Friday, 24 April 2009
GOOD /BAD- RIGHT/WRONG- HAPPY /SAD, IT'S ALL A CONSTANT JOURNEY
Since I'm so lousy at making comments after everyone who comes to my blog, and some interesting stuff has been raised by my last post, thought I'd make a big comment here.
Aside from the current 20 comments I've had emails and text messages about the post. So I've obviously churned up some emotion.
In writing it I wasn't wanting to portray myself as 'poor me', as was suggested in an email.I know I can go to that place, and when I do go there I really don't like myself. Because it strikes me I'm feeling sorry for myself, and when in this particular frame of mind I want someone else to make me better.
I know we all have the capacity for this, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. But it's not a place I ever stay for long. Not because I'm so damned clever, more to do with my belief in taking responsibility for myself. And knowing that, yes it is lovely when someone comes along to help make me better. But they actually can't, the only person who can make me better, is me.
So what I was doing in this post was being honest about feelings that I'm not proud of, jealousy, pettiness, insecurity etc. They are not easy feelings to own, but they happen in everyone from time to time, if not all three, then at least two of them!
How I operate as a person is not to control my feelings, but let them happen as they do inside me. So that sometimes I'm happy, sometimes sad, and all feelings in between.
When the feelings are good ones I try and hold on to them in a ridiculously impossible way for as long as possible, as feelings cannot be held they just occur.
When they are sad or difficult feelings I have to endure them, till they can pass. This is where my training as a therapist comes in, as I know how to do this. So even if I'm as miserable as sin, it won't last, cause I can beat it.
How do I do that, well I own it, by either talking the feelings over with someone, or more usually for me writing them down, as in the instance pre the post. This meant I sent a very long email to a close friend, who not only heard me, but offered wise advice.
But by the time his reply came back to me I'd found a way to cope with what I was feeling, simply cause I'd let it all out to him in the first place.... Thanks PP.
So the next morning the thoughts in my head were about trying to articulate what exactly was going on for me, warts'n'all. Trying to understand what I'd been going through, and why it was so powerful.
I obviously hit a nerve for many people, who actually owned that they had felt similar to me, whether in relation to my standpoint on the blog, or in relation to being socially isolated where they live. So this has made me pleased I've written the words, cause I think it's a good thing to share difficult stuff that affects our lives as well as the ups.
They were some amazingly wise words of support telling me to get a grip... actually no-one said that I'm paraphrasing very badly all the lovely supportive comments. And of them all I think Wake up summed it up wonderfully, when she said, would I rather have a few people who genuinely care about me, or would I rather have just a string of platitudinous comments. And of course there is no contest. I haven't spent the last two years making friends with so many people not to really care about them being in my life.
I hope that those people who were brave enough to own their difficulties will get something from the last post and all the other comments, and hopefully from this one as well.
And that I want you ALL to know how much I value my relationships with you. Whether I know you in person, by email or from the blogging world. As I've said before I wouldn't be where I am without you.
In conclusion I will carry on writing,I'd be lost without it. And I write here so I can get feedback, otherwise I'd just write a private journal. I will for now feel safe in myself and my relationships with you all. And cause it's me, when it gets tough again, I will tell you, just so I can move on further on my journey through life.