Thursday, 3 July 2008
STRESS AND ANXIETY AND THAT'S JUST THE THERAPIST!!!
Everybody needs a bunch of flowers now and again, and these are for you.
Now I know I don't have to feel guilty, but I do, so you'll have to put up with it.
I feel guilty cause I'm not getting to go to any of the people I care abouts blogs.
I like to read and comment, I think it's important. Otherwise what right have I to be read. But right now it's just not possible and I need to tell you why.
At the moment, my sleep is really bad, it's never that good anyway. Last night being typical, awake between 1 and 2am. Back to sleep till 4 then awake again. Finally giving in at 6.30.
I know my anxiety levels are high at the moment. On a personal level, I am scared about sailing on Saturday, but I think I know why now. Part of learning to helm is co-ordination, and one thing I'm not good at, is that. In the same way as I have no eye / ball co-ordination. The idea of learning how to hold the tiller and the mainsail rope and know what to do with them when tacking, in that you have to sort things out behind your back is so not happening for me.
I know I went off at the deep end yesterday when I hooked so thoroughly into a cancer scare. Which I also know will be part of my life for ever. And, that when it happens it's for a short while utterly unbearable, till I get it sorted it whatever way.
But mainly what is getting to me at the moment is my therapy work load. Which in itself is not very many hours. Twelve contact hours a week is about average currently. What the problem is, is the depth of people's pain that I am holding right now. Now like every professional therapist I have supervision. I have an hour and a half every month. Normally this is plenty to keep me on top of my game.
Unfortunately now that isn't enough, and my support network is away, so I'm stuck with trying to hold it all together.
Monday I saw the woman whose son hung himself two years ago, who's now terrified of driving and having panic attacks.
The woman who is the same age as the first woman's son who simply wants to die. So she takes daily overdoses and has been starving herself for the last few months.
The man who has been so badly bullied at work that he is contemplating ending his life as it has all been for nothing.
The man who is depressed cause of not being able to deal with his family relating to his past military experiences.
The woman who is trying to come to terms with her marital break up.
Today; the women trying to cope with sexual deviancy in an ex partner. The woman who hates herself so much that no-one else could possibly think she is worth knowing. The woman who's struggling with motherhood for the first time and a partner who is not supporting her and just yells at her cause she's changed. The success of this week.... The man who feels that he has finished therapy cause he's learnt healthier ways to deal with his past and is no longer haunted by it... YES!. Ending with the teenager who's 5'7" and 98lbs /45 k, who is anorexic.( all of these are variations on reality to protect confidentiality)
And for each of these people I have to be energised and caring. I have to give them my complete attention. To find ways to communicate with them to help them make sense of what they are going through. I've got 5 new referrals this week. I'm giving up my lunch breaks in the next couple of weeks cause people's pain is so bad and I'm going on holiday in the middle of the month. And I can't just say tough luck come back in August.
Everyone needs hope, and I'm so bloody good at helping people feel it. As I got told today and probably most days. "I was frightened before I came to see you, but now I feel better and I feel that I can find a way out of this"
I'm only telling you this just so you bear witness. I don't want any solutions. I know the solutions and one of them will happen in my going away and having some me time for a couple of weeks. It is one of the reasons I'm now so addicted to walking it mends my soul.
Just as eating a really healthy salad after a glass oz fizz works to, as I have done tonight
As does writing this.
I love my work with a passion. I cannot imagine ever doing anything else. I have loved helping people through talking since I was 16, when I persuaded a girl that life was worth living after she'd taken an overdose and being admitted to the ward where I was a cadet nurse.
I get an enormous amount from my work... to know that there are people alive because of me is a privilege. To know that people have found contentment in their lives when they only had pain is the greatest reward I could ever have.
It's just a bit tough right now. So thank you for reading. And for caring as I've no doubt you will.
It's a very odd thing blogging, more times than not I feel more loved and cherished in this world than I do in reality, with the exception of my wonderful friends and my boys. And it is for this reason I've told you all of this tonight. It's safe to tell you and that counts for a lot in my world.