FLYING AWAY....... again!!!!!

It was all going to be beautifully paced today. As ever I had it sorted out in my head so it would run like clockwork.... Best laid plans of mice and men though got in the way!

Which has meant an extra two and a half hours in a car that was thinking about breaking down, so had to be driven very slowly. This meant all the wonderful sunshine has gone to waste, so no walk for me and eldest.

It's meant scrabbling around trying to sort out transport for tomorrow, hurrah for brother in law who's lending eldest his car for a couple of hours to take me to the airport.......

..... Cause I'm off again!!!!!!

To Philadelphia for the New Year. My mate and I have it all planned, no drunken parties where I try and snog total strangers this year for me. This year we are going to stock the fridge with goodies, get the champagne on ice, order in loads of DVDs and we may stay in our PJs all day if the mood takes us!

And do what we always do talk and read, with the occasional tarot reading thrown in for good measure. As I've said before I've been so many times to stay with Eve that I have no need to go anywhere , except the book store to get in a big enough pile of books to keep me going for a week, which will be about 4/5 books

I had also planned to write a long post..... but gotta pack and de-stress myself after this afternoons car journey.

I'll be back next weekend, but if I don't sleep whilst away I'll probably spend too much time here as well.

Nevertheless whatever I end up doing I want to wish that everyone who reads this, particularly the ones that comment a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And I look forward to us continuing to get to know each other next year.

The photograph was taken by my friend when we were out walking last Wednesday with a decent camera! As opposed to my phone which is what I take all my pics on.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A PEACEFUL NEW YEAR

I've been thinking about why I wasn't getting excited about Christmas, and all the usual answers came up, as in age, amount of effort and all sorts of boring answers.

Then this morning I woke up at 6.30 knowing I had to get up and go to Sainsbury's and whadda yer know I was excited, really excited about going shopping. And shopping for food at that!!! I think it was to do with it still being very dark and so early it felt a challenge to be leaving the house at 7am to do the half hour drive to the supermarket of choice. It had been open from 6am. By 8am I'd finished my shopping and decided I deserved breakfast so went to the cafe for a full English breakfast, which is a very rare thing for me to indulge in.

By 9am I was home and still excited, so I set to and made a ton of pastry before hitting the shops again, this time for such diverse things as birdseed for the garden birds, a whole pile of dollars and a new lipstick for me!

Back home to make 2 dozen mince pies, and then the real excitement of the day as I went to Stoke station to pick up my eldest son....... Now I know why I woke up so happy!!

So putting him in front of said mince pies I popped out to meet a mate for a present exchange.

Now I get to cook prawn curry for both my boys before they hit the hotspots of town.... as if we had any. And I get to wrap their presents in their absence.

And what has really made me cheerful to day is that a lot of the shops I've been in recently haven't had any fruit gums, the sweets that both my sons adore, and the local newsagent had 14 packets and now I have them! Ready to help Father Christmas put in their stockings. The same stockings I have told them they are both too old for and really they can't expect F.C. to keep visiting at their age.... YES!

What occurred to me today is how I find the Christmas magic and it's in getting food and making it from scratch, it gives me so much pleasure. So tomorrow when I'm listening to carols on the radio I'll prepare the vegetables and start making the apple trifle, and no doubt I'll be as happy as I have been today sifting the flour and fats when I made the pastry.

Which made me think about what made the magic for me as a child, and even then it was the simple things, like the sparkly plastic high heels that just had two strips of elastic over them to keep them on. And if I got a pair of those I was so happy.

Getting an Advent Calender, that one hasn't changed I still have to have one as you can see by the photograph.

Putting my empty stocking on my bed and once Father Christmas had been, even when I knew who it was really, the excitement of feeling that strange weight on the end of my bed.

My sister coming into my room and climbing into bed with me and us opening our stockings together only to be yelled at by our parents to go back to sleep.

The eating of the same breakfast that had to be consumed before anyone was allowed a present. My children and I hold the same tradition of eating a piece of home cooked ham on toast before anyone is allowed in the sitting room

And so on through the day. It is these little things that made up family life that made my Christmas and still do. I have very few recollections of the presents I got. I just remember the lovely Christmas atmosphere that went on till the evening. When we could collapse in front of the television. Which I suppose explains why Christmas evening is the low point of the day.

