Memories and feelings

So with my new broom, or in my case a dog vacuuming Dyson I've cleaned the house ready for the New Year. It being a bank holiday of course the weather has been dull.
I won't say I've expunged my ghosts, it's much to early for that. But I am thinking with pleasure about my memories of David.

I've had a phone call from Alex in Spain, four out of the nine have got into some sort of trouble, but not Alex. I kept repeating, have you personally got into any trouble? He said not and then sent a text saying that I wasn't too worry as he was being the reponsible one. (......................??????)

I started the day with my mind flat and dreading the day. But as the day has gone on and I've done nice things with myself, like walk Trix, change beds, drink creamy coffee at the bottom of the garden, my mood has lifted.

It is one of those strange things about our minds that whatever the mood it won't stay for long. And as long as I hold onto that when the going is tough, then it makes it bearable.

The secret is to accept how the mood is and not deny it. As in the denial the mood takes on parasite like qualities and wraps itself around our souls, feeding off our fear. The fear that we will never be free of the vile feeling, the fear that life will always be tough or whatever else our mind says to itself.

I know what I need to do when the fear gremlin strikes, and that is paradoxically to welcome the feeling, in so doing I reduce it's power over me. And I will think of ways to beat it. Whether those are emotional, in watching a soppy movie to make me cry... It's a Wonderful Life, never fails! Or reading a safe and familiar book that will get me in touch with my inner pain. Or physical things that tire me out and make me vunlerable to letting go of the pain.

Obviously, sometimes the pain doesn't need any help as it is too raw, as now, and I have a choice of memories to hook into to allow me to feel. It is in situations like this sometimes the smallest sentence or thought that can spark off the pain.

When it does I let myself feel it in all it's rawness, as I know that allowing myself to experience these emotions is the only way to move on from them.
So at the moment I've been strong enough to take David's number off my phone and his email address from my computer. But not strong enough to read his emails. But they are there and I will read them before I let them go, when I'm strong enough to do that task.

And in the meantime I'll be alright with myself as I have no control over the way feelings flow in and out of my mind. I will just accept that they do, and that in so doing that is part of the human condition.

To counterbalance an excessive amount of thinking time, I've also been fixing up some social time, so I do get to talk, cry, have fun with others. And thereby remain as balanced as possible for anyone in the throws of a new grief situation.

All those adages,which drive me crazy, are there because they are true; time heals, life goes on, you have to move on, blah, blah, blah, I know they work, I don't deny it as I've had more grief in my life than is sensible to deal with. And this is just another one to deal with, this is the first friend I have lost.

And I will do as I always do, and accept I'm doing the best I can at any given moment, and in so doing will forgive myself for being mortal.

Happy Christmas and here's hoping for an even better NEW YEAR!

It seemed to me that I need to break the back of this year, so I'm starting my New Year right now today! So may I wish you all a Happy Christmas and an even better New Year!!!
Which means that my last new year also started today, which I think is going to work.
So this is what has happened to me since then.....

September 08
Kit left home properly to live in London

October 08
My car was engraved with the words sex and cunt and cost £1000 to repair, of which I had to personally pay £500

November 08
Devon for a weekend.

December 08
Went to New York and stayed with David in his sister in law's apartment for a week.
Christmas, which of course is a mixture of happiness and stress, particularly as I cooked lunch single handedly for 7 people.
Went to Philly for the New Year.

January 09
On return from Philly found toilet leaking in upstairs bathroom, water had leaked through to ceiling below
Got Trix....... Wanted to send her back it was sooo stressful

February 09
Washing machine bust mid cycle, had to buy new one, insurance wouldn't pay out.
Snowed in..... no work no pay.
Alex got ill for the first time, he was ill for 12 days including a day in hospital, another work day.... no work no pay.
My Auntie died, so horrid funeral to attend.

March 09
Went to Devon for a weekend
Alex's 18th birthday night spent in a police cell for fighting

April 09
My birthday... yah! lovely week long celebrations!
Devon and Cornwall for a week staying with three lots of friends
Kit came home for Easter.
Alex admitted to hospital for second time, this time ill for a week..... No work no pay.

