Annual Review... please never again!

So borrowing an idea from Trousers to review the year in as few as words as possible, here goes....

January-
New Year in Philadelphia
Got rescue German Shepherd, very difficult as had been ill treated.(She got better behaved and I wouldn't be without her now!)
Started job trying to sell utilities(gave that up as bad job later in the year)

February-
Got snowed in
Alex ill for the first time with 12 days of endless vomiting. On IV in hospital
My Aunty died and had her funeral.
Got to Devon for first time after cancelling twice before.
Somebody engraved my car with the words sex and c..t costing me my excess of £500
Washing machine broke and had to be replaced

March-
Alex's 18th birthday spent night in police cell for fighting
Both sons went to Amsterdam for Al's birthday treat, so spent Mothers day on my own.

April-
My birthday
Went to Devon twice, Cornwall once.
Alex ill for the second time, two days in hospital.

May-
Went to Amsterdam myself with my friend J.
Alex ill for the third time in hospital for three days. I worked out what was wrong with him. And once I'd done that he made full recovery. But he can never smoke cannabis again (oh isn't that tough!!)
Met Nicky in London briefly (Absolute Vanilla)

June-
Went to Philadelphia,Sorrow came up up to stay for three days.
Alex beat someone up and was wanted by the police until charges were dropped, when scroat he beat up blackmailed him.

July-
A quiet month just went to Devon.

August-
Alex got into more trouble, this one very serious
I put the house on the market
My beloved friend David died.

September-
Went to Germany, to Berlin with my niece and then on to stay with Angela in Usedom.
Came back a day early to go to David's funeral in York.
Broke my foot.

October-
Alex in court for the first time.
He also got a job.

November-
Went to two conferences
And Devon for a long weekend. Had scones and jam with Exmoor Jane on way back!

December-
Alex grew up in the last three months and stopped drinking and being a complete prat.
But to no avail he got sentenced to 16 weeks to start immediately.
I got to see him Sunday before Christmas.
Kit came home for Christmas.


It's just as well I love my youngest son......


I also saw blogger friends for walks and meals, especially Trousers, and Wake Up throughout the year. And started talking several times a week to Paula in Munich.
And of course the frequent emails to those I've met this year and some I haven't but still feel close to like Lori In USA, Picsie Chick in Canada,and Robyn in Oz and Linda also in Oz who doesn't blog but we met through mine.

And of course not forgetting my friends not from this world of blogging who are always there for me, and without whom I don't think I'd cope, these four women, in Philly, Devon, Oxfordshire and Cornwall, alongside my sister are just wonderful

So despite it being such an awful year, as I look through my calender to check dates I also realise that I am so blessed with people who love me, as I love them. And although the events have been tough the love has shone through like a beacon of light in the dark of the night, around all of us and for that I am grateful beyond words.

So now although I'm looking forward to what the New Year will bring I am also mindful of what I've got.And that alone is worth celebrating, cause there is nothing that beats LOVE!

A letter to me....

On monday I wrote this to myself and sent it as an email to me. And although I'm now in a completely different place I thought it was worth putting here, in case it was any use to anyone else.



Monday 28th December

Dear byrd,
I'm writing this to you as I think you may need it. I know your feeling lost and lonely right now. And dreading taking K to the train station. But you know that you will be able to cope.This is the normal post Christmas flat zone!

And if you don't cope what then, you'll cry till you've no more tears to cry, you'll scream till your done.
You've just been storing up your feelings till Christmas is all over. The feelings of loss that were forced on you by A's absence.

But don't you see this is how it's going to feel. And in fact if you think back it's always been like this. Do you remember when you first lived in the R...s 20 years ago, and the days when you had to care for the kids, how lost you were. And even worse when W and M went after a weekends visit. For two pins then you'd have run up the track after them, not letting them go as you didn't want to feel that emptiness.

It is normal this feeling and it can't be escaped.So sometimes you hook into having it more than others, well do you? So you don't have a partner. But you only think about it in terms of a new romance, you don't think about the grind of being with someone when the relationship is failing. You've never had that, but don't for one minute don't think it doesn't happen. It does and you know that from listening to other people.

Everyone wants romance in their lives, but your the one saying the time isn't right. As you need to move first. Well if that is how you see it, then accept it and don't bother wasting energy hooking into being lonely without it.Your the one making the choices here!

And as for others?
How do you think J is coping today? Yes she will see her daughter and co but she also has the knowledge that she may not see her son in Oz for TWO years. You will see A in FOUR WEEKS and K is just a train ride away.

So we come onto your other fear and that's the weather.
Well the priority here is to keep safe. Nothing else matters end of!

