Sunday, 20 February 2011
The tough climb home.
I know I'm always banging on about my journey and how far I've come over the years. Which of course happens to us all, it's just I go on about mine more! But the other day I discovered how far I'd come in blogging terms.
I had a days holiday and decided one of my tasks, outside of cleaning the kitchen, bathroom etc, etc, was to find all the poems on my blog and put them in a separate file. Not sure what I'm going to do with them, just wanted them in one place.
Anyway this meant speed reading through page after page of my blog, I do have an awful lot to say for myself! Identifying where the poems were and then taking copying them one by one. Some of them are quite good as well!
Now I don't know how many words I've written as firebyrd, but when I closed down Prada Pixie I saved all those words, all 94,000 of them, which was just short of two years writing. It's probably about the same here as I don't write so frequently.
But oh boy, has the writing style changed, there was so much anger and a lot of bitterness in PP. I swore in most posts one way or another. My favourite swear word got used far too often. I wrote a lot of sexual stuff, stories, poems, and just general sexual stuff!
Back then topics to write about flowed out of me. I remember often thinking as soon as I'd finished one piece having the other bubbling away inside me. Nowadays finding anything new to write about is really difficult.
I don't have the anger and drive on a general basis to pour it out. Obviously when it does get tough, then I still write. But life is more settled, I am calmer. I no longer hurt in the way I did in PP. I've accepted my alone state and enjoy it. I am very wary of finding someone else to share my life with, when the place I am feels so good, back then I thought I wasn't complete without that special someone.
Those of you who've been reading for a long time know what I've been through with my youngest son. And I have learnt such a lot about myself coping with what he's been through. I have learnt that I am happy on my own in my house, which has finally after 14 years of living here turned into my home.
I do not have the urge to run away and escape every weekend, I haven't been away since last November, an unheard of thing in the past. I like my weekends, I don't even have time to pack into them all the things I want to do. So I've got really useless at emailing friends, don't have the time. Don't have time to write here, let alone have much to say, that hasn't already been said.
Blogging is responsible for a lot of things for many people. And if I'd been told it would contribute to changing my life as much as it has, then I wouldn't have believed it.So although I may not have as much to say,as regularly as in the past, this place remains so important to me in my developmental journey that I have to keep it open, even if I only pop in now and again to write.
It is a place of sanctuary when the going gets tough.
It is a place of love and generosity from fellow bloggers
It is a place I have discovered, made and kept friends
It is a place that I can pour out me and keep myself sane as a result.
Not bad for a place of just words and pictures!