ONE OF THOSE CIRCULARS

I get sent lots of these lovely word circulars. I don't like them when they ask me to send them on, as I feel trapped. And I make a decision to send them only if they touch me. Recently there have been some lovely ones circulating. Maybe it's a way that the world is reaching out to touch others.

We don't always get to feel held and touched, and I know that's something I miss. And when I get one of these I do feel held for a moment in someone's thoughts and care, and I love that.

As a substitute hug, works every time. I love how they make the tears prick behind my eyelids as they they get me to reach a place inside, that maybe I hadn't been for a while.

As in truth, despite all my wise words I do spend a fair amount of time being lonely where I live. I don't see that many people where I live, my friends live a distance away. My youngest son does give me hugs occasionally, but I don't get much physical contact, which is difficult to do without. So when one of these turn up I let the love from them wash over me and hold me tight for a while, and that works for me.

So although I am a happy person and enjoy my life, that person hanging around my life who wants to hug me as much, as I want to hug back is something I yearn for. Of course this itch has got scratched right now with the appearance of the very gorgeous Trix, who will put up with no end of hugging..... YAH for Trix!

To celebrate one of these thoughtful circulars I thought I'd put it here, so that my email list get a breather! And for those of you who do not email me (and why not?) it applies to you all too.

So with lots of love from me to you my dear friends:

Gin and Tonic

This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it's 100% true.


1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.


2. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.


3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.


4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't
like you.


5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.


6. You mean the world to someone.


7. You are special and unique.


8.. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.


9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.


10. When you think the world has
turned its back on you, take another look.


11. Always remember the compliments you received..
Forget about the rude remarks.


And always remember.....
When life hands you lemons,
Ask for Gin and tonic and call me over!!


Good friends are like stars.....
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.


'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway.'


I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone.


Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But only faith keeps you going.

TRANQUILITY VERSUS STRESS

For the last few days I've been overwhelmed with stress and chaos for two reasons.
The first is 'that dog'

She is lovely when just with us, but every time someone comes round she barks her head off and is more ferocious than I would like. Even though she actually is doing nothing more than sitting next to me barking. I start off holding her choke chain whilst she calms down and then slowly let her go so she goes and sniffs whomever is sitting in the room.

What it's proving to me is how fragile my state of mind is at the moment.What I know of her I trust. I know she would defend me. I know she trusts me. But what I have to remember is she is a rescue dog whose history I don't know. And she is an Alsatian.
Both of which can make it uneasy at times when I have to be top dog by making sure she knows I'm boss.

So I'm going along feeling I've got her measure when suddenly something twitches her and she is not the dog I've assumed she is. So far nothing has been totally unmanageable. And I'm not living in a state of fear at all. Just when whatever happens,happens it makes the adrenalin zoom round my body at great speed and takes time to regain my equilibrium.

Added to that on Sunday I went on a training course for yet another part time job, bringing my job total to 5! This is a job doing network referrals, and means I have to find people who are prepared to talk to me for me to interest them in what I have to sell. Because it's network that means I have to start with people I know. And you'd think talking to my friends would be easy, but it is quite daunting. And I have to remind myself that it is the product they are not interested in and not me!

So the combination of these things is making me feel a bit wappy.

Thank goodness for walking that's all I can say cause I think that is what is between me and insanity at the moment.So to help hopefully soothe you here are a couple from today's walk, again in the Goyt Valley on a day when there was no air movement and the water was completely still.And the sense of peace and tranquility was awesome.

Hopefully as the days go on the chaos will recede and I can get my brain back and write the stuff I really enjoy.

I have to admit to a serious addiction and that's checking where people have come from to visit me... now I have loads of viewers in America and the UK, some in Africa and Australia and many European places..... but now I have been looked at by someone in Moscow and Shanghai, and a couple of the Arabic countries. I would so like to know who you all were.... do you feel you could tell me? But regardless of knowing who these people are isn't it amazing how the internet brings us the world.

25 MILES IN ONE WEEK

I worked out that from last Sunday to this, I have walked 25 miles!!! Not all of it with Trixie though, as she is under doctors orders for small gentle walks whilst her sprain gets better. This has meant that she has a mere four walks a day, amounting to 2 miles a day. So I did a 5 mile walk on Wednesday with friends. And yesterday with my good friend Trousers, we walked almost 10!

We went round Fernilee reservoir, it was 4 miles. It was a beautiful day and we weren't tired, so it seemed perfectly sane to walk around the other reservoir next to it, Eerwood is almost 6 miles. The two together supply a great deal of the drinking water in Manchester. It had seemed such a good idea eating our lunch in the sunshine to do the other 6!!!!

After we'd done, Trousers came back to meet Miss Trix. She is utterly devoted to Alex and I, but doesn't rate strangers too highly as yet. So we've evolved a way to get them in the same room as her, at which point she barks in a fairly half hearted way so as to make a point, whilst being held my me or Al. Then when she's finished and is calm we let her go to whomever is in the room. The secret though is not to look her in the eye..... Something Trousers learnt, cause she barks ballistically then.

But considering she has only been here a week she is doing amazingly well. I even took her for a drive in my car.... a two seater convertible, she was fine. We went for a walk and on getting back in the car and being told not to step on my seat with her muddy paws she didn't.

