Wednesday, 4 February 2009


I've been in a dark place recently.
A place where I felt terrible grief, like unrelenting waves crashing over me from a stormy sea.
I have felt stressed
I have felt alone
I have felt scared
And I have felt unable to tell anyone till yesterday, other than hint at it here.
When I get like this I have a tendency to get somewhat paranoid, and go to a place where I believe no-one likes me. When I feel like this is becomes almost impossible to ask for help and support.

I know that this is a stupid place and eventually I will be able to talk myself into admitting how I feel to my friends.
Who without fail are never anything other than caring and supportive.

Of course, I realise that this place I go to is the one where, the little girl had no friends at school and would wander round the school grounds at lunch time, pretending it didn't matter that no-one wanted to play with her.

I know that the little girl still takes a teddy wherever she goes just in case she's alone and needs a friend. The bears that go with me, two of them are 2" high and they live in my handbag when I go travelling. They come into their own when I'm stuck at airports and feeling lost.

But the little girl over the years has made friends, wonderful ones who are so caring about their friend, that they are always there when I can admit I'm not coping.

And I would just like to pay tribute to them tonight.

Sorrow, who I let know that I wasn't doing well who responded by holding me gently in her thoughts

Eve, after my calling her up at 3am my time, 9pm hers and told her how I felt sent me an email this morning, telling that I had to remember that what I was doing, I was doing for love. And once I accepted that, it would be okay.

Max, who opened her email... byrd, silly old bear, and went on to gently let me know that she wasn't upset with me, as in my mad thinking I'd decided she was.

Angela, who suggested I send on some information to her and I ended up pouring my heart out to and she responded with a wonderful warm response never having spoken to me before.

Roger and Ed, two guys who are helping me in my new business venture, which is not going as I would like but who were just lovely to me when I talked about what was going on for me and both said that they were always at the end of a phone and that I wasn't to struggle alone.

JB, who when I went round her house this afternoon just hugged me, passed me the tissues and listened and then hugged me again.

And this doesn't even include the lovely blog people who have picked up that I've not been happy and sent loving thoughts to me, especially my lovely friend Trousers.

I feel held and cherished by all of you, and it gives me the strength to let go of my paranoid thinking and know that I am loved. And that it is okay to be loved and not just my job to love and not think I can't have it in return. I am no longer that 10 year old child, but I do need to look after her and accept that I am nowadays lovable.


Milla said...

I saw your opening lines on Cait's blog and had to come over, just to be friendly through the ether. I was that child at lunchtimes (the longest time on earth, inventing "stomach aches" so I could sit on a chair outside the staff room and not have to pretend not to care outside amongst all the breezy heartless children. And you know what the best thing about feeling rubbish is that it can only get better. I hope. the days are getting longer, spring will be here. xx

Sorrow said...

Ahh dear one
You are a treasure..
and i will tell you that 100 times a day
every day for a 100 days
I will tell you
you are wonderful
and special
and not alone.
nestled in my heart

trousers said...

Thank you - I do appreciate that. Especially as I've been feeling rather tense and nervy and downright scared the last few days myself: there's comfort to be taken from reading this post.

Hugs x

Angela said...

I have a friend who is ALSO a very good therapist, and she once told me about a woman who had been abused as a child. This woman came into therapy because she could not believe she was lovable. And my friend guided her back to being this bewildered and unhappy child and let her "walk" along the hall in her flat. Then, when all the loneliness floated over her again, my friend let a new image appear: Herself, with a large brown blanket! She opened her arms and wrapped the child in this thick brown blanket and held her. All in her imagination, but very real for the woman. And this NEW image let the old fears disappear. From now on there was always the brown blanket to be wrapped in!
So now, close your eyes, Mandy, imagine this lonely little girl you were at lunchtime, and here comes a new girl, saying, "Can I sit with you?" offering you a piece of chocolate! And she becomes your friend!
How does that feel?

justme said...

Oh .....honey.....I do feel for you. I have nothing to offer but a virtual hug, and just to tell you that your words have often helped me, and I am so glad to have 'met' you. Life is so f***ing hard some days. Spring will come. Things will get better. I trust. xxx

nitebyrd said...

You are definitely loved and cherished. I always have a shoulder available. Life is sometimes overwhelming and you think that no one could possibly understand but there are wonderful people who do. Those people are the ones that will love and cherish you always.


Dark Side said...

Sorry to hear you have been in a bad place even though we picked up on as much...