I wish anyone who reads this a really HAPPY CHRISTMAS and a Wonderful New Year.
And even if that time is spent alone, I can only recommend what I do times I'm alone like New Year, and that is to plan little treats for yourself through the day. Whether those are simple pleasures like a bubble bath or a walk, to a half a bottle of champagne, possibly drunk whilst in the bath.... well it works for me!

We are all part of the same world whatever are creed or religion and I wish for peace between us all and tolerance of difference and not fear for the following year.

THE GUILTY NINCOMPOOPS!!!!!

I was going to talk about how very odd my sons are at the moment, but I've realised I know where they get it from, so I'm going to confess to our mutual madness. So that someone can do us a family package of treatment! Which of course may work out cheaper than individual locking up in a cell wearing straight jackets.

So starting with me..... How come when I was unpacking the shopping, did I have some paper rubbish in one hand and the new pack of butter in the other find it necessary to throw the butter in the bin and retain the rubbish? I heard the thump as the butter hit the bottom of the fortunately empty bin. I stood there trying to work out why the paper had made that noise????? I looked down to my hands and had a eureka moment of understanding! Rescued the butter, fortunately still in its wrapper! Wiped it off and took the wrapper of quick before anyone saw what had happened...... I was alone in the house! And put it on the ready butter dish. I even managed to put the rubbish along with the now empty wrapper in the bin..... Hey Ho!

Moving on to eldest son, who as you know lives in London. He sent me a text yesterday morning. He and his house mate were returning from a party in Golders Green to where they lived in Ealing and eldest suggested that they see, as it was before 7am, which was the most efficient route back on the tube home (I'm sure the before 7am is significant but no idea what!). The potential route has many changes and it fairly complicated but they go on with it. My son texts me at 10am as he is still riding the tube, having first sailed past his stop in Northfields to the end of the line at Heathrow as he was asleep. Only to then go to Hype Park Corner, still asleep. Followed by a journey the wrong way to the other end of the line to Uxbridge sleeping. So he definitely proved that his friends route was the shorter as his mate had been asleep in his bed for two hours whilst he tried very hard to stay awake long enough to get off the damned tube, before he was chucked off for being a vagrant!!!!

And the last bit of insanity..... Youngest son, on getting home in the evening always goes to watch television for a while before bed. He quite often falls asleep downstairs, and if I wake up in the night I sometimes go and chase him upstairs to bed. However Friday night, I slept through to wake in the morning and go down to do my normal sorting out to start the day with a tidy house. I know I've got OCD but I just don't like plates and shoes all over my living room.

I always plump the sofa cushions up, so my sofa looks inviting and squishy to sit on. Only to realise that something was seriously wrong. I went charging upstairs to interrogate the offender, who had no waking recollection of what he'd done, but had a vague semi sleeping thought about what he'd done. The little bugger had got up from the sofa to go to bed, and got lost between the sofa and the toilet (about a 10 step journey!) and had opened his flies where he thought the toilet was and pissed all over my sofa in his sleep!!!!!

All of these events happened sometime Saturday morning, was there something in the air or.....

are we all barmy and it's obvious to me that the mother is to blame!!

LIFE THAT NIBBLES AWAY AT ME

There are just times when what is going on around for people I care about, that I could just howl with sadness.
My friend D's mother died totally unexpectedly this week. He has to come back for her funeral on Christmas Eve.
I have three girlfriends whose mums are seriously ill and they are hanging on by their finger tips to life for now.
I have a sister who has been ill for weeks now, as have so many people with some virus or another that just won't go away. And she has no energy to function.
I have an eldest son who didn't get the job he's pinned his hopes on and he's doing his best to cope with this endless rejection.
I have clients who are having to face themselves because of the nature of the work we are doing together. And although this is a good thing it's hard doing at this time of year when every ones stress levels are up anyway.


And then there is me.... I've been running so hard for the last two months, staying so busy, having a wonderful time. I'm exhausted, but that's not because of the wonderful time, it's because I've been hiding from myself. I know I have an exciting and frenetic social life, but there is a reason why I have it

I live by the rule book that says you are a very happy content person. And you know what it's not totally true all the time. Cause actually I'm lonely. And I know I am so privileged to have the wonderful friends I have. But it's not friends I'm lonely for.