Now when we open the front door she stands by my car awaiting her next trip out! The only problem I had with her in the car, was my arm resting on the centre console so as I can change gear, she decided to rest her head on my arm.... made for interesting driving!

She also finds ironing fascinating and insists on sitting directly under the ironing board whilst the clothes hang down around her......

And as for rain.... she's a wuss. I mean she's a big tough Alsatian. And if rain starts, she about turns and starts trying to do a very fast run home with me flying behind her hanging on to the lead!!!

She let Alex share her bed the other night, by moving over for him to lie beside her. And she defiantly knows how to tell me she wants to go out, by sitting in front of me and offering me each front paw in turn till I get the message.

It has to be said that I'd cleared my diary this week for her, and I have had a really fun week with her. And as for getting fit.... if my bum muscles get any better my backside will be mistaken for a 16 yr olds!

And right now she is lying behind me snoring louder than I do!!!

Other than that today I have been training for a new job, which I'm very fired up about, and no doubt some of you will hear about in due course in the UK.

I've no more pics of Trix at the moment, but here's some of yesterdays walk instead.

LEARNING SELF RESPECT

It does feel somewhat strange to me to have been given all the lovely words that I have received because of my recent posts.

It might sound odd but this real liking of myself is only fairly recent to me.
It has been work in progress for years.

For many years it felt that I wasn't lovable, and that I didn't really have any proper friends. That doesn't mean I didn't have friends but they were people you got close to via work, so for a while were very important and then drifted away with a change of job.

I started to learn to like myself when I was 26 yrs old. Prior to that I didn't think very much of myself. Although I had the trappings of a successful life. I was an Orthopaedic Ward Sister. I had a flat, a sports car, I was going somewhere. But I also had terrible relationships that culminated in the one just before I was 26.

We had met when he came to work in the hospital dept I worked,although we didn't get together there. We did that when we were both up for an interview to go and do our psychiatric nurse training. He was married.... I didn't care.

He was a bastard.... I didn't care.
He behaved so badly to his wife, who was pregnant.... I didn't care.
I was drinking too much.... I didn't care.
He beat me up on more than one occasion.... I didn't care.
My sister and mates were really anxious for me.... I didn't care.

And on and on, I was addicted, infatuated, call it what you will, just as long as I got to see him, even if that was for only ten minutes a day.Even though I knew this was a really bad relationship

I completed my psychiatric training. And I booked myself on a week long drama therapy course. On this course was a particular man, he liked me and I did him. He treated me so differently to the way I'd been treated for the previous 18 months. I couldn't believe that a man could be that kind and caring. On the last night of the course we slept together. It was the door to my liberation.

The next day when we're talking over how the course has been I broke down, not wanting this magical time out to end and to back to my life in Leicester. I'd also got friendly with one of the women on the course, and she offered me a life line, and told me that I was going to stay with her in London for a couple of days. I informed my family of my disappearance and went.

To have been so nurtured by these two people was astonishing and it made me brave. So when I finally returned to my flat there were several messages as to my whereabouts from this bloke. I didn't answer them. Eventually he turned up on my doorstep, and taking a deep breath I told him it was over.

And taking an even bigger deep breathe I started the long journey to self respect. So that after a few months I met my future husband, and he was the very first man who came from the same background to me. All the other relationships I'd had and really been with men who weren't middle class, hadn't been privately educated, who hadn't known which knife and fork to use at a formal meal. Howard did.

And for the next 14 years when we were together I didn't doubt that part of myself. I still had the career, the now house and the sensible family car to fit my children in.

More importantly than that I started to make real friends, with two women I'm still proud that they are still my friends almost 25 years later.

When my marriage split up because he had found someone else, someone who understood him(what me cynical... nah, surely not!!!) I went straight back to my old way of behaving with the first man I went out with. My God was he an absolute bastard! My sons couldn't stand him, my sister and her family couldn't stand him. And for two months I let myself be treated really badly, because I didn't deserve anything better. Then my brain kicked in, thank goodness and I realised what I was doing to myself. That just because someone had a low enough opinion of me, my husband, didn't mean that I had to buy into it again, after all the work I'd done on myself, so fast exit for one horrible man.

This is not to say I was immediately transported to a place of decent relationships, I wasn't. The men were good enough, I just wasn't sorted out in myself, and used sex as a way to get validation. Which never works for women.

That part of my life didn't really start to change properly till I had breast cancer. There were suddenly so many other things that needed attending to, that relationships didn't get a look in for a while. But when I raised by head above the parapet again I knew that I would only have relationships in which men treated me equally. Again although I knew this on a thinking level I didn't know it on an emotional level. And it's taken me the last two years to work it out!!!

I know... I'm a slow learner!

But what I know now is that not only am I a good mum, sister,auntie, friend, worker, car driver, cook, care giver,whatever, but also I am someone who likes herself and is worthy of been given respect back by men if they want to be involved with me. What's interesting to me, is it it the last 16 years that I have really established my friendships with women. And even more astounding to me is I actually have friendships with a few men. Why this is astounding is, I never thought that I would feel comfortable with men in that way, as they were people to have sex with, or the partners of my friends. And know I can even go on holiday with one of them as just really good mates, just as I would my girlfriends.

