THE SEASIDE (AND CRAB SANDWICHES IF I'M LUCKY!!)

I might walk here.... The river Bovey


I might walk here.... Teignmouth beach


I might have crab sandwiches and scrumpy cider here.... The Cherub in Dartmouth


I might even walk here... Dartmoor

But whatever I do I won't be here,I'll be back Monday night.
Have a great weekend whatever you're doing. I know I will (at last!!)
And even though I have to get up at and leave 5am Monday morning to get to work, it will be worth it to have one of J&Ds wonderful Sundays. Walking, an extremely leisurely Sunday lunch, and good company. This of course follows a Friday evening with Max, where we put the world to rights.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE SILENT T

This is a bit of a rant.
Now I can't speak French, except that if I go to France I am able to do a basic greeting and order a meal in the language.
I also may have an appalling accent, but I do know how to say words.
One of the things I was taught about French many years ago was that generally the 'T' is silent at the end of a word.

So how come UK adverts about French things have suddenly started pronouncing the T, as in MoeT I always thought the correct pronunciation was Moeay. The same is true of YSL product Touche EclaiT I thought that also had a silent 'T' as in eclair.

This means that people in this country are being taught in ignorance how to say French words in an even worse way than possibly before,as in bad accent but right essence of the word.

So how long before Renault cars become RenaulT.

Has the French language changed, or the adverts just pandering to the lowest common denominator? Which if so, is appalling and so ignorant on the UK advertising industry.

Or do I need to relearn those words with a hard 'T'

I'd love someone to tell me what is going on.

A WHITER SHADE OF PALE LED ME HERE.

I was listening to the radio on the way home today, and they were playing the songs of someones life.

Whomever it was, must have been a similar age to me, as a lot of her songs resonated with me. It go me thinking how, for me the year I was 14 was probably the zenith of music being utterly important. There are songs from this year, which was 1968, that when I hear them now take me back to that time. There are five imparticular which remain, even now favourite pieces of music. Back in the day, these were the ones that got played over and over again on my record player in my bedroom, usually with me sitting on the windowsill, with the curtains closed grooving along to them.

Cause I know you're now desperate to know what they are......
Albatross.... Fleetwood Mac
All you need is love.... The Beatles
San Fransisco.... Scott McKenzie
Good Vibrations ... The Beach Boys
Time is Tight.... Booker T and the MGS

I had the four famous Beatles posters on my wall, although I only had eyes for George Harrison. I had a poster of Andy Fairweather Lowe, out of Amen Corner. I had loads of bits of magazines cut out with words like groovy and fab stuck on a montage.

I adored comics and magazines, Jackie, Honey and Petticoat being the ones from this era. I still can tell you what comic I read from the first when I was 8, to the magazines I read today. I loved knowing what was fashionable, still do. Although now I go for a more classic look, than high fashion!! I had the first three years worth of Cosmopolitan magazines in my wardrobe for a very long time, what they would be worth today!

For the next couple of years I wore, either men's trousers with pinafore tops and bare feet, or long hippy dresses, that I would buy in a Boutique called Bus Stop in Birmingham.
I remember going to Walsall Town Hall to see Emperor Rosco one of the first Radio 1 DJs... I wore an extremely short green tweed skirt, knee high white socks and my maxi herringbone coat, also pale green.... Did I think I looked good!

Like music, clothes have always been really important to me, I can remember clothes all the way back to being a tiny tot. But my teenage clothes were just so cutting edge, well at least they were in Walsall, as I always shopped in Birmingham. When I'd learnt to drive I used to take myself of to Shrewsbury where the nearest Laura Ashley was. Oh, that was a treat getting her floral frocks to drip around in.

I went to my first ever pop concert at the Odeon with my best friend Max (the one I got reunited with last year after 28 years!) Can't remember what I wore, but know the Beach Boys had blue and white stripped shirts on!

Writing this makes me very aware of how even then, I was more independent than people around me (except Max) The day after I passed my driving test, I took myself on to the motorway just to get familiar with it, so I could go places and do things on my own.

Even when I was relatively young, when I took myself shopping in whichever place I ended up, I would always go and find somewhere to have lunch on my own. As it seemed important even then, to be able to sit and have a decent meal in unrushed surroundings. I didn't like shopping with anyone else then, so nothings changed there.

It has always been vital to be able to cope on my own, even though I haven't always liked it. That's not the point. The point is not to be frightened of doing things.

Although weirdly I can go out to dinner in the evening on my own (well in America!). I can do lunch and breakfast anywhere. I can go to the theatre alone, but I have never yet been to the cinema on my own.... maybe that's a challenge for this year. After all I have to do something, and last years was learning to sail, so.....

I'm very mindful of the juxtaposition (seriously love that word) of my needing to be on my own and sometimes hating it with a vengeance. And the other side of the coin of being very sociable and hating being amongst people for any great length of time, especially places where I have to do small talk. Doesn't happen, I hide in the kitchen at parties, even my own!!!

