Sunday 18 November 2012

Wednesday 14 November 2012

Seven years and life is just so good

 There is five years between these photographs. I wanted to find a photograph taken seven or six years ago, but I was avoiding the camera back then, so the photo with short hair is the first one taken of me after I'd been treated for breast cancer. Last Sunday was the seventh anniversary of first being diagnosed. On last Friday I was dreading hitting the anniversary, worried about falling to pieces on my own. Got phone calls from mates lined up to protect me if needed.

But I shouldn't have worried, cause what I felt was victory of having got here. So much has gone on in the last seven years, some far more traumatic and frightening then I would ever want to deal with again. And some pleasurable,exciting  and challenging.

I've had cancer, had a mastectomy, learnt to love my body as it looks without a breast (still hate the middle age spread though!!!!) Learnt to have a full range of movement in my arm. Learnt to vacum. and  iron with my left hand. To carry my handbag/purse on my left shoulder. Took drugs for five of those years, that have put 14lbs of weight on me. Learnt to walk miles and enjoy it. Learnt how to dance salsa and rock' n'roll and love it.

I've had a blog for five of those seven years and have written in excess of 180,000 words (Gawd, I have so much to say for myself!!!) I've written 15 chapters of a self help book, five chapters of a novel, run a photography blog for a year, that produced work from around the world. I've more or less run out of things to say ( no comments needed here, thank you!!)

I've been sad, lonely frightened,

I've been loved, cherished and cared for

I've had two relationships since cancer and sex with three men.

I've been out of a relationship (and sex!) for four years now.

I've gone through absolute hell with my youngest son.

I've seen the same son grow up and become a man.

I have two wonderful sons, who both have strong relationships with their girlfriends, successful jobs and are an absolute pleasure to know.

I have kept my best girlfirends throughout.Gained and lost  others some along the way.

I have kept my job as a psychotherapist and grown in confidence in my knowledge of human nature.

I have become the chair of governors for three schools, a position I work really hard with to get the best education possible for the children in the town I live in.

I have worked really hard to get my damaged and aggressive rescue dog trained to now be safe with people in my home..... Walking is still work in progress!

I live alone with the same dog and I love it

I am HAPPY, CONTENT, SUCCESSFUL,TALENTED,INTELLIGENT, PHYSICALLY FIT, AND HAVE GOT HERE!!!!! And as my beloved mate in Cornwall said on facebook, I don't look too bad for my age!

And of course all this has come about as a result of life's journey. Which no matter what has happened so far has been dealt with to the best of my ability, and lessons have been learnt from. Who knows where the next seven will go, but frankly my dear, what will be will be. And as long as I keep living in the moment the adventure will  take care of itself. So I can have one or two ambitions, but more importantly, just knowing what's in my diary in the next few weeks is more than enough to live my life with.

Cause as  one of my favourite quotes goes........ Whilst we are remembering yesterday and dreaming about tomorrow, life is happening right now. And I like living with that.

Sunday 11 November 2012

Trix's tough life!!!

Ok, I'm bored now, you've done all the decorating and I want a walk!
Off into the woods, yipee!

 Oh not more arty photos, when I'm sure there are squirrels round here somewhere!
 So how far are you going to take me today.

 Oh good water for me to play in!

 Right I've had enough now time to go home.
 So my place is now in front of the fire.
And later I'm going to sleep here, just cause you think it's the guest bedroom. I want my blanket put on here and I suppose I'll let you use it occasionally when I have to put up with your friends.

Monday 24 September 2012


I've come here to type to keep my fingers warm. I've got no heating, the boiler apparently has a gas leak, so 'they' have turned it off. I called 'them' up cause I had a gas leak elsewhere in the house and didn't know about the second one. It's a cold and wet day and I'd really have liked the heating on. I'm having a days holiday. To get optimum fun out of that I've been trying to phone British Gas to get them to fix the boiler. So at the first extremely long wait for nothing of the three calls I've made I got informed they are so busy that to get my call answered I'll have to be on the line listening to tinkly tinkly music for....... 1hour and 28 minutes. But no worries they'd do callback..... Oh no they don't. I've tried twice more. I've listened to all the bloody tinkly tinkly music. I've heard all the adverts on the loop twice. I've had the phone picked up twice in the second call and put down straight away. And in the third call more fucking tinkly tinkly music and  the phone picked up once  and put down again immediately.

I know it's not really that cold, it's only one t shirt and two jumpers cold. I know I've got my extremely expensive convector heater in place for later when I watch some TV. I know I can heat my water with an even more expensive immersion heater.

The rest of the house is okish, the kitchen heats up when I use the cooker. And upstairs because my loft is so well insulated it's warmer. And I know it's better to have discovered before the bad weather really sets in but ....... ggggrrrr!

I think the only solution is an afternoon nap then a trip to the supermarket to keep warm!

Whose got time to be vulnerable.... certainly not me!

Sunday 16 September 2012

The Guilty Culprit!

I have now lived on my own for one whole week. In that time I've learnt how to decorate, thanks Ellie!
Have moved furniture upstairs and downstairs. My house looks marvellous.
Spacious, tidy, with a fabulous guest bedroom and an upstairs study.
So for the first time I sit here typing looking out at the trees in the garden. The huge climbing rose is full of sparrows hoping on and off  down to the bird feeder. The Russian Vine is full of bees getting nectar. And the clouds are skudding across the sky. So different from the wall I used to look at!
It's been a really busy week,( when aren't mine busy?) And on Thursday I got elected Chair of Governors for three schools, Which I guess means that busy just went stratospheric.

That's the good stuff......

So I got back in on Thursday and was stepping over the dog conveniently positioned between living room and hall! When she decided to stand up. I fell completely over her. Landed heavily on my knees, smacked my wrist into the vacuum cleaner and wacked my head on the radiator, and heard my back pop.
I'm now the proud possessor of many bruises and an odd lump on my back which shouldn't be there.

I was okay up until 5.30am this morning, when I woke up and started being frightened. Now I know as an ex nurse what's what. Logically I knew I had nothing to be frightened of. But I become super aware of my new vulnerability of living alone. I lay there for two hours being ridiculously scared, till I got bored with myself and took dog for a long walk. And as soon as was almost civilised on a Sunday morning I texted my mate in Cornwall who has gone through what I'm doing at the moment. Plus she was also once a nurse. I just needed another voice of reason to add to my small voice to tell me I have soft tissue damage and will not have my legs drop off anytime soon! Bless her she phoned me straight back and reassured me on all counts.

It's a salutary lesson in coming to terms with living alone. Cause however much Alex was a pain, he was always around at some point during the day. And now I'm aware that if anything happened to me I'd go unheard until someone noticed I wasn't  following my usual routine.

I know this anxiety will recede over time and I'm in the thick of it this weekend. And it sure beats missing Alex that was last weekends stuff!

Other than this hiccup to be overcome I'm enjoying been alone. And my plan is that with the chaos of the week I'll be really pleased to shut my door on Friday evening until Monday.My eldest son visits next weekend. My friend Jenny from Devon is coming to stay early November. Then it will be preparing for Christmas. Then the bad weather when I go nowhere. And before I know it it will be March and I'll be going down to Devon for a week to start checking out property down there and putting my house up for sale.

That's the plan anyway, so I haven't time for paranoia or neurosis round here, gotta a life to be getting on with.