Monday, 31 August 2009
Memories and feelings
So with my new broom, or in my case a dog vacuuming Dyson I've cleaned the house ready for the New Year. It being a bank holiday of course the weather has been dull.
I won't say I've expunged my ghosts, it's much to early for that. But I am thinking with pleasure about my memories of David.
I've had a phone call from Alex in Spain, four out of the nine have got into some sort of trouble, but not Alex. I kept repeating, have you personally got into any trouble? He said not and then sent a text saying that I wasn't too worry as he was being the reponsible one. (......................??????)
I started the day with my mind flat and dreading the day. But as the day has gone on and I've done nice things with myself, like walk Trix, change beds, drink creamy coffee at the bottom of the garden, my mood has lifted.
It is one of those strange things about our minds that whatever the mood it won't stay for long. And as long as I hold onto that when the going is tough, then it makes it bearable.
The secret is to accept how the mood is and not deny it. As in the denial the mood takes on parasite like qualities and wraps itself around our souls, feeding off our fear. The fear that we will never be free of the vile feeling, the fear that life will always be tough or whatever else our mind says to itself.
I know what I need to do when the fear gremlin strikes, and that is paradoxically to welcome the feeling, in so doing I reduce it's power over me. And I will think of ways to beat it. Whether those are emotional, in watching a soppy movie to make me cry... It's a Wonderful Life, never fails! Or reading a safe and familiar book that will get me in touch with my inner pain. Or physical things that tire me out and make me vunlerable to letting go of the pain.
Obviously, sometimes the pain doesn't need any help as it is too raw, as now, and I have a choice of memories to hook into to allow me to feel. It is in situations like this sometimes the smallest sentence or thought that can spark off the pain.
When it does I let myself feel it in all it's rawness, as I know that allowing myself to experience these emotions is the only way to move on from them.
So at the moment I've been strong enough to take David's number off my phone and his email address from my computer. But not strong enough to read his emails. But they are there and I will read them before I let them go, when I'm strong enough to do that task.
And in the meantime I'll be alright with myself as I have no control over the way feelings flow in and out of my mind. I will just accept that they do, and that in so doing that is part of the human condition.
To counterbalance an excessive amount of thinking time, I've also been fixing up some social time, so I do get to talk, cry, have fun with others. And thereby remain as balanced as possible for anyone in the throws of a new grief situation.
All those adages,which drive me crazy, are there because they are true; time heals, life goes on, you have to move on, blah, blah, blah, I know they work, I don't deny it as I've had more grief in my life than is sensible to deal with. And this is just another one to deal with, this is the first friend I have lost.
And I will do as I always do, and accept I'm doing the best I can at any given moment, and in so doing will forgive myself for being mortal.