Green leaves and dew drops

Oh it's so reassuring to know that I'm not alone in my addiction and that most of you are as batty as me!!!

After I'd given myself that talking to, I achieved a lot yesterday, including getting my paperwork up to date. So today I finally got round to buying a shredder, as I've been living with the optimistic view that no-one wants my bank details!!!

I also bought two frames to put my presents to me in them. My wonderful friend Picsie Chick - I want to see too - ( sorry useless at links, but on my blog roll) takes the most wonderful photographs. And I've been a big fan for a couple of years. Every day not only does she post them up, but they are delivered in a morning email. It has been an absolute joy to get a photo every day to start my morning with. And I have an obsession with her water photos. Plus the day after, what I consider to be her best water shot, came this back lit dandelion head. I couldn't resist them so now I'm the very proud owner of these two wonderful pictures.

Which got me thinking about other things that do it for me. One of my passions is driving down roads under a canopy of trees. Every Friday on my way to Pilates I go under an archway of green coming out of Prestbury. There is a really long stretch of road on the way to Porthmadoc in Wales coming from Beddlegert that takes my breath away. But most importantly there is a place called Bovey Straight, this is the road into Bovey from the A38, and I think one of the more esoteric reasons I want to live there is, to be able to go back and forth down this tree covered road.It makes me smile with joy, especially in it's greenery, but it's still wonderful in winter.

I love when walking Trix in the grounds across the road, going under the awning of the Yew trees there. They feel like a magical den where we're safe, especially when it's raining, as it stays quite dry under the Yews.

The last couple of years in my garden I've been growing a Russian Vine over the wooden thing at the bottom of the garden. And this year it's really come into it's own as a roof covering. Every time a new tendril has hung down I've climbed on a chair (health and safety not being observed here at all!!!) to train it over the beams so I've created a lovely green sanctuary that is a joy to sit under when it is raining gently, as it's not waterproof for long.

Of course there a million and one things that make my heart sing, but looking at my green picture above my computer just takes me to these few for now. And I better stop or I could go on for a very long time......

Addict needs help!!! HAHAHA!!! self help more like!

Honestly there are some days when I want to put myself in a cupboard and shut the door, so as I don't have to listen to myself anymore. I'm beginning to really annoy myself. I'd like to have a couple of hours break from my mind.
And what's really annoying is, that if I just wasn't feeling so indolent and did something I'd have that break.

It is easier to wander round feeling hard done to than do a big chore like clean the windows, which are filthy. And I'm doing such a fine job in sabotaging myself, as in it will rain again soon, what's the point?

So my head is full of miserable stuff, I woke up feeling it and I know that if I don't sort myself out it will get progressively worse during the day, till I feel like a caged animal.

By bringing it here I'm hopefully going to shame myself into doing something.
Something that will use up some physical energy and I'll have something clean to admire when I'm done.

There is no point in allowing myself to wallow in this mire. There are things I cannot do anything about. So to just wait for them to happen is very counter productive.

Just because I'm here at home, with no plans to see anyone does not mean that I should go into Poor Me. But it's oh so tempting.....

AAARRRGGGHHHH!

It does feel sometimes increasingly difficult to motivate myself, and I partly blame this on this machine. I have chores to do, I have lovely books to read, I have a book to write, I have food to cook, I have lots of everything, and yet, and yet, I still hook into sitting in front of this hoping that someone has passed by my way since I last looked ten minutes earlier.....

This is just a plain addiction pure and simple. Mainly cause I have such wonderful email friends, but even they are only going to pass by my door once a day at most, and I know that, and know that I do the same with them. But I'm still dependant on checking.

Once upon a time in the days before computers I had shopping! I was always out mooching round the shops, whether I bought anything or not, didn't matter. It was the joy of looking. This activity bores me rigid nowadays.

Of course I can only be completely grateful that my addictions in life are not too damaging!!

I have to argue with myself not to come here. I do deals, right do this, and then you can look etc. And I know that this need to gobble up all my emails is never satisfied. And I know that has nothing to do with the wonderful people who write to me. And that it's all to do with my needs.

My need not to have to face myself. And yet I'm really good at doing that, hence writing this. Cause this will be another insight made fact by writing it down, that I can no longer ignore.

It is okay to feel empty, it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel trapped and waiting.