So going full circle back to my youth, and I'm going to have to really think about this,when did I learn to be so independent and capable, juxtaposed with scared and lonely. Cause it all started there, and if I want to change it, then I have to go back to those memories and undo them, cause right now I think it's damaging me a bit.I have wonderful and amazing friendships, all with people who live miles away from me. So I can get to visit with them. And I have no friendships where I live. (Admittedly I used to, but I have let them go... think ironing board conversations and stepford wives!!!) And I need to think about how that is affecting me.

Please don't think this is a 'beating myself up' post it isn't, I'm ok. But I've started a chain reaction in looking at a part of my history that I haven't for a while, all thanks to hearing Procol Harem on the radio this afternoon!!!

Pic is Max on the beach with her beloved dog, at Exmouth last visit I made.

FEBRUARY AND THE WORLD IS TURNING SLOWLY TO SPRING

Cause I've nothing to write about, and blogger doesn't seem to want to publish my interview, I thought I'd just put some photographs taken in February, this year and last. The snowdrops are in my garden, the sunrises are either out of my bedroom or in the school grounds, the sea is Beachy Head, the cliff face is just outside Castleton in the Peak Park in fact it's called Man Tor, as spotted by Trousers, I'd forgotten it's name!!So useful having a mate who knows the area! The lake is Rudyard which I made my dog walk with me this morning..... Five miles and she hasn't been able to raise a smile since she got back, what a wuss. Amazingly there were daffodils out in Liverpool and it's an hours drive further north, just shows how high up I live, as they won't show themselves till Mother's day round here.

I GOT INTERVIEWED

Appearantly this interview is not yet published, Thank you Rob for telling me, so if I was you I'd ignore this till it's sorted or I am which ever comes first!!

So thank you for those that have commented already.
I'll delete the rest of this post till it is available, and then hopefully you'll vote for me.

THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT CAN MAKE

Just some bits.....

Big news is Alex is better.... YES!!! To the point that whilst I was out today, he went out and brought me a box of my very favourite chocolates in the world... Violet creams, and a dozen white roses to say thank you for looking after him.
Can't beat that!

Trix is responding very well to our dog whisperer techniques and fingers crossed that by the time the rescue people come to see us in a couple of weeks we'll be on track to have a totally sorted dog.

I've been to Liverpool today, to have lunch with my dear friend Wake Up. As ever, being with her is an absolute pleasure. We didn't stop talking from when we meet up till we reluctantly parted company 4 hours later.

I've been to Liverpool today, and I have to say it is a really great place to visit. They opened L1 earlier this year and it is a great shopping centre. The whole city centre buzzes with astonishing art galleries, from the Tate to Fact, where my gorgeous niece works, to Bluecoat. All of them and the others a visual treat of modern art.
Liverpool is such a style centre, the women there, take their fashion very seriously and apart from their love affair with fake tans or tanning beds ,they really rock in how they dress. The buskers, who are on every street corner, are of a very high calibre, from a rock guitarist playing Albatross (Fleetwood Mac track) to acoustic guitar singers singing wonderful renditions of Beatles songs. And then of course there is the accent, which I love. They are incredibly friendly people and proud of their city. It definitely rocks.

And finally,there is something afoot in blogland. There is an ever growing interest in schools in Botswana, Swaziland and Mozambique. People from round the world are starting to want to do things to help children in these schools have a better chance of education. From providing drawing materials to starting to organise to collect money to buy a roof for a school. Now I'm only a very small part of this so far. But if anyone who isn't already involved in this tapestry of life wants to know more about it, and wants to offer something, then let me know and I'll point you in the right direction. I think there is something profoundly satisfying about giving to a real place with real people, rather than putting my hand in my pocket and just handing over cash to whomever for whatever.

And above all else it makes me feel good to be part of a caring world community, that knows that education is the only way forward to help people understand their fellow man.

GETTING GROUNDED AGAINST STRESS

Alex is down to vomiting once a day!!!
The dog is calming down with strangers... Thank goodness for the dog whisperer.
I've lost a diamond out of a little Victorian ring I wear.
The washing machine has gone wrong, to the point that I got to it before it caught fire. And is now full of wet and smelly washing that's just got to wait till tomorrow.
A beautiful Art Deco mirror I have in my living room has started to fall to pieces, in that two pieces of pink glass have fallen off it, fortunately they haven't broken.
I've been to my Aunty's funeral today.
I can't go to Devon for the weekend, Al is still not well enough.

So all in all a normal day in byrdsville.... or what passes for normal round here at the moment........

Anyone want to do a house swop for an all action holiday??

However on a more serious note, stress.

I've become aware of how stressed I've been, and being the well behaved therapist I am, I've been looking at how it made me feel, and why it made me feel how I did.

What I've noticed is what happens to our thought processes when we are stressed. Plus how it makes us feel physically.

The easiest way I can describe the physical feeling is as if someone was knitting within my stomach. The feeling in my gut is of churning, leading to nausea. A fluttering wave that starts at the bottom of my gut and builds up all the way through my chest, till it reaches my throat, which closes up and I want to cry, but don't.