May 09
Thankfully Alex well enough for me and Jenny to go to Amsterdam for a weekend, battle is still ongoing with travel company at the state of the hotel.
Alex admitted to hospital again, ill for 4 days.... and guess what, yep, no work no pay!! But I finally worked out what was wrong with him.
Met up with David for lunch, first time we'd managed to get together since America, and what proved to be our last meeting.
Went to London, stayed for three nights each with different people, met bloggers, cousins and Kit's girlfriend for the first time.

June 09
Breast cancer check up.
Went back to Philly for 10 days. Phone call from Alex in big trouble for fighting had to get legal advice.
Had to have new glasses
Lost an emerald out of a little Victorian ring, followed by another emerald out of the ring I wear all the time in memory of my mum, Followed by the complete loss of all stones out of a Victorian diamond and sapphire ring. Got my mum's ring fixed.

July 09
Back to Devon for a long weekend.

August 09,so far!!!!
London for three nights, one with Kit, and two in swish hotel with friend from Philly. No wonder I told Kit I didn't want to go home.
And the next day..... Alex arrested for causing criminal damage, makes front page news in local paper following Wednesday
House goes on the market
Alex goes away to Spain with 8 lads ( please, please let that go well!!!)
David dies

So now can see why I want to change the date of the New Year. What is to come, will be Alex's court case. I just hope that when that happens there is a bigger story going on to put on the front page of the local paper. Hopefully me selling my house and moving. And going to Germany to meet Geli, and then coming back for David's funeral, and the rest of my life........

I think I've had my share of tough this year. But maybe it's cause I live large that this happens, who knows.
But what I do know is, that I couldn't have coped without the support and love of my friends. And the love and devotion of my wonderful dog Trix, who just is the world's best dog. I think I can only be grateful I don't have a partner, as with what's been going on this year we'd probably be in the middle of a divorce anyway!!!!

For David

I remember the first day I met you.
Both of us nervous,
me to be asked to such a prestigious event
And you, as you wanted the job.

I sent you a note, saying well done you,
I wrote the wrong name on the envelope
Something you used to tease me about.

We always connected
then you asked me to take on the job.
I was already a governor, but you saw something else
you knew, I could cope with being the chair

And so we sat meeting after each meeting
connecting and understanding
and doing our biz

And how I loved you, I had such a crush
I dreamt of you asking me out
but you never did, and I even told you
so we could work it through.
our friendship evolved to being great mates

then came the day you said you were leaving
what was I going to do without you.
we arranged to do lunch
and found we could talk
about movies and books, life and art

we went away for a weekend to the lakes
you in your solitary cell, and me in my room with a view
you wanted to be able to have time by yourself
but we went everywhere together instead.

the years past by and our friendship stayed strong
you said you were going to New York for 6 months
and then you invited me to stay
you who were so private, wanted me to play

New York before Christmas was such a treat
the modern art,the park,
the walking and walking off our feet.
the diners for breakfast

And now you are dead and I hurt so much
my friend I loved you
and mourn for my loss

But I promise you this
I will go and stay in the Algonquin one day for sure
And then I'll drink to you
and love you some more.

Near death escape

OK, OK I give in, I'll tell a tale of my past. I'm very flattered that you all seem to want to know about me, so.....

I was 19 years old, a 1st year student nurse. I was blissfully in love with David, we had started going out when I was 17 and he was 20, and would continue to do so until I was 22 and I ended our relationship as he wanted to get married and I wanted to see more of the world. It took me many, many years to stop thinking about him, my first love.

Anyway I digress, we decided to go on holiday together, it was the first holiday I'd ever taken without my parents, so it was exciting in all sorts of ways.

We were canal and river mad, so we decided to hire a little boat just big enough for two and set off. OK, I know most of you are not from the UK and don't know where places are, so this story happens in the Midlands, starting in a county called Worcestershire, going up to Birmingham, which is England's second city and back to Worcs in a circle. We went through some beautiful towns like Evesham and Tewkesbury on the river and went on the canals through the heart of the industrial midlands around Birmingham.

One of the most scary sights had been in the middle of Birmingham, when the canal was next to an old soap factory, the water usually a murky brown was completely soap green in this stretch of the canal, with absolutely nothing growing at the side of the canal at all. It was strange like floating down through an endless bath where the soap has dissolved in the water. We stayed close from the edges of the boat, this was not a place to fall in at all.

