in the night.
I miss the caring and giving without conditions.
I miss feeling loved and in love.
And yet, and yet, I don't miss YOU.

WHOSE WORLD?.... NOT OURS!

I've been thinking about the bigger picture related to my last post for the last couple of hours based on the comment that Absolute Vanilla left me. She talked about the need to accept similarities, rather than differences between people. We all only have one life, we are alive at the same time as millions of others we should surely be working together for the greater good in this global village, than destroying ourselves and the planet.

Added to that Val another blogger is waiting in Africa for the rain to fall.
Angela her friend earns money from some teaching in Germany and sends it to Val who takes it to help build and run a school in Mozambique. She lives, I think, in Botswana.

Greg Mortenson, he of the book Three Cups of Tea, is raising funds in America to build schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Mother Teresa came from Eastern Europe and devoted herself to establishing the Sisters of Mercy in Calcutta.

The world over there are fantastic people who care enough to put themselves out of their comfort zones to help their fellow man.

I feel humbled by such acts of kindness and generosity of the soul.

Surely now in this time of crisis on the planet, whether related to the weather or to finances, we should be starting to care more for our fellow man.

Can any of us really say why one group of people, based on their colour or religion should be frightening to another person.
Obviously, I understand that anyone with very extreme views is difficult to cope with when they are saying their way is the only way, whatever point of view they are expressing

But other than them, surely we should live and let live. More wars are fought under the flag of religion than for any other reason.... Why? What gives anyone group the right to believe they are right in their beliefs than any other group. And I understand this personally as my Mother was an Irish Catholic and she was excommunicated by the Church for marrying my Father who was an English Protestant.

I believe that we all have the right to choose to be the people we want to be, but only within the confines of letting others believe what they want to believe.

I am not frightened, I don't think of any type of person on this planet. I am scared of gangs of youths when they are drunk, as they are more likely to be out of control.
I am scared by fanatics of any description. I would not deny them the right to have those views, just as long as they don't tell me how to live my life based on their views being the right ones.

We live in troubled times on this earth all of us, and in some places it is worse than others. So we may in the West be frightened of how we're going to make ends meet. But by and large we can put food on our tables, the people of Zimbabwe, can't do that anymore. Admittedly it is a man made crisis happening there, but the people didn't ask for it. They had it done to them.

The rains, so desperately needed in Botswana need to come before the animals and people start to die of dehydration. In Pakistan and India the floods have devastated huge areas of land and killed hundreds of people. And those that are left are dying of typhoid and dysentery because of filthy water.

And on and on, the world over. Each crisis as it hits an area affects that place. Nowhere is safe, there are just degrees of pain.

I don't think I've ever had so many letters from charities as this year, begging me for my support. And I do support them, to what extent is between me and them. But I have to make choices about how much I give and to whom, as I can't give to all. And I feel bad every time I ignore another envelope.

The banks with their chaos of the moment, why did that happen and in America of all places, land of the free. Seems to me that it's the land of the free as long as you don't live near New Orleans, for example. How the worlds only superpower can justify how the poor in America live is another thing beyond me.

It's time it all stopped, the greed and power for a few and the deprivation of many.

We are destroying our world, and it's not ours to destroy, it is the legacy we are leaving our children and theirs, but what will they inherit?

BTW I didn't take this picture!

GLOBAL VILLAGE OR INSULAR TOWN, I KNOW WHICH ONE I WANT

Isn't blogging wonderful?

You decide to write some pearls of wisdom, or complete gibberish, depending on how it is received by your readers!

And low and behold people from all over the world come by and call upon you.
If you are really lucky they even leave a comment or two.
And then if you are even luckier a relationship starts being established as you return the compliment and go back to their blog and leave a comment for them.
This in turn, well at least if your me, means you make the effort to actually meet some of these wonderful people that I've been commenting on.

I am probably crazy anyway, so meeting strange a man to go walking this time last year and then walking 8 miles in the deepest countryside that the Peak Park has to offer, never seemed a mad idea. Anymore than driving up to lunch in Liverpool. Or embarking on a short love affair with a man the opposite end of the country. Or my wildest meeting, driving for 7 hours down to Virginia from Philadelphia, to stay with someone I'd never met before and her family for three days, seemed perfectly OK to me. And as for the blog parties I've held and will have again at Christmas....