Your dog will just have to cope if it's too icy for you to walk, the garden will just need regular clearing up, and so on. That is small potatoes in comparison to breaking another bone way over on the field at W... and not having anyone know your there.

You know you are responsible for making your own social life buzz, so do it! Fix up to do things with people and then relish the time at home. You have a book that needs writing, do it. You have a house that definitely needs spring cleaning, so do it.

DON'T BE A MARTYR! it's just another wave and it will pass.
Take a deep breath and move your body and so your mind into a different place.

And remember you are loved very much by me. And also your sons, your sis, s and t, and all your wonderful friends love you, and they are there for you if you let them be. GOT THAT!!!!!
All love
mandyxx

Things can only get better...

In 45 minutes it will be Christmas Day in England. It is already in Australia, and it will be in America in five hours after here . The rest of the world has similar times give or take a couple of hours.

So from the bottom of my heart I wish for you a Happy and Joyous Christmas.
And if it's not for whatever reason then I hope that in the New Year life gets better.
Remembering that we are in charge of our own happiness, (give or take family life and illness!)And that we can choose to make our worlds okay whatever is going on for us.
And please don't think I'm talking through my arse here, as my list of painful things that I have survived is huge. And I have always had a choice.

We start a new decade and in this country according to recent research half the population would say that this year has been their worst ever.
With that thought as the song says..... Things can only get better!!!

Love you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A winter walk in Macclesfield Forest.

I went for my first serious walk today with my friend Trousers since I broke my foot.It was lovely to out walking again. We went to Macclesfield Forest. We parked opposite this reservior next to the pub, so well placed for lunch later.



I loved the reflection on the water and the washed out colour palette here, with the snow topped wall just visible.



The hill at the end of the reservoir is the one we have to climb. So starting well I slip on the ice, crumpling my legs up underneath me, other than my dignity I wasn't hurt!



We came across these fabulous trees spanning a small stream. The Lichen was the most astonishing colour. I've never seen it that shade of yellow before. The stones round about were green with copper in, so whether that had affected the lichen I don't know.



This is the highest part of the walk on our way to the Forest Chapel after coming through the forset. Which in fact is a little used Church which has a service once a month. The gravestones dated back to the mid eighteenth century which was pretty specatcular.




Finally on the way back down to get to the pub for lunch of hot pie and a glass of cider. We walked for two hours, which wasn't bad for a first walk back. We probably only did about 5 miles as the walk was very steep and the path icy, so we took our time.By the time we'd finished my foot knew about it! But since we'd walked mainly on a road surface it wasn't as painful as it could have been.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

This morning when I was reading my friends blogs I ended up writing comments that included two of my favourite phrases. And I realised that these phrases or adages are things I attempt to live by. So it felt appropriate to write about them and the others that I hold dear.

Most of these phrases started in my life as things I read and liked enough to use with clients in therapy. And because I never ask any client to do something I wouldn't do myself I found myself holding on to them as keepsafes in my own life.

It is difficult to put them in any order of priority, so as they say on all the TV shows right now,in no particular order (and a few posts)......

Grief is the price we pay for love

From my early days as a therapist I have always worked with grieving people. I think my passion, if that is the right word started when I was nursing, and I would watch the appalling way people back in the 1970s got told their relatives had died. It wasn't done with very much sensitivity, by more often or not a junior doctor who hadn't a clue how to tackle death with much compassion. I vowed that when I was able I would be the person to tell of a loved ones death.

At the same time we were in the tail end of the era of not talking openly about people's illnesses. So I witnessed far too many people die without being honest with their families about what they felt. That really horrified me, it was such a time of unspoken conspiracy with people supposedly protecting their nearest and dearest. The reality was so very different the patient generally knew they were dying, the family knew they were dying and everyone colluded not to talk about, and so miss the chance to say I love you or goodbye.

So I have almost always been on a crusade to bring death into the open. After all it is going to happen to all of us. Some of us get the opportunity to have a so called good death where we have the opportunity to say good bye and put our affairs in order.

But we live in a society that is frightened of death, as opposed to Victorian times when death was celebrated with the wearing of mourning clothes and mourning rings that contained locks of loved ones hair. The downside of this age was that sex was underground. Nowadays there is a complete reversal and we all apparently are having endless exotic sex but we cannot discuss death.

So what happens when someone we love dies is a grief reaction. But we've lost the knowledge of what is normal at this time. So people start to believe they are suffering from depression and seek medical treatment, for feelings that are to be expected.

Grief is normal, hurting is normal, being angry is normal, feeling guilty is normal.

And I tell all my bereavement clients that grief is the price we pay for love. And somehow when they acknowledge this, their ability to shift into having a normal and expected reaction as opposed to it being a psychological problem, dramatically changes in front of my eyes.