To get into Birmingham there is a motorway system called Spaghetti Junction there are layers and layers of motorway going off in many different directions. We, in our little boat chugged under this and were amazed to find that actually there were several canal junctions too spreading out like a spiders web under Spaghetti Junction.

Our little boat was a 14 foot cruiser, it had only one cabin and a cockpit. Inside the cabin was a very small toilet and wash basin in a big cupboard and the rest of the cabin was one. There was a tiny stove with two gas rings and a grill underneath. And if you wanted to use the sink, you had to wait for the cooker to cool down and lift it up as the sink was hiding underneath.

There were two benches either side of the cabin with a table ,which at night we made up into our bed. We had sleeping bags that we had put together so we could cuddle up close.

We had many adventure on this holiday, from the thunder storm that broke over us and we were scared of being in a boat on the water, and we ran holding hands to a nearby bridge and hide underneath it until the storm had passed. Another time, I was cooking spaghetti for our supper. I couldn't drain the water down the sink I was using the gas rings, so I took the saucepan to the edge of the boat and promptly lost the whole contents overboard!!

We were very happy, and were happy with our allotted tasks, I would open the lock gates and David would steer the boat, which I had no confidence to do.

So it was the penultimate day of our holiday, the boat had to be back in the boatyard by midday the following day. Ahead of us was a tunnel a mile long, followed by a flight of locks, called the Tardebigge Flight, I can't remember exactly how many locks there are here, but it's somewhere between 15 and 20, one after the other in quick succession.

We had plenty of time,so setting off after breakfast we started, eventually the tunnel came in sight. Now the canal system is Victorian, and in the days when it was a working environment the canal barges were towed by horses, and when they reached the tunnels the horses would be walked over the top of the tunnel, and the men operating the barge would leg it on their backs along the length of the tunnel. Therefore there is no path in the tunnels, and the roof is low to have allowed the men to use their legs to propel the barges forward.

We went into the tunnel and I didn't like it, we had only torch light to guide us, and so I went into the cabin and hoped for it all to be over soon. David was of course steering the boat, but the water in this tunnel was very static and full of debris. So he had to keep stopping to move the next obstacle out of our way.

He got the boat hook, (a long pole with a hook on the end) to move the door (?) that was now in our way. As he got the hook he accidentally caught the flex that was attached to the light inside the cabin to it's energy source, a car battery.

He looked back and saw flames starting to come out of the hold where the battery was. He yelled for me to get out of the cabin. There we were half way down this tunnel,with static oil laden water, 100 ft below ground, with flames starting to leap out. In this hold there were also all the polythene that had covered our sleeping bags and any other trash that we were storing.

What were we going to do, this wasn't a place to escape from at all. Then my brain kicked in and I grabbed the fire extinguisher. I'd never used one in my life, but I'd been to a fire lecture at work recently, and it had obviously gone in what I was supposed to do. I took the pin out and hit the top, it wouldn't work, I hit it again, Oh Thank God it worked, the flames by this time were about 10 foot high.

The fire extinguisher worked it put out the flames, we were saved.

We got to the end of the tunnel somehow, fortunately we were not injured and apart from a lot of melted polythene and a very knackered car battery there was no residual damage.

We moored the boat and left all the damaged stuff on the bank (it was the days before awareness of leaving rubbish anywhere!) But after a quick hug we had to get back on the boat and go through all these bloody locks. We were terrified of not getting the boat back on time. Fortunately it was high summer as we were still going through locks at 10pm that night.

But we got through, we got to the boatyard we were ok.

The next year we went on again with two friends, a slightly different route, but one that took in the tunnel and the Tardebigge. This time we were on a substantially bigger barge. The chaps did the steering, and had the boat hook to hand with the boats search light trained on the water. The other woman was just helping as she could, and me.... well I hid in my bunk waiting to get out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Locks....On canals a single boat widths chamber that water is put in and allowed out to get the boat to a higher or lower level. There are hundreds and hundreds of miles of naviagable waterways in Britain. And when the canal near the Olympic stadium is complete it will be possible to got from the river Thames in London all the way up to Manchester in the north of England by water

An award for me

I got an award, well actually that's not strictly accurate, cause I've got about 7 and I'm useless at doing anything with them. So please accept my apologies if you've ever been kind enough to give me an award and have never seen it out on the shelf when you've popped round since. They are all being kept under lock and key in the cupboard under the stairs, where I can get them out and polish them occasionally.

