Thursday, 23 April 2009

A LESSON NEEDING LEARNING


You may notice that all the useful information has disappeared from my side bar.
No more followers list, or blog list, or anything.

I've taken them off as a way for me to keep this blog open. I've been thinking of closing it down because of how I feel about what happens on it.

It's a difficult one to explain, but I'm going to give it a go, as it's important to me to try and elucidate this.

All my life I have had a problem with friendships. I am very, very lucky to have wonderful, kind and generous friends now. But it hasn't always been like this. And it is the way that the past influences the now, that has made blogging tough for me. As the childlike feelings get in the way of logic and rational thought.

Basically I get very jealous when I don't get enough comments (what exactly enough is, remains a mystery!) compared to others. Now I also know that I have a popular blog and some wonderful blog mates who always come by. So my jealous feelings are not to do with that. They are purely a reflection of being frightened that no -one will want to be my friend, going straight back to that lonely child on the playground.

The same has been true of the followers list, I have treasured every single follower that has come along, but have always wanted more. So proving that I'm lovable. And seeing others again with more than me, has been ridiculously tough.

And I do know that compared to some, I'm very successful. Much the same as it's human nature to want more money,toys,food and we compare ourselves to those that have more and envy them. And sometimes it's important to just look at how very fortunate we are compared to those that have nothing.

And I haven't been doing that, I've just been hooked into nobody loves me..... Which I do know is utter nonsense. As in the big picture of blogging I'm someone who has made more genuine friends amongst other bloggers than most.

I am addicted to blogging for a reason. Where I live, for reasons that I won't go into here, not cause they are private, just cause it would take to long, I am not particularly liked. My neighbours on the whole won't bother with me and haven't really since I moved in 11 years ago. Then it was cause I was the only single mum in the neighbourhood of happy families. So I let the area down.

Now the reasons are different but still it remains true that I don't have local friends. Obviously I know people to pass the time of day with but not to share a coffee and an intimacy with.

Please don't think I'm telling this cause I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I seriously don't. I am a very privileged person in how many friends I do have. But they are not around on a day to day basis,and nor do I have a partner to share with, hence that's where blogging has come in.

Blogging has been the place where I have got my shared coffee and intimacy from on a daily basis. The place where, whatever I've said my blog friends have come back and metaphorically held me, whilst I struggle with whatever issue has been around. And like all good friendships sometimes that's been very deep and sometimes wonderfully daft.

So to have hooked into nobody loves me stuff has began to feel really destructive. And one of my options was to just run away (close down) and lick my wounds in a self fulfilling prophecy sort of way.... See I was, right no-one did love me, nah nah nah etc. Which of course would have been totally true cause no one would be able to reach me via my blog. The difficulty of that juvenile behaviour is that lots of people communicate with me via email or facebook, and I can imagine people would be asking where I'd gone. So of course completely proving my childlike hypothesis wrong!!!

Which means that for me to move on from this lonely child as much as possible I need to protect myself.I obviously have my blog roll still, it's now on my favourites bar. I still have the ability to check out my stats ( a really bad habit that one) I don't have a followers list and that is a good thing. I will still follow others. I just won't be comparing myself to others and finding myself inadequate in a way that isn't true based on just a list.

I do hope this makes sense, I'm not asking for any confirmation of how ok I am here, I have all these wonderful friends that do that already, and more than 10 of them courtesy of blogging. I've written this, as it's important to me that I explain myself and understand myself, cause that is the way I learn to move on and to change myself.

28 comments:

Sage said...

OOoh echoes of me, the jealousy over numbers, the treasuring of comments... but at the end of the day what keeps me grounded is that I like my blog, it's my journal (edited of course as it isn't all my personal thoughts especially over recent events) and if someone comments I read them and sometimes it sparks a new post or thought.. do keep blogging tho, I for one would miss you too much.

justme said...

