This is the time of year that I do worst in. So many sad things have happened to me at this time of year.
I try and make sure that I fill my time with lovely things to do, cause I know in the moments of solitude that I will be introspective.
It's not that I want to be, it just happens and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And actually to stop it wouldn't be a good thing to do, as psychologically having a good cry or screaming the house down is far healthier than holding any of this pain in.
I also never know when the feelings of sadness are going to hit during this time, just that they will.
I wrote the poem below, as two years ago at this time of year I was incredibly happy. I was in love with a wonderful man. And when all the gremlins came out to get me, he was there for me, to hold me whilst I hurt.
He is now long gone, and that is fine.
But what I feel at the moment is tinged with longing not for him, but to have that special someone in my life. I suppose this is why I blog. I need someone to bear witness to my life.
And I guess if I had that person in my life I wouldn't be here nearly as often as I am. Not that there is anything wrong with being here. Blogging is a life line for me. My life is about communication. It's what I do, it's what I live for, it's what makes my world go round.
I have spent so many years getting to this place of knowledge about what makes us tick, myself and others, and I so feel that I have a job to do in letting people know there are better ways to deal with their pain other than depression or whatever method they are using to keep their pain at bay.
I do know that since the beginning of October through till the end of November I have more sad anniversaries than are good for me! But not much I can do about changing the dates and conveniently spreading them throughout the year!!
Which means then that these next few weeks stuff may get repeated from last year, and frankly, the year before, and the year before, and the..... all the way back to the first anniversary happening.
Today I am sad, and that is ok. I am sad for my Dad's death on 4th of October. I am sad cause I got breast cancer on November 11th. I am sad that my husband walked out on me on the 22nd of November and finally I am sad cause my Mum died on the 24th November. And this lot happened starting 22 years ago with Mum's death.
But I also know that I am a different person now, I've always appeared to be strong to others (some of the time.... !) and now I feel strong to myself. I know that I can and do cope with what life throws at me. I know that I am primarily an optimist with a belief in hope that transcends most things!
I have an awful lot to be grateful for, not least the people who have died in my life, cause without them I wouldn't be me. I am grateful for my husband walking out, as that gave me the chance to be the best mother I could possibly be. And I am grateful for having had cancer, cause that has certainly made me a better person as a result of having it.
So with all that care and love that I was given by my Mum and Dad,(even though, like all children of parents I didn't always like how they did it!) I know that I am filled with love and gratitude to them, and like the expression goes, grief is the price we pay for love. And being sad and alone today is what I need to be, so I can be happy tomorrow, and safe and secure in the love they had for me
The photo was taken in 1950 when my parents were both 21 and that'd not long met.
