Monday, 31 August 2009

Memories and feelings


So with my new broom, or in my case a dog vacuuming Dyson I've cleaned the house ready for the New Year. It being a bank holiday of course the weather has been dull.
I won't say I've expunged my ghosts, it's much to early for that. But I am thinking with pleasure about my memories of David.

I've had a phone call from Alex in Spain, four out of the nine have got into some sort of trouble, but not Alex. I kept repeating, have you personally got into any trouble? He said not and then sent a text saying that I wasn't too worry as he was being the reponsible one. (......................??????)

I started the day with my mind flat and dreading the day. But as the day has gone on and I've done nice things with myself, like walk Trix, change beds, drink creamy coffee at the bottom of the garden, my mood has lifted.

It is one of those strange things about our minds that whatever the mood it won't stay for long. And as long as I hold onto that when the going is tough, then it makes it bearable.

The secret is to accept how the mood is and not deny it. As in the denial the mood takes on parasite like qualities and wraps itself around our souls, feeding off our fear. The fear that we will never be free of the vile feeling, the fear that life will always be tough or whatever else our mind says to itself.

I know what I need to do when the fear gremlin strikes, and that is paradoxically to welcome the feeling, in so doing I reduce it's power over me. And I will think of ways to beat it. Whether those are emotional, in watching a soppy movie to make me cry... It's a Wonderful Life, never fails! Or reading a safe and familiar book that will get me in touch with my inner pain. Or physical things that tire me out and make me vunlerable to letting go of the pain.

Obviously, sometimes the pain doesn't need any help as it is too raw, as now, and I have a choice of memories to hook into to allow me to feel. It is in situations like this sometimes the smallest sentence or thought that can spark off the pain.

When it does I let myself feel it in all it's rawness, as I know that allowing myself to experience these emotions is the only way to move on from them.
So at the moment I've been strong enough to take David's number off my phone and his email address from my computer. But not strong enough to read his emails. But they are there and I will read them before I let them go, when I'm strong enough to do that task.

And in the meantime I'll be alright with myself as I have no control over the way feelings flow in and out of my mind. I will just accept that they do, and that in so doing that is part of the human condition.

To counterbalance an excessive amount of thinking time, I've also been fixing up some social time, so I do get to talk, cry, have fun with others. And thereby remain as balanced as possible for anyone in the throws of a new grief situation.

All those adages,which drive me crazy, are there because they are true; time heals, life goes on, you have to move on, blah, blah, blah, I know they work, I don't deny it as I've had more grief in my life than is sensible to deal with. And this is just another one to deal with, this is the first friend I have lost.

And I will do as I always do, and accept I'm doing the best I can at any given moment, and in so doing will forgive myself for being mortal.

14 comments:

Helen said...

Hello there! Could you possibly have any concept of how 'healing' your posts are for so many others?

You personify strength ... in the most real form.

Merry ME said...

Everyone of your tree pictures speaks of hope and and strength. As you go through this trying time lean into the wind, let the sun dry your tears, and the moon you share with all your friends wrap you in love.

speck of dust said...

This post brings tears to me eyes and I'm really taken with how amazingly well you know yourself and know how to be with yourself in a time of grief. Thinking of you x and you can make jokes about the funky chicken too! X

Mel said...

(((((((((((( the byrdie )))))))))))

Cuz I can.

One of my greater battles is just allowing myself to just be where I am and let it look like it is.

It's that 'mortal' jazz.
That 'human being' jazz.
But you already know that......

Thinkin' of ya......

Paula said...

Oh Mandy I return to your blog over and over again to look at the trees and didnt even read your new post at all. I am so sorry. I know on some days it is easier to act according to our wisdom......
Plenty of hugs

nitebyrd said...

You truly are an amazing woman. (((hugs)))

Susan DeAngelis said...

you're post is very powerful -- soothing.

It touched me...
Hugs,
Sue

e said...

I just popped by to see how you're getting on...These friends here are right...you are amazing and you're sharing matters.

Sorrow said...

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Lori ann said...

Merry ME said it perfectly, take good care dear fB.
xoxo

miss*R said...

you are very right in sitting with the pain, I have been doing that over the past few days since my group disintegrated and I journalled.. and I am beginning to feel so much better.

won't try to give you any of those wise words.. just a big hug xoxo

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

What an incredibly wise and beautiful post, FireByrd. You are an inspiration!

karen said...

Glad that you are embracing the new year, your words on grief, love and healing are very inspirational, as are the photos on the side bar. African hugs x

Pam said...

"...doing the best I can at any given moment". Mandy you are inspirational, working through the vulnerability of raw emotions.Tackling the fear gremlins head on.I am sorry for your recent loss.You are one brave and outstanding woman.Sending you buckets of strength and love, and a big hug for Trix.Take care,thank you for your recent visit and comment,and enjoy that garden. xxx