Wednesday, 27 August 2008
I got a present today all the way from Virginia. I'd been told that something was on it's way, but to get it and find what it was has been somewhat remarkable.
In the kitchen in Virginia was a clock, and on the hour as it struck a different bird would chirp, the owl at 12.00, a woodpecker, robin, goose and all the others. I was amazed at this clock. To have these noises going off every hour was magical, in the magical place I was visiting. It became a bit of a joke, as i had to hang around in front of it to catch all the birds on the hour.
Today I got such a clock!
Friendship and love are such vital commodities in our lives, and I must have been good in a previous life, as I am so blessed in this.
I just want to get on top of a mountain and tell everyone how wonderful every single one of my friends is, whether they are from 40 years ago or this summer!
When I think back to those days of my childhood and hold the hand of that lonely little girl who wandered round the playground desperately wanting someone to play with her. I know that she is now safe, I know that whatever went on in her mind, that isolation, the feeling of not being good enough, of being seen as stupid. All of those feelings that kept the little girl scared, they in relation to friendship no longer exist.
I am grateful now at my age that I went through all those horrible experiences.That I had to face myself in an unconscious way as that child. That I was able to make the decision to be different as soon as I had some power over myself.
And now that little girl skips beside me marvelling at now I did it. How little scared, stupid me got to be the me I am now. The person who has friends, real friends who I'd travel a long way for and I know would do the same for me.
I know it is my capacity to love my fellow human being that has allowed me to find this gift of friendship over the years. There is of course still the little voice that says I'm not worthy. But do you know, conceited as it sounds I'm beginning to think I am worthy.
That there is something in me that other people love, that others want my friendship as much as I want theirs. This feels on the one hand so right to own, but on the other the gremlin inside wants to destroy and ideas of being above my station.
But today, and possibly tomorrow I think I will not allow that side of me a voice, and instead will celebrate that not only am I privileged to have my friends but they actually are lucky to have me.
I can't tell you how difficult that last sentence is to leave in. I've rewritten it several times. I have beaten myself up for being so immodest. And what has stopped me taking it out is the knowledge that all the lovely people I can call friends are not my friends cause they feel sorry for me. They are my friends cause they like/love me. And to acknowledge that seems more important than preserving my need for modesty right now.
So to all the people who are my friends, those in real life, from pre- blogging, those who have become my friends in real life through blogging and those that are friends in blog world. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I couldn't live this life if it wasn't for you.
I got this in a text the other day and it seems apt to leave it here:
"Received from a friend and now sent to another friend. Don't walk behind me,I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend"
Sums it up really, don't you think?
The photograph is of the astonishing piece of stained glass that Sorrow gave me from the things she had made. Anyone who loves beautiful pottery or glass should commission her work. She is so talented and gifted. And very definitely my friend.