Oh PLEASE don't ever stop the blog! Sometimes people 'follow' you on their reader, and not as 'followers' so you don't actually know that they are following. And sometimes people read, and love, your posts, but don't actually comment, for all sorts of reasons. With me, it is often because I don't have anything much to say, and if others have already made thoughtful, witty, interesting comments, I think you won't WANT to hear my boring not particularly well written contribution.
I do understand about living somewhere where you don't have a lot of friends and the blog being part of your day to day social life. I feel that too.
And I got stupidly wounded recently when someone I follow on twitter failed to add me to HER list. Humph! I think we all have a bit of the child in us!
Hug!

Angela said...

Dear Mandy, I have only got to know you through your blog, and because you have come to visit mine, and then we shared email addresses and now you might even visit me one day. Isn`t that a fabulous outcome? You need no numbers to prove that you have friends! Oh, I just see the veri word is "stablizi" - yes, let us stabilize you again, and then you just carry on. Stroke that little lonely child in you but tell it that it has grown into an independent, strong, caring woman. My Uncle John used to quote a verse in the Bible: If you want to have friends, be a friend! And as you are just that, dear Mandy, you will always be loved in return!

Innocent said...

Pull yourself together and stop whinging. You know I'm right... remember the snow?

Mel said...

Perhaps it's more about what's happening between the ears than it is about what's happening on the weblog?

Please trust that's said with great love and affection for all that you are.

<-- has an itty bitty shitty committee that lives between her ears that 'board meetings' on occasion.

I've learned the concept of not to 'catering' in for them and to wave that wand and make 'em go *POOF*
The concept is still in practice stages...

Sometimes I do that REALLY well.
Sometimes I call the caterers and that itty bitty shitty committee eats really, really well.

Gotta tell ya--I mutter when that bill comes in and I realize 'at what cost!'.


Yeah, yeah....I ramble.

I'm not sure what you call 'useful'. Or maybe I'm a strange one for not paying much attention to sidebars unless there's turtles or fishies or fun things to play with.

((((((((((( the byrdie )))))))))))

You do what you need to do for you.
I'll always support that--even if I don't like it.

LOL
Gawddddddd....I really must get another cuppa coffee in my system.

Ronjazz said...

Firebyrd, you're only human. And you are not alone. And I can heartily relate to feeling like the 'loner' in my own neighborhood. The judgment I have received in my life because of my openness, my liberal points of view in life, have cost me dearly. We are who we are. I regard you in the highest way, my dear. Always have, always will... Don't you ever forget that.

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Wow! You have probably stated what many bloggers feel. I would miss your blog if you removed it. Facebook doesn't seem to be my medium, but I love the blogs. I'm following you girlfriend!

Lori ann said...

Dear Mandy,

Can I say what Angela said?
Plus, I love the feel of your blog now, i have wanted to do the same to mine.In the end, our blogs are our journals, our personal journeys,just for us. I am so glad to have met you. You are just a friend to me, I don't even think blog friend. Just friend.
love to you ♥

Phidelm said...

Hello Fire Byrd, and greetings from France. I found your blog via Jane, and have found much of fascination + food for thought here. Your honesty and generosity are impressive: thank you!
Good luck with the 'meme' (I've just done it; it's fun!) in the immediate term, and ditto for your book in the longer.
I guard my blog's privacy sedulously, for reasons which would be obvious on sight. If you'd like to, just ask and I'll send an invite.

Merry ME said...

Loving you. Proud that you know what to do to take care of yourself. Checking in on myself and feeling a lot of the same insecurity. Thanks for the eye-opener.

trousers said...

Glad you kept the blog going, and found a way to keep it going without having to continue letting all that stuff get to you.

Because if you left, it would be our loss.

I've already given you a summary of my further thoughts elsewhere, and I hope you're ok with them.

xx

Paula and Skip said...

Hi I just came over from Angela and totally can relate to your feeling of being unloved, outsider etc. We started our blog rather as an online family album, me integrating into anew country, improving my English, it never occured to me that other bloggers would visit, read or even want to follow and return regularly. I am amazed and still wonder what is so likeable on our ramblings? Having said that I / we are grateful, amazed and glad to have found so many nice people in the web. My feeling of being unloved etc has Nothing to do with the blog BUT the feeling itself I can relate to very much. Derives from the childhood and sometimes surfaces with might. I have deleoped an superior attitude and if one deosnt look closer they never will meet me. And that most not bother is udnerstood by me. hence I fight every day to leave my fear behind.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
Cant remember teh author.
All the best to you. For sure I will check in again. because I like what I read - a good start, isnt it. Paula xx

Angela said...

