Sunday, 16 September 2012

The Guilty Culprit!

I have now lived on my own for one whole week. In that time I've learnt how to decorate, thanks Ellie!
Have moved furniture upstairs and downstairs. My house looks marvellous.
Spacious, tidy, with a fabulous guest bedroom and an upstairs study.
So for the first time I sit here typing looking out at the trees in the garden. The huge climbing rose is full of sparrows hoping on and off  down to the bird feeder. The Russian Vine is full of bees getting nectar. And the clouds are skudding across the sky. So different from the wall I used to look at!
It's been a really busy week,( when aren't mine busy?) And on Thursday I got elected Chair of Governors for three schools, Which I guess means that busy just went stratospheric.

That's the good stuff......

So I got back in on Thursday and was stepping over the dog conveniently positioned between living room and hall! When she decided to stand up. I fell completely over her. Landed heavily on my knees, smacked my wrist into the vacuum cleaner and wacked my head on the radiator, and heard my back pop.
I'm now the proud possessor of many bruises and an odd lump on my back which shouldn't be there.

I was okay up until 5.30am this morning, when I woke up and started being frightened. Now I know as an ex nurse what's what. Logically I knew I had nothing to be frightened of. But I become super aware of my new vulnerability of living alone. I lay there for two hours being ridiculously scared, till I got bored with myself and took dog for a long walk. And as soon as was almost civilised on a Sunday morning I texted my mate in Cornwall who has gone through what I'm doing at the moment. Plus she was also once a nurse. I just needed another voice of reason to add to my small voice to tell me I have soft tissue damage and will not have my legs drop off anytime soon! Bless her she phoned me straight back and reassured me on all counts.

It's a salutary lesson in coming to terms with living alone. Cause however much Alex was a pain, he was always around at some point during the day. And now I'm aware that if anything happened to me I'd go unheard until someone noticed I wasn't  following my usual routine.

I know this anxiety will recede over time and I'm in the thick of it this weekend. And it sure beats missing Alex that was last weekends stuff!

Other than this hiccup to be overcome I'm enjoying been alone. And my plan is that with the chaos of the week I'll be really pleased to shut my door on Friday evening until Monday.My eldest son visits next weekend. My friend Jenny from Devon is coming to stay early November. Then it will be preparing for Christmas. Then the bad weather when I go nowhere. And before I know it it will be March and I'll be going down to Devon for a week to start checking out property down there and putting my house up for sale.

That's the plan anyway, so I haven't time for paranoia or neurosis round here, gotta a life to be getting on with.


nitebyrd said...

Living with a mob, I envy you your solitude. You will do fine, I'm sure. Your beautiful lady will protect you. Look what she did to you and she loves you! LOL Imagine what she'd do to an intruder!

Congratulations on your new position (promotion?)!

Helen said...

You said it Mandy .. 'gotta a life to be getting on with.' Enjoy, relax, be happy!!!!

Mel said...

Yeah, that living alone stuff is awesome!! And a bit intimidating at times--but it's AWESOME!!

Moving furniture, claiming your space, getting things gathered up and opened up and breathing again--it's a very healing and empowering thing. I hope you loved every moment of it.

I had to laugh at nitebyrd's comment....she has a point.
But more than that, you have a life and you'll live it regardless of the fear stuff. Name it, claim it--change what you can and keep moving!
I had no problems living alone. I adored it. Aloneness was good, even during chemotherapy. It meant not having an audience to have to 'play' to. I could be as sick as I wanted. Other people were more fearful about me being here alone than I was. So I made arrangements and rituals/routines. Any delineation from the routine/ritual meant a call happening. It made them feel better--cuz the bottom line was people go to bed at night!
But stuff happens with other people in the home as much as it does without, yaknow?

You'll be okay. You already are. You're claiming space, you've learned that weekends at the beach house alone are actually cool things (oh gosh...and you could slip and fall there, too...)...and you'll get confident in this as well. Seems it's already happening.
Just sayin'.... ;-)

Happy bee and sparrow watching!! :-)

Angela said...

Aren`t you having nice frinds, Mandy? Just listen to their voices, soothing you, cheering you up, and calling you back! And the birdies are watching over you, too. Trix didn`t mean to hurt you, either, I bet she was truly sorry.
May your back be okay soon, and the dreams of Devon and the seaside fill your nights. I am wishing you happiness and that you can achieve a lot for those schools! You are the right person on the right spot! Love from

GaynorB said...

Three schools! That must at times mean a very fine line to tread.

I'm quite happy to put up with my own company but perhaps that's because I know (hope) that by the time I'm getting fed up smeone will be back.

Beng frightened is a diferent concept entirely so hope that you've managed, for the most part, to work that one through. There was probably an element of delayed shock.

It won't be long before you can 'live your dreams' whilst living your life. Hope spring comes soon and that the stars are shining on you to make living in Devon a reality.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you are alright.
and that your fearless protector, is there with you, loving you and giving you as much trouble as the boys did.
you byrd, are the best!
only you can take lemons and make tasty margaritas out of life!

Anonymous said...

Illuminary's comment says it so well - and congratulations on the position with the three schools! Dear Trix, she has come such a long way due to you. I bet she adores you.Heal well dear Mandy.

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