So coming back to the beginning, there is still a small part of me that when given lovely comments feels fraudulent, as if you will see the unlovable me any minute. And I have to stop myself going there, because it's not true. It has only ever been me that didn't love me, and now I do.

So that when we look at people, we never think about how they got to be the way they are. We make judgement calls based on what we see right there and then. And I need at the moment as part of my journey to go and revisit these horrible places to help me understand how I got here today.... sitting at my computer with my early morning dog walking scruffs on, with my dog by my side, needing another cup of hot water!!

I would put photos up of some of my friends, but since some of them are known here I won't. But I would if I could, cause you are so important to me. The picture I have put up is one of my favourites, it is my friend in Devon and I sitting on the steps at Dartmouth Castle, awaiting the ferry with Lucy the dog to go and have crab sandwiches in the Cherub Pub in Dartmouth, which is always now part of the ritual of going to stay with her and her husband.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

What an amazing day for America and the rest of the world.
He is being compared as a speaker to Lincoln, Kennedy and Roosevelt over here.
This man, who is intelligent, compassionate and strong, we the world need you and the people who work with you to make a difference .
The pain and anguish has gone on long enough, and although it would be naive to think he can sort it all, he can at least start a process for respect of each and every man woman and child.
President Barack Obama I salute you. As do my sons, and that is where the hope lies for the future.

UPDATE ON TRIX AND THEN NO MORE DOG POSTS!!

Update on Trixie..... after which I promise not to continue doing dog posts!

I don't know how we've done it but the three of us have landed on our feet.
Within hours of being here, Trix was licking my nose. Now I don't like dogs licking my face, but this seemed important as a right of passage.

She then lay on the floor and let me stroke under her chin, so exposing her throat.
I was gob smacked at the level of trust she was putting in me so soon.

On Sunday both Al and I took her for a walk by ourselves. He did it first, as he is stronger and less likely to be a push over. She was fine just on the lead. So later on in the dark I took her, and although she pulled a bit, it was nothing as bad as I had feared.

Since then she has settled down as if she has been here for ever. There are obviously different anxiety points.... leaving her alone for the first time. Al did it today for 20 minutes and I will do it tomorrow for a couple of hours to go walking. I won't be taking her with me, as my two friends are a bit dog anxious and I haven't totally got her measure yet.

Introducing her to other people, Al had two mates round today, one she barked at and tried to nip and the other she was fine with. Then she got it together and ended up sitting on the bad guys feet! My first guest will be my sister on Thursday. Now I know she is already protective of us, and she should be easier with Al's mates as he can look after himself. So I'm a bit anxious, but then she was fine when I met her for the first time, so hopefully it will go well.

She is limping at the moment, we were assured that it was related to a play incident before she came. It was worse yesterday after a day of high activity, and not so bad today after restricted walks and no playing in the garden. I don't want to take her to the vets for her dog MOT until I know she feels totally safe with me. Plus I want to take out insurance and don't need it on her record she has dodgy hips.

We, Al and me, both agreed though, that if it is worst case scenario and she does have hip problems, it's too late to send her back, cause we both love her....

THE LOST DECADE

I had a very interesting comment left on my site recently. It was anonymous and it said, I'm paraphrasing.... how come you said you were a wanted and loved little girl and the same time had alcoholic parents.

I did leave a comment back, but I want to expand on it here, as I thing it's worth mentioning, as it ties in as usual, with my therapy practise.

So yes I was a wanted and loved child. My parents were both young and very naive when they met at 21, and they married at 25, without having had any other really serious relationships. They were very much in love and I was a honeymoon baby.

Prior to my birth thay had chosen my names, I was always going to be a girl in their eyes(this is hundreds of years before scans obviously.) The name they chose for me, meant, worthy of love. 22 months late along came my sister, they had chosen the boys names for her and they were quickly changed to accommodate a girl. My sister was very ill not long after birth and had to be baptised in hospital. But she obviously pulled through. But because of this my sister has never had the same confidence and feeling of well being about her that I have, and in Freudian terms suffers from separation anxiety because of her start in life.

So we were a little unit of four, with very traditional values, the father going of to work in the office, and the mother staying at home. The little girls bathed and ready for daddy to come home at night to read a story.

It was quite idyllic in some respects. But my father, as I have said before was working in the family business, which he hated, so when he came home at night my parents would start the evening with a glass of sherry to unwind. This of course over time grew in it's amount, as his unhappiness increased.

He changed his drink to whiskey, which made him evil and mum started knocking back Pernod. Around the same time I became adolescent and the trouble started....

My parents were entering their 40s, which are very much the lost decade. Insofar that when people are in their 20s they are building their jobs, homes and families, which they go on to consolidate in their 30s. But by the time they reach their 40s, people start asking ... is this all there is? This is when broadly speaking many women go back into education, to get the degree they have always wanted. And men need a dose of magic fairy dust and start affairs to find the magic of sex again.

This need in men is because men get validated through having sex, women get validated by being given affection. By the time people have been married for 20 years or so, sex sometimes is history. And men suddenly realise that they are lonely for that validation. So that when someone comes along that shows an interest in them, they can become completely infatuated and be 'in love' or in sex as that's what they are getting to make them feel alive again.