Anyway, this award is the usual routine I say certain things about me, little known facts and I hand it over to 7 people.
More importantly I thank Nicky for giving me this award and thinking my writing was good enough compared to hers to receive such an honour.
So, as in all these things I'm going to not do as I'm told, and not put out all the proper instructions, which means you'll have to go check out Absolute Vanilla, Nicky's blog to do as you are told.

I would like to give this to Merry Me, cause her journey is being written out for all to see.
For Paula, Gin and Speck of Dust, cause they are coping the best they can with what life is throwing at them right now.
For Helen, who is turning her life round cause she can.
For Janis, so she can know she's not alone when it's tough going
For Pam, because she can bounce all over it.

So here are 7 things about me;

1. I nearly died in a fire, on a canal boat in a tunnel one mile long when I was 19.
2. I've been round the East Wing of the White House.
3. I've ridden on an elephant in Sri Lanka
4. I got engaged 10 days after meeting my first husband and married after 7 months
5. I spent three months on an oil tanker going from Italy to Canada, where I got off for a day trip and back to Sicily
6. I saw a great blue whale in the Gulf Stream from the top of the super tanker. And didn't realise it was as big as it was, till I saw a life size model years later in the Natural history museum.
7. My second marriage lasted FIVE weeks, but took two years to get divorced.
8. Outside of crisis that may happen, I'm happier now than I ever have been at any time in my life.
9. I own a diary written by my Grandfather when he was on the Somme.
10.I can't count!!!!
and 11. This is my house.... do you wanna buy it?

That's it, I've burnt my bridges now!

So there's no turning back now.....
The house is on the market, the first viewer is coming round on Saturday morning.... better get a new vacuum cleaner before then!!!

And I told the senior partner at work that I'll be leaving someday soon.
I've suggested a couple of colleagues names to replace me when the time is right, so that there is a seamless flow of counselling in my place of work.

It's odd a few weekends ago before I made this decision I had a cleaning glut, which is a rare occurrence, I may be obsessionally tidy, but cleaning I can leave for some time. And I did bizarre things like clean the mildew from the tiles in the bathroom. Even whilst doing them I thought I should get a life, big time. But now I'm so glad I've done these weird and wacky jobs.

So now when the mood takes me bits and bobs get sorted out, like filling a charity bag with all the clothes loitering at the top of my wardrobe on Sunday. And tonight getting rid of a plant that has been taking over the kitchen, but was mainly dead. It's been dead for some time, but I've been able to ignore it for ages, as shifting it would mean a whole load of leaves all over the kitchen.

This of course is exactly what happened, I just question my wisdom sometime though in not moving things out of the way first.... so lots of things then had to be emptied of fallen dead leaves, like my handbag (purse),briefcase, pen holder and all other things I left in the way to make a five minute job into a full half hour of sorting and cleaning!!

There are jobs that I know I'll have to do sooner or later, but need to gird my loins first, like sorting through my filling cabinet, and my desk, not things I like doing, far too much like hard work. But they will all have to be done as taking a receipt from the gas company from four years ago to Devon probably isn't necessary.

Thing is in this downsizing that I'm going to do, trying to be brutal with my books is very hard. Which ones do I cull, .... the art books that I never look at anymore but love, the novels that were so good when I read them that they have been kept never to be read again, the myriad of therapy books, some of which have been read and some just take up space on my bookshelf, but their work books and therefore essential.

As for the many CDs that I haven't listened to forever.... And I can't get rid of my vinyl, even though I haven't had a deck for around 20 years. I mean Sgt Pepper is worth something isn't it. Just because it's scratched to smithereens is irrelevant!!!

And I'm not a hoarder I just have collections of stuff! Does anyone have a use for Barry Manilow on vinyl?????

What price perfection.... self hate and no self respect perhaps.

We as human beings have many different characteristics or qualities,or in the psychological theory I was taught,constructs.

These constructs make up ourselves, and they are in a couple of layers. The day to day layers, like it being important to be polite, for instance. But this construct may go deeper. It may be vital for anyone to be polite as it takes them back to their childhoods and the memories of pleasing Mum. This then would be superordinate construct(SCs),one of the mainstays of an individuals personality.