Simultaneously my thought processes go off at speed, I start thinking about what ever the problem is, and taking it one of two ways. Either to the past where the words that go round are ruminating about what has already happened. This leads to the feeling of 'IF ONLY' Or go at warp speed to the future and I imagine what could happen, as in 'WHAT IF' Both of these places are completely useless!

I may as well worry about the elephants that live round the corner waiting to stampede over me. Now I know on a cognisant level that there are no elephants round the corner. But from a worrying perspective am I sure? How can I prove there are no elephants, and actually I can't, so I may as well worry about them. Cause worrying about them is as daft as worrying about the 'what if' and the 'if only'.

We simply cannot change what has gone before. We cannot control the future and when we are anxious those are the places we are stuck.

What needs to happen when we are stressed is to become grounded in the here and now.
To stop and check what it is exactly we are feeling in that moment. Because it won't be related to the past or the future. By learning to be in the here and now we can take that knitted and knotted feeling from deep inside and unwind it into a neat manageable ball that we can then unwind at our leisure and deal with whatever really happens. And not what is happening in our fantasies that beats us up.

It is no accident that so many religions have a similar phrase or saying which runs along the lines of.... Whilst we are remembering yesterday, and dreaming about tomorrow, then life is happening right now.

So what I do, and what I teach is an exercise where by I think about how my body is physically, as in what I can feel about my feet and up my body to my head. What can I hear, what can I see, can I smell anything and finally how do I feel. I take notice of what the emotion is. I don't try and change it I just observe it. After a moment I think about whether there is anything I need to actually do to help with the mood I'm in. This, if anything needs doing involves moving, as sitting still keeps us in the bad place. But getting up and running up the stairs, getting the vacuum cleaner out, cleaning windows, using a skipping rope or beating hell out of a punch bag shift every bad/sad mood known to man!

This is about unwinding the knotted string that we've been knitting in our stomachs and brings us here and now. When we are in the here and now then we reduce the stress we feel. We work with what is really around us.

So I have been using my own experiences of the last few weeks to understand anxiety better, and have been refining what I tell my clients, and it makes sense to me, and what is even more exciting the clients get it as well. Which means that I'm on the right track with them.

I love being able to understand emotions and feelings. And although I have hated feeling so stressed it gives me enormous satisfaction to be able to not only use my knowledge on myself but to help others get sorted out as well.

A DREAM THAT MUST COME TRUE

She'd got back to her little cottage just as the threatening storm broke. The sky had been getting darker for a while as the clouds billowed in.The wind had been increasing in strength all afternoon. The weather forecast had said that it was going to be a bad one. They had many days of grey and dismal weather, when it didn't seem to be able to make it's mind what to do.

She'd managed to get back from work and into the house as the first few fat drops of rain hit the pavement. Breathing a sigh of relief, as she and all her bags got inside the front door just as the heavens opened.

She made her way to the kitchen to put the groceries away, and say hello to the dog.It was so dark she had to put on the light, even though it was only four in the afternoon. She filled the kettle, made a cup of tea. At this rate walking the dog was not going to be her usual evenings pleasure!

So sinking down into her comfy sofa, the dog at her feet, she thought about what needed doing. She must have dozed off. She awoke with a start, momentarily not sure what was going on. The sun was streaming in through the window, it's rays warming her.

This was more like it,so donning her coat and taking the dog lead form the peg she let herself out of the door.

They walked towards the water lane, her very favourite road, leading to her very favourite place. She loved the age old stories about the water lanes being the home to the fairy folk. The sun shone through the canopy of trees overhead. It was a wonderful tunnel of trees that meandered for a mile or so. The high banks were sparkling with bright decorations, bluebells, the odd late primrose, the emerald green of the ferns all illuminated by the sun. The little stream that ran down the side of the road, babbled at it's new inrush of water. Even the road had rivulets of water gushing down it's side. The birdsong that spring evening was almost deafening, as if everything was renewed and cleansed by the storm.

As the lane dropped down the hill another noise started to take the place of the birdsong, the unmistakable sound of the waves crashing on the shore. The tang of salt was in the air, and the peace of the lane was overtaken by the screech of the gulls. Rounding the last corner the lane it opened up to the cove.

The cove, as like so many round here was small and surrounded by high cliffs where the seabirds nested. The beach spread before her and she and the dog joyfully ran down to the edge of the sea both of them playing escape from the waves as they crashed down.

They were the only ones about, obviously the other walkers she saw most evenings hadn't made it here yet. This made her feel even better she did something she hadn't done for years. She started skipping on the sand, her laughter at her silliness being lost in the wind. The dog scampered around her ankles enjoying this peculiar way of going on their nightly walk.

They reached the end of the cove, and they both needed a rest after such exuberant behaviour. They sat in a little sheltered nook in the rocks. The dog putting his head on her lap, and she absent mindedly stroked it's ears, whilst enjoying the feel of the warm sunshine on her face.

She felt drowsy again and thought 'I must get moving,but I'll just have another minute first'.

Then I woke up......

This is my dream, this is what I want and need to do. Maybe not this beach or this water lane. But I want to be near enough to the sea that I can take my dog for a walk on the beach in the spring evenings and skip along the shore if I want to.

