Wednesday, 30 December 2009
A letter to me....
On monday I wrote this to myself and sent it as an email to me. And although I'm now in a completely different place I thought it was worth putting here, in case it was any use to anyone else.
Monday 28th December
I'm writing this to you as I think you may need it. I know your feeling lost and lonely right now. And dreading taking K to the train station. But you know that you will be able to cope.This is the normal post Christmas flat zone!
And if you don't cope what then, you'll cry till you've no more tears to cry, you'll scream till your done.
You've just been storing up your feelings till Christmas is all over. The feelings of loss that were forced on you by A's absence.
But don't you see this is how it's going to feel. And in fact if you think back it's always been like this. Do you remember when you first lived in the R...s 20 years ago, and the days when you had to care for the kids, how lost you were. And even worse when W and M went after a weekends visit. For two pins then you'd have run up the track after them, not letting them go as you didn't want to feel that emptiness.
It is normal this feeling and it can't be escaped.So sometimes you hook into having it more than others, well do you? So you don't have a partner. But you only think about it in terms of a new romance, you don't think about the grind of being with someone when the relationship is failing. You've never had that, but don't for one minute don't think it doesn't happen. It does and you know that from listening to other people.
Everyone wants romance in their lives, but your the one saying the time isn't right. As you need to move first. Well if that is how you see it, then accept it and don't bother wasting energy hooking into being lonely without it.Your the one making the choices here!
And as for others?
How do you think J is coping today? Yes she will see her daughter and co but she also has the knowledge that she may not see her son in Oz for TWO years. You will see A in FOUR WEEKS and K is just a train ride away.
So we come onto your other fear and that's the weather.
Well the priority here is to keep safe. Nothing else matters end of!
Your dog will just have to cope if it's too icy for you to walk, the garden will just need regular clearing up, and so on. That is small potatoes in comparison to breaking another bone way over on the field at W... and not having anyone know your there.
You know you are responsible for making your own social life buzz, so do it! Fix up to do things with people and then relish the time at home. You have a book that needs writing, do it. You have a house that definitely needs spring cleaning, so do it.
DON'T BE A MARTYR! it's just another wave and it will pass.
Take a deep breath and move your body and so your mind into a different place.
And remember you are loved very much by me. And also your sons, your sis, s and t, and all your wonderful friends love you, and they are there for you if you let them be. GOT THAT!!!!!