So this lost decade in my parents coincided with my teenage years. My parents did not know how to handle my burgeoning sexuality and so I spent a great deal of time at this age being punished for one thing or another. As it was sometimes easier to be angry with me, than it was to own what was going on in their own lives.

The drinking then started taking over, but in an odd way from most drunks. My parents would have a drink before lunch then my dad would go back to work and my mum would go and sleep it off. When he returned from work they would drink more, but only before dinner. Never with, of afterwards, so by the time they/we sat down to eat they would be well oiled. It's no wonder at this time that my sister and I would take our meals into another room and watch TV. Because they drank like this, they never learned how to be civilised with drink, as in a glass of wine with a meal. They always drank on empty stomachs. They had strict rules about how much they drank.

So by the end of my fathers life he had a bottle of wine before lunch and a bottle before dinner, unless he had visitors and then it would be more.

When I was 17 my father had a nervous breakdown whilst we were away in Majorca and from then on in, we as a family had to deal with his diagnosis of manic depression. My mother also throw a few wobblies in her time, but never as badly as dad. My parents never had the choices available nowadays to help with mental health issues, they were trapped within the confines of no care.

Most of my client group are people in their 40s, and they don't understand why suddenly when they have money in the bank, time on their hands, as the kids are not as needy of them, that they are simply so lost. They have gone from being their parent's children, to their partner's spouse, to the their children's parent to what?

And this is when they arrive at my door, and have to work through finding a new meaning in life, that wasn't available to them before. I see this very much as part of our spiritual awakening, as this area of life suddenly holds promise in a way that retail therapy never did. Or put another way, this is the time that people go from giving everything to everyone around them and start learning to give to themselves. To put themselves first, as if they don't they feel used and abused by the world, because they are treating themselves as a doormat by not mattering .... and guess what treat yourself like that and what happens???

All of this goes back to one of my earlier hypothesis, that the stories may be different, but the feelings are the same. My husband's mid life crisis happened early, when he was 38 when he went off with another woman. I have always been lucky I haven't had to change my job, but I did go to prove I wasn't academically stupid by training as a psychotherapist when I was 44. I rest my case..... what do you think?

TRIXIE COMES TO HER NEW HOME

As a further break to big therapy stuff, I thought I'd introduce you to Trixie. She has come to live with Alex and me today. She is a two year old German Shepherd rescue dog, not to be confused with a mad aussie who lives somewhere else in blogland!!. We had to drive for a couple of hours to meet her.
And she was coming up from Cambridge where she has been fostered for the last 5 months.
She had a very strong bond with the foster mum, so this woman had to go and sit upstairs whilst we exchanged greetings in the halfway house.
And at one point she got a bit jittery and ended up sitting on my foot, which made me feel that she was going to be okay with us.
I drove Al's car home and once we had got Trix into the car she licked my ear before settling down for the journey back.
Now we have her home were doing our best to ignore her whilst she roams around sniffing all things in the house.
We have been told that it will take her a few weeks to transfer her feelings on to us, so it will be step by step. And no doubt we will make some mistakes, but hopefully not bad ones.
This will mean ,of course, a whole new take on my photos, as in Trix here and her there! But here are the first two.Even if one of them does have scary eyes! Actually her eyes are very beautiful.
We will now close the house down to visitors till next Saturday when a good friend is coming walking. What he doesn't yet know is Trix is coming to!!
Fingers crossed for bonding and good behaviour.

ANOTHER INTERVIEW!!

The wonderful Hele at Truth Cycles has asked me these questions. And what I've realised is this is such a great way to talk about myself without having to think about where i should start! The same rules apply as Karen's interview.

Thank you Hele, for these wonderful questions, they have been really thought provoking

1. When you are going through moments of soul searching and doubt what gives you your hope back?

When I'm going through these sort of times, I will be upset, and because I'm very good at NOT holding my feelings in, I will let myself cry hard. I will probably go and get my toy cat, who sits by my bed, or one of my four bears to hug. And then I will talk out loud to them about what I feel. So making them very wet with my tears. I will hold on to them till I have let go of all the words that need saying inside me. And because I have let go of my pain, then the act of so doing will have enabled me to feel back to my usual self glass half full self.
If the feelings inside are of anger then I will scream very loudly and then run up and down stairs swearing at whomever I'm upset with, till I'm exhausted and that works as well.
These work because I have moved my brain wave patterns from the unhappy stuck positions I have been in, and I have released serotonin into my blood stream which immediately makes anyone feel better.


2. The image you portray on your blog of a firebird ligthing up the sky always draws such a vivid picture in my mind.If you close your eyes what do you see this bird doing once its journey of regeneration is complete?

Will it ever be complete.... I don't think so cause I think we keep on learning.
But what I know I'm getting increasingly nowadays is a feeling of contentment about myself. I know myself very well, and I forgive myself for not being perfect. So if I can carry on with this development and continue to learn to be at peace with where I am in the here and now, then that is good enough for me. Plus I do not have a religious side, but I do have a spiritual one, and that is definitely becoming more important to me as I get older. If when I die I know I've done my best, whatever that is, then that will do.