But what is important is to not let that negativity rule my life. Yep, I can feel it, and have it sloshing round me for a while. But I cannot, and will not let it stay there building up inside me into a feeling of self hate. I've worked too hard to let that take me over.

All of which means that I will be disciplined today, I will do some chores that I know will feel great when they are done, in that wonderful self satisfied way that hard graft gives you. And that they will have moved my Poor Me back into the cupboard for a while. Then next time it escapes I'll do it all again.

So excuse me but I've got things to do, no don't hold me back, they need doing. And yes I will carry on my addictive checking, but maybe I can be strong enough to make it hourly.... HAHAHA!!!!

Restless

All the photos on my side bar are from my wonderful walk last Thursday from Dartmouth Castle on the coastal path.

Needless to say now I'm back I'm extremely restless.

When I was in Devon this time I had to resist three things, all things I wanted to do by myself, and all things that the time is not quite right for yet. And I almost feel that if I do them too soon that my dream won't come true. I have to pace myself. It has to be done step by step, and this visit is probably the last that I will just be visiting and not working towards moving.

I wanted to go to the sea by myself and walk along the beach in the early morning or evening. I wanted to get on a river cruiser and go up the River Dart. And I wanted to go and look round the couple of houses that I saw for sale that appealed to me.

I was more than happy to do things with my friends though. So on Thursday as already stated was the walk and then lunch in Dartmouth. On Friday J and I hit the shops in Exeter and had a lovely ladies who lunch time.

On Saturday I went to my other friends, and the first thing we did was go for a walk on Exmouth beach and I went paddling.... it was very cold water. She then led me astray by taking me to the cider bar in Newton Abbott. This is where scrumpy cider is sold straight from the barrel. I drank a pint and a half and eat a massive cheese and onion baguette to try and soak it up. Which didn't work at all and I just got very giggly.

Going back to her house for a BBQ, included wasting time going through every one's name we knew on the friends reunited site, whilst drinking cocktails. Followed by champagne to accompany the hotdogs!! making me a tad fragile come Sunday morning.

So it was back to other friends, and a walk in the pouring rain by the River Bovey, before the world's best Sunday lunch. In that it takes several hours to have each course with a nap between and a lot of champagne.

Monday morning dawned with bright sunlight, for me to drive home.

One, if not the best thing that happened was a conversation with J at lunch on Friday, when she told me for the first time she was really looking forward to me, not only coming down to Devon, but hoping to live in the same town. And what that would mean to her. I've been concerned that she might have felt a bit swamped with my plans. Or that she was concerned that I would be too needy when I get there. So to hear her views was wonderfully reassuring.

But now I'm home and although I've got good things booked and of course my house is a lovely one, I keep thinking about that walk on the beach, and the other things I so want to do.

Since coming home I've been to work, listened and talked to people about them. Tried to have conversations with Alex in the rare five minutes he pops in and out of the house which are always about him. And not said a word to anyone else except Trix, and her conversations skills aren't great!

I know it really won't be that long before all this changes. And that time flies, but also that an hour can sometimes last forever!

The coastal path around Devon, or at least a bit of it!

The view of Bovey Tracey at 6am



The mouth of the River Dart from the ferry from Dartmouth Castle to Dartmouth going for crab sandwiches, at what turns out to be my local. In that I go to the Cherub more than any other pub, it just happens to be 200 miles from where I live!!!!



Views from the coastal path from Dartmouth and around the headland




The River Dart from St Petroc's Churchyard.



As ever I had a magical time and am now sad to be back home.
I'll write more later but got a lot of chores to do now, and need feeding!

WHAT.... AWAY AGAIN!!

I know to some it might seem excessive but I'm away again tomorrow, when I only got back from my last trip on the 1st of the month.
And what's more when I return from Devon next week I'm around for a week and then I'm going to London for three nights.The first one staying with my eldest son, which just makes me feel warm inside at the thought, and the other two with my beloved American friend Eve in a hotel on the Cromwell Rd in Kensington.
After that I've been invited to go for a midweek trip with my sister to her log cabin in Anglesea(Wales) in late August. Which will the first time I've visited with her there, and apparently includes a spa day..... oh yes!
Which takes me nicely to a weekend in Berlin with my gorgeous niece and then sending her home, I go catch a train up to almost the Baltic sea to meet Angela and stay with her in Usedom till the end of the week.