And I really love this new blog roll that tells you whose just written something, as a computer phobe I never got the hang of getting that infomation before

I also get a lot of pleasure from looking at my statistics.... OK, I know I should get a life, but hey they're interesting. The fact that I can work out who some people are who visit me, and never leave comments amuses me. The fact that people come from so far away from me, and happen upon little me stuck in the middle of a small town in the middle of England is amazing. OK I know those people may not think where they come from is that fascinating to them , but to me, knowing that someone from Hawaii or Shanghai, India or Africa, Germany or Finland has bothered to glance at me is just incredible.

I love this world shrinking stuff, the world where we allow ourselves to be part of a global village and not isolated little pockets of insular society. Even though I live in a place like that and certainly have had to cope with the mindset of people who live in their insular way here. I don't have to be part of that mindset.

I can spend my time extending my world by blogging and allowing relationships to become real with people who, if I didn't blog I would never have had a hope in hell of ever coming across.

It has to be said that this world is kinder to me than the world in my small town is to me, and the people I used to call my friends, who no longer want anything to do with me, nor, more importantly, me them.

But I would like to challenge all those lovely people (I'm assuming you're lovely, cause it would be mean to think otherwise on no knowledge of you!) who pass by and don't comment to stop and say hello to me! Oh and of course not ignoring the people who do bother with me, I wouldn't be where I am today without you!!

I promise I won't bite, well not very hard, and only if you ask me nicely!!!!

Go on what have you got to lose, and you never know you just might make another friend and wouldn't that be fun to have? Well I think so anyway.

STOP PREVARICATING BYRD, AND GET ON WITH IT!!

Yesterday I went to a conference, it was the annual conference of the professional organisation that I belong to.It was as inspirational as last years for me.

After I'd been to last years I started writing my book, and yesterday's energy boost has made me realise that I need to start writing again. It's no good prevaricating and putting it off, which I'm so good at doing. Recently I've cleaned my cooker and tidied my drawers rather than write. Not that they didn't need doing it! But it has been about being bone idle in sitting down and working.

Which is silly cause I know the sense of satisfaction I got from putting my knowledge on paper was profound. And I also know that it is selfish holding on to my knowledge.

People get so lost, for whatever reason and I know that the stuff that I do works. So in not writing out this damn book I'm almost denying people a resource that they could use.

I know that I need to write out everything first in my own quirky fashion, and only when I have done that can I then start to rewrite it before actually considering whether or not it's good enough to send to a publisher.

But that is part of the problem of writing it out, there are so many words in my head, I don't know where to start again. Depression/ anger/ eating disorders they are all jostling for space to be written along with a whole pile of techniques that can be used to help change someones perspective.

I need someone to sit me down and say I want answers about x subject then I can get on and write that one out.

One of the wondrous things about the conference for me, was actually realising that nowadays I know what the great and good are on about, things such as attachment theory, transference, separation anxiety. Things that when I was taught them millions of years ago made no sense to me at all. And that now I can make sense of to other people who are not therapists. I can take all the psychobabble and make the words understandable in every day language. And having that skill means I should get on with it.

The conference was exhausting and J, my friend from Devon, who is another therapist, went to it as well and then stayed with me last night. So this morning we went walking at the lake at the bottom of the road. So I thought I'd just show off the day as it was utterly stunning walking this morning. And made the world feel a very good place to be alive in.

So wish me luck, if that's what I need, or maybe it's determined attitude in the morning, to get to this machine and not waste time playing, but putting some work down. And in telling you I'll lose face if you ask me why I haven't done it later!!!

NOTE... I've written the first chapter 3000 plus, which is not bad considering there are sevon others all ready written!! I've put it up on my other blog if anyone wants to read it.I've also just discovered a lost chapter, couldn't figure out where one had gone and just found it on my memory stick.... ooooh am I feeling smug now!

THIS WAS GOING TO ABOUT SEX, BUT IT WENT WRONG BY BEING RIGHT

I've been thinking a lot about sex, and I would talk about it to, if only I could find someone to discuss it with..... HA! that's you then!!

I haven't had sex since the beginning of April, not even a kiss...... AH poor me!

I have on the other hand had loads of hugs and love from friends, which has been lovely whoever they were. I get hugs and love from my sons. Both of these are wonderful and I am very lucky to have my sons in my life and the number of friends that I have. People who, I know I am there for, and who are there for me, whatever it is we need. The friendships are unconditional and supportive and I am truly blessed to have my friends in my life.

But that aside, it doesn't solve the problem of sex!

I like sex a lot, but it has to come inside a relationship for me. A relationship of trust and security between two people. And being heterosexual, a man!

I have had many lovers in my life, mainly within relationships and a few one night stands. And two I'm embarrassed to admit whose names I don't know! (they were a long time ago! but don't think I knew them then either, if I'm being honest!!)

