Thursday, 30 July 2009

Addict needs help!!! HAHAHA!!! self help more like!

Honestly there are some days when I want to put myself in a cupboard and shut the door, so as I don't have to listen to myself anymore. I'm beginning to really annoy myself. I'd like to have a couple of hours break from my mind.
And what's really annoying is, that if I just wasn't feeling so indolent and did something I'd have that break.

It is easier to wander round feeling hard done to than do a big chore like clean the windows, which are filthy. And I'm doing such a fine job in sabotaging myself, as in it will rain again soon, what's the point?

So my head is full of miserable stuff, I woke up feeling it and I know that if I don't sort myself out it will get progressively worse during the day, till I feel like a caged animal.

By bringing it here I'm hopefully going to shame myself into doing something.
Something that will use up some physical energy and I'll have something clean to admire when I'm done.

There is no point in allowing myself to wallow in this mire. There are things I cannot do anything about. So to just wait for them to happen is very counter productive.

Just because I'm here at home, with no plans to see anyone does not mean that I should go into Poor Me. But it's oh so tempting.....


It does feel sometimes increasingly difficult to motivate myself, and I partly blame this on this machine. I have chores to do, I have lovely books to read, I have a book to write, I have food to cook, I have lots of everything, and yet, and yet, I still hook into sitting in front of this hoping that someone has passed by my way since I last looked ten minutes earlier.....

This is just a plain addiction pure and simple. Mainly cause I have such wonderful email friends, but even they are only going to pass by my door once a day at most, and I know that, and know that I do the same with them. But I'm still dependant on checking.

Once upon a time in the days before computers I had shopping! I was always out mooching round the shops, whether I bought anything or not, didn't matter. It was the joy of looking. This activity bores me rigid nowadays.

Of course I can only be completely grateful that my addictions in life are not too damaging!!

I have to argue with myself not to come here. I do deals, right do this, and then you can look etc. And I know that this need to gobble up all my emails is never satisfied. And I know that has nothing to do with the wonderful people who write to me. And that it's all to do with my needs.

My need not to have to face myself. And yet I'm really good at doing that, hence writing this. Cause this will be another insight made fact by writing it down, that I can no longer ignore.

It is okay to feel empty, it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel trapped and waiting.

But what is important is to not let that negativity rule my life. Yep, I can feel it, and have it sloshing round me for a while. But I cannot, and will not let it stay there building up inside me into a feeling of self hate. I've worked too hard to let that take me over.

All of which means that I will be disciplined today, I will do some chores that I know will feel great when they are done, in that wonderful self satisfied way that hard graft gives you. And that they will have moved my Poor Me back into the cupboard for a while. Then next time it escapes I'll do it all again.

So excuse me but I've got things to do, no don't hold me back, they need doing. And yes I will carry on my addictive checking, but maybe I can be strong enough to make it hourly.... HAHAHA!!!!


BenefitScroungingScum said...

Well, by the next time you check I'll have already gone having been by to say hello!
BG x x

Paula said...

Showing some love :-)))
actually I am just writing a mail to you.

Gin said...

I know how you feel. I work in the mornings at an office and I have such a hard time getting things done sometimes because I am anxious to keep-up with blogs and check mine. I make deals with myself too. I think I should start attending AA for this addiction. I don't think they have a Bloggers Anonymous, do they?

Angela said...

Dear Mandy, I wrote you a mail last night. And I got your pictures back. So we ARE in touch! Don`t worry if I`m not writing again today, I`m still thinking of you!

Fire Byrd said...

Angela, I'm not having a go at anyone who cares enough to write to me at all, wherever they write. I'm just annoyed with myself nothing more.

Angela Recada said...

Yup. I understand your addiction all too well, as I am here, bright and early, checking the internet when I have so many other things that need to be done. The anticipation is always great, the reality is a short burst of satisfaction, and the result is still usually an empty feeling that something is still missing. It's never enough.

Sometimes (but only sometimes) I envy my mother who still enjoys extreme satisfaction from a floor well-cleaned or a newly gleaming window. That's never worked for me.

Maybe it's because we have too much available to us, yet it's still never enough. People who have less and live simply seem to be happier, until they see what they've been missing, that is. Do you know what I mean? OK . . . sometimes I think too much.

Wishing you well, and thinking of you (in boring old Wisconsin),
Angela #2

karen said...

Oh wow, I hope that you managed to motivate yourself into getting all those unpleasant tasks done! I can relate to the electronic addiction, and I have to really try hard to keep mine in check! x

Merry ME said...

And I thought it was just me! Thanks Bryd for opening up my closet door and letting me peek out! Who knew there were so many blogoholics out there?

Even in the middle of vacuuming the house, I'll stop a few times to see if perhaps someone has sent me an urgent message that simply must be answered that very minute - or written a new post on their blog.

For ME, it's a connection. I'm just not sure why I've opted for a cyberspace connection rather than a tangible one. That will probably take work and for right now I'm okay with the way things are. Thank goodness for others who understand!

trousers said...

Oh I know all those patterns of thought all too well, and you voice them very well too.

As far as addictions go - I'm away on holiday, and here I am checking blogs (though I have just got back from a 6 hour walk...)


*goes to hide* :)


lakeviewer said...

Oh fooyee! Chores can wait.
We are experiencing a human connection with blogging that is entirely dependent on communication, on sharing, on learning across cultures and time zones.

We're on the cusp of a major communication revolution. Imagine back in the 12th century, when the only people from outside were the knights back from a crusade and the castle entertainers traveling from court to court. What did they talk about? Their travels, their findings, their lives on the road, the latest fashions, the food and art they encountered.

We are doing the same thing on a grand scale;by sharing, we grow more curious, hoping for more information, more connections, more ideas.

Angela Recada said...

Yes, I will always have cakes or scones or something else yummy, sweet and good for the soul!

Pam said...

Hi Byrdie!! I've taken a leaf out of your book and am off somewhere different this weekend. Thanks to you I thought I needed to make some plans to get away, if only for a couple of days. Check your comments woman. It's fine. Doesn't hurt anybody, doesn't break the bank and its fun. I LOVE to see what the blog fairy has left! Leave the windows.Visit me. You hear?? xxxxxx

Picsie Chick said...

Glad I popped in to see this! I'm totally addicted to Facebook and Email. In fact, waking up in the middle of the night to let dogs out and do the usuals, I'll often check email. And thanks to your being on the other side of the world, that's when I usually get to see the ones from you!

Please keep them coming! And keep blogging! I love knowing that I'm on alone with my neuroses.

Hugs and butterflies,

Lori ann said...

hahaha! i am laughing with you mandy, i'm sure we've all been there. i hope you find your motivation for those chores, and if not skip them! if computering makes you happy then i think why not!

your blog looks very pretty with all your seaside photos up ☺

miss*R said...

I am exactly the same.. I even refresh the email page to see if anyone has passed my way.. why? or should I say wtf???

it takes me so much effort to turn the damn computer off but once it is done, I seem to start functioning again.. but then, I hurriedly do what I am supposed to do.. turn the damn thing back on to see if there is an email.. it is an addiction and my house is way out of order.. I tell myself it is ok cause it is winter.. I am even on facebook sometimes at 5am...
maybe we need to support each other through this, cause I certainly need help..

Mel said...


Oh, what a familiar thought process.....

Smacks of "I don't WANNA be responsible and you can't make me!"

For me, it's more avoidance. *sigh* I 'get' to be responsible, day in day out, for a bazillion things.
I don't wanna HAFFTA be responsible all the freaking time. LOL

Besides....dirty windows are the sign of a busy person living life.....right? *laughing* That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Off to be responsible!!!!