I also always suggest that they start to work on being pro-active with their grief. And I suggest something that without fail reduces my bereavement clients to tears in front of me. I will ask them to write a letter that they cannot possibly send, but that they need to write to tell the person they have lost how much they love them and miss them.

It is at this point that I metaphorically hold my clients, and hold them up as they begin to understand that because they loved someone, they are naturally going to feel grief now they are no longer there and that is okay.

Death is the one certainty of birth, and I for one don't think we should shy away from it. There is little point in fearing it, there is a point to fearing terminal illness. Why hook into the bizarre belief system that we will live for ever, we won't. Lets get death and dying back into the open, (even if that means getting sex back into the cupboard for a while.)Facing our fear stops it being a fear.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!

Just as an aside, not only am I being offered Viagra at all times of the day and night, I'm now getting spam offering to help me find a Russian bride.....

Get me out of here NOW!!!!

Normal service will be resumed when I stop laughing.

It's just another hill to climb and I can do that.

I've changed the pictures on my side bar for two reasons.

The first relates to the header, in that I was driving to Buxton the other day. It was a glorious sunny day with piercing blue skies, except the hills in the distance were covered in white cloud at the base whilst the tops peeped out through the mist. And I thought it was so beautiful I stopped to take pictures.

The second reason is cause it feels I've got hills to climb at the moment metaphorically. I'm at the bottom of a hill, I can't quite see the top as the path meanders around the hill before it gets to the summit. I must be careful I don't get lost in the wood for the trees!

I know it's only a hill though and not a mountain, and the path maybe steep in parts but I won't need any special equipment to go up the path other than my stout walking boots, my pole and warm clothes.

I have my rucksack with me, with a flask of coffee, my first aid kit, a pair of binoculars and a pile of tissues to help me on my way.

I know I can get to the top, it may take some time, but I've done it before. I've had similar hills to climb before. And this is only a short walk compared to some I've had in the last 24 years.

The weather is grey at the bottom of this hill right now, but who knows it maybe like my real journey the other day and get warm and sunny as I progress along the path.

And although you may not be right beside me right now, I know your rooting for me and cheering me along the path. And that will sustain me as I go.

Hey ho this was meant to be about Chatsworth

Yesterday I went with my friend Kate to Chatsworth to see the astonishing Christmas decorations.

For anyone who doesn't know about Chatsworth, it is the stately home of the Duke of Devonshire. The film the Duchess, staring Keira Knightly was based on one of the current Dukes ancestors. The house is always been used in film sets. The most recent being Pride and Prejudice and Mr Darcy was supposed to live there.

For a lot of the year you can go around the house and in November and December some of the rooms are decorated out with wonderful decorations following a theme. This years theme was the stories of Hans Christian Anderson. Rooms are filled with 20 foot Christmas trees beautifully decorated. Corridors are filled with swathes of greenery and baubles, or twinkly lights. The whole thing is a visual delight.

Unfortunately I didn't realise till I'd done the tour that I could have taken photos! So the ones here are of the famous Emperor Fountain and a sculpture of some dogs just hanging around on an unexpected path.

It was a lovely day. We had lunch in what was once the stables and is now a lovely restaurant and gift shop, before we had the tour. On coming out the sunshine was glorious so a walk in the gardens seemed apt.

On returning home Kate dropped me off and I went into my house and all the lovely day fell away. I just felt lost and alone again.

It feels like I'm standing on a beach and the waves are lapping round my legs and every so often an unexpected big wave comes along and knocks me off my feet. I then have to get up from my soaking and carry on enjoying the little waves hoping there won't be another big one, but knowing there will be, I just don't know when.

In fact, there has just been a giant one hit me. I've been coping okay with the day and I've just had a phone call from the press, asking whether I want right of reply to the victims about my son's behaviour. This is way out of my comfort zone and I haven't a clue what to do, or say.

The victims think Al should be inside for longer, they think they should be paid compensation and they think that either Al or his family should apologise for what happened.

Now whilst I understand that what he did in causing criminal damage to their property, and common assault is absolutely horrid to deal with, I don't make the laws. I didn't decide to send him down and not issue a fine or decide the length of sentence.

I also know that for Alex to be able to move on in his future he has to accept responsibility for his actions. Whether that includes being strong enough to apologise is very much up to him. I really think it would be a hollow victory for them if I start apologising for him.

I do not like how my son has been in the last few years. And this year imparticular has been terribly difficult for me. But I haven't stopped loving him. Or having faith that he could turn things round. This he had started to do in the last three months. To the point that he was a joy to have around; chatty, affectionate and not much sign of his terrible bad temper.