Within the relationships I have had, I have been happy to experiment with what turns me and my partner on. As long as I didn't feel humiliated, then I've given it a go. Nothing really pervy, well except the guy who initially wanted to wear my underwear and then graduated to full PVC, before he could function. That relationship ended not long after that! There is something not right for me, not being able to see my lovers face when having sex all the time!!

I am therefore both very liberated and very straight. I will try anything between two people once, but if it doesn't turn me on then I'll not bother again. I have never wanted to have sex with more than my lover at the time. That's because that takes love out of a relationship and into the realm of 'just sex' for me. I would only be doing that to fulfill a fantasy and one that I don't have anyway.

This is not to say I totally believe in monogamy, as I had lovers when I was married. And gone out with two men at once without the other knowing a couple of times. But those times are far more to do with the other relationships not being right at the time, and my finding someone else to compensate.

So why no sex at the moment, well it seems to me that having a relationship at the moment is more trouble than it's worth. The last two lovers both lived a distance away and I hooked into the fantasy of moving to be with them, but I don't want to move to where some bloke is.

I want to move myself to Devon, I want to find a place that is where I will feel at home. As I haven't felt at home for a very long time, if ever. Even though I've lived here for years. This is my son's home, is a very nice house inside. I have the gift of being able to make a home wherever I am. It just doesn't feel like my home.

As someone said to me the other day I have outgrown where I live and it's time to move on.

So I cannot have a relationship right now,unless anyone knows anyone gorgeous in Devon that is, that they want to set me up with!!! This results in me feeling good and sorted about myself. Confident about my choices and where I'm going. But is turning me into a closet sex maniac, as I'm getting desperate for a shag!!

Although I say that, the need for sex is not as great as the desire to have someone to love and to love me. And I'm not letting that happen anytime soon, till I've moved.

Having written this without any plan of what I was going to say, like all my writing! I am somewhat amazed it's got to where it's got to. I thought I was going to write some sexually explicit stuff that I was missing. So I guess that, yes I am missing that, but not as much as I thought perhaps. And not as much as a relationship, which I'm not going to have anyway.

So maybe I'll just carry on with my fantasy life, and know that it is an active choice I am making, and therefore it is a good thing, and not just some aimless drifting hoping someones going to come knock on the door and whisk me away to paradise anytime soon. Cause it isn't in my game plan right now.

NO MORE MS. SOFT TOUCH!!!!

I've just had one of those evenings that are such fun that you don't want them to end. And it's only the whole having to go to work the next morning and therefore needing sleep that makes it end.

I've been out with the spectacularly gorgeous Queen Vixen, we met halfway between our homes in a place conveniently called the Bridge!

And we started.... gossiping,laughing, eating, sharing, reading Tarot cards, drinking, but not much! (It is a pain not being able to have more than one glass of wine.) And generally enjoying each other's company.

Since she got her new job and all the other commitments that she is currently dealing with, we don't get to see each other as often as we would both like. So at the moment we are going for quality rather than quantity!

We have spent the evening being really naughty together in our own various ways!!!
I'll leave that to your imaginations as to what that could mean.

One thing that QV picked up on was my empowered behaviour. I hadn't realised but I'm doing a lot of sorting out of my relationships, and cutting out ones that are not working for me.

As in,the girlfriend who sent me a text on Saturday suggesting we should get together for a catch up. This left me in a real dilemma, as a catch up means that I get bled dry and she gives nothing of herself away. We used to be very close friends pre cancer. I listened to her and was there for her 24/7.Then on getting ill, she wasn't around, her excuse was that I had gone through so much that I didn't need her ..... Right that made sense... NOT. The upshot of this was that our relationship has struggled on for the last couple of years, as she has said less and less to me about anything meaningful.

And I have had it with meaningless relationships, so I sent her a text telling her so. She sent me one back saying that she must have been a terrible friend to get such a horrid text. It wasn't horrid it was straight and honest, possibly a bit blunt. It was time for me to stop playing the friend game with someone who wasn't my friend and all we had in common was history.

So that felt better to me, there was no longer any ambiguity, just my truth and her need for me to confess my sins as a nasty person... dream on Helen.