3. As a child who did you wish for your adult self to be?

From a small child I was told I was stupid, both by my parents and at school. So my dreams then weren't very practical. I did want to to be a ballet dancer, Margot Fontayn was my idle. As I went through the school system and was getting close to chosing a career, I really wanted to study history at uni. But because of 'my stupidity' I failed all my O'levels and was not seen bright enough to even consider A'levels. The power of suggestion!!!! Then I wanted to be a physiotherapist, but the same thing applied. I drifted into nursing because my mum had been one.... and as they say the rest is history.
Emotionally I have wanted to care for people forever. It was my job, and still is, to look after my little sister. I learned around 12 to do massage, so I could look after my mum who had a bad back, and I would always do all the ironing so as to help her.
All the games I played as a child involved, making home of some sort, and looking after my teddies in them. So I suppose there has never been any thought about wishing for anything different. I have a magical life caring and always have done.


4. When was the last time you laughed out loud and why?

Recently with my youngest son, who is a natural comic in the gentle making fun of things around him, and he has me in stitches often.
When I was a young woman and still at home, my mum and I would get the giggles and end up laughing till the tears rolled down our faces. That only happens occasionally now, and generally happens when I read something in a book that sets me off. I love doing that.


5. If you look around you now, what thing of beauty catches your eye? In what way does this reflect the beauty of your heart?

Where I am right now is my desk typing on my laptop. Around me are three photographs, one of mum and dad, one of dad and granpa, and one of my sister and I when I'm probably 5 and her 3.
On the other side are some very important treasures, and in no particular order, a candle that has a spell cast on it my Queen Vixen to help with relationships.
Two bullet cases from my shooting a shotgun last summer. A card with a picture of a lake, and the words under the picture say- 'There is a place that holds magic, in our hearts, and in our memories' A feather from a Heron, that fell down beside me in the lake in the picture, all these three relate to my friend Sorrow who I visited last summer and who has an impact on my life that I can't begin to even describe, she is so important to me.
A small metal labyrinth and a card case given to me by my dearest friend in Philly after we had walked a labyrinth together last winter in a Churchyard. This labyrinth also ties in with Sorrow, as she has one in her garden and I walked it twice. Once in pain, and once in utter joy the next day.
There is a large palm sized stone and a piece of Lapis Lazuli that sparkles with gold flecks. Both these reflect my relationship with a wonderful friend who was my best mate when we were 14 and we re-met through Friends Reunited last year. Our friendship is as strong now, as it was then.The stone I picked up on the beach where she lives and the lapis was given to me her when she came up to stay with me.
Finally is a drinks mat with lovely silly words on, given to me by my wonderful friend who lives in Devon, who I love so much, and go visit as often as I can. Who never judges and who accepts me totally.

Plus my computer when it goes to screen saver shows my photographs, and all my pics relate to my friendships with people.

So all this reflects that I am a very privileged person to have the love that others give me, and I know that all my friends know I love them. Whether they are celebrated at my desk or elsewhere in my home. My house has so many treasures that go all the way back to my great grandparents right up to walking socks that Alex gave me for Christmas.

The beauty of my heart, Hele's term not mine, is the one word that makes the world go round.... LOVE there is nothing else.

INTERVIEW WITH KAREN

Instead of more therapy introspection I'm answering the interview questions set by the lovely Karen at Border Town Notes.

1.Which person no longer living would you like to meet, and why?

The person I would like to have met is, Florence Nightingale. I started my professional working life as a nurse. And she was my absolute hero for what she achieved in the Crimea. She took a profession that simply wasn't around, the nurses pre-her were far more like working girls than professional nurses. Plus she introduced the ideas of hygiene, that I was still trained in my day(Unfortunately no longer used judging how bad MRSA is in British Hospitals nowadays) Plus she was so determined to to buck the trend of how a Victorian woman should be, so was really a fore runner of today's modern women.

2.What is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for you?

The nicest thing that anyone has done for me happened last year at one Sunday lunch. My ex husband, my son's father has arsed around for years not paying the maintenance properly. He owes me well in excess of £50,000. And on this particular lunch time I asked my boys what they thought my next step should be.
Alex, my youngest, told me as far as he was concerned he only had one parent. And that they had watched me over the years struggle to bring them up on my own, whether making decisions, or going without financially. And that I was the only person he really respected in life.
His brother Kit, said that he couldn't have had a better life than the one they had, had with me . And that he knew that whatever was going on for him in life he always knew that he was safe when he was with me, and that everything would be alright.

3.What's your favourite inspirational saying?

There is a poem not written by, but used by Nelson Mandela as part of his Inaugural speech in 1994 And the last two sentences lines sum up my attitude to life;
.... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

4.Would you like to share a profound, or life-changing event that has happened to you?

