Wednesday, 30 December 2009

A letter to me....

On monday I wrote this to myself and sent it as an email to me. And although I'm now in a completely different place I thought it was worth putting here, in case it was any use to anyone else.

Monday 28th December

Dear byrd,
I'm writing this to you as I think you may need it. I know your feeling lost and lonely right now. And dreading taking K to the train station. But you know that you will be able to cope.This is the normal post Christmas flat zone!

And if you don't cope what then, you'll cry till you've no more tears to cry, you'll scream till your done.
You've just been storing up your feelings till Christmas is all over. The feelings of loss that were forced on you by A's absence.

But don't you see this is how it's going to feel. And in fact if you think back it's always been like this. Do you remember when you first lived in the R...s 20 years ago, and the days when you had to care for the kids, how lost you were. And even worse when W and M went after a weekends visit. For two pins then you'd have run up the track after them, not letting them go as you didn't want to feel that emptiness.

It is normal this feeling and it can't be escaped.So sometimes you hook into having it more than others, well do you? So you don't have a partner. But you only think about it in terms of a new romance, you don't think about the grind of being with someone when the relationship is failing. You've never had that, but don't for one minute don't think it doesn't happen. It does and you know that from listening to other people.

Everyone wants romance in their lives, but your the one saying the time isn't right. As you need to move first. Well if that is how you see it, then accept it and don't bother wasting energy hooking into being lonely without it.Your the one making the choices here!

And as for others?
How do you think J is coping today? Yes she will see her daughter and co but she also has the knowledge that she may not see her son in Oz for TWO years. You will see A in FOUR WEEKS and K is just a train ride away.

So we come onto your other fear and that's the weather.
Well the priority here is to keep safe. Nothing else matters end of!

Your dog will just have to cope if it's too icy for you to walk, the garden will just need regular clearing up, and so on. That is small potatoes in comparison to breaking another bone way over on the field at W... and not having anyone know your there.

You know you are responsible for making your own social life buzz, so do it! Fix up to do things with people and then relish the time at home. You have a book that needs writing, do it. You have a house that definitely needs spring cleaning, so do it.

DON'T BE A MARTYR! it's just another wave and it will pass.
Take a deep breath and move your body and so your mind into a different place.

And remember you are loved very much by me. And also your sons, your sis, s and t, and all your wonderful friends love you, and they are there for you if you let them be. GOT THAT!!!!!
All love


trousers said...

Can't add anything since this is your letter to you - except that I agree with what you've written.


Rach said...

Mandy, thanks for sharing that, it's something we would all do well to do ourselves at certain times in our lives...thinking of you and Happy New Year sweet!..xx

Zan said...

This freaked me out first because two days ago I began a letter to myself beginning exactly like yours saying 'Dear Zan. I'm writing this to you because I think you may need it."
Except once I had written half I started crying so much and ended up deleting the whole thing.
So your letter in itself didn't freak me, just the coincidence and perhaps this serves as a reminder that I really should write a letter to myself.

I agree whole heartedly with what you said to yourself. Of course, you couldn't have said it better =)
4 weeks will fly by, in particular if you have a book to write and spring cleaning to do.

Thank you for sharing this.
Many hugs coming your way.


miss*R said...

a beautiful letter which yes, I am sure would apply to many of us with a few changes here or there...
your words sound so similar to words I write to myself in my journal...

PS to the letter:
next year Pix, I promise will be better for both of us.. let us hold hands and skip into the New Year with total gratitude for surviving all that was hurled at usin 2009 and with joy for what is to come in 2010 xo....

Anonymous said...

hugs as always

you will get through these weeks just like you have got through everything else.

I can totally relate to wanting a partner especially at this time of year. But this year I decided to be happy with the people I already have around me ..........for the first time I felt ok about being single at christmas and I am so much happier for not fretting over it.

The time for new romance will come for each of us when the time is right. You need to get yourself and A sorted before your new romance can come for you.

keep yourself occupied and A will soon be home giving you more grief (because thats what sons do for us)

btw it was lovely to hear your voice the other day

hugs again


tattytiara said...

That's a great, open dialogue to have with yourself. As long as the lines of communication stay open everything's going in the right direction.

lakeviewer said...

Yeah! You have some excellent advice there for yourself.

Merry ME said...

I'm guessing you don't have a lot to clean that hasn't been dusted and shined twice before. But if will help you are welcome to fly across the sea and help me!

Seriously, writing a letter to yourself is a great idea. Thanks for posting it for all of us to learn from.

Put your hopes and dreams out into the world and believe they will come true. A year from now we'll have fun reliving the magic.

Lyn said...

Mandy - I've done this myself -- in fact I feel as though my whole blog is one big letter to myself! But you are right in that it has to start with love for yourself ... you've counted your blessings, which are many an come clean about your fears and worries. Now you can just let go and have faith that life is definitely due to get better in 2010. I can see the pendulum swinging back ... : ) Cheers and Hugs Mandy!

Lori ann said...

Yes my dear friend, you do have that right, all the ones who love you. The rest is not worth making you sad.
I'm sorry to have been absent, I own you a mail, it'll come. But know I think about you all the time (carrying my little pink heart with me everywhere) and wishing all good things for you and your sweet boys too.
Happy New Year honey!

Angela said...

And I am carrying mine, and I`m one of those who know and love you, so don`t feel low. You are rich in so many ways! And this coming year will bring wonderful and exciting changes. Believe in it! Happy New Year! How about planning another trip to Germany? Hamburg this time perhaps?

Paula said...

Reading that you wrote to yourself made me grin as I just had written a letter to myself asoyu know. LIke others, I carry my pink little heart with me, reminding me of our unexpected friendship. Hugs

nitebyrd said...

I know you wrote it to yourself but I sure needed it! Thank you, beautiful Byrd! :-*

Have a wonderful New Year, may 2010 bring you love and peace!

Helen said...

A great idea for ending the year! More of us should do this ... I have already begun to think about what mine might sound like.

Ranks right up there with writing down everything about 2009 you want to be GONE in 2010 .... and then shredding it!!!

Joanna Cake said...

We should all do those now and again! Wishing you a Happy New Year and hope that 2010 is the start of the way forward x

Grammy said...

I love how you worked this out with your self. I in the past have been at a point way deeper in despair. It was gratitude that helped get back into this world. I had to be thankful for what I have and release all that is gone. I was lonely even with hubby. Who watches tv. But my final break through was from the book the untethered soul. I read some of it at google library. And I will order it in Jan. But it helped me to realize all the comments in my head are not me. The voice that junps to conclusions. It is my inner critic. In the book he calls it you room mate. And that word lit a light bulb in my head of freedom. I will not listen when it says you can not do it. I will now try and see for my self. I will not sit here and let life pass by any more. I still have some fears that are keeping me from desires. But I am not ready to change every thing in my life. Just things that are negative will go away. And that creates contentment with what I have. As I suppress desire.

May your new year be filled with all you need. Contentment is a great word. But do not let it suppress all your desires for a better life.

Mel said...

Very good!

I've set my plans for the evening with a very wee person and a very old Brit. *laughing* Well, older than me--so that counts as very old, right?

And you see me author to me over and over and over again at the weblog--so don't you dare feel silly for doing the same. Or..if you do, at least you can rest knowing your with me for company in the 'silliness'?

((((((((((( the byrdie )))))))))))

It's almost here--this New Year.
HAPPY HAPPY 2010 to you, ma'am.
I look forward to another year with your glorious presence!


MarmiteToasty said...

I LOVE this, could of almost written it meself :)...

fanks for sharing this....


Sorrow said...

yes mam! I got that!