It may not happen this year, as Alex has told me he's rather I didn't go for another year, but it will happen. I will go and live in Devon, and not just visit to stay with my friends down there.

I've got my fingers so tightly crossed that Al will be well enough by this Thursday that I can go for the weekend. I so need some me time right now. Both lots of friends are wanting to see me. So it will be a hectic weekend.

But of course if he's not well enough I'll stay here, and as my friend J said there's always the weekend after, or the one after that!

IT'S A MUM THING?!?!?!?!

It's a mum thing, and I'm exhausted from it.

Alex is still ill, but he is slowly getting over it. In that he had a couple of hours yesterday and today when he actually felt ok, before the vomiting came back.
He managed one piece of bread yesterday. Not what his mother advised, but the loaf was fresh from the bakers and therefore irresistible. It stayed down for an hour.
So since last Saturday when he had a portion of chips on the way home, He's had 1/3 of a yogurt, 5 mouthfuls of plain rice, 1/3 cup of tomato soup and the bread....

To add to my list of activities, such as running endless hot baths, endless bed making, endless hot water bottle filling, and endless glasses of fluid with ice cubes. Now I get to sort out the dog, who has diarrhoea and vomiting.....

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

So the dog is being starved till tomorrow and feeling very sorry for herself.

Now of course it's Valentines day. Mummy had to go out and buy red roses, a small fluffy lion and a card for sick son to give to his girlfriend. Then Mummy said she would go out while girlfriend came round on the understanding that there was absolutely no kissing!!!

So for just over an hour I parked up in a quiet country lane. Drank a flask of coffee, ate almonds and read my book whilst listening to the spring birds..... What bliss. That small time out, till I got the text saying I could come home, was just wonderful. Might do it again tomorrow with or without girlfriend turning up!

We have also just managed a walk together with the hound, with Alex feeling strong enough to be the one holding the lead.

And we have managed a serious conversation about the dog's future. We were told that the dog needed some help in socialisation.... Some, being a bit of an understatement.
She is a nightmare when faced with other people or dogs. So I've said I will get a behaviourist in to see if we can correct her behaviour.

She is obviously used to being hit, which is worrying. She'd been chewing something she shouldn't, she likes leather shoes imparticular! So I spoke to her in a firm voice and sat down to ignore her for a moment. I went to stroke her, to move on and she flinched so much, thinking I was going to strike her. Which I would never do, not because I don't feel like it, more that she can bite harder than me!!!

And if we can't correct the behaviour, I have told Alex that however much we love her, we cannot keep her. And for the first time he has understood what I'm saying as up till now he's been in, I think a fantasy place about her. But he agrees with me we cannot have a dog that doesn't allow us to have friends round or is in danger of biting someone.

Now this conversation has taken place, and the understanding from Alex I feel that some of the weight has been lifted. There is a long way to go, but at least now we both know the future. Obviously we would both like her to be the dog we know she is capable of judging by how quickly she's picked up what we want from her in the house. But......

So now it's just a matter of carrying on with my nursing duties and keeping my fingers crossed that both invalids are well enough on Thursday to allow me some very much needed time out in Devon. The weekend that, fortunately was called off due to snow when Al got ill.

As you can tell I only have two topics of conversation, but at least the stress levels are feeling more manageable at the moment. Does wonders for you when walking the dog round a field at 7.30 crying your eyes out. Then getting a couple of wonderful mates calling up to check up on you. Especially the one who just started laughing at me at what I was going through. It was just what I needed to get another perspective..... love you J!

Anyone got any ideas why blogger gets as far as downloading a picture and then comes to a slow and grinding halt and won't publish my pics. I don't like not having a pic at the top of a post.

Alex is really ill again.... so if you don't here from me you'll understand why.

Update at 6pm. Been to see the emergency doc. Has got new dissolvable tabs to try and stop being being sick < 7 times from 11am to 5pm with drink not even being tolerated.
If he keeps fluid down overnight ... great. If not back to hospital in the morning for another day of drip feeding. He's lost 14lbs since Saturday down from 70 kilos to 63 and he wasn't fat to begin with.
So fingers crossed for no more vomiting.

I INVENTED A MEME AND YOU GET TO DO IT

A few days ago a wonderful blogger who I love to bits wrote some amazing words about me, which made me smile for hours. If only he didn't live the other side of the Atlantic!!

Anyway it got me thinking about how we sometimes forget to tell people how much we like/admire/ love/respect them. So I've decided that I'm going to start an meme up and here are the rules.

A fellow blogger will write something about you.
They will let you know they have done so.
They will also decide for you who you are to write about, so taking the difficulty out of the decision making!!
They should choose two people who they know from reading your blog that you communicate a lot with.
If however you don't know the person chosen well enough to be able to make that comment,then you pick your oldest blog roll member and one of the newest.
And do the same process for them.

Because I'm the one starting this I'm write about four people using these rules. But in doing four it will open up more tracks into blog world, as I'll go in directions where people may not know the others blogs very well. Or I know their blog roles are different.