This year has been a difficult one to be at home. And one that I promised my son I'd stay here for. My home is lovely, but it is lonely. Although my youngest son is still at home he's never here. And as you know I no longer have many friends in this town. So life is very much about being okay alone. Which for a great deal of the time I am. But I'm not going to throw up the opportunity to go visiting.

I would rather spend my money on petrol or plane tickets than most things!
To know that tomorrow I can be sitting in J&D's home on the edge of Dartmoor, with a view to go on a serious walk with D on Thursday, when J is at work is just so wonderful. I aim to go paddling if not swimming in the Devon sea at some point, it will be bloody cold as all British sea is, but it's the summer and rain is warming on the water and I'm tough!!

Just to be able to talk and talk and be accepted for me without criticism, which is what I get from my intolerant teenage son is so beguiling. And even though I have that from emails there is something different about real conversation. To be able to use all the nuances of words and gestures.

There is nothing better than good food,chilled wine, good conversation and love.

So please forgive me if I don't email you till next week. You will be in my thoughts, but for a few days I'll be talking out loud instead of on a computer.

BLOGGING IS WHERE YOU FIND FRIENDS

Last night I went to a swishing party (clothes swap) and I realised this morning, as I've reflected on what happened how out of kilter I am with people round here. Now I know this is nothing new, it's an old theme.

But last night was one of those nights when I tried to be part of a social group, and I failed miserably, but was also a resounding success as I have my own way to cope.

First of all I realise I'm a clothes snob, I'd taken decent clothing, the sort I'd love to have chosen, and all the clothes there without fail were the cheap end of the market. Yet the women who brought them weren't,they were all dressed beautifully with designer bits and bobs about themselves.

I looked at the clothes and wouldn't have given any of them house room, so decided that I didn't have to play. This meant that as everyone else was having a lovely time trying stuff on I was wandering around not part of any group smiling and nodding in all the right places.

I watched women, get secretive and greedy as they fell upon something they liked and hid it from everyone else, to ensure that they would get it in the end. I didn't like seeing this, but I realised that if I'd seen anything I'd actually liked I'd have done the same. That is not a nice thought. It shocked me with the knowledge that I was capable of such underhand behaviour. But also because I wasn't part of it I watched with a fascinated horror. Bit like being the only sober person around a group of drunks, and knowing how isolated that can feel like.

Eventually when everyone more or less had got what they wanted everyone got down to the business of talking to each other. The room divided into two groups as people were from two different towns. I only knew the hostess and she, of course knew everyone. I knew that when this part of the evening came I'd be useless, so I took my secret weapon with me.... My Tarot cards, and lost myself in doing readings.

When I finally emerged there were only a handful of people left. They wanted me to stay, but my ability to be sociable in a crowd is non existent, so I ran away home and took Trix for a walk instead.

Don't get me wrong these women were all lovely, and if I had the ability to make the right sort of chat, then I would have been part of the group. I just can't do it though. I am the person in the kitchen at parties. That crippling shyness I had as a teenager has been conquered everywhere except social gatherings. If you met me you'd never believe I had a shy bone in my body, I breeze about with assertion and confidence, until.....

And this moved my thinking on to here....
My blog roll is made up of 28 names, of those 1 person figures twice. There are also three private blogs I read. So 30 people, of those, I knew 1 before started blogging, and I have become friends with 6 others in real life. I email 15 people, two of whom I either know I'll meet in the future, one planned for September and the other likely if she moves to Dublin. And there only 8 people who I just know through comments. There are also 4 other people who don't blog anymore that I've also met and stayed with, two of them were lovers. The first man set my blog up and the second I met through blogging. And 1 person who doesn't as yet have a blog, but has emailed me a lot recently

And to be honest this is the place outside of a few very strong friendships I feel safest. This is the place where I bring my worries and my pain, my joy and highs in life. My friends here are the people I never feel judged by who accept me unconditionally.

In the last couple of weeks when I've been feeling so exhausted and worn out it has been the emails from my friends here that have kept me smiling. I feel utterly privileged to have you all as friends.

