Thursday, 23 April 2009
A LESSON NEEDING LEARNING
You may notice that all the useful information has disappeared from my side bar.
No more followers list, or blog list, or anything.
I've taken them off as a way for me to keep this blog open. I've been thinking of closing it down because of how I feel about what happens on it.
It's a difficult one to explain, but I'm going to give it a go, as it's important to me to try and elucidate this.
All my life I have had a problem with friendships. I am very, very lucky to have wonderful, kind and generous friends now. But it hasn't always been like this. And it is the way that the past influences the now, that has made blogging tough for me. As the childlike feelings get in the way of logic and rational thought.
Basically I get very jealous when I don't get enough comments (what exactly enough is, remains a mystery!) compared to others. Now I also know that I have a popular blog and some wonderful blog mates who always come by. So my jealous feelings are not to do with that. They are purely a reflection of being frightened that no -one will want to be my friend, going straight back to that lonely child on the playground.
The same has been true of the followers list, I have treasured every single follower that has come along, but have always wanted more. So proving that I'm lovable. And seeing others again with more than me, has been ridiculously tough.
And I do know that compared to some, I'm very successful. Much the same as it's human nature to want more money,toys,food and we compare ourselves to those that have more and envy them. And sometimes it's important to just look at how very fortunate we are compared to those that have nothing.
And I haven't been doing that, I've just been hooked into nobody loves me..... Which I do know is utter nonsense. As in the big picture of blogging I'm someone who has made more genuine friends amongst other bloggers than most.
I am addicted to blogging for a reason. Where I live, for reasons that I won't go into here, not cause they are private, just cause it would take to long, I am not particularly liked. My neighbours on the whole won't bother with me and haven't really since I moved in 11 years ago. Then it was cause I was the only single mum in the neighbourhood of happy families. So I let the area down.
Now the reasons are different but still it remains true that I don't have local friends. Obviously I know people to pass the time of day with but not to share a coffee and an intimacy with.
Please don't think I'm telling this cause I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I seriously don't. I am a very privileged person in how many friends I do have. But they are not around on a day to day basis,and nor do I have a partner to share with, hence that's where blogging has come in.
Blogging has been the place where I have got my shared coffee and intimacy from on a daily basis. The place where, whatever I've said my blog friends have come back and metaphorically held me, whilst I struggle with whatever issue has been around. And like all good friendships sometimes that's been very deep and sometimes wonderfully daft.
So to have hooked into nobody loves me stuff has began to feel really destructive. And one of my options was to just run away (close down) and lick my wounds in a self fulfilling prophecy sort of way.... See I was, right no-one did love me, nah nah nah etc. Which of course would have been totally true cause no one would be able to reach me via my blog. The difficulty of that juvenile behaviour is that lots of people communicate with me via email or facebook, and I can imagine people would be asking where I'd gone. So of course completely proving my childlike hypothesis wrong!!!
Which means that for me to move on from this lonely child as much as possible I need to protect myself.I obviously have my blog roll still, it's now on my favourites bar. I still have the ability to check out my stats ( a really bad habit that one) I don't have a followers list and that is a good thing. I will still follow others. I just won't be comparing myself to others and finding myself inadequate in a way that isn't true based on just a list.
I do hope this makes sense, I'm not asking for any confirmation of how ok I am here, I have all these wonderful friends that do that already, and more than 10 of them courtesy of blogging. I've written this, as it's important to me that I explain myself and understand myself, cause that is the way I learn to move on and to change myself.