So first has to be the person who made the first ever comment on my blog back when I was a pixie! It is the wonderful TROUSERS(thetrouserpress.blogspot.com)

Trousers, is a blogger of huge personal integrity. He writes his own blog with honesty and pathos. He has a wicked sense of humour, which he has always used in commenting on my blog. He has an emotional intelligence that always makes me feel cared for and understood when I've written difficult pieces. He was the first blogger I ever met. I discovered he wasn't a mad axe man early on and have become close friends with him ever since. He is also one of the only men I know who can cope with being the only man at a blog party and hold his own without needing to revert to male stereotypes!

Second is also now a personal friend, although we don't get to see each other outside of my blog parties, LADY IN RED (mrsexyblueeyes.blogspot.com)

Lady, is an amazing warm woman, who, if she picks up you need support in any way is there in her comments, emails and texts, and the occasional late night phone call!!She has had a difficult life, which she deals with, at least outwardly with flair and courage. She does not do feeling sorry for herself, she just picks herself up and carries on. She has a talent making people around her feel special. Once she has given you her friendship, look after it, cause you are being given a special gift. She is just fab and fun and a person I'm pleased to call my friend

Third is a newish member of my blog roll since last summer. We've recently started emailing each other, ANGELA (lettersfromusedom.blogspot.com)

Angela,is a gorgeous strong opinionated woman, who fights for what she believes in. She has an amazing determination, as anyone who reads her will soon pick up. She has a zest for life that, when she is feeling good just hugs you with enthusiasm whilst reading her words. She has a caring nature that may take a little longer to discover, not because it's hidden, more she just doesn't broadcast it, but there is a school somewhere in Africa, who certainly knows about that side of her. It is a joy getting to know her better.

And last, but of course not least is one of the newest people on my blog roll, ANYA (fortyyearslater.typepad.com)

Anya, is a woman on a journey, her journey to self discovery after a long relationship ended. She writes with a huge enjoyment for life, even when some of the days have been bleak. Her courage in facing life as a woman of a certain age without a partner is inspiring. It's like watching a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis after a long hard winter. At the moment her wings are fluttering gently as she strengthens them and you can tell that any day now she is just going to soar up into the sky.

Ok that's my list I've tried to pick four people who I know don't usually comment on each others stuff. Although Trousers and Lady do know each other, their blog rolls are diverse from one anothers. So please don't be offended if I haven't picked you doesn't mean I don't love you lots. I just wanted sow these seedlings in different places.

Now comes the challenge part! And of course we all know what happens when we break chain letters.... yep you get turned into a toad!

So Trousers, you have to write about Caroline Smailes and DJ Kirby
Lady, you have to write about Trixie (the woman from Oz, not my dog!) and Rae.
Angela, you have to write about Val and Crystal Jigsaw
Anya, you have to write about Judy in KY and Susan.

I'm sorry I'm useless at links, but hopefully you know your own blog roll well enough!
Photo will come later when blogger gets it's act together

STRESS, GETS MORE EXCITING AS YOU GET MORE OF IT!!

It doesn't rain.....

At 3am on Saturday morning Alex started being sick. On Sunday morning I contacted NHS Direct, who are really good, and got their advice.
He was no better last night, in fact was worse to the point that he couldn't even drink water without bringing it back. Spoke to them again and they suggested that if he was no better by this afternoon then he should go to hospital
He managed to sleep for 6 hours last night and woke up vomiting at 5am on an empty stomach.
I made the decision that enough was enough, and took him to hospital, after him probably been sick 30 times, and not haven eaten since Saturday lunch time.
So he's spent the day on a drip to re-hydrate him. Been given loads of injections to relieve his stomach ache and to stop him being sick.
He's home now and has taken anti emetic tabs and so far as managed, despite still feeling very sick to hold down two small glasses of Coke (one of the best stomach settlers known to man, plus full of much needed sugar!)for three hours.
He's had I don't know how many baths, as they are the only way he can relax his poor knotted stomach and gone to bed to try and get a really decent sleep.

So once we got home I immediately had to set to and sort out the dog, who had never been left alone for so long. She'd been really well behaved and hadn't sat on the sofa, which she now knows she can't go on and was doing last week. But she was very hungry and needed exercising. This all meant that I had to look after her after a day of looking after Alex.

The only relief I've had today was going into the Hospital Chapel and cry my eyes out for 15 minutes and then phoned friends until I found one to speak to, to get yet another virtual hug and some words of love.

And eventually, because I could, I've had an ice cold glass of real champagne.... because I surely deserve it. But daren't have more just in case I'm needed to have my wits about me any time tonight.

And I thought last week had been stressful!!! And to add insult to injury I should have worked today, so haven't earnt any money.... Hey ho!!

(pic is of dawn on Monday morning in the school grounds)

and for anyone who gets emails from me please forgive me not contacting you till later in the week.

FOR YOU WITH LOVE FROM ME xxxx

I've got so naughty.....
I've been awarded five awards and although I thanked the people when I got them, I can't remember who gave them to me except the last couple.

I know that's really bad behaviour and I need to stand in the corner for some time.

Or write out my lines.....

I must pay more attention
I must pay more attention,
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention.
I must pay more attention

My only excuse is I've been stressed beyond what I can deal with.