For me, I know being loyal, compassionate and generous are totally important to me, even if I don't always achieve them. What having these SCs enables me to do is to strive to be the best I can. But when I don't achieve them this is where problems can start.

So many people want to be perfect, whatever that means! They give themselves this agenda of impossible demands, that can never be obtained so that they always fail. It is called a self fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes they don't even get as far as trying, as they know they'll fail, so better to keep safe by not doing anything as it's all such a risk!

This is extremely unhealthy and damaging as it makes people trapped in their worlds, where they get more and more isolated as they make the erroneous assumption that they are the only ones who feel like they do.

One of my tasks then is to help normalise people. To bring them from the place of unobtainable goals to a place of realism about what it means to be human.

And how do I do this?

Well I talk about myself in the therapy room. I use an example of my own behaviour and then ask the client to give me a similar example.

What I start off saying is that I have a gift, a fantastic talent, a construct/quality that's a star amongst others...... I AM tactless!!! This always make my clients smile, as they were expecting the normal view of their world to be reinforced, them pathetic, me perfect! And suddenly they are seeing me in a new light.

I hold my arm out as far away as it will go holding my ability to be tactless. And say, for me to understand that I can be tactless I have to understand what tactful is, which I hold in my other hand, so an imaginary piece of string is between these two constructs. I then ask my clients to tell me where I am in relation to this piece of string, and the answer is in the middle.

I move on to another construct, usually my having a sense of humour, I hold it in the same hand as the tactlessness. I say that my opposite again has to be identified, as in having no humour. For me to know that I can make people laugh, or equally if you put me in front of a TV sitcom you won't see me raise a smile.

Again I ask where am I on my imaginary piece of string, and you've guessed it I'm in the middle.

I ask my client to tell me a quality/construct they have, inevitably it is a damaging one, say like stupid, and I ask them to do exactly what I've just done, to find the opposite and find where they are on the imaginary string.

What I open up in doing this is to facilitate looking at the list of imperfections that the non perfect person has and uses to beat themselves up with. ..... I'm stupid, selfish, horrible, ugly etc etc.The list is massively long sometimes and it is all one sided. So by introducing the idea of each construct having an opposite, and for the person to be stupid they have to understand that sometimes they are clever, opens up a completely new vision of how their world could be.

It is incredibly liberating for me to know that yes sometimes I'm so tactless I wish the earth would swallow me up. And sometimes I have to be amazingly tactful with difficult information about others. But that most of the time I bumble around in the middle, rarely actually going to either extreme. And this is true of all my constructs.

Suddenly doing this opens the door on the idea that no-one is perfect, we are just human, doing the best we can at any given moment. And sometimes we get it right and sometimes wrong, but we only ever do our best. It is other people who tell us were doing it wrong. And I'd question what right anyone else has to tell us what we should feel/ think. After all no-one told me what to have for breakfast this morning, so what right has anyone to tell me that I'm thinking wrong. My feelings and thoughts are mine and mine alone. I may have a commonality with others in that we all think we know what it feels, say to be sad. But rarely do we check out others feelings, we just make assumptions about what they think.

I would therefore like to suggest that we are all ourselves, and we are all perfect and imperfect, and in the middle of that particular piece of string, just like all the others. And we are doing the best we can, and if people could accept that about themselves they could stop beating themselves up for being less than bloody perfect.

Future

Today I took myself to the National Memorial Arboretum near Tamworth. I went to pay my respects, to see the names of the fallen since the Second World War.The names are engraved in April of the men and women of the forces who have died the previous year.
It was a place of peace, even though it's still being built around the periphery. There are memorials to all sorts of groups, from individual regiments, to groups like St Dunstans or TocH.

It made me think how else could I help my son, even though in the helping him runs the risk of his name being here.....
But honestly better there, than knifed in a fight, which is I think more likely than death in the forces right now.

Today I phoned the RAF up.
My son kept telling me they wouldn't have him now.
Not true, once he's been sentenced he has to go see them, and they will tell him how long he will have to wait as part of their rehabilitation programme before he can apply. He will not be long term be penalised by the RAF, once he has done whatever the courts dish out to him. They will accept him, obviously depending on all other things on his application being okay.
There is a future after all that is positive.
Thank God.

