Thursday, 18 December 2008

LIFE THAT NIBBLES AWAY AT ME



There are just times when what is going on around for people I care about, that I could just howl with sadness.
My friend D's mother died totally unexpectedly this week. He has to come back for her funeral on Christmas Eve.
I have three girlfriends whose mums are seriously ill and they are hanging on by their finger tips to life for now.
I have a sister who has been ill for weeks now, as have so many people with some virus or another that just won't go away. And she has no energy to function.
I have an eldest son who didn't get the job he's pinned his hopes on and he's doing his best to cope with this endless rejection.
I have clients who are having to face themselves because of the nature of the work we are doing together. And although this is a good thing it's hard doing at this time of year when every ones stress levels are up anyway.


And then there is me.... I've been running so hard for the last two months, staying so busy, having a wonderful time. I'm exhausted, but that's not because of the wonderful time, it's because I've been hiding from myself. I know I have an exciting and frenetic social life, but there is a reason why I have it

I live by the rule book that says you are a very happy content person. And you know what it's not totally true all the time. Cause actually I'm lonely. And I know I am so privileged to have the wonderful friends I have. But it's not friends I'm lonely for.

I would so like that special person in my life that I could snuggle up with on the sofa and talk over the days events. That person that would be in the kitchen with me as we dance around one another preparing a meal together. That person who would put their arms round me, just because.

And what is utterly terrifying is that I won't ever have another person in my life like that and I will have to find the wherewithal not to mind for as long as.
I have two women friends ten years older than me, both in their mid 60s and most of the time they like me, cope. And I look to them as role models of how it might be when I get to their age.
But I also know they both yearn not to be alone to.
And that makes me realise what a struggle I have ahead to learn to be ok alone.

I know all of this rambling has happened cause I'm tired and this is such a sad time of year for far too many people. And I could even cry for the ducks that didn't get any crumbs yesterday. I also know that tomorrow I will feel fine again, and put the lid on my loneliness till it comes along and bites me next time.

And that just owning it here helps to let it go, which allows me to get back to the enthusiastic byrd I am most of the time..... Just sometimes eh!

23 comments:

Lori ann said...

Fire Byrd, oh sweet sweet lady, please don't say never. Please don't close that door, it could happen, it will happen, keep open to it. I wish so much for you and i know just how you feel. EVERYONE deserves that special someone to be there through everything. A friend,lover,companion,shoulder... you are only what 60 something?Dear FB you are soooo young! I am going to say a little prayer now, be open to it! he's out there waiting for you too!!

Fire Byrd said...

Lori, thanks so much for that lovely message of support.
And BTW I'm 54!

miss*R said...

sometimes when you are sad and tired, it does you good to just get it out like you did here.. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could read into.. then maybe i could see something ahead. Just keep wishing with all your heart and surely it will happen, when you least expect it.

Sage said...

{{hugs}} after putting my last dog to sleep Oct 07, I thought.. right that's it on my own now and accepted it, had ways of managing with events like birthdays and christmas with friends and what remaining family I had. Then in January met up with a club colleague, who I had known for 18 months, we hit it off straight away and now we are very happy together. I hope for you to find the special person you would like, it might be in the most unlikely place but I feel sure he is out there somewhere for you.

karen said...

Dear slightly less cheerful-byrd, hope you are feeling a bit better now... know how it is when you feel the pain of the world. So sorry to hear about your friends' sadnesses, and your sister. And I hope when you feel a bit more "up" again, that you won't be ruling out the possibility of a special One out there somewhere, sometime. Maybe they really are out there just the time isn't right yet? I'm sending you a virtual hug from all the way from Africa x

justme said...

Its the xmas factor. All that expectation that we should be having a wonderful time just makes being lonely feel that much worse.
I am working hard at being alone, and like you doubt that I will ever be in a relationship again. It isn't easy, I know.
Hug!
Though you are such a positive person, I expect that by now you will be feeling up again anyway!

Angela said...

54? What a young chick! I will say a prayer for you right now that next week you will be meeting a man who is sweet and kind and loves you and will cook with you! Now close your eyes, believe it - and then tell me about your encounter next week! I am waiting!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I totally understand this...but like others have said, never say never. These things always come when we least expect. Hugs and Love BG x

Sorrow said...

((((((((((((((((((((((FireByrd)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
it is the longing
that bites the most.
Don't give up love..
there is some one out there..
I just know it!

Mel said...

(((((((( the byrdie ))))))))))))

anya said...

I know how yearning can hurt, byrd. But if there is one thing I have learned in my 61 years, it is to NEVER SAY NEVER. I don't care what it is.

A cute story...my son was talking to his boss's wife at a dinner party last week and she was asking him what kind of woman he is looking for and getting detailed. He said "One thing I know is she has to be a single mom. The ones that aren't moms just don't get it about Katy." At that moment, a darling woman walked up behind him, having overheard. "I'm a single mom!" she said, and they were off. They've been inseparable since. She is more than ten years older than him. She has been alone a long time and has longed for that ONE. She told my son that the week before she had decided to just put it out there in the Universe. She said it aloud repeatedly. "I am going to meet a man now. I'm so ready." Maybe he isn't her man, but maybe he will be.