I would so like that special person in my life that I could snuggle up with on the sofa and talk over the days events. That person that would be in the kitchen with me as we dance around one another preparing a meal together. That person who would put their arms round me, just because.

And what is utterly terrifying is that I won't ever have another person in my life like that and I will have to find the wherewithal not to mind for as long as.
I have two women friends ten years older than me, both in their mid 60s and most of the time they like me, cope. And I look to them as role models of how it might be when I get to their age.
But I also know they both yearn not to be alone to.
And that makes me realise what a struggle I have ahead to learn to be ok alone.

I know all of this rambling has happened cause I'm tired and this is such a sad time of year for far too many people. And I could even cry for the ducks that didn't get any crumbs yesterday. I also know that tomorrow I will feel fine again, and put the lid on my loneliness till it comes along and bites me next time.

And that just owning it here helps to let it go, which allows me to get back to the enthusiastic byrd I am most of the time..... Just sometimes eh!

A STORY FOR CHRISTMAS

Last Christmas I tried my hand at writing short stories here. I'd written a few blue ones but wanted to see if I could do a suitable one for the season. So this year I thought I'd have another go as I so enjoyed doing it last year. So here goes, don't know how long this will be or what will happen as I only have the opening line in my head. But if you can be bothered this is it.



She woke up, stretched and smiled remembering the last few dying moments of her dream. Then reality set in, her smile disappeared and those lovely thoughts slid out of the window just as fast.

It was coming up to Christmas, she hadn't got the time to be lying in bed, there was so much to be done that she hadn't yet achieved. But it was so difficult this year. In years gone by she would have been so organised weeks before.

Cards, would be written, presents, would all be ready to wrap and send. Menus for the many meals required would be written down so that she could shop efficiently.

The only thing she'd done this year was to have got the tree. That made her smile,however bad it was she could still capture the childhood magic of the twinkling lights, baubles and tinsel. The hope and excitement of decorating it. She'd got very fussy about how the tree should be decorated and it was still true today that the order had to be followed. Everyone had always commented on her trees.They looked the way trees should. And they were always real, even though now it was a bit of a ridiculous expense nowadays, it gave her pleasure. And that was surely in short supply this year.

Getting out of bed, she made her way downstairs and put the kettle on, but instead of taking it back to bed she went into the living room. If she was lucky there would be some embers she could poke into life in the fire. She'd worry later about cleaning out the ashes. Her luck was in the fire lit, so sticking a couple of logs on the fire she sat down to enjoy it's warmth on this chilly morning.

She went to turn the lights on the tree, so she could stare at it for a moment or two, in the hope that the sight would inspire her to get motivated to do her chores. The tree worked it's magic and she became more peaceful than of late. So gathering herself up she went upstairs to dress and get ready to tackle the tasks ahead.

With this new found sense of peace, she decided to go out into the village and have a coffee and cake for breakfast as her normal bowl of cereals did not appeal somehow. And it was nearly Christmas she whispered to herself as she let herself out of the door.

But before this treat she must get her shopping, so visiting the bakery, the green grocer and all the other places to pick up her daily requirements she soon had a full basket, and she made her way to the coffee shop.

The smell was lovely of fresh ground coffee and pastries. She chose to have a home made mince pie, after all it was the right time of year.

Sitting down in her favourite spot in the window she allowed herself to watch the passers by and do what she always did and imagine what sort of lives they all had.... There was the man , who she felt sure had been in the services he carried himself so well,he had a quiet dignity about him. There was her favourite young mum with her baby going past, chatting to each other and smiling and talking lovely nonsensical baby talk together. Then her friend came into view, she tapped on the glass and waved indicating the coffee. Her friend mimed back that she was going to the bank and would be back in five.

Oh she was relieved, although she normally loved people watching this was a difficult time of year to do it when she was on her own. She knew that the tears of loneliness weren't too far under the surface, and now she could push them away whilst she had a natter with her friend.

Later, letting herself into her little cottage, it was all she could do to empty her shopping basket and put things away. The isolation that she felt just overwhelmed her. What was she going to do. How was she going to cope with this ordeal.