Picture is of a Memorial outside Ypress for the poet who fell there.

Walking at night

It was a cloudless night, the myriad of stars twinkled above them.
The breeze whispered through the trees, with just a hint of the weather to come.
It had been a hot and airless day, so this breeze was welcome to cool their hot bodies.
The poor dog had spent most of the day trying to find a place to escape the heat, but was now all a quiver with anticipation of the walk ahead.
The woman, was just pleased to be out, to escape herself for a moment, as these walks late at night needed all her concentration.
There were some lights at the start of the walk, but they dwindled out as they got closer to the open fields.
Plus the dog was a terror for trying to catch whatever wild life was about. And if the woman wasn't careful and missed the signs when the dog took off, she almost had her arm pulled out of it's socket, and she stumbled in a half run trying to get her footing and pull the dog back on the lead to a manageable distance from her.
But she knew exactly where she was walking, she'd been doing this walk with one dog or another for ten years now, so the dark held no fear for her.
More it held her in it's protective folds.
And she needed that so much at the moment, to feel safe and not so lost, and walking always restored her equilibrium.
The peace of one foot in front of another, the feel of her body, knowing that her shoulders were back and her spine was straight. It was a pleasure to feel her muscles taking the strain of her footsteps.
And even more to feel the strength in her arms when the dog saw a rabbit or fox that she tried to tear after. All of those years of Pilates had given her so much control, so that it was just her forearm taking the strain, and not that horrible sudden jarring when she wasn't paying attention and her socket suffered.
The owl hooted close by, she loved the sound, although as a child the owls cry had terrified her, and her Dad would have to open her bedroom window wide and clap his hands to startle the owl in the tree opposite away.
The road down to the woods, was tree lined itself, and it was here that was the most difficult for her and the most pleasure for the dog. Most nights they saw a couple of foxes, sometimes a badger, and always rabbits. She daren't let the dog off the her lead, she would have savaged anything she got hold of otherwise and that wasn't happening anytime soon as far as the woman was concerned.
They reached the open ground there was no-one else around, she sat down on the grassy bank, the dog unsure of what was going on settled beside her, as she lie down to look at the stars.
The nights that the meteor showers had happened had been clouded over, and this was an amazing clear night with thousands of stars for her to stare at. As she lay there eventually she was rewarded with the sight of shooting stars across the sky.
It made her feel part of something much bigger than she could ever know. Her recently troubled life ebbed away in the sight of so much sky, her soul became soothed. And her natural ability to get on with herself was reinstated.
She was starting to feel the damp of the grass through her clothes, so she and her dog meandered their way home, stopping every so often for the dog to sniff another interesting smell. But she was in no hurry. Life would do what life did, and she was just happy to be part of it still.

Another Sunday, another lifetime

Hopefully the world has moved on, and the front page on Wednesday is next weeks chip paper (newspaper used to be what was used to wrap around fish and chips to keep them warm when I was a child)

Whatever is going to happen will happen, whatever I think,feel or even do about it.

So Alex will go whichever route he's capable of going. Which since last weekend when strict boundaries were given by firstly, the police in arresting and charging him, and then by me in telling his the conditions of his continued residence in my house, he seems to have settled down a lot.

As for me, my house is awash with flowers, there are gladioli on the windowsill in the living room, there are yellow roses on the dining table, sunflowers in the kitchen, pale orange roses and carnations in my bedroom, which were a present a fortnight ago, and finally a fragrant bunch of sweet peas beside me on my desk, another present from a friend's garden to cheer me up.

And all of these flowers feature in the photographs that were taken of my house on Friday. My house is cleaned and tidied to within an inch, even Al's bedroom and his computer table! The only fly in the ointment is that dog has decided it's time for another moult!!! What that dog doesn't know is, that later this week she's getting a bath.... that'll sort her out, smelly hound.

I have felt held and cherished by all my friends this week. And I've been wonderfully surprised by the couple I go walking with, as they are not known for their tolerance and I went round for coffee. They had heard rumours about Alex so I told them all. I was fearing judgement, and they couldn't have been more supportive.

