Fear is so extraordinary.
Life is going along, doing all the things that life does.
Then something that I've been aware of for a while and have been ignoring got mentioned when I was having a routine blood test this morning.
I was told I knew what to do, and I do, I should see a doctor.
I went to make the appointment, the receptionist reacted immediately I have to see the duty doc at 5pm tonight.
So then I got on with my day, with friends out walking without saying a thing.
I've just changed my clothes so the doc can examine me easier and now I'm so fucking scared.
I've had sodding cancer I don't want it again.
I know two things, woman mainly get cancerous moles on their limbs and that most people's moles are fine and are removed as a precaution.
And right at this moment before I start whatever process I'm going to go through that I will cope whether little or huge, won't matter. I know how to deal with stuff
But also right at this moment as I stand on the edge of the cliff I'm scared. I want to feel someones arms round me telling me I'll be OK. I know my sons will do this for me when I get to see them. I know my friends will be there for me.If only I told them.
At this moment I'm alone, and writing this to stop myself pacing the floor and crying. Not that there is anything wrong with doing those things. But I know that I need to know what is going on and not just hook into my fear.
I know being scared is not just about a mole on my leg it's about the stuff that I don't think I will ever stop worrying about at some level. I don't think you can have had cancer and not go straight to that place when something comes near it in my fears.
This is something I am sentenced to have to deal with.
Life or death, it's such a no brainer and so fucking precious.