Thursday, 18 December 2008
LIFE THAT NIBBLES AWAY AT ME
There are just times when what is going on around for people I care about, that I could just howl with sadness.
My friend D's mother died totally unexpectedly this week. He has to come back for her funeral on Christmas Eve.
I have three girlfriends whose mums are seriously ill and they are hanging on by their finger tips to life for now.
I have a sister who has been ill for weeks now, as have so many people with some virus or another that just won't go away. And she has no energy to function.
I have an eldest son who didn't get the job he's pinned his hopes on and he's doing his best to cope with this endless rejection.
I have clients who are having to face themselves because of the nature of the work we are doing together. And although this is a good thing it's hard doing at this time of year when every ones stress levels are up anyway.
And then there is me.... I've been running so hard for the last two months, staying so busy, having a wonderful time. I'm exhausted, but that's not because of the wonderful time, it's because I've been hiding from myself. I know I have an exciting and frenetic social life, but there is a reason why I have it
I live by the rule book that says you are a very happy content person. And you know what it's not totally true all the time. Cause actually I'm lonely. And I know I am so privileged to have the wonderful friends I have. But it's not friends I'm lonely for.
I would so like that special person in my life that I could snuggle up with on the sofa and talk over the days events. That person that would be in the kitchen with me as we dance around one another preparing a meal together. That person who would put their arms round me, just because.
And what is utterly terrifying is that I won't ever have another person in my life like that and I will have to find the wherewithal not to mind for as long as.
I have two women friends ten years older than me, both in their mid 60s and most of the time they like me, cope. And I look to them as role models of how it might be when I get to their age.
But I also know they both yearn not to be alone to.
And that makes me realise what a struggle I have ahead to learn to be ok alone.
I know all of this rambling has happened cause I'm tired and this is such a sad time of year for far too many people. And I could even cry for the ducks that didn't get any crumbs yesterday. I also know that tomorrow I will feel fine again, and put the lid on my loneliness till it comes along and bites me next time.
And that just owning it here helps to let it go, which allows me to get back to the enthusiastic byrd I am most of the time..... Just sometimes eh!