So please forgive me, all you lovely people who decided I was worth it. I really am grateful So rather than make a worry of it, as I have enough on my plate I'll just say that: I am so incredibly fortunate to have you all as blog friends, email friends and given me a real hug friends.

I don't know what I'd without you sometimes. To be able to know I can talk to you and that you'll leave me a caring comment is just so magical wherever and however it's delivered.

So instead of a badge, (and I don't know if this is possible to put on your own blog)I want you to have a bunch of flowers to say thank you for being you. So there is a selection to choose from.

And maybe I'll finish with some wise words from someone else, that I definately need to hold on to right now!

.... When we look into the heart of a flower, we see clouds,sunshine,minerals,time,the earth and everything else in the cosmos in it. Without clouds there woud be no rain, and there would be no flower

Thich Nhat Hanh
Be Still and Know
c 1996

LIFE INSURANCE AND CANCER..... YEAH RIGHT

I need to have a small rant, which of course may turn into a big one, but hey it's my rant....

I recently took out a mortgage. The bank advised me to have life insurance to work alongside it. Although as the amount on my mortgage was so small it didn't matter really to them whether I had it, or not.

Fine, I'd never thought I was going to get life insurance again having had breast cancer anyway.

So the forms were all filled in. Eventually the Insurance company decided they needed more information about my health. Fair enough, although they had already been told about the cancer and the fact I'm on Thyroxine for low Thyroid levels and will be for the rest of my life.

The GP surgery prepared the form, I went along to check it. It was very extensive , included stuff about my mother's death from an unrelated cancer 23 years ago. But what the...

This information was sent, but apparently not enough they needed more information.

And now they have sent me the proposal, which has really upset me. So before I come onto that I want to say something about breast cancer.

When a woman has had breast cancer she is generally, after all the initial treatment, whatever that is, given a drug like Tamoxifen for the next five years. This drug is an oestrogen inhibitor to reduce the risk of recurrence and protection for the other breast. After five years of being on this, and being symptom free, she is considered to be cured of breast cancer and the tablets stop.

In my case my breast cancer was DCIS, that is the very beginning of cancerous changes, so small that pre surgery I had to have a wire inserted in my breast to mark the spot where the lesion was. In my first operation I had a lumpectomy and lymph node removal. The lymph nodes were clear. But unfortunately the margin wasn't clear so I had a further lumpectomy. Again this wasn't successful because although the cancer was minuscule to was scattered in my breast, so it was an easy decision to have a mastectomy. What it did mean was three, two of them major, operations in eight weeks!

Because of the nature of the cancer and how quickly it had been caught then I didn't need either chemo or radiotherapy. And was put on Tamoxifen.

As far as I'm concerned I have no breast tissue left to get cancer in on one side of my body, and the other hopefully the drugs are doing their job of protecting me. Which of course doesn't mean I'm complacent and I regularly check myself.

I've made the assumption that in January 2011 I will be taken of the drugs and given a discharge by my Consultant and that will be me done.

So back to those bastards at the insurance company. Their proposal was that I could pay £60 a month for the next four years and then whooppeedo, it would be reduced to £14 a month...... What the fuck!

So the medical profession consider I will be cured by 2011, but the insurance company see me as a liability until 2013. Plus I do not think they have considered correctly what happened to me, in terms of having what turned out to be a radical mastectomy for DCIS and not requiring any further treatment. Is there something I don't know?

The whole episode has upset me. I think and feel, on top of dealing with the cancer issue,( well alright just at the moment!!!) So I phoned them up to talk it over, as I felt it was too upsetting to write it all down, and I couldn't be bothered truth be told.

So yesterday I asked if I should speak to the young man who answered the phone, or was their someone more suitable to listen to me. He the cocky bastard, said talk to him. I revealed all of this to him. It may seem easy from writing it here. But it wasn't easy to tell. The only reason it's easy now, is cause I'm so angry. So when I'd finished telling him this, and expecting to be asked questions, and a possible review of their proposal, he just said, I'll cancel the application then. Which left me speechless at the callousness of his behaviour.

Now I know I could take this further and complain. But I won't, not because I can't. I am well capable of complaining, but because this just feels abusive and for me to continue, would make me feel further abused. And frankly I don't need to do that to myself about a subject that at best I'm ok with, and at worst find distressing beyond words.

So now I've offloaded all this to you, and this seems the very best place to say it, as I know that you will understand, even if you haven't had cancer , but because you are understanding and caring people. You may tell me I need to do more, you may not. But whatever you say will be said with love and not some mindless spotty oik in an insurance office far away.

If you've got this far, thank you for listening.

Snow has got me so no weekend away for me!

SNOW DAY AND A LIFT TO MY MOOD

It's a snow day!
And even Miss Trix on going for a walk at 7am, only did what she needed to do before turning tail and heading home!
I've used the only bit of power I relish and I have made the decision to close the school across the road from me. Not as far fetched as it sounds I am chair of the board of governors! Mind you the decision is not as exciting as it used to be when the boys where there and they would be asking me to close it so they could go sledging instead.
Right now youngest took one look at the weather, and rolled over in bed rather than battle the 10 miles to college.

