Wednesday, 15 October 2008


I've been thinking a lot about sex, and I would talk about it to, if only I could find someone to discuss it with..... HA! that's you then!!

I haven't had sex since the beginning of April, not even a kiss...... AH poor me!

I have on the other hand had loads of hugs and love from friends, which has been lovely whoever they were. I get hugs and love from my sons. Both of these are wonderful and I am very lucky to have my sons in my life and the number of friends that I have. People who, I know I am there for, and who are there for me, whatever it is we need. The friendships are unconditional and supportive and I am truly blessed to have my friends in my life.

But that aside, it doesn't solve the problem of sex!

I like sex a lot, but it has to come inside a relationship for me. A relationship of trust and security between two people. And being heterosexual, a man!

I have had many lovers in my life, mainly within relationships and a few one night stands. And two I'm embarrassed to admit whose names I don't know! (they were a long time ago! but don't think I knew them then either, if I'm being honest!!)

Within the relationships I have had, I have been happy to experiment with what turns me and my partner on. As long as I didn't feel humiliated, then I've given it a go. Nothing really pervy, well except the guy who initially wanted to wear my underwear and then graduated to full PVC, before he could function. That relationship ended not long after that! There is something not right for me, not being able to see my lovers face when having sex all the time!!

I am therefore both very liberated and very straight. I will try anything between two people once, but if it doesn't turn me on then I'll not bother again. I have never wanted to have sex with more than my lover at the time. That's because that takes love out of a relationship and into the realm of 'just sex' for me. I would only be doing that to fulfill a fantasy and one that I don't have anyway.

This is not to say I totally believe in monogamy, as I had lovers when I was married. And gone out with two men at once without the other knowing a couple of times. But those times are far more to do with the other relationships not being right at the time, and my finding someone else to compensate.

So why no sex at the moment, well it seems to me that having a relationship at the moment is more trouble than it's worth. The last two lovers both lived a distance away and I hooked into the fantasy of moving to be with them, but I don't want to move to where some bloke is.

I want to move myself to Devon, I want to find a place that is where I will feel at home. As I haven't felt at home for a very long time, if ever. Even though I've lived here for years. This is my son's home, is a very nice house inside. I have the gift of being able to make a home wherever I am. It just doesn't feel like my home.

As someone said to me the other day I have outgrown where I live and it's time to move on.

So I cannot have a relationship right now,unless anyone knows anyone gorgeous in Devon that is, that they want to set me up with!!! This results in me feeling good and sorted about myself. Confident about my choices and where I'm going. But is turning me into a closet sex maniac, as I'm getting desperate for a shag!!

Although I say that, the need for sex is not as great as the desire to have someone to love and to love me. And I'm not letting that happen anytime soon, till I've moved.

Having written this without any plan of what I was going to say, like all my writing! I am somewhat amazed it's got to where it's got to. I thought I was going to write some sexually explicit stuff that I was missing. So I guess that, yes I am missing that, but not as much as I thought perhaps. And not as much as a relationship, which I'm not going to have anyway.

So maybe I'll just carry on with my fantasy life, and know that it is an active choice I am making, and therefore it is a good thing, and not just some aimless drifting hoping someones going to come knock on the door and whisk me away to paradise anytime soon. Cause it isn't in my game plan right now.


BenefitScroungingScum said...

I know what you mean about the sex/relationship connection. I had wondered if I really needed that to be there, but a quick browse through an adult dating site told me all I needed to know about what I need.
I hope you get your needs met soon ;)
BG x

Walker said...

I think there are many people in your shoe and at least one of your lovers actually wearing them.
Speaking for myself, I love sex but would also rather have someone on a permanent basis for more than just sex but it’s not easy giving up what took years to finally achieve like my independence.
Another thing, finding the right person is just as hard especially when they live far from you.
Some people are married and don’t say anything until its to late emotionally.
Then you take the chance and move to where your partner is but if it doesn’t work out what then.
You have uprooted yourself and now have to do it again but this time under duress.
I took three years off from having sex to look for someone to share my life with and everything that goes with it.
In the end nothing really changed and I gave up.
My mistake was you can’t really find what you’re looking for, it just happens on it’s own without you consciously knowing it.
I think you will find what you want eventually when fate leads you down the right garden path.

I now have a couple of ex lovers who I see when they are in town or their husbands are away.
It’s not perfect but it keeps the machinery oiled and the hunger at bay until one day when I find someone of my own or maybe not.
Life isn’t nice or pretty at times but even weeds have flowers you could smell.

Mei Del said...

i read this twice and i think you are sensibly taking a step a time - which seems to be move to devon first and then see what there is relationships-wise after. when do you think you might be moving down south?

Lady in red said...

I completely understand the no sex since........... and not wanting mindless sex with anyone just meaningful sex with the right person which is why I have only had sex twice 3 times since last summer when I gave up playing the field (which was the right thing for me to do at that particular time).

Like you I feel desperate but although I have more than enough opportunities to remedy that I won't. I have found a channel for my increasing need for sex. It isn't ideal neither is it anything like as satisfactory as having the man I want right here right now giving each other sexual pleasure, but for now it does help.

I might tell you about it in an email.

Ronjazz said... and I both know someone in Chicago. He admires you greatly, empathizes with your opinions here, believes you to be absolutely gorgeous in your mind AND body, and thinks you couldn't be hotter if you tried.

But there's that damned water. What to do...

Fire Byrd said...

BG an adult dating site??? ugh!
sort of a hello and a fuck then.

walker these are good words, thanks for sharing them here.

mei, the house goes on the market next march, when youngest is 18.And as much as anyone can plan a future I feel ok about mine.

lady can't wait for the email then!

ron.... that bloody oceans got a lot to answer for!!


Trixie said...

Oh I sooo know what you mean.

That's all I've got to say.

Merkin said...

Stay cool.