I do empathise with the victims, I know I would be baying for blood if that had happened to anyone close to me. But I can't make it better for them. And I won't apologise for my son. I understand why he has been the way he has.

As far as I'm concerned the Judge has passed his verdict. I accept that Al was guilty and needed punishment as deemed fit by the law. But he is my son, and even though I accept what has been given to him I don't know what purpose it will serve,
as he had already turned himself around.Other than it being the law which I can't and don't want to argue with.

There are two choices ahead of him, walk away and learn from what he has done. Or blame others and become vindictive and start the life of a recidivist. And only he can decide which path to take.

Oh boy this was going to be a happy post about yesterday.... hey ho!
Any advice on dealing with the press will be gratefully received.

Gratiude

I am so tired
I am so sad
I am so broken.
But I am also so loved
and so cherished
by so many people
That even though it is going to be a tough few weeks
I know I will get through it because of that love
And I can't thank my friends and family enough for being there
I can never repay my debt of gratitude.

My son has been sent to prison for 16 weeks, gets out in 8 for good behaviour hopefully.

Bits and bobs about this and that!

This morning I've been to a village in the Peak Park called Whetton. It is the village nearest a fantastic place called Thor's Cave. I walked there in the summer with my friends as shown in the pics.

Today however was something else, the sun was still shinning but it came after torrential rain in the night and for the last few days. So the tiny roads going up and down dale to this village were an interesting journey of floods and leaf mulch in the middle of the road. They were all single track roads. It was an adventure.

I went there cause my walking friend has baked and baked enough to run a stall at the Christmas Fayre in the village. And I'd been in her house when the Christmas cakes were cooking! And she'd made some little ones just enough for one person to have four or five slices over the holiday season. Which definitely worked for me!

Yesterday in working hard at keeping busy I went and did Christmas shopping over at John Lewis. I normally hate shopping on a Saturday and won't do it. But needs must and whilst my mind is in neutral I could happily carry on preparing for Christmas.

Anyway the point of this bit was..... Father Christmas was there outside the dept store. But not only was he there, but so were two of his reindeer. What wonderful creatures they are. The two that came along to support FC were happy to be stroked and photographed by all. And to complete the scene along came Snow White. It was all just magical.

One of the things I got yesterday was a CD for me, ok I know it's not Christmas yet, but what the..... So this CD is a five disc compilation and has got me completely in it's thrall and I've only heard two discs so far. But to have my all time favourite piece of music, Albatross by Fleetwood Mac, alongside Frank Sinatra, Dave Brubeck, David Bowie is just delicious.

So I've been happily escaping into that, each new sound taking me to a different place in my memories.From sitting on my windowsill hidden behind the curtains, Albatross, to Sunday mornings with the family listening to Dean Martin, Frank et all to hearing Take 5 for the first time when drinking coke with a couple of likely lads when I was in my teens.

Another place for wonderful sounds is on my early morning walks with Trix. The bird song is lovely. And recently courtesy of the Crafty Green Poet I found a link to British birds courtesy of the RSPB. So I spent a happy evening listening to all the birds I know who are roundabout regularly. So now I know that the two birds that make me the happiest with their birdsong are the Mistle Thrush and the Chaffinch. And right now the Mistle Thrush, Blackbird and the Robin are just a joy as the dawn begins to break.

And finally and somewhat bizarrely.... it's no secret that my name is Mandy. It is to my knowledge totally a girls name. Excepting of course, the Prince of Darkness, Lord Mandleson(UK politician) is referred to occasionally in the press as Lord Mandy. But that aside my name is female. So why oh why go I get at least three times a day, spam suggesting that I might like to buy some Viagra? Apart from the fact of my femaleness, I also don't have a partner at all, never mind one who might find the little blue pill useful.

And why me? Why don't I get nice girly spam. I mean it's not too much to ask is it that the blanket coverage of the spam sender could be asked to differentiate between male and female names is it?

one foot in front of another

I can't allow myself to think.
I can't allow myself to feel
I can't allow myself to write
I can only talk about one thing
I can only just hold my fear at bay
I can only hope to God that it will be okay
I have to stay neutral about what will be
I have to continue to be strong
I have to
I just have to ....
there is no choice....
one foot in front of another
I've done it before
and no doubt I'll do it again.

Snow on December 1st

Tonight I got taken out for dinner. I was driven there, and paid for by my youngest son. And whilst we sat eating our food in Buxton the snow started. Despite my moaning in the last post about it there was something fitting and beautiful about snow on the 1st of December.It snowed all the way home over the top of the moors, but turned to rain as we hit the town we live in.