Never before in her life had she felt Christmas to be an ordeal, even in the difficult years after her husband died the children had been around, but now they were far away, one of them with his wife and new baby, so she understood that they couldn't get down to see her. And she knew that her daughter in law had her mum staying with her so she wasn't needed.

As for her eldest he was abroad, and had been for several months now with his job.And although he emailed and phoned her lots it wasn't the same as seeing him.

This wasn't doing any good at all, she couldn't give in to this behaviour, after all she had a lovely little home, she had her cat to talk to. She had enough money for her needs all in all she was just being silly.

Suddenly and almost imperceptibly she could hear Christmas music coming from somewhere, it seemed to be getting louder, getting up she went to the window, and outside was a large horse drawn sleigh blaring out carols. Father Christmas was on the sleigh, she smiled delighted and rushed to the door with her purse. She knew it was the local charity group collecting but for her the simple pleasure of seeing Santa made her happy.

People were in costumes of fairies and elves going up to every ones front door with their collecting buckets.She was delighted to give what she could.

It had really brightened her up, yes she was alone but that didn't mean she had to be miserable. She didn't register the phone ringing for a moment lost in her reverie. But the persistent ringing finally got through and she rushed to answer it before the answer phone clicked in.

It was her youngest son, what a lovely surprise. He wanted to tell her again about his wonderful new baby. His excitement at becoming a father was infectious. He wanted her to go and visit,could she come up on the 27th and stay for a week with them.

This took her breath away at the thought of him , well both of them, wanting her to go and visit. This was going to make Christmas totally different after all.

She went back into the living room smiling and thinking about how this was turning into a red letter day after all, and that it couldn't get any better.

Later that evening with the curtains closed against the chill she sat with the cat on her knee enjoying the firelight and the twinkling lights sparkling on the tree, when the door bell rang.

She wasn't expecting anyone, but maybe it was some carol singers, she got to the door and she could hear one voice singing we wish you a Merry Christmas, it had to be said the voice was a little out of tune. Opening the door, she realised why it was out of tune as there in front of her stood her eldest son smiling down at her.

Hello Mum, he said as she just stared at him speechlessly as the tears started to pour down her face, and he enfolded her in a huge hug.

It was just going to be the best Christmas ever after all.

THE WEEKEND!

I'm back and a tad fragile!!!
I should be writing my Christmas cards. I should be wrapping presents. I should be doing all sorts of things that I think I'm too exhausted to do, which makes me wonder what I think this is, a walk in the park?

Anyway I wanted to say thank you for all your lovely comments that I'm too idle to answer so all have a huge hug from me, especially Cheeky Dani, as a new reader. Lovely to meet you!

I seem to be having an interesting case of crossed wires with Trixie, she reads a blog leaves a comment and they try and get back to her, and the comment lands on my blog. This had happened in the past a couple of times but I'd never really thought about why the comments didn't make any sense. But I've now had a few together and realised that is isn't me losing the plot, there is something weird going on. Course I'm such a blog tart that I just love getting new readers!

So I've let Trix know and if anyone else is experiencing this interesting challenge what did you do about it?

Before the weekend stuff, was in the garage paying for fuel on Friday and they were selling CREAM EGGS..... what the .....

Now to the weekend, I've just had a fab time. Got to my friends M&N on Friday evening. This involved champagne.... too much for me, so what's new there! and great conversation.

Next morning a brazing walk on Exmouth beach with M and the delightful fluffy Sassy, who's a lovely standard poodle. This meant that Sassy and I raced around the beach whilst M just looked at me as if I was demented!

We prepared the canapes in the afternoon,Blinis, smoked salmon, caviar were my fav. So getting them made meant quite a lot of tasting to see that we had them exactly right.

The guest list in the way of these things started to shrink as people phoned up sick at so it became a select group. The guys looking seriously smart in their black ties and DJs and all us ladies in fab dresses and some serious shoes!

Everyone had to bring the ingredients for their speciality cocktail that they would make to demand whatever state they were in!!!

The entertainment was booked for 8,and at the appointed hour Laurel and Hardy turned up for a wonderful half hour performance of complete incompetence and daftness as only they knew how. In real life these are two military guys who do this act for charity.