Unlike the rest of the neighbourhood, who are gossiping about me,my son and my dog at any opportunity they get. It's jolly difficult knowing that the people across the road and my next door neighbours (both sides) enjoy a good moan about my family at any given moment. I know this, as they are indiscriminate who they tell, and eventually it gets back to me.

So the For Sale sign going up in two weeks when all the paper work is complete, will give them a field day.....

And I can get on with the serious business of being obsessionally tidy in case someone wants to view..... Which of course having mild ( well I think it's mild, my sons think I've got it bad!)OCD is just a joy. And worrying also, about those people who want to view how I manoeuvre the dog around the house for them to see it all, but to also for them to retain all working limbs !!!

That said, the sort of tame wolf, sat on Trousers foot yesterday and demanded attention when we returned from walking, as in having her tummy stroked. So she has come a long way since January, but I can't be bothered to get her sorted for all viewers.....And I do have an expectation that I'm going to be inundated with them, well who wouldn't want to see round MY house!!!

So this Sunday unlike last is back to normal. I'm NOT crying and feeling lost at all. I'm sitting here avoiding the ironing instead....

Hope you like my blue theme of my pics. I do so enjoy changing them when I've thought of a theme.

The NHS is free

I have worked in the National Health Service (NHS) all my working life.
I have been a patient of the NHS all my life.

And I'm staring open mouthed at the TV news about some Americans attitude and ignorance to the changes that Barack Obama is trying to instigate.

So just to set the record straight, cause I'm angry at the lack of knowledge, this is what the NHS provides.

From the minute a woman thinks she is pregnant she can go and see her GP- General doctor who usually works out of a health centre. She will be referred to a Midwife that she will see in the same place. And she will be referred to her local Maternity unit under the care of a Consultant for her delivery. ALL THIS IS FREE.

Once the baby is born, the GP,midwife, and health visitor will all visit the mother and baby at home. The GP usually only once, the others as they are needed. ALL THIS IS FREE.

As the child develops, he/she has access to the health centre to see the doctor, for any childhood ailments. And if the child needs specialist care, from a physician to a psychiatrist they will be referred. ALL THIS IS FREE.

Throughout our lives here in the UK we have access to a GP as often as needed, the other people employed in a health centre, will be nurses, both inhouse and district nurses, who visit in people's homes. Counsellors in many surgeries across the country, all though services are sketchy in parts and well served in others. Chiropody, orthodontics, family planning, acupuncture are just some of the services that can be found in a large health centre. The nursing and counselling ARE FREE. The other services may may make a small charge depending on financial circumstances, in that anyone on benefits, WILL NOT PAY.

If a hospital referral is required to any specialist it is FREE. Where there is a charge is in very expensive IVF treatment.

Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy are FREE. Operations are FREE, admission on to the wards is FREE. Food in the hospital if an inpatient is FREE. Drugs on the whole are FREE.

Where the health service struggles, is that some of the new drugs coming on the market are very expensive and it does become a lottery to an extent. The same is true of ever advancing procedures that save lives. There is only a finite amount of money in any country for health care. And if it's your relative that needs that drug of course you will feel that you are not getting good enough care.

So it is a struggle sometimes to justify paying for one thing and not another of course. But we do not turn people away because they do not have the funds to pay.

No-one in the UK goes bankrupt trying to pay for medical care..... See Michel Moores film called Sicko to see what happens to normal Americans when they can no longer pay for their care.

It is not ideal, the UK health service, it is vile hanging round an emergency room on a Saturday night waiting for care. We do not have enough money for some services, or think to give to them. It is a top heavy bureaucracy. The resources required to keep the wards clean are not as good as they could be. But as a service for the population it works even if it creaks sometimes

But the people on the front line, those of us that work in it know that we are doing a valuable job, and we also know that if we need the care we can have it as well and IT WILL BE FREE, for all. Not just those with insurance, or those so poor that they are eligible for medi care. It is that group of middle Americans I feel for, those that look at needing care and because they don't have sufficient insurance don't get treated.

I think if anyone who is currently ranting about what Obama is actually saying would realise that,that is what he wants Americans to have. The right to have enough insurance to have their medical needs met.He is not proposing a health service like ours here.

