Sunday, 20 February 2011

The tough climb home.


I know I'm always banging on about my journey and how far I've come over the years. Which of course happens to us all, it's just I go on about mine more! But the other day I discovered how far I'd come in blogging terms.

I had a days holiday and decided one of my tasks, outside of cleaning the kitchen, bathroom etc, etc, was to find all the poems on my blog and put them in a separate file. Not sure what I'm going to do with them, just wanted them in one place.

Anyway this meant speed reading through page after page of my blog, I do have an awful lot to say for myself! Identifying where the poems were and then taking copying them one by one. Some of them are quite good as well!

Now I don't know how many words I've written as firebyrd, but when I closed down Prada Pixie I saved all those words, all 94,000 of them, which was just short of two years writing. It's probably about the same here as I don't write so frequently.

But oh boy, has the writing style changed, there was so much anger and a lot of bitterness in PP. I swore in most posts one way or another. My favourite swear word got used far too often. I wrote a lot of sexual stuff, stories, poems, and just general sexual stuff!

Back then topics to write about flowed out of me. I remember often thinking as soon as I'd finished one piece having the other bubbling away inside me. Nowadays finding anything new to write about is really difficult.

I don't have the anger and drive on a general basis to pour it out. Obviously when it does get tough, then I still write. But life is more settled, I am calmer. I no longer hurt in the way I did in PP. I've accepted my alone state and enjoy it. I am very wary of finding someone else to share my life with, when the place I am feels so good, back then I thought I wasn't complete without that special someone.

Those of you who've been reading for a long time know what I've been through with my youngest son. And I have learnt such a lot about myself coping with what he's been through. I have learnt that I am happy on my own in my house, which has finally after 14 years of living here turned into my home.

I do not have the urge to run away and escape every weekend, I haven't been away since last November, an unheard of thing in the past. I like my weekends, I don't even have time to pack into them all the things I want to do. So I've got really useless at emailing friends, don't have the time. Don't have time to write here, let alone have much to say, that hasn't already been said.

Blogging is responsible for a lot of things for many people. And if I'd been told it would contribute to changing my life as much as it has, then I wouldn't have believed it.So although I may not have as much to say,as regularly as in the past, this place remains so important to me in my developmental journey that I have to keep it open, even if I only pop in now and again to write.

It is a place of sanctuary when the going gets tough.
It is a place of love and generosity from fellow bloggers
It is a place I have discovered, made and kept friends
It is a place that I can pour out me and keep myself sane as a result.

Not bad for a place of just words and pictures!

17 comments:

Lyn said...

Not bad at all Mandy! I have witnessed your growth and transformation since I have been following you. And I can sense your peace. Well done!

Mel said...

Oh yes......it's been a tough climb home. But you've found peace--'worth it' comes to mind.
WORTH it.

You're a gorgeous person--shining, brilliant.....gorgeous.

LindyLouMac said...

The karma of blogging, good to know it has helped you become a happier person.

TALON said...

It's cathartic, isn't it? Writing it all out...whether on a blog or in a journal...just getting it down and stepping back and looking at it...it's a good thing :)

Helen said...

Mandy, I share your sentiments!
Cheers!

Cait O'Connor said...

I also recently copied out all my poems from my blog (more fun than cleaning).
I agree with your words on the joys that blogging can bring. I guess all writing is therapy, we writers just have to write!

Merry ME said...

Good news.
How is the youngest son?

Maggie said...

Well, I have only just found your blog, but can see that the last years have been hard on you. That you have done a lot of work on yourself to get to the point where you now find yourself, complete and content, accepting of who you are, warts and all presumably. Me too. I am now less judgemental and more accepting of others when they see things differently. Thanks to Buddhism, or rather the slow learning of it with the help of a Buddhist friend, I now see many things differently. At 60, I am content with who I am, where I am. Still afraid of the next and final stage and how it will begin, and end. But trying now to be in the moment, not think ahead.
Many of us have looked inwards and either not liked what we saw, or wanted to improve/change. It takes guts to admit that you need to change, guts to do the work needed. The rewards, in my case, of being at peace with myself, accepting that there are some things in life I cannot change and best to let go of them if they cause me pain, were worth the effort.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

For some reason, I felt exhuberant after reading your post. Could it possibly be that I am feeling your fabulous glow all the way from there to here? I do believe it is!

☼Illuminary☼ said...

No my dear,
Not bad at all.
Just think how lost so many of us would be with out
YOU!
(((HUGS)))

janis said...

Mandy~ I know what you mean. My Blog means much to me as well. However, yours, and all that I follow mean much to me too. I never expected to get such joy from my "Blog friends". Their insights, love, pain, and humor have been so touching to me. I feel this extended family is such a part of me. Recently one of my Blog friends sent me a email, concerned about the amount of dwelling on the past and sadness. I was so touched of her concern. The thing is with my bloggies they tell it like it is, nothing to lose with honesty. My closest friends may feel the same way but neglect to tell me in fear of hurting me. I LOVE that this friend was concerned.
My suggestion about the saved poems.. go to the Blog2print and see about printing it. I am so glad I did turn my first 500 posting into print. It is huge, and cost me $150...but I am so glad I made the spurge. The books start at $15-20 and go up from there. Check it out..
Love to you!

Angela said...

Dear Mandy, my blog- and real friend, yes, hasn`t blogging changed a lot for all of us? I also wanted to stop writing but somehow missed being part of the game! But I have ordered my blog book like janis and will receive it around March 4th! Can`t wait!

I know your birthday is on Thursday!

miss*R said...

blogging has helped me too. alot. I am in the same space you are.. alot calmer, more peaceful..

and you will always, always be Pix to me ;)

Marilyn said...

You are in such a good place right now ...you are 'at home' with yourself; this is what we all wish for ourselves.
I have met such thoughtfulness and kindness through blogs; I have 'met' so many wonderful people, yourself included.
And I am finding myself.

Ishouldbeworking said...

What a fine piece of reflection. I value blogging for much the same reasons as you - just being able to scan back over it all, and chart the procession of your own life (and those you meet on the way), is invaluable, therapeutic, and sometimes very, very funny. Even if I leave it alone for a couple of weeks here and there, I always come back.

Word Verification: 'bessings'! That's near as dammit!

nitebyrd said...

No, Mandy, not bad at all. In fact, it's quite amazing.

You are, in no small way, an inspiration to me.

Paula said...

You have done wonderfully.