This set QV and me up for the evening, when out of the blue an ex boyfriend, I'll call him Pete, since that was his name, turned up in the wine bar. I haven't seen him for two years. To begin with I was a complete dither trying to talk to him and QV. She on the other hand was giving him the evil eye to disappear, which thankfully worked. Till he saw us doing Tarot cards, when he returned and asked me to read his.... What, he thinks he could have that sort of intimacy with me... Pah!
But I did them, again feeling powerless. When I'd read them, deep from within me came the words..... 'now bugger off and I'll see you in another two years'

I felt liberated and in control of myself, by which time QV was falling around laughing at my behaviour. And then I confessed that I'd also recently written to an ex lover, who'd started texting me again for who knows what reasons. I'd written to thank him for supporting me at a very vulnerable time earlier this year. And I ended my email after thanking by telling him I thought he was a wanker.

QV was nearly off the seat by now, poor girl needed an extra gin to steady her!!!

What a hoot, I think the message is -Just don't mess with me, cause I'm not putting up with it anymore. I am a very loyal and loving friend and/ or lover, but I've done with unequal relationships big time.

I will give you as much love as I can, and more besides, but I will not be played.

I, according to my Tarot reading am strong and on a new journey of self discovery, that is far more spiritual than before. This feels right to me, as that is what i have been thinking about myself for some time.

So if you want to walk beside me for some of the way, you are really welcome for as long as we walk side by side, dealing with all the topics under the sun from life and death ,to which washing powder is best. Just as long as the conversation is balanced between all subjects and not exclusively one or the other. As if it's the former, then that comes under the heading of work, and if the latter then I'll have to shoot you!!!

COMPETITION!!!!

So here's a competition, these are seaside places that I've talked about on my blog,or shown photographs of before, except the one which is Whitby. The person who gets the most correct will win a quartz crystal egg that has rainbows shining inside it. Or a personal invite to my next party, which is by invitation only in December

To make it easier I'll even give you the names in the wrong order obviously of where they are... Whitby, Beachy Head,Rudyard Lake, Ullswater,Portmerion,Tamar Estuary, Newhaven, Teignmouth, Budleigh Salterton, Tittesworth Reservoir,Dartmouth.

HOLIDAY WISH LIST.... NAH, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

I was thinking after I'd read Queen Vixen's last post was there anything else that I wanted to do before I die. Not that I'm planning on dying for a long time mind, if I have any say in it at any rate!

This thought has obviously got stuck in my brain overnight cause in my semi awake dreams the words of the Marianne Faithful song have been doing overtime in my head. The lyrics from the Ballard of Lucy Jordan that go 'at the age of 37..... she'd never get to Paris in a sports car with the warm breeze in her hair',

I've never been to Paris, or for that matter any capitol city in Europe. It seems that some cities are places you go with a partner, such as Paris, and some you go with a gang of mates, Amsterdam, Madrid, Prague the most obvious ones.

This doesn't mean I haven't travelled. As a teenager I went with my parents to Minorca, Malta, Majorca, Corfu. In my 20s I had the most exotic holiday of my life so far, I went with my sister to Sri Lanka.

That was an amazing place to visit, we were there for three weeks. What we hadn't realised was, that is was as much of a honeymoon destination as it was!!! So there would be no one around late afternoon or much after dinner!

We had some astonishing experiences on this beautiful island, seeing the culture, visiting the Sacred Temple of Buddha's Tooth in the old capitol of Kandy. Going to see ruined temples and palaces. I even got to ride on an elephant.

One of the biggest memories though is how versatile the coconut was to the people of Sri Lanka, so coconut milk is used in tea and coffee.. ugh! and fries were cooked in coconut oil.... utterly disgusting! So sis and I spent quite a lot of time talking about food, and craving Mars bars, whilst we worked on our sun tans!

After getting married I went to sea for three months, my husband was an officer in the Merchant Navy. We slow steamed across the Atlantic, there was an oil crisis going on at the time, as was the Falklands War. And I went on a day trip to Canada when we got there! I had a wonderful day in St John's, Nova Scottia, buying magazines, wool, getting a haircut and having my first experience of buying an American Hamburger with the multitude of choices attached, like pickles, type of bread, mayo or whatever, which completely floored me as those sort of questions never happened in the UK.

During my marriage we only twice went away together that didn't include going to stay with his parents in Spain. Which was more visiting the in laws than beach hols!The first driving across Europe to Venice and all places in between, as we had to stay out of the country for three weeks as he'd been let off the ship early, and couldn't go home till a certain date for tax purposes. And the second spending 6 weeks in San Fransisco when he'd been assigned there for 6 months and me and the boys went for the whole of the summer. The last week of which involved the most amazing motor home on the planet and a drive down to Disneyland on the Pacific Highway. And started my love affair with America

In the last 10 years I've got stuck in enjoying the same places, mainly cause I visit friends. So many summers have been spent in Provence, till my friends moved back to Devon, as if they could escape me there!! And going to America, which means being based in Philly, and over the years going to all places drivable in a day.

