Sunday, 27 September 2009

I'm so scared, with no end in sight

I got sent an email this morning with just one question...... How are you going to get your shopping?
It stopped me in my tracks.
What an intreresting question, to which I don't really know the answer.
I have never been so fucking scared in all my life
Alex has been angry for such a long time and especially with me, that asking him to do things is like treading on eggshells. That doesn't mean he won't do things for me, just I have to choose my moments.
He will go and get milk and bread etc. Hopefully my sister will be able to help later in the week when I need more food
And as for cleaning.......Don't have any idea about that one.
I feel so utterly vulnerable and pathetic. It is taking it out of me using these sodding crutches and being not weight bearing so my whole body aches from the effort.
I go to spend a happy few hours (HAHA!) in the fracture clinic tomorrow, and fingers crossed the treatment may not be as drastic as this tempory plaster.
And of course no work no pay. And I have no insurance anymore as I couldn't get it till I'm considered cured of breast cancer which will be January 2011.
I'm sorry to have gone off on one, but I've been worrying and crying about this since 4.30 this morning.I didn't know I could cry so hard and be so lost at that time of night before.
I've had enough this year it's just been never ending and I keep thinking it's all finished and something else comes along slightly worse than the one before.
I normally enjoy my life, being single doing what I want, but right now what I wouldn't do for a man to pop out of a helicoter with a box of milk tray , and even better a pair of strong arms and a willingness to go and get me a cup of water.
Hey ho


CheekyDani said...

Awww, poor thing. Sounds like a friendly hug and some reassurance is needed. Wish I could give it in person x

I had an accident a few years ago, was run over by a bike leaving me concussed, with serious headaches and neck problems and unable to lift one arm for some time (still have the headaches and neck problems in fact). Like you I'm self employed so no work = no pay. I don't know how this is fair when an employed person gets a sickness benefit from the government (can someone explain this to me?? I pay taxes too...). I was so frightened, so poorly and unable to make decisions due to the concussion. I can't pretend I came out of it unscathed but I made it through and I am stronger. And you will too.

Not sure I can help with your other worries but as for shopping, what about ordering online? I often do this and the nice delivery guys bring it all the way into the kitchen so no carrying needed.

Big hugs Madame Fire, you're a strong woman, you will come through this yet x

Rach said...

Aw I am so sorry Mandy I wish I could help more.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

I think all the major supermarkets do deliveries now you might not get it in for today but during the week you will.

Thinking of you..(((hugs))) xx

Paula said...

So sorry, Honey, I didnt worry about it as I thought supermarkets would deliver? At least I love ordering via phone or online. Thinking of you. Hugs

Sage said...

{hugs} it can't be a nice feeling thinking you can't cope, but you will... with the aid of friends and technology and family will help.. even if you think they won't they will

Fire Byrd said...

Ok got the food shopping sorted, thanks for the tips. Registered with Sainsburys now for later in the week.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Aww, big hugs! Order shopping online, if you ask nicely most of the drivers will carry the shopping into the kitchen for you (some of them will even help unpack but that's down to the kindness of the individual) Make sure to stock up on heavy items like dog food, plus I always keep a carton of UHT milk & some basics in the house for if you can't get out. You'll get pretty much everything you need from Sainsburys or Tesco though.

Other tips, pad the handles of your crutches (if you haven't already) with having had mastectomy your upper body is more vulnerable to injury/strain using crutches so stay off them if you can & all should be fine.

The bag idea is good. Try keeping a bag or basket at the top & bottom of the stairs to take stuff up and down. Carry on going up and down on your bum, it's safest/easiest.

You can buy special covers for plasters while you shower or bathe, try google if you need, but bin bag & tape work well, if you need tape etc it may be worth phoning the local pharmacy to ask if they deliver. Even if there's no official service you live in a small town so someone might be willing to drop stuff off. If you get really stuck phone your GP practice. Due to your circumstances they can send the district nurses out. You are also entitled to ambulance transport (the bus rather than neenaw type) cos you can't drive or get public transport to appt.

On the financial side, apply for benefits NOW. It'll take a while to come through and may not have any money until after you go back to work, but it'll at least be something. You should be entitled to Statutory Sick Pay I think, but as you are self employed I'm not sure. You will be entitled to income support (now probably called Employment Allowance) but again not sure how the self employed thing works. Don't let them fob you off though, and beware that you may have to be denied one benefit to be entitled to another which was how it worked with Incapacity Benefit/Income Support.