I love that there are two extremely strong women in Germany, who tell me off if I don't tell them how I am. I can't wait to meet both of them. It is wondrous to me that there are two women in Africa who want to know about me... can't wait for November. That in California a gorgeous blonde sent me a present just cause. Australia has another two amazing women who I love having in my life.

Then there are the three people who I'd have never met if it wasn't for here, who I know are going to be life long friends. One of whom I will only ever see once a year, if we are lucky, but who I have such a spiritual connection with that it can't be broken. Or the wonderful American in Paris, oops Liverpool, who once we get together we can't stop talking. Or the lone man in all of this, I can't tell you what a wonderful friend Trousers is to me, but I am lucky that he is.

All of this thinking made me realise that the post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, about being odd, which I wrote as my friend was upset by being called it, really is true about me. And I suspect a lot of you. I don't think we fit into the conventional model of being able to mix at cocktail parties talking utter gibberish just to fill a space in the air. That's not to say any of us couldn't do it, of course we could, we are all gifted and talented people.

What is more important to us is that we can talk in depth about who we are, and what we stand for, knowing that the people who read us by and large, actually get us when we do. So we are free here to expose our vulnerabilities, knowing that we are safe and being held by people who may never get to meet us, but who care enough to leave a loving stroke by way of a comment. So that we can be frightened here, but know that whatever the feeling is that others have for us here, that we will be cherished.

Me,I think it's love... I am happy to own that those people on my blog roll are people I care deeply about, worry about, smile with, cry with, want to help, and if that's not love then I don't know what is.

So I want to say thank you to all of you for being there for me in all the 275 posts I've written in the last couple of years (it's no wonder I think I've run out of things to say!!!). You make my world rock.

And of course why would anyone in their right mind want to stop doing something so amazingly wonderful as, getting strokes/emails/love/whatever in their world.
So I guess this means, I'm back!!!

NOTHING TO SAY, FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG?

Four pics taken last week to entertain you whilst I have a break from here.
Haven't anything to say, except to talk about my health and that's boring.
Don't know if I'll come back or not, I guess depends on if I find anything to say that doesn't feel annoying to me as I write it.

But the people who know me by email will still be getting them!! No escape for you then....

And if you want to write to me and don't know the address try..... pradapixie@hotmail.co.uk and I'll get back to you.





The view from my bed



River Dove in full spate after the rain last week



The Roaches from the playing field where I walk my dog



The landscape between Buxton and Leek over towards Earl Sterndale

MAKING HOUSE

A friend visited me for lunch yesterday and ended up staying overnight. She arrived in her camper van as I was the first stop on her adventure out.
So yesterday afternoon we went for an explore round the lanes into the hills. She'd never been to this part of the world before and like everyone else who comes here was made speechless at the beauty of the place.
Whilst she was admiring the views I was lost in my little world of her cozy home.
I just loved that behind our two seats was a sofa that became a bed, a sink,fridge and cooker unit that was opposite her shower and toilet. And all just tall enough for us to stand up in.

I have always loved making house, whether making home made dens out of old sheets when I was a child in my bedroom. Which when done would then have the contents put in order, a place for the bed, a place for my teddies and a place for my imaginary cooking stuff, it was all sorted out so neatly and compartmentalised. To sorting out things on boating holidays or caravans as a young woman. I adored reading books by Enid Blyton as a child when the heroes of the stories all set up home whether in a trees or a gypsy caravan.

To me the idea of having little cupboards with just the right amount of china,pots and pans is a joy. Having supplies in the fridge and water to boil the kettle is just bliss. To have a miniature home with everything one needs for an adventure is so enticing. To have had as one holiday as a child a bed in a cupboard (in a caravan)was absolute heaven.

I have only once been on a holiday in a Winnebago. The boys were 6 and 18 months old and it was the last week of our summer spent in San Fransisco. Kit and his dad went off to pick up our holiday transport whilst I sorted out food and clothes for us all.
When this machine turned up I couldn't believe it.
Opening the side door there was a table and two bench seats in front of me.To the one side was the galley with shower opposite. A door opened into the double bedroom with windows on either side. I was in heaven unpacking everything.
Fortunately as Alex was so young and still in a travel cot, there was no argument about which bed Kit was getting, he had the bed high above the driving cab.
Kit and I loved it, the neat hidey holes to store our belongings, the shelves to put teddies and books around his high up bed. My tiny wardrobe to store my clothes.