And it is the boys where my grief has been focused recently. More initially related to my eldest. He is 23 he lives in London and now has a good job that is secure for the next three years as he's on a fast track management scheme.

Herein lies the problem, the realisation that he is a man, and no longer lives at home at all. From here on in, his visits will be flying ones when he sees a reason to come home. He no longer wants to talk to me in the way we used to. All of this is of course perfectly normal and as it should be. But emotionally for me it's been really hard. I have always talked to my eldest, probably more than I should have done.... but hey hindsight is a glorious gift eh? Hasn't helped over the years, that my family support network is no longer there in the way that most people I know have either a parent of partner loitering around somewhere!

And because of my current stresses I have felt very isolated, whilst at the same time trying to cope with the changing relationship with my eldest son.

This has meant that I have tried talking to my youngest, cause one of the two big stresses has, and is the dog. But he doesn't want to listen to me, he thinks I'm pathetic when I get upset. His best form of defence has always been anger, so he gets cross with me, when I have tried talking about my anxieties.

Don't get me wrong Trix in the house is the most loving, soft and gentle dog anyone could wish for. But outside is a different matter. Her socialisation skills are just not there. Now we knew this before we got her but the effort of dealing with her is tough.

Particularly since we had the dog for Alex, and he assured me pre her that he would be pulling his weight. Of course I knew he wouldn't, why on earth would he get up at 7am to walk her???? Don't get me wrong I actually like doing that as there is no-one else about, so walking her is more relaxing then.

But I needed to be heard and the more I tried to get heard the more upset we both got and reverted to our ways of dealing with high emotion. Me crying, Al shouting.

I actually do know that he does hear me, as always after a time like this he is gentler and more considerate of me and now is no exception.

I continue to worry and he continues not, I continue to be the main carer and him not. But at least I feel I've had my say and that has helped me to feel better.

Added to that he has said he doesn't want me to go to Devon yet, and would prefer if I was around for another year. That has not caused me the problems I thought it would. As the waiting was always about him getting to be 18, which happens next month. So that the time line can now be more fluid inside me as I have reached the point where there is nothing other than my own choice that stops me going. Which feels fine I'm no longer trapped by waiting. So I do feel ok about staying around for a while longer.

Anyway up here the chances of selling are pretty remote anyway!!

And my other big stress has been about one of my new jobs. The upline managers have all been very supportive and so that stress has lifted from my shoulders as they are happy that I do the job my way and don't feel forced into buying into the pressure that I felt I was under before.

And because I did find the wherewithal to talk to my friends I now know that is is with them that my future confidences lie, not my sons. They are there own people with their own lives and my time as being part of our little triad is over almost. And will become increasingly so as Al needs me less and less this year.

I don't for one minute think they will ever stop loving me, just they unless the shit hits the fan for them won't need me. As it should be.

It's just been another steep learning curve! Possibly more than for some others as single parents don't have anyone else to bounce off. Not that mums all over the world won't be having empty nest syndrome happening right now. I suppose I've just been dealing with the very final part of my eldest growing up. And like all learning related to children it happens to them first and takes the parent a little while longer to understand the new development!

FRIENDSHIP PURE AND SIMPLE

I've been in a dark place recently.
A place where I felt terrible grief, like unrelenting waves crashing over me from a stormy sea.
I have felt stressed
I have felt alone
I have felt scared
And I have felt unable to tell anyone till yesterday, other than hint at it here.
When I get like this I have a tendency to get somewhat paranoid, and go to a place where I believe no-one likes me. When I feel like this is becomes almost impossible to ask for help and support.

I know that this is a stupid place and eventually I will be able to talk myself into admitting how I feel to my friends.
Who without fail are never anything other than caring and supportive.

Of course, I realise that this place I go to is the one where, the little girl had no friends at school and would wander round the school grounds at lunch time, pretending it didn't matter that no-one wanted to play with her.

I know that the little girl still takes a teddy wherever she goes just in case she's alone and needs a friend. The bears that go with me, two of them are 2" high and they live in my handbag when I go travelling. They come into their own when I'm stuck at airports and feeling lost.

But the little girl over the years has made friends, wonderful ones who are so caring about their friend, that they are always there when I can admit I'm not coping.

And I would just like to pay tribute to them tonight.

Sorrow, who I let know that I wasn't doing well who responded by holding me gently in her thoughts

Eve, after my calling her up at 3am my time, 9pm hers and told her how I felt sent me an email this morning, telling that I had to remember that what I was doing, I was doing for love. And once I accepted that, it would be okay.

Max, who opened her email... byrd, silly old bear, and went on to gently let me know that she wasn't upset with me, as in my mad thinking I'd decided she was.

Angela, who suggested I send on some information to her and I ended up pouring my heart out to and she responded with a wonderful warm response never having spoken to me before.

Roger and Ed, two guys who are helping me in my new business venture, which is not going as I would like but who were just lovely to me when I talked about what was going on for me and both said that they were always at the end of a phone and that I wasn't to struggle alone.