Because we were a small group, M had decided we needed to show off our complete gorgeousness so a mini bus was booked to take us to The Royal Clarence Hotel in Exeter, place owned by Michel Caine, where we just had to have two(more) bottles of Champagne for a hour then returning back for more cocktails dancing and conversation.

The dancing went on till 3am.... And I for some reason, decided that I needed to clear up..... M had crashed and N was even more wasted than I was.
So before I went to bed the house was tidied. My OCD is getting worse!!

This morning it did feel better that there was no plates of food lying around drying out or half drunk drinks that were delicious the night before and the stuff of nightmares at 10am!

So now I'm home and feeling just a little jaded, my excuse is it's a four drive home and nothing to do with my alcohol intake.

Pics are of Exmouth beach after the storm the night before. Got none of the party, too busy enjoying myself.

Now I've just gotta wait till the next party next Sunday, and that's only an hours drive away!

MY FIRST BLACK TIE PARTY EVER

Unbelievably I'm going to my very first black tie do on Saturday night.
I'm going down to Devon tomorrow to stay with my old school friend and she is holding the party. So I get to wear my very fab party frock.
So I thought I'd just leave some New York pics for your perusal whilst I'm away




At the subway station in Queens with views into Manhattan.


Brooklyn Bridge with Manhattan Bridge behind it.


Brooklyn Bridge with Manhattan Bridge Behind it


The Rockefeller Building that we went to the top of all 66 floors!


The Empire State from the Top of the Rock


A Yellow cab outside the Guggenheim


A Dinosaur Christmas tree outside the natural History Museum


I like the juxtaposition of the tree with the high rise behind it

.

A LITTLE CHURCH WITH THE BIGGEST HEART

Teddy Bears are very important to me. They have been since I was a child.Then all my imaginary games would involve the characters that my bears were. I was never into dolls, they annoyed me. But anything I could cuddle and tell my troubles to was alright with me.

Nowadays I have four bears that sit at the side of my bed and a cat, who I think is grey and who my sons tell me is purple, who sits on one of the bears legs.

These friends see me through all those times when life sucks and I cry my eyes out. When there is no-one else around and the pain of keeping the words in gets too much and so I tell the bears.

Armed with this knowledge of what bears are capable of I have always used bears in my working life. It used to be that I had a therapy bear that would accompany me to work to be on hand for any client that needed his support.( Bears are always male, cats female.... I don't know why either!)

But latterly I discuss the use of bears with my clients. It's when I'm talking about letting go of their feelings, as in expressing their anger in a healthier way than perhaps they've been using, as in getting a punch bag and letting go of that physical and mental energy that makes up rage.

And then discussing how they are going to let go of their pain. The pain that you hug your arms around yourself and talk in a small voice about it not being fair. The pain that needs to be said for a release of feelings to feel better.

So I suggest to all the clients, male and female when I'm helping them find another way that they need a friend. The friend they need will listen to them 24/7, will give them a hug for as long as they need, will not mind getting wet with tears, and this friend is a bear.

It has to be said by the time I tell people this they are ready to hear it and do not roll their eyes and think I've lost the plot. They understand the value of talking, and more importantly perhaps of being heard. The need to let go of the voices in our heads is vital to emotional and psychological well being.

And frankly not many of us have real friends who we will bother 24 hours a day when we feel overwhelmed with emotional shit.Human beings are all very good at being there for other people. How many times have you said to someone, call me anytime day or night and meant it. And how many times when you have felt desperate have you been able to lift up that phone and say please help?

We don't do it, even though the people who love us would hate to think of us being in pain and would be there like a shot, we hook into not wanting to bother anyone.
And so the bear comes into his own. Why? Because when we were tiny and our parents put us into our cots at night most people got a bear or something similar popped into the bed to act as a companion through the night as we learnt to cope on our own.

And what has all this got to do with the picture of the Church at the top?

This is St Paul's, it is in the heart of the financial district of New York, it is completely surrounded by skyscrapers of which the biggest was it's immediate neighbour the World Trade Centre.