I never realised that Kit has my love of making house until he left to go to uni.
The first day we got there I left him surrounded by his belongings, and when I went back two weeks later his room and been turned into a cozy and safe home. He'd bought, pictures and rugs to cover the walls and furniture. He'd arranged the furniture so as to make the most of the space. In fact he did this in all three rooms he spent time in at Cambridge. Which probably goes someway to explain why all his friends he made there congregated in his room as the hub of their world. And why he now lives in London with two of them and is still the person who makes house around them!

So now I want a camper van!! but as that's not going to happen maybe I just need to spend some time doing a bit of re- organising here which will make me enjoy this house again, at least till I get to start anew in another place.

~~~~
If you look carefully at the pic at the top you might spot the heron standing next to the tree, seen when walking on Wednesday

THE NEW BLACK

Sometimes it is so difficult to know what to write about here. There is both a lot and nothing happening in my life simultaneously.

Now I know that is a double dutch statement, and what I mean by it is, life is filled with a great deal of stress courtesy of my youngest son. Who, when I could take it no more, had the riot read to him at 3am the other morning. Which seems to have shaken him out of his current miasma. Maybe it was my threat to kick him out of my house if he didn't get his act together. Who knows, all I know is right this minute today he's a lot more on track than of recent weeks.

Added to that my health is not up to par right now, I am extremely bone weary and exhausted, which I think is not only stress related, but also to my thyroid levels needing adjusting again. And I've got a problem with my hearing

So these two things are preoccupying me, and at the same time life is ticking along in it's own quiet rhythm, as in work and walking and paying bills and getting food and all the other stuff that goes on in every one's life.

Which means that tomorrow, I can take some time out to gather myself and be kind, if not self indulgent to me! OK there are some errands to run, but they are not going to be done until I have had a leisurely breakfast and a long bath. Then when the chores are done I'm going to sit and read and quite possibly, cause I can, paint my nails red!

I will, if I have the energy write to my friends, and if I haven't the energy I won't and I will not beat myself up either way. I will accept that my energy levels being low are not a sign of my imagined laziness or because I'm not a good enough friend.

If I am to enjoy going out to lunch on Friday with the gorgeous and glamorous Wake- up then I need to look after myself on Thursday. And the same will go for Saturday when an old friend is coming past in her camper van and stopping by for lunch.

So in writing this I'm making a promise to myself, not to beat myself up with guilt because I've hooked into some imagined role I have to fulfill as a friend. A role where I bounce around like Tigger on speed, when at the moment I'm more Eeyoreish, not in the depressed sense, just in terms of being a bit slow and laborious in making any effort.

It took me over two hours to read and comment on my blog roll tonight and that doesn't include the ones that are private that I haven't got round to yet.

All in all it's just as well as my new addiction is iced coffee, which I'm making jugs and jugs of, cause if it wasn't for that,I think I'd have come to a complete stop!!!

Being kind to myself then, is the new black and I heartily recommend it as a way forward.

THE STUFF OF WORRY

There was a post here. It was self indulgent twaddle so it's gone.
There might be more later but right now the rain's stopped and Trix needs a walk.

GOT NO WORDS LEFT RIGHT NOW!

Just a note to say sorry for not getting round people's blogs and leaving a comment.
It is something I want to do. But since getting back I've been a bit overwhelmed with a situation at home that's been very difficult. Plus I'm still jet lagged, which means I'm sleeping even less than usual so I feel exhausted and need my energy for work tomorrow. So please know that as soon as I'm able I will stop by, and I'm not deliberately ignoring all my friends.
I don't even have the energy to write a post either, so it must be bad as I'm never usually lost for words!!!
Hopefully normal service will be resumed later in the week.
xx

The picture is the view of the Roaches from the wild flower meadow near my house.

BRUNCH AND THE PORCH!!!!!

Having Brunch on the Mosula last Sunday, mimosa's and bacon fab!



The porch steps in the sunshine with the sweet gum tree overhanging the steps.



The porch from the front garden/yard.



The Mosula , fantastic ship permantently moored on the Delaware River in Philadelphia, just down from Penn's Landing, now a fantastic restuarant. First visited three years ago so time for a return trip.



The skyscrapers of Philadelphia from the deck.

PS. All the new pictures on my sidebar are my garden when I got home.