You are one special lady and don't you ever forget it!..xx(((hugs)))

Mel said...

Loving, loveable and loved.

((((((( the byrdie ))))))))

Just cuz.

Know I'm thinkin' of you.

e said...

Dear Fire Byrd,

As a new reader to your Blog and a new Blogger myself, I just wanted you to know that I appreciated your lovely comment on my poetry posting and to extend a virtual hug of support. I have, at times, experienced what you describe from your childhood as well as now, and the more your air, the better it will be! Please drop by again. The friends and colleagues you named in your posting are as lucky to have you as you are to have them.

Natalie said...

Fire Byrd ~ It is part of depression/ grief to isolate yourself. An expected part of it apparently.

How brave you are to share your bears and story.

Hats off to you, and a great big 'bear hug' from Australia. xxoo

I love your site, you give off a lovely energy.

Mei Del said...

you are a brave thing, the past can be a frightening place ... i think though that you can't believe sometimes that you have got through your loneliness - just look at all the friends (true friends, even in bogland) you have made since xx

cheekydani said...

Thinking of you Ms Byrd. I know what it's like to feel low, I withdraw into myself as well, find it hard to open up and feel guilty for being a burden. But there are people who love and care for you and obviously you know that, just have to feel it deep inside too. The one beautiful thing about life is it is always changing. Things will change. It might be slow but they will. Big hugs honey x

toady said...

Like Milla I saw your blog on Cait's blog.
Just to say that I've been there, for different reasons and I'm sure you know that it's clinical depression. I've been blighted by it for 16 years, on and off and you will get better, it just seems that when you are in the depths of it you never will. Take comfort from your lovely friends and please consider seeing your Doc and getting some meds. I always balk when I have to go back on them but at least taking them allows me to function.
Take care.


Fire Byrd said...

milla, thank you so much for stopping by and being so supportive. And sharing your own childhood loneliness.

sorrow, where would I be without you?

trousers I'm sorry that you to are in a bad space, here's to both feeling sorted soon.

angela,you are simply lovely and your new real friendship is an absolute joy to me.

just me, it must be in the ether with so many of us feeling like this at the oment. Glad that you seem to be coming through yours.

nitebyrd, thank you for the offer of your shoulder, can't tell you how much that means to me.

rach, you are just so lovely. And always so generous with your words.

mel, we must hug tight in our hours of need and I'm sending you such a big hug back to you

e, thank you for your supportive comments and stuff about yourself. I'll put you on my blog roll so I remember to stop by.

natalie, thank you for my bear hug, definately felt held by it. And for your praise for my blog, I can't tell you how much I appreciate those words.

mei, as ever so perceptive, your right whenI go to that bad place I do forget that people love me for a while. It is so difficult to throw off the shackles of our childhods sometimes.

dani, your are right when weare in the space we do forget that people love us and the guilt bites us with how much of a burden we are. Which of course is absolute bollocks as our friends would hate to know we are in pain.

I am just so lucky to have you lot, thank you from the bottom of my heart, you lot rock

Fire Byrd said...

toady, thank you so much for stopping by. Although I have thought long and hard about whether this was depression on the whole I don't think it is. It's come about because of a situation of loss and more stress than was healthy. I am talking about the grief I feel. And have reduced the stressful situations I'm having to deal with. And cause I'm talking I am feeling better.
But if I thought it was depression I would go to my doc without hesitation.
So thank you so much for your concern I really do appreciate it

Val said...

dear fire byrd - been in a bit of an overcast state of mind meself just lately. i have been blaming the weather, the january thing, and the frustration of trying to wind up a bad biz decision...and its EXHAUSTING. Sorry to hear you have been low. the thing about friends is you must never be shy to share your thoughts both dark and light, as we all learn from each other and so can grow through things togther because we are connected. Trouble is gloom tends to bring intertia too, and any effort seems too much.
What is that famous story about the king (?) who asked for a special gift and was given a ring inscribed with "This Too Shall Pass" ie whether its good or bad, it will pass again and again... its supposed to make you feel better i think :-)
We all love the outpourings from your headspace whatever the mood, so you can dump here too!!
hope you are feeling a bit lighter soon. xV

Ronjazz said...

The feelings you share here are all too familiar with me as well. It drives me batty, and we need to keep fighting...the alternative is not an option. I think of you a lot,FB, don't ever think I don't. And as I get through my own difficulty, always remember that I'm available to you when you want it.