There is no telling what is out there for you.

By the way, do you guys have something like e-harmony? You know I did that, and I have met an awfully nice man to spend some time with. I haven't been on my own as long as you and I'm not ready to be with someone "for real", but I was quite pleased with how that internet thing went.

Ronjazz said...

This has to be a moment of weakness, because I don't recognize this in you at all...And as long as I am around on this earth, don't you EVER say you'll never find someone again. DO YOU HEAR ME?

You are reminded of how much passion and compassion you have to offer. You need to look in the mirror and see that vital, gorgeous woman that most everyone else in the world can see. You keep putting out your own brand of love and caring and see what happens. You offer every damned day an example of courage and strength simply by sharing your own story. You retain and utilize that devilish place inside that makes you the open, spicy, enchanting woman that you truly are.

I say all this here only because I can't afford to fly over and look you in the eye. Do you hear me? I haven't given up on love, and I won't let you do it either.

Now...you can commence yelling back at me.

J.J said...

Being exhausted plus it being 'this time of the year' can be a bad combination. I can also imagine you as the kind of person who carries other people's sorrows and anxiety too.

One look at the responses you have already had here should tell you how special you are.

The right person for you will come along - no doubt when you are least looking out for him.

Lori ann said...

OOps.sorry, of course,you did write 10 years younger than your friends! that's what happens to me when i'm up too late reading and commenting! I wrote you an email also but it was bounced back to me,hmmm...I hope you are back to your positive self dear Byrd, and I do hope that you are able to take all these wonderful comments to your heart. And repeat to yourself: I will find him.
much love,lori

Fire Byrd said...

I am just blown away at the love that is still pouring all over me from those utterly wonderful comments.... you lot really are the best. If men could be produced through wishes then there would be queue outside the door from the wishes you've all sent me.

Robyn, my old friend you were right I'm much brighter today it does help pouring it out.

Sage welcome and with such a hopeful story.

Karen I can feel the virtual hug all the way to my smiling eyes, thank you.

just me, it's tough learning to be okay alone, but hey were getting there bit by bit good days and bad.

angela, I closed my eyes and believed....I'll let you know!

bendy, I know it's when I'll least expect it, and certainly not on a miserable day, so a good reason to be cheerful!

sorrow, you are right it is the longing and especially this time of year.

mel, you are such a sweetie.

anya what a lovely story about your son. Hope it goes well for him and the for you with the man you've met.

ron, I'll consider myself told. You are just such a sweetheart and I love you loads.

jj, thank you for those lovely words... I'm blushing now.

lori, I'm sorry your email didn't make it I would have loved to have received one from you.

Thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx

Middle Ditch said...

My Fire Byrd, so many wonderful and encouraging comments here. There is nothing I can add except that I realize again how lucky I am with the family I have.

I have been there alright and I know how it feels and the season to be jolly doesn't help matters very much.

Chin up lovely, someone will be around the corner soon.

Hugs and lol

Walker said...

I hear you loud and clear.
I can relate to all of this because I'm living it.
I think you worng in one aspect i think you will have that person again if you want too as any of us do but sometimes I wonder if we really want it or are afraid of it.
Afterall the past still haunts us and who the hell wants to go through that crap again but we crave that other half which makes us whole.

Life is moving on whether we like it or not and as we climb that rung we ultimatly have to decide if we will walk the walk alone or with company.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

There is so much going on at this time of year, it's stressful at the best of times and so not helped by your friends' tragedies and sorrows. I think at this time of year Christmas all gets mean, especially if we're on our own. I spent several Christmases entirely alone and it was miserable. The one thing one must learn is to be okay with being alone - but as you say, it's not an easy lesson. And that said, just because you're alone for now doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. Be comfortable and at peace in yourself, and you know what, it will come when you least expect, just when you've grown comfortable being on your own. Life just goes like that. Take heart, dear FireByrd, everything in life, in terms of the greater wisdom, is always just as it should be xxx

cheekydani said...

Oh Firey I sure can relate, you sound too gorgeous to spend too long being unloved... easier to say that when you don't feel it but if you're open and ready, yours will come to you x

Fire Byrd said...

m.d.thanks for the hugs and lol much appreciated

walker you have a valid point there about choice, and you get used to being on your own and I don't get someone elses washing to do.... ah I knew there was a reason I'm by myself!!!

a.v.I like that thought in life about the bigger picture and what will be will be, so thank you for reminding me of it.

dani,thank you for the lovely compliment.... blushing now!..
xxxx

Rae!xx said...

A big (((hug))) from me too because I just saw so much of myself in that comment and the reason why I don't just give up and go on sick until my operation because I just have to have company throughout the day.

Take care of you and never say never!..xx

Latharia said...

Sending you lots of positive thoughts that the right person crosses your path in the very near future!! :D

Fire Byrd said...

Raexx we do anything for love.... but put off your op, oooo that's a biggy.

latharia, welcome, lovely to meet you.
xx