Wednesday, 15 October 2008
THIS WAS GOING TO ABOUT SEX, BUT IT WENT WRONG BY BEING RIGHT
I've been thinking a lot about sex, and I would talk about it to, if only I could find someone to discuss it with..... HA! that's you then!!
I haven't had sex since the beginning of April, not even a kiss...... AH poor me!
I have on the other hand had loads of hugs and love from friends, which has been lovely whoever they were. I get hugs and love from my sons. Both of these are wonderful and I am very lucky to have my sons in my life and the number of friends that I have. People who, I know I am there for, and who are there for me, whatever it is we need. The friendships are unconditional and supportive and I am truly blessed to have my friends in my life.
But that aside, it doesn't solve the problem of sex!
I like sex a lot, but it has to come inside a relationship for me. A relationship of trust and security between two people. And being heterosexual, a man!
I have had many lovers in my life, mainly within relationships and a few one night stands. And two I'm embarrassed to admit whose names I don't know! (they were a long time ago! but don't think I knew them then either, if I'm being honest!!)
Within the relationships I have had, I have been happy to experiment with what turns me and my partner on. As long as I didn't feel humiliated, then I've given it a go. Nothing really pervy, well except the guy who initially wanted to wear my underwear and then graduated to full PVC, before he could function. That relationship ended not long after that! There is something not right for me, not being able to see my lovers face when having sex all the time!!
I am therefore both very liberated and very straight. I will try anything between two people once, but if it doesn't turn me on then I'll not bother again. I have never wanted to have sex with more than my lover at the time. That's because that takes love out of a relationship and into the realm of 'just sex' for me. I would only be doing that to fulfill a fantasy and one that I don't have anyway.
This is not to say I totally believe in monogamy, as I had lovers when I was married. And gone out with two men at once without the other knowing a couple of times. But those times are far more to do with the other relationships not being right at the time, and my finding someone else to compensate.
So why no sex at the moment, well it seems to me that having a relationship at the moment is more trouble than it's worth. The last two lovers both lived a distance away and I hooked into the fantasy of moving to be with them, but I don't want to move to where some bloke is.
I want to move myself to Devon, I want to find a place that is where I will feel at home. As I haven't felt at home for a very long time, if ever. Even though I've lived here for years. This is my son's home, is a very nice house inside. I have the gift of being able to make a home wherever I am. It just doesn't feel like my home.
As someone said to me the other day I have outgrown where I live and it's time to move on.
So I cannot have a relationship right now,unless anyone knows anyone gorgeous in Devon that is, that they want to set me up with!!! This results in me feeling good and sorted about myself. Confident about my choices and where I'm going. But is turning me into a closet sex maniac, as I'm getting desperate for a shag!!
Although I say that, the need for sex is not as great as the desire to have someone to love and to love me. And I'm not letting that happen anytime soon, till I've moved.
Having written this without any plan of what I was going to say, like all my writing! I am somewhat amazed it's got to where it's got to. I thought I was going to write some sexually explicit stuff that I was missing. So I guess that, yes I am missing that, but not as much as I thought perhaps. And not as much as a relationship, which I'm not going to have anyway.
So maybe I'll just carry on with my fantasy life, and know that it is an active choice I am making, and therefore it is a good thing, and not just some aimless drifting hoping someones going to come knock on the door and whisk me away to paradise anytime soon. Cause it isn't in my game plan right now.