Thursday, 4 February 2010
Scared, just scared and alone
I've had a busy day.Meeting with friends for lunch. Dashing around this afternoon. Going over to school for two meetings. Rushing back at 7pm to pop the home made cottage pie I prepared earlier in the oven. Having my supper. Knitting a few rows of my new project (I haven't knitted for years and I treated myself to a pattern and some wool to make a cardigan the other day) Getting lost in 'The Good Wife' followed by 'Brothers and Sisters' on the TV. And now it's 11 pm and too late to call anyone up, except Eve and she's not home yet. And the house is quiet and I can't hide from myself any longer, I am scared.
I am frightened (again) that today is my last day of normality, that tomorrow when I get my results from my mammogram I'll hear those chilling words 'You've got cancer' again. I've played the scenario over and over in my head recently. Cause the day before I got diagnosed I didn't have cancer. And then the world crashed down on my head.
There is no reason to think anything is wrong. I haven't found a lump or anything like that. But I didn't first time round. It was caught early. So my experience is of the result coming out of the blue.
I've waited three weeks for this result. I think I've done really well to get to the night before, till I went into meltdown.
Hold me in your thoughts when you read this. And hopefully I'll come back tomorrow, and say all is well.
But for now I've got to go to bed and try and sleep. Hopefully Eve will phone me up when she gets home, as there is a five hour difference between us, and even if she wakes me she'll listen to me. And tell me not to be such a silly.
I wish my Mummy was here right now, or my big son, or even my grumpy youngest one. Really anyone would do, as long as they hugged me tight. Cause sometimes being alone is a tough call when you can't see for crying.
But I feel better for writing this, my writing has allowed the tears to fall And I needed to cry to let go of some of the fear.