All nice comments, Mandy, don`t you think? We are all so much alike! (why do I always get these weird veri words? This one says: inhale!)

Sorrow said...

Like the tulips in the photo, you just keep blooming!
Take GOOD care of you, and those of us who know and understand, will still keep loving you, and holding on.
(((((BYRD))))))
BIG kisses and gentle hugs

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I do understand how you feel because I've the felt the same way myself from time to time. You have to ask yourself why you have a blog. Is it to be popular? Do you want to have the most popular blog in the web universe? You can achieve that if that's what you want. Do you want a forum in which you can share your thoughts and ideas with others? You already are achieving that. Do you want to meet like-minded people and strike up friendships with them? You're doing that already too. I have read some of the more popular blogs and was left feeling cold. How could what I have to say matter to someone who gets 300 comments? Your blog is warm and friendly and honest and personable. Everyone who reads you cares about you. Isn't that more important than how many readers you have? Wouldn't you rather have five or 13 genuine readers than 50 blog groupies?

nitebyrd said...

I don't think what you've said is whiney or childish, it's part of you and that makes you wonderful and interesting.

I've been thinking of tidying up my blog as well. I feel pangs of jealousy when I see others with many more comments and followers but then I know the people who read me are interested in ME and what I have to say, so it evens out somewhat.

Yes, "real friends" come in real-life and in cyberspace, it's good to have some of each. You'll move to your dream place (soon?) and won't have to worry about your snotty neighbors anymore. It's their loss that they didn't get to know you.

Robbin'sMama said...

I am glad you are continuing your Blog as I really enjoy keeping up with it. I myself am more of a follower of blogs than a commenter.

Barbara said...

Although I still write every day, my Blog reading has greatly declined. And as tempted as I am to add new readers, I realize that I am stretched to keep up with the ones I currently have. It's a balancing act. I know that if I don't make the rounds regularly, I can't expect people to read what I write. That's just the way it is.

We regularly have to ask why we're writing and what we hope to gain from reading what others write. The answers may change over time.

trousers said...

Found myself agreeing with so much (possibly all) that's been written here. But for me, what wakeup said encapsulates it brilliantly, and I would echo everything that she said.

I also wondered, do you think that blog interview thing might have been a factor in you tapping into all of this stuff? I know it's already a few weeks ago now, but I wonder if it had an effect, all that effort (for the best of reasons) in trying to lobby for the most votes.

janis said...

Did I write this? I thought this posting was just in my head. OMGosh! Fire Byrd we think the same! I have so felt the same way. I also get jealous that some of the Blog of Note are not as nice as mine! How come I dont get there?
Please keep writing! I agree w/ Lori, it is our own journals but sharing it makes me feel...normal & loved!
I love YOU girl! Your Bestie from Indiana!

Pam said...

How about a bit of wisdom from the East Mandy..."To have little is to possess.To have plenty is to be perplexed". Lao-Tzu.Please don't stop your blog.xxxx

lakeviewer said...

Mandy, you're just verbalizing what we all feel. Competition and numbers are built in from kindergarten days: how many happy faces?

It's tough for professional people to cultivate "friends", as close as we had in earlier times. First, we have no time; second, we have moved in ways that might be threatening to others. What do they talk about when they are with us? What do we have in common?

When I moved from teaching to administration I longer could hang out with my old teacher friends. We slowly parted. I missed them; I missed complaining together, bonding after classes. My new life left no time for idle chat.

You do need intimacy in your life; and you know it in your bones. Get into a club, a book club, a knitting group. Invite folks to your house. Start by being a friend to many people. One or two will get closer; it will happen.