There actually have been lots of these, all related to finding out I had a gift for communication and helping people make a difference to their lives. They happened when I was a general nurse, and would involve talking to people at a depth that nurses weren't allowed to in those days, back in the early 70s. One of the memories that sticks is, when I was a Ward Sister. There was a woman who came onto the ward with a fractured leg. She was young and had two small children she was also away from her family in Scotland. It was discovered that she had cancer of her bones, and the only way to save her life was to have her leg and hip amputated. I made the decision that I would be the one to tell her. So with the Consultant we made the disclosure with the curtains drawn round her bed and her husband present. The rest of the day I spent entirely behind this curtain holding this woman in my arms as I helped her try and come to terms with this shocking news with the Consultant and her husband popping in and out. I had no psychiatric training at this stage. But what I had, was a fearless approach to facing what was going on in any one's life. And I think I made a difference to Marie, so that she was more able to make informed choices whether physical or emotional by helping her face the whole truth. This ability has allowed me over the years to face whatever has needed facing whether personal to me, or related to anyone else that is or comes into my life.

5.Tell me about where you were born, and where else you've lived in your life till now?

I was born in a place called Walsall in the Midland region of the UK. I lived there till I was 21, when I left home with my first nursing qualification to see more of the world. First stop was Cambridge, I worked there for three years. I worked as a Staff Nurse and a barmaid. I got promoted to a Ward Sister and went to Leicester to work on a female Orthopaedic ward (see above question). I needed to change my direction, so retrained as a Psychiatric Nurse. I moved to London and worked as Staff Nurse again, in an Adolescent unit for disturbed young people. I met my first husband and went to sea with him for three months, two weeks after we'd got married. On return, I got a job and two cats so I didn't have to do that again, in a small town outside Oxford. And started to work as a Counsellor and eventually a Psychotherapist in the NHS
From there five years later, I moved to close by where I live now in the Peak Park. My husband left 13 years ago, and the boys and I eventually sold up and moved into a nearby town, where I have been ever since. Except, of course, for those times that I've been in America. Which for the last ten years has been at least twice a year, and I view it as a second home. And my latest plan is, that credit crunch depending, that I sell up here and move to Devon to be near the sea later this year.

I have really enjoyed answering these questions, even if they some of the answers did make me emotional, it's not often that I actually acknowledge what has gone on in my life. And actually how I wouldn't change one minute of it,even the terrible times. Cause otherwise I wouldn't be as content within myself as I am nowadays.


Potential interviewees?
If anybody else wants to have a go: here are your instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the
questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions and let me know when you have posted it, so I can link it.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask
them five questions.

THE WHOLE INSIDE

Right I'm going to try and write the post I thought I'd end up writing last. Comes of starting with a thought in my head and just letting my fingers go!

One of the strange things about my job is how suddenly I have a whole spate of people seemingly going through the same thing. Again stories will be different but the pain is the same. And how people try and deal with the pain before therapy, is also something they have in common. Or perhaps if I could be immodest before they meet me, as I can't talk for other therapists.

I have very strong ideas about what people do to themselves to protect themselves, and how damaging those things are.

So throwing the doors of my mind open...... I believe that people who have gone through emotional pain when they are children try as adults to have relationships with people who they expect to make them better. And it doesn't bloody work.

This hasn't happened to me, I was a wanted and secure little girl. But both my parents were desperately unhappy people who clung to each other and alcohol as a way to try and heal. They didn't succeed. My mother died at 57 of cancer, brought about by stress, alcohol abuse and cigarettes. My father died of a major stomach bleed caused by cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism four years ago.

My mother found out the day she passed her SRN (State Registered Nurse) exams that she had been adopted. She had always felt outside of her family, her brother and sister were years older than her. She was an informal adoption for money. And although her family were decent enough to her, they didn't show her love. This became even more evident when my mother, who was an Irish Catholic married an English Protestant. Her adoptive parents ensured that she was excommunicated from the Church and they refused to have anything more to do with her, apart from her visiting them once on their death beds. No wonder, as my mum always said that her wedding day was the saddest day of her life.

My father was the youngest of three, his older sister was the apple of her father's eye, his brother adored by his mother, and then my dad. Every day at 6pm my dad went next door to see the neighbours, Bert and Ethel. No one questioned this, it was just what he was expected to do. On his mothers death bed, when she was 96, she confirmed what he'd always thought that he was his mothers and Bert's child. Added to that his siblings were feckless and dad had a massive sense of loyalty. So when his father, the man that brought him up as his own, needed help in the family business then dad went into it. He loathed it, but it was his duty to stay. The only times my dad was happy were either when he was with my mum or when he was doing his soldiering bit in the TA.

As he got older his behaviour got more and more erratic, and when I was 16 he was diagnosed with manic depression. This involved amongst other things, waking my mum every morning at 5am to listen to his endless worries. Now anyone who has had anything to do with depression knows what a selfish illness it is, in that there is nothing else to discuss except the depressive, and how they see the world. So mum would listen and get stressed.

Added to that dad's need for alcohol was worse than mums, and she tried to give it up several times, and every time she succeeded he would pressure her to drink again. Dad was an ugly drunk. He was pissed every night, but when he had company or socialised he drank even more and then he would turn ugly and over the years he lost all his friends through his behaviour. Which was very hard on my mum, as everyone loved her.

She was the most generous person I knew, and if I am half the person she was then I will be a good person. She hated the affects that booze had on him, and the stress of living with him eventually killed her.