I'm still full of flu but if you get stuck with the benefits side of things I'll help when I'm better. We can sort it over the phone.

Last of all, try not to worry too much. I know just how scary it all is, but I have every faith in you and your ability to cope, then come out the other side stronger as a person and a therapist for the experience.

Lots of love n hugs BG xxx

Angela Recada said...

Oh dear Mandy, I'm so sorry for your many ups and downs. I wish I could help.

Not being familiar with the UK health care system, I was under the impression that everyone was covered and taken care of. None of us truly understand each others' situation, do we?

It sound as if you're getting your shopping and cleaning settled, though, with the help of good people. Good!

This, too, shall pass. Taking it one day (or one moment, as you said in your comment to me) at a time. Maybe, by some miracle, it will bring you and your Alex closer. I hope so, for you both.

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Cynthia said...

What a struggle you are going through. I know how it feel to just want someone else to carry the load for a while. I hope everything is much better soon. Sending you love...

Lori ann said...

Oh dear Mandy,
take all this good advice from your friends, there is wonderful help here. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I will pray that your troubles pass quickly and your foot heals quicker. It'll be ok, it really will.
I'm going to pray for a helicopter man too.
Hugs and love

Helen said...

I sit here feeling incredibly sorry for you and wishing I could somehow help.

Alex ... if you are able to read this, please do whatever is in your power to help your mother. You will never regret it, I promise.

kj said...

fire byrd, i'm here from angela's and i am wishing you help from anywhere: the universe, your friends, some mysterious someone. i love all the suggestions you've been given.

i had a period like this a couple of years back and was so emotionally depleted and so exhausted it was hard to even think. you're smart to just handle one thing at a time.

if blog support and well wishes count, you have mine.


Lady in red said...

my mum uses the bag idea to carry things when shes using crutches which she still does when she goes out although she can now move around her house without them.

She also started ordering her groceries online after her first operation. I think she has got so used to that now that I doubt she will ever go back to doing it herself.

I can understand the wish for strong arms to hold you, I have felt the same a few times this year. It isn't a case of wanting someone to take over but someone to share the grief. Someone to hold you when you feel at rock bottom, to give you the strength to fight your way back to the top.

love and hugs

Mel said...


OMG.......I need to go back and read. Dammit.

I'm so sorry dearheart.

Linda - Gold Coast said...

Dear Mandy, A good cry sometimes does one the world of good. Take some deep breathes, have a plan of attack and tomorrow things will feel much brighter. Online shopping is a must. Perhaps your sister and niece could pop over and help with a little cleaning. Alex will have to step up, you have been there time and time for him, now it's his turn. You would have an Army of helpers if we all lived near enough. I know we all feel so helpless and all we can do is give you our love and support via "netty". Please take good care and above all be kind to yourself and don't get "cranky" because things have to be done differently for a while at least. I had forgotten about the Milk Tray ads (he he). If I was rich enough I would organize a dashing chap to stop by with a box. Love Linda xoxo

Pam said...

The Universe got it wrong. When you yelled out "Gimme a break!!" putting it right out there, it was not exactly what you meant,I know. Dear Mandy. I'm passing the tissues. A good cry is necessary and the blogging world has big wide shoulders.The practicalities sound challenging but not entirely unachievable.Persistance, again seems the key, and you are certainly not unfamiliar with that one!! Must seem like you'd like to swap that old buddy for a bit of smooth sailing, so hopefully it's helping to pave the way albeit in the most uncomfortable and unfathonable fashion. Others here have given invaluable practical advice. I can only add my voice of encouragement, and heartfelt wishes for you to keep strong and get well, with love.

Angela said...

Dearest Mandy, I found your post only today, and have nodded to all the comments. Yes, if we all lived near you, you`d need not to worry. I would drive you to work once a week, so you could earn some money, and do your shopping, too.
But you see, your foot will heal, if you don`t stomp it, and all these troubles will pass. they will! If there is anything I can do from here, please let me know!

speck of dust said...

I'm so sorry for the hard time you're having. If it's any consolation I feel just as awful and just as fed up with one disaster after another. I was writing a 'funny' poem about it along the lines of a country and western song it but I lost the bit of paper. The idea came from a song I know which is a long list of total disasters and at the end it goes "but we're still living so everything's ok".

karen said...

Oh Mandy, so sorry to hear you sounding so down. Thinking of you lots xx