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

As I read back over the comments, I tend to agree with Wake Up and with Lakeviewer. It is more important for me to give & receive genuine comments than to count how many people visit. Cursory comments are disappointing; the ones with deeper feeling are more important. My friend Renee refers to her blog as a Salon where people can interact & converse & share differing thoughts. I love that idea.

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

"I've written this, as it's important to me that I explain myself and understand myself, cause that is the way I learn to move on and to change myself." And so we weave common threads... and I with a poet's pen...
http"//www.apogeepoet.blogspot.com

Rose Marie
APOGEE Poet

Walker said...

I don't know what to tell you.
I could say i have been there blah blah blah
I have
I could say I am addicted and I am but am not anymore.
Find the reason why you blog and you will free yourself to blog.
The comments are just reciepts from people who paid with their time to stop here and read what you have said.
It is what you have said.

how do i put this.
ok
I have two blogs
One where i get more than enough commets and one where i barely get any.
One.
I think he's a salker too LOL

Since January I hve written 80 posts on the one hardly anyone reads and 38 on the one i get lots of comments on.
Guess which one i like posting on the most.
Blog because you like it, thats all.
Don't measure what you do by the amout of follows or comments.
Measure it by how you feel when you finish a post.

And for gods sake smoke a fucken joint once in a while.

Picsie Chick said...

Thank you, Mandy. I love your blog, I love being your friend and I love you.

Recently something happened in my real life that brought up all those childhood feelings of inadequacy. Reading your post now gives me a feeling of kinship and acceptance. I remember many of those lost friends that suddenly disappeared, and the hurt that caused. Thank you today for giving me the strength to allow myself to feel hurt.

And each day I find a new picture and a new quote to help inspire myself and everyone who sees them. I always take way too many words (see?) to say what I want to, so all you see on my blog are the quotes of others. Maybe one of the reasons I don't interact with the few commenters I get is that same fear....that fear that if my words are there they won't come back. And yet, responses or not, you, my dear friend, come back over and over. Thank you.

Do what you need to with your blog and with your life. Know that you're loved.

Hugs and butterflies,
~PC~

ed said...

情趣用品,情趣,情色,成人,A片,自拍,情趣用品,情趣,色情,成人影片,色情影片,免費A片,情趣用品,情趣,成人網站,A片下載,日本AV,做愛,情趣用品,情趣,美女交友,A片,辣妹視訊,情色視訊,情趣用品,情趣,色情聊天室,聊天室,AV,成人電影,A片,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣,情趣情色,A片,AIO,AV,日本AV,色情A片,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,A片下載,情色A片,哈啦聊天室,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,色情聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,免費視訊聊天,上班族聊天室,080中部人聊天室,視訊聊天室,視訊聊天,成人聊天室,一夜情聊天室,辣妹視訊,情色視訊,成人,成人影片,成人光碟,成人影城,自拍情趣用品,A片,AIO,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,日本AV,寄情築園小遊戲,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,色情遊戲,一葉情貼圖片區,色情網站,色情影片,微風成人, 嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人影片,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,080視訊聊天室,視訊聊天室情趣用品,A片,aio,av,av女優,a漫,免費a片,aio交友愛情館,a片免費看,a片下載,本土自拍,自拍,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,一葉情貼圖片區,色情影片,情色網,色情網站,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人小說,成人電影情趣用品,情趣,情趣商品,自拍,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,H漫,A片,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,SEX,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣商品,A片,A片,A片,A片,A片,A片,中古車,二手車,情色小說,色情,情色視訊,寄情築園小遊戲,AIO交友愛情館,色情遊戲,情色交友,嘟嘟情人色網,言情小說,一葉情貼圖片區,情色論壇,色情影片,情色網,色情漫畫,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,視訊聊天室,080聊天室,視訊聊天,美女交友,視訊做愛,情色視訊,免費視訊A片,A片,A片下載,做愛,成人電影,18成人,日本A片,情色小說,情色電影,成人影城,自拍,情色論壇,成人論壇,情色貼圖,情色,免費A片,成人,成人光碟

J.J said...

I had been wondering if I had done something to upset you because of your sidebars, and that worried me. I guess we all have a level of paranoia when it comes to blogging.