But for anyone opposed to his policy, I ask you to ask yourself the question, who is going to pay for your treatment if you get ill. I know the answer if I ask it, and it's the NHS, and for that I'm grateful, even with it's faults. And I'm happy to pay my taxes so I can use the service as often as I need it ALL FOR FREE.

work

Today I went to work and all five clients turned up, which at this time of year is unusual.

I listened, I asked questions, I found answers, I offered a different view from the one they were stuck with.

And all the time I wanted to scream..... get a fucking life, stop being so bloody wet, think yourself lucky to have so little to worry about, stop being pathetic, go and annoy someone else, sod off and leave me alone.

But I didn't, I just did my job, forcing my mind to stay focused on their issues. Making myself not blurt out what was going on for me.

After all I've been here before when my own personal pain has been acute and I've carried on with my work. If for no other reason than, no work no pay. And I can't afford for that to happen.

So I've been a good therapist holding tight onto the reins of my humanity, not letting me out for an instance.

But I'm still here and I feel hollow and lost, and there is nothing I can do except let time pass.

PS......

It has been a frightful day. My emotions are all over the place.
Decisions have been made and conditions set.
It's up to my son now.
But despite the fact that all day I've been crying on and off, I have felt held and loved by my friends. Both those that I managed to send a circular email to and who have responded with such love and care back to me in their own particular ways, and the lovely people who have left comments here.
I am blessed
Thank you
love
mandy xx

trouble

I want the voices out of my head.
I want to escape myself
I want the pain to go away
And I'm just his mother.

How must he feel this son of mine.
The hope all gone and now just shame.
No wonder he sleeps, the reality sucks.

Yesterday I was filled with rightgeous awe
today he's my son, and I love him more
I can't make it better I wish I could.

To turn back the clock
To make it all go away.
to stop the chatter inside my head.

Oh I blame the man that walked away
without a backward glance
and left me alone to carry on

the same man that stopped paying for his son
when he reached 21
but wait, he still had another,
doesn't he count?

I hate you ex husband of mine
I hate you for the pain you've caused
I hate you
I hate
I

The hope of the future now has gone
The brochures promising a future
just laugh in my face,
should I throw them away before he awakes?

~~~~~~~~~~
Life has got very, very difficult suddenly, as you can see it relates to my son.
I'm feeling very alone right now.
And at this moment I'd give anything to have a partner to talk things over with, (even if it was a rotten relationship!)
My poor friends are putting up with a lot.
Life sucks right now, and we need time to help us find a way through it

trouble

Got troubles.....
Will be back in a few days
Don't worry if you don't get an email, I'll write when I can.
When the troubles have blown over and new decisions are sorted

The River Thames, London

I went on a boat trip on the River Thames yesterday with my friend Eve and these are some of the sights we saw.

This is the Houses of Parliament and St Stephens Tower, otherwise known as Big Ben. Which actually is the name of the bell inside the tower, and Westminster Bridge, taken from the opposite bank just before we went on a river cruise.



Canary Wharf in Docklands, now the financial district of London and where my eldest son works, although exactly where I haven't a clue!




The Maritime Museum at Greenwich, you can just make out the Observatory on the hill, where the Greenwich Meridian is and where time is measured.



The O2 building, formerly the Millennium dome, now making money as a concert venue. Michael Jackson should have played there.




The Thames Barrier, these domes have connecting underwater barriers that can be lifted to stop very high tides going up the Thames to so prevent flooding.



On last on the way back when the sun had gone for the day, the Tower Bridge. The very top is now reopened as a walkway as it's now being glassed in. It had to be closed to the public for years as it was such a suicide venue.




More words tomorrow, as I've had a magical time, but got up at 4am and now need a nap.

August........

I changed the page on the calender.

It was the sand dunes of Namibia, the warm balmy days of August.....
The sun warming tanned limbs as they stretch out on the grass.
The unplanned picnics with food to share.
The splashing of waves as the hit the shore
as the children run to catch one more



I looked out of the window at...
the new plants that need planting,
the clothes line sparkling with rain,
the swing seat that needs a book and me to lie on it,
the path that needs candles to light the way,
the table that needs a glass of wine and and friends to share,

and all I could see was the rain pouring down.



And even the dog's had enough,
not another walk in the rain.
Is this what she bargained for when she came to stay.
Another drenching, the third today