JB, who when I went round her house this afternoon just hugged me, passed me the tissues and listened and then hugged me again.

And this doesn't even include the lovely blog people who have picked up that I've not been happy and sent loving thoughts to me, especially my lovely friend Trousers.

I feel held and cherished by all of you, and it gives me the strength to let go of my paranoid thinking and know that I am loved. And that it is okay to be loved and not just my job to love and not think I can't have it in return. I am no longer that 10 year old child, but I do need to look after her and accept that I am nowadays lovable.

RIGHT ON BILL!!

A lazy post tonight, as my mood is not good and don't want to write it out yet, need to sort out my emotions a bit first. So in the meantime here is another circular. It really amused me, tried to tell youngest with attitude, but.....

Plus a picture of Trix the snow dog!

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Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you chances as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

B IS FOR.......

The wonderfully poetic Cait O'Connor has suggested that I write 10 things starting with the letter B that matter to me.
And if anyone comments the prize they will get is they will be given a letter too, to play with should they want. And I promise not to use the difficult ones like Q

BOYS
So starting at the top of my list it has to be boys. Not any old boys, just mine. The two people I love most in the world. The two people I would die for, as described in that circular post. The make my world. The give me joy. They keep me scared for their well being. I love them unconditionally.

BAKING
I love cooking of all sorts, and there is nothing I love more than having friends or family around and making them food.To sit and share what I have, to give to others, whether it's my effort in the cooking or the sharing of the food itself doesn't matter

BANTER
This follows with the baking, to sit at the table after the food is eaten and just converse about whatever comes our way is just a delight.To laugh, to think, to feel. To share with others, there is nothing better.

BAGS
I love handbags with a passion. I'm currently using a Marc Jacobs one I got in New York in the sales,she said name dropping for all she was worth!!! And that has replaced my Prada bag that was the present I gave myself for having a mastectomy. Admittedly I got some insurance money to pay for it, I'm not Rockefeller!!

BREASTS
I am happy with how my body looks. Dealing with losing a breast was really a no brainer, as there was no choice.... life or death, see no choice! So I make the most of what I've got because I live in a different space now.

BRAIN
I have one, I use it, it took a long time to believe I had it. And I get great pleasure out of being equal to others now, and not feeling that I'm intellectually less able than them. And I'm terrified of losing it with senile dementia or some such horrid disease.


BEREAVEMENT
I've had to deal with more than my fair share in the last 22 years. But what I know now is, that God forbid apart from anything happening to my boys, that nothing else can hurt as much as what I've already gone through. And that makes me strong, because when I feel pain, I know it only has a limited shelf life and I will move on.

BEAUTIFUL
One of the gifts I have since being ill is an ability to see more of the beauty around me. The beauty of my friends and family, the beauty of the world, the beauty of being alive. I take nothing for granted, I am thankful every day that I am privileged to be here.

BOSSY
I have been told many times that I am bossy, but I see it more as I am very organised and efficient. I have a sharp mind, and can see solutions and grasp situations quickly. I'm not good at tolerating fools. All in all, a typical Aries!

BOOKS
I love reading. I usually have two or three books on the go at any one time. Each book will be situated in a different place for reading there. So by my bed I've nearly finished reading the new Zoe Heller. In my work bag, for when clients don't turn up is the latest Nikki French paperback. And in the kitchen is my work reading, which of course hardly ever gets looked at.

BLOGGING
Where would I be without it. It has been a life line for the last two years plus. It has got me through a broken heart, through acceptance of myself on all levels. It has got me some amazing friends in the world. Some of whom are now real friends. And others who I may one day get to meet.

I know this is 11, but there didn't seem one that could be left out.

So this is my best,brilliant,breathtaking,belligerent,ballsy,bad,bountiful load of ........

ONE WORD SUNDAY

I pinched this from Mel it seemed a good idea to just stick with one word instead of my usual 150!!!
You wanna do it, you know the rules. I'm not passing it on, just pinch it.


1. Where is your mobile phone (cell) hiding
2. Your significant other? outthere.('tis a real word!)
3. Your hair? dyed
4. Your mother? dead
5. Your father? dead
6. Your favourite? what?
7. Your dream last night? anxious
8. Your favourite drink? champagne
9. Dream/goal? Devon
10. Virtue? compassion
11. Hobby? blogging
12. Fear? alchziemers (spellin?)
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. Where were you last night? Liverpool
15. Something that you aren't? Tactful
16. Muffins? Nah!
17. Wish list item? Devon
18. Where you grew up? Haven't
19. Last thing you did? walk
20. What are you wearing? jeans
21. TV? occasionally
22. Pets? TRIX!
23. Friends? lots
24. Your life? great
25. Your mood? peaceful
26. Missing someone? eldest
27. Car? MX5
28. Something you're not wearing? tiara
29. Your favourite shop? none
30. Your favourite colour? Green
33. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
34. Last time you cried? Sunday
35. One place that you go to over and over? Philadelphia/ Devon (Ok shoot me I cheated)
36. One person who emails you regularly? Max
37. Your favourite place to eat? withfriends (tis one word!)

I know that two questions are missing .... I'm blaming Mel.