Sunday, 9 August 2009

trouble

I want the voices out of my head.
I want to escape myself
I want the pain to go away
And I'm just his mother.

How must he feel this son of mine.
The hope all gone and now just shame.
No wonder he sleeps, the reality sucks.

Yesterday I was filled with rightgeous awe
today he's my son, and I love him more
I can't make it better I wish I could.

To turn back the clock
To make it all go away.
to stop the chatter inside my head.

Oh I blame the man that walked away
without a backward glance
and left me alone to carry on

the same man that stopped paying for his son
when he reached 21
but wait, he still had another,
doesn't he count?

I hate you ex husband of mine
I hate you for the pain you've caused
I hate you
I hate
I

The hope of the future now has gone
The brochures promising a future
just laugh in my face,
should I throw them away before he awakes?

~~~~~~~~~~
Life has got very, very difficult suddenly, as you can see it relates to my son.
I'm feeling very alone right now.
And at this moment I'd give anything to have a partner to talk things over with, (even if it was a rotten relationship!)
My poor friends are putting up with a lot.
Life sucks right now, and we need time to help us find a way through it

14 comments:

speck of dust said...

It seems life is constant battle. I wish it wasn't so. Hope you find some resolution soon. x

Angela said...

I just wrote you a mail.

Linda - Gold Coast said...

Dearest FB, all I can do is send you lots of cyber ((((hugs))) and hope and pray that things will get much better for you. xxxx

karen said...

Oh no! Thinking of you all very much.. this was such a sad post. Hugs from Africa x

Lola said...

You have no idea how clear your words resonate with me, Mandy.

My heart is with you and your son. A fortunate man with a mother like you.

Ciao
Lola xx

Sage said...

{{hugs}} it might not mean much but you and son are in my thoughts

trousers said...

Thinking of you too, just give me a shout if you need to.

x

Angela Recada said...

This is heartbreaking and familiar to me. You are in my thoughts often, and I hope your son finds his way back soon.

Hugs,
Angela

Helen said...

I have been in a place that sounds very much like the place you are in right now. My horrors happened more than twenty years ago but I remember them as though they happened yesterday.

All I can share with you is that nothing remains static ... time (I know it's trite) will aid in the resolution of whatever is happening right now. Keep trying to sleep, eat and live day to day. So many people are supporting you ... please know that.

The words you used today to express your innermost feelings are some of the most heartfelt and honest I've ever read.

Paula said...

Just sent you a mail. Hugs to you.

nitebyrd said...

Please know that my thoughts are with you. I also have a son that gives me grief and worry. I'm here to listen, scream, cry with and to help anyway I possibly can.

My love and (((HUGS)) to you.

janis said...

Nat~
I dont know what you are going through, but please know that you are loved, even by us little Blog friends. Be strong.
You are in my prayers.

janis said...

I meant Firebyrd! Im sorry I called you Nat (It's been a longggg weekend for me!)

miss*R said...

((hugs)) xoxo