All the time they were together they loved each other deeply, but they couldn't heal one another.There was no treatment in those days except endless pills, which they both took by the bucket full. Nowadays people like my parents come and see me.

I don't have depression, or alcoholism. In fact it took me till I was 40 to actually like spirits. And even now the smell of whiskey will make me gag.But what I do have is a need, a yearning so huge that I have to cherish it, and use it to help others. I am helping my parents heal by teaching people that they have to learn to love themselves. No-one else can make that pain go away, however wonderful they are. But we who have that hole inside us can heal by being kind to ourselves, and looking after ourselves, so that slowly by us looking after that emotional need within us can we learn to be at peace with ourselves. Rather than the unhappiness and discontent that brings people to therapy in the first place.

Physician heal thyself works, but I know it's bigger than that, cause I need to help the memories of my parents that reside in my soul.

And again being immodest, do you know, I know I can help others, and for that I am so grateful beyond belief.

I miss my parents terribly, but I'm also glad that they are not here, as to have watched them destroy themselves more than they had already done, would have been cruel indeed.

LIVE AND LET LIVE, BY BEING RIGHT BEING YOURSELF

It's odd, when I work I end up saying the same things over and over again to people.

Hopefully not the same person!

I have to see each person and listen to their story, and then I help them find solutions to their issues. And each person needs to feel that I am telling my words fresh for them. I cannot allow myself to come across as jaded or disinterested in any one persons story. On the whole the difference between people is the story, cause the feelings and reactions are fairly universal.

I don't really work like other therapists, as I believe that if I explain why you feel something in language that is understandable then the client has a chance to use what they've learnt in the session and practise out in their world. So I talk a lot in therapy sessions.

I use the language of emotions and feelings. I swear a lot in therapy, but I wait my moment for the first time I use an expletive. Generally I judge this right, and when I say something like 'I'm not fucking surprised' when someone has told their tale, and is upset, then I can see the fear lifting from my clients.

Cause suddenly they realise that they don't have to hide from me, that I will not judge them for being who they are. That I understand, and can not only empathise, but that they have a sense that I've been there to.

People are so frightened of their feelings, and it is this fear that I work on dispelling in a session. I try to get people to understand that whatever they feel is perfect for them. After all, we are all different and there is no right way to be. Otherwise everyone would be like me!!!

It is incongruous to think that, for example we all have to eat the same breakfast, why would we? We eat what we fancy and not what someone else thinks we should eat.... that is unless someones on a health food kick and is extolling the virtues of porridge and convincing people around to try it! But even then, if you really didn't like porridge you wouldn't eat it just to please someone.

It's the same in so many areas of life, music, sports, TV, films, clothes, we make our own choices. And if we did do as everyone else then you better get used to listening to jazz, hating sports, loving NCIS, adoring the movie Slumdog Millionaire,(which by the way is a must see movie)and wearing levis, timberland boots and cashmere jumpers all the time when your not at work. Cause those are my choices and I'm right........ well at least for me.

So what people do is allow everyone those choices, but then hook into their feelings not being right, which is just madness in my book. What right has anyone to say I have to like porridge YUCK! or that I should vote this way or that, at least for those of us living in a democracy we have that choice. Or I should have a particular religious faith. Or that I should feel whatever it is someone says I should feel.

The answer to all those is NO, I will make my own mind up, and know that my choices are right for me. And this belief in our own power is what I encourage clients to do. To feel confident that it is ok to say NO to someone else. That doesn't mean it has to be rigid, otherwise I'd never have tried curry years ago, as my sense of not liking it would have never let me experiment in the first place. But now I know how hot I like my curry, I won't eat a korma or a vindaloo, as I think they are both horrible. But within the range of what I will eat in terms of temperature I will continue to try different things. So that all the while my taste is being refined to what exactly works best for me.

Feelings are not like this, as what we do with them is we have a hard core belief, usually set in stone as children and then we have a terrible time trying to change our rigid belief systems. But we do, think about how your views have changed over the years as you got more experience of the world. I know that I have a much more global village outlook on the world than ever I did before blogging for example.

So I'm not so fearful as I used to be in that regard. Ok I'm still utterly useless round spiders! But even with those over the years I've learnt to let go of some of my fear some of the time.

As people learn to feel better about themselves they learn to be more empowered about their feelings being right for them. We cannot live our lives through others, how ever much others may want us to. Or that we want to for an easy life.

Living like that is being passive and unhealthy, as an individual has no control over the rightness of being themselves. Obviously if it goes to far the other way that is equally bad, in so far that taking power from other people makes people aggressive. It is very difficult to be around people who, when they ask you if you want a drink, and you say yes to a coffee and they then spend ten minutes telling you that you actually want tea you can end up feeling very disempowered.

I'm talking here about being assertive, believing that I have rights, and that you have rights. And that neither of us has more rights than the other. That we are both equal and different. And that being that way is fine.

And just maybe if more people around the world realised that yes they have power over themselves, but no-one else, then we'd stop all the bloody wars going on. Cause if there is one thing that is a power play it's rightness of enemies views about their enemies.

Whatever happened to live and let live?

YAH US!!!!

My youngest son passed his driving test last Tuesday. And he's packed in all bad substances in favour of buying petrol! He's also realised that having a clear head is a much easier way to get girls interested, having a car also helps I guess!