So I have been to Boston; Baltimore; Washington DC, this included a visit round the White House, before 9/11 and it was closed to tourists;near Richmond Virginia this summer (what a fantastic visit that was!); and New York 3 times so far, the Empire State is a great place to go up late at night and see NY with all of it's buildings lit up across the city.

Going back to where I started, I don't really think there is anywhere else in the world that I have to see before I die, certainly there are places I will go back to, as often as I can afford, and more importantly am welcome! But no hankering desire.

All I really want is a big bag of gold to be able to continue going to the places where the people are I love, with just a little more money to be able to afford to go to Portmerion in Wales with the family once more, as that is the place of my dreams.

Note for Ron! this pic is the only one not taken by me, but by eldest son when he went sailing off the Greek coast!!

WALKING, BREATHING, LAUGHING AND GETTING WET

Today I have walked 10 fairly gruelling miles in the company of the very funny Trousers. And when I had the breath I spent the day laughing.

We walked in the Goyt Valley in the Peak Park, we set off to climb up this hill to a place called Shining Tor, but I found it to tough going, so we went back down the hill and walked round Erwood reservoir. Which was still up and down dale but not quite so horrendous.The weather was very blowy and wet, but it didn't matter, we just got on with it.

The scenery was astonishing despite the terrible weather, the colours of autumn just wonderful. The sort of walk that just makes you glad to be alive.

My little sister has just text me telling me she's sad, and for a moment I had to think why she would be. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death, he died 5 years ago.

And today I didn't have time to get sad, or want to be sad. The last few weeks have exhausted me emotionally, and I'm just so pleased to have had the day to appreciate my surroundings, and the company, and to feel despite it being Dad's anniversary that it's ok to feel good. Cause I don't think he'd mind one bit. I think he'd just be amazed as to where I am on my journey compared to five years ago. And be proud of what I've achieved and coped with.

So I'm going to treat myself to an Amaretto on the rocks and say cheers to my Dad and say thank you to him for being the Dad he was, and for the years I had him in my life.

WORRIES.... ENOUGH TIME TO MOVE ON

Now I like to think of myself as not being superstitious. I don't care about ladders, or salt, or cutting my nails on a Friday.

But I do have one that is so entrenched that I sometimes wonder do I make things fit it. And that is things happening in threes.

When I was a nurse, if one person died on the ward then that was ok, but if two died close together, there would definitely be a third within the 24 hours.

So when things happen to me now I don't bat an eyelid if it's just the one, but....

Anyway I think I've had my three disasters for now: The credit card fraud, my youngest son being kicked in the head by grown men and now my car being damaged.

It's time to move on to jollier things that don't stress me to the point of stupidity, which is where I have been for the last couple of weeks.

I know an awful lot about stress, well I should, shouldn't I!!
I spend my working life talking people through it, from dealing with panic attacks to using other stuff to try and avoid the feelings.

But even though I know all of this stuff, it doesn't always help when I lose the plot for whatever reason.

Umm this must have something to do with being a human being first and a therapist second!!!

So this week, I've been headachey, feeling sick, weepy (lots),worn out, short tempered. I've driven badly as my concentration is shot to bits. Heaven only knows what sort of therapist I've been this week. I'm just hoping no-one noticed!!

The week is now ending and today I've been in a better place. A place in which my first reaction isn't stress. I've had a day off, well, from paid work. So I've done chores to de-stress me. These involve tidying, I do love being in a tidy place, I have more than a degree of OCD! So weirdly my treat for the day was to go into youngest with attitudes bedroom and sort it out.

I now know that the little treasure has 9 pairs of white trainers.... WHY? And that they are all lined up in two rows under his bed, which makes me happy. Sad or what!

All the beds in the house are made to within an inch of their lives. The duvet covers are straight, the pillows plumped and the cushions just so, which also gives me pleasure.

The washing is done and ironed and put away.

The list of things I have done today goes on and on, but I'll spare you all the gory details of my obsessional behaviour.

Suffice to say I feel so much better now my house is in order. Course it won't stay that way, but that's not the point.

The point is that my focusing on silly daft chores I have moved my unhappy stress energy into positive feelings and am now back in my normal optimistic place, and that is so much better.

I'm going walking tomorrow with the lovely Trousers, and so now I'm in a better place it will mean that he doesn't have to listen to me droning on about it all, and we can have a walk in the rain which is forecast, with good conversation and no cares!!!