Literally at the end of the graveyard and across the road was one of the twin towers. And despite the devastation done to those buildings and many surrounding St Paul's did not get damaged at all. Which I think says something more profound than I have the ability to comment on, I'll leave that to people of faith. But even I thought that God moves in mysterious ways on this occasion.

So St Paul's became a place of refuge for the many construction workers and firefighters who worked round the clock in those first days trying to find anyone left alive in the aftermath of what had happened. It became a safe place, and slowly people from around America, especially children started sending drawings to help cheer these exhausted men up. They started to receive candy and soft toys.

So each night cots were set up inside this humble little Church for these men and under each pillow was a packet of candy and a bear. Almost as if by giving these men something of the safety of their childhoods they could help them face what they were facing day after day.

Last week I went to ground zero, there is nothing to see anymore it's a building site, but D did take me into this Church, and I carefully studied every piece of display, reading it with quietness and respect. Until I came to the bear tribute, then I could no longer stop my tears.

You may think I'm completely soppy or stupid, doesn't matter, I don't need your approval here. What I found was something that resonated with me back to the days of my early childhood and ever since. And I for one felt that if any of those roughty toughty men was able to make use of a friend in the night then maybe the world wasn't such a bad place to be in, when they were dealing with so much death and carnage during the day

A DRUNKEN PARTY POST.

Words appear to have disappeared.... I wonder how that happened?
maybe the cold light of sobriety woke me up to the more than usual drivel

So to entertain you here instead is a picture of New York..... Have I told you how wonderful it is??????

JUST A FLAVOUR OF THE WONDERS OF NEW YORK

Stonework on one of the bridges in Central Park.

The ceiling in the Guggenheim, astonishing building.

A room size Monet,at MOMA, very beautiful,made me cry with its depth.


I'm Back!!!!
And right now I'm coping on pieces of toast and coffee to keep me awake till around 8 tonight when I'll crash out. If I make it till then, I'll have been up for over 30 hours..... I don't do sleeping on the plane.

So this post may not make a great deal of sense, as I'm away with the fairies and buzzing on coffee.

As you can see I've changed all my pics on my header and side bar, I have sixty of them to play with over the coming weeks!

What can I say about New York....... what an experience we've had. This trip was devoted to really exploring Manhattan and doing grown up things without children.

We went on bus trips, uptown to Harlem, downtown and over the Brooklyn Bridge, incidentally the longest suspension bridge in the world, according to the guide. We went on a boat trip from 42nd Street pier round to the opposite side of the island, taking in the Statue Of Liberty, Ellis Island, Lower Manhattan, and the bridges.

We visited the Guggenheim, MOMA and the Met, all fantastic with their particular takes on art.

We ate out all the time as proper New Yorkers do, which meant breakfast in Queens in a local diner before we hit the city for that days adventures. We would then walk and walk and walk..... And even with my sensible footwear I wore the heels out in my boots and finally got blisters.

Then we would pop back to the apartment for a rest before going back out for the evening.

I've been to Harlem, East Side, West Side, Central Park, SOHO, NOHO, Chelsea, Ground Zero, Greenwich, Union Square,the Top of the Rock (Rockerfellor Tower) Lexington Ave, Madison, Ave, Park Ave and of course 5th Ave, where there are the most unbelievable shops I've ever seen in such a concentrated area.

There are lots of posts coming about some of these experiences,because of the impact they have had on me. Particularly St Paul's Church, which is next to ground zero and played a massive role in supporting people who were working during that terrible time.

On the Friday I travelled in from Queens by myself and got myself down to Chelsea to meet Eve, my Philly mate, who couldn't resist coming to spend a day with me. Her brother in law lent us his studio for the day as a base. So we had to as well as shop and eat, share a bottle of champagne before dinner in his apartment!

The last night D and I celebrated our successful holiday by finishing our evening in the Algonquin for cocktails..... a real piece of history that's beautifully restored.

I went alone on the buses,subway I worked out how to get around.

And I was truly and unexpectedly amazed at the friendliness of the citizens of NY. So many people will look you in the eye and smile and say a greeting. And if you sit still for long enough on a bus, you'll have made best friend with someone going across town.

I've come back buzzing there are so many memories to sort out and re-consider.

It was just amazing really amazing!!!!!