My eldest son got a job today working for the Government, it's a three year contract with a qualification they expect him to study for. His salary will be larger than mine!

I get visited on Friday by the dog rescue people to see if they think youngest and I will be ok with one of their dogs. If so then we may have one as quick as a couple of weeks.

I already have two part time jobs and I negotiated myself another one today, to work as a specialist advisor on a year long project, and I've negotiated London rates in payment, despite living the other end of the country.

So all in all a pretty upbeat start to the year!

All of which means no doubt more American trips for me! And a holiday for the lads in Amsterdam to celebrate youngest's 18th in March

Plus weirdly I've just had one of those emails telling you how loved you are and saying send it on to a number of people, it was nine, but I had 17 lovely women on that contacts list. If I did this then in 9 minutes I would get something nice happen to me. Well I sent it on cause I liked the message to my girlfriends. And what do your know I've just had a surprise email form someone who had and still does have an impact in my life, telling me amongst other things that I still look good!

Oh world stroke me some more it feels great!

THIS MADNESS NEEDS TO STOP, BEFORE THERE IS WAR

Just remind me, wasn't the story of David and Goliath one that worked on the principle of good over evil?
So what exactly is going on in Gaza?
What the fuck are the Israelies doing with all their force against the seemingly pathetic forces that Hammas have to hand. This is not a comment about Hammas, more about the amount of weaponry they appear to be using in comparison to the utter heavy handedness of Israel.
What is Israel after, annihilation of a people?
Cause they won't succeed, all they will do is antagonise the friends of Hammas to take up ever more powerful arms against them.
Then what do you know we'll have another war going on.
What has been happening to the people of Gaza for months now is disgraceful, they are being starved and unpaid and trapped within the walls of their city, wasn't that enough?
But no, obviously not, they need to be taught a lesson.
Well get this Israel, I have no political allegiances in relation to the Middle East, but when someone such as me starts to think that you are behaving like Goliath and that your behaviour is wrong, then you better watch out.
Cause if I'm feeling outraged and I am just watching from my sofa then the people who have stronger feelings than me will be reacting a lot tougher.
Surely life is precious to all religions and creeds, so how come some men/women and children are worth less than others and can just be bombed without thought.
I'm not a religious person at all, but even I know the difference between right and wrong in religious terms, and killing our fellow human is wrong. End of.

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGITY JOG

I'm back!!!

Hope you all managed to have a good New Year without me, I realise it would have been tough, but I knew you could do it!

As for me, I've had a wonderful week of doing nothing, except hanging out with my friend and her lovely family. This included Sunday lunch with her mom and step dad.
And going for a three mile walk up to Borders with her eldest son, so we could both lose ourselves for 30 minute picking books, before hitting Macy's to choose him a new winter coat. I was then credited with being the most stylish person he knew, as he was so pleased with my suggestion of coat.... Yah me!

As for New Year I only had one gin and tonic all evening..... which compared to last years over indulgence and bad behaviour was amazing. I had a gorgeous phone call with the wonderful Ron Jazz to set me in right frame to enjoy the evening. Which for me involved watching two movies back to back. Of which the last was my all time favourite, 'It's a Wonderful Life' with Jimmy Stewart.

My mate wasn't quite as into it as me, so at midnight I woke her up said HNY and we both continued with what we'd been doing. Her snoozing and me crying over the movie.... perfect night

Getting back yesterday was vile, although the house was tidy the Christmas decorations made the whole place look sad and depressing. So despite my jet lagged status I set to and cleaned up. Followed by I don't know how much washing...did it breed whilst I was away? Then hitting the store to do a weeks shopping, not something I enjoy at all in the town I live in. I normally drive to the next town. But I was too knackered so local shops had to do. So I was there alongside the rest of the universe in the first store, couldn't handle that, so just picking up the bacon that youngest likes, I drove of to the other end of town to a different shop. Still millions of people but a more ethical shop,even if the selection isn't as good.

Added to all of that I've been trying to catch up with my emails etc, but by 7.30 last night I admitted defeat and crashed, to be woken up by Alex for a chat at 2am for an hour??? Then back to sleep finally getting out of bed after 14 hours of sleep.

I've taken no pics, so you'll have to make do with one taken when my mate and I met up in New York a few weeks ago. My lovely mate looks beautiful in it, and I need some powder to counteract the shine, but who cares, cause we look happy together and that's what counts

And now I have to get serious about earning some money as I only went to the States four times last year..... WHAT! I must have a screw lose. And now I need to plan the summer trip.

That is of course, house selling not with standing. Anyone want to buy a three bedroom house in a very beautiful part of England in the spring, so I can go to Devon?

Anya asked me to write which books I'd brought, I can't remember any of the titles I read so many, but do recommend to anyone in the States three authors who I don't seem to be able to find here- Elizabeth Berg, Karen White and Marie Bostwick. All three write wonderful women's stories about women of a certain age, which works for me being of a certain age as well.

Thanks BTW for all your lovely comments whilst I was away, especially the offer of a snog from the anonymous reader. That I could defiantly do with as haven't had a kiss now since last March, all together now..... ah!!!