Wednesday, 2 July 2008


Fear is so extraordinary.
Life is going along, doing all the things that life does.
Then something that I've been aware of for a while and have been ignoring got mentioned when I was having a routine blood test this morning.
I was told I knew what to do, and I do, I should see a doctor.
I went to make the appointment, the receptionist reacted immediately I have to see the duty doc at 5pm tonight.

So then I got on with my day, with friends out walking without saying a thing.

I've just changed my clothes so the doc can examine me easier and now I'm so fucking scared.

I've had sodding cancer I don't want it again.

I know two things, woman mainly get cancerous moles on their limbs and that most people's moles are fine and are removed as a precaution.

And right at this moment before I start whatever process I'm going to go through that I will cope whether little or huge, won't matter. I know how to deal with stuff

But also right at this moment as I stand on the edge of the cliff I'm scared. I want to feel someones arms round me telling me I'll be OK. I know my sons will do this for me when I get to see them. I know my friends will be there for me.If only I told them.

At this moment I'm alone, and writing this to stop myself pacing the floor and crying. Not that there is anything wrong with doing those things. But I know that I need to know what is going on and not just hook into my fear.

I know being scared is not just about a mole on my leg it's about the stuff that I don't think I will ever stop worrying about at some level. I don't think you can have had cancer and not go straight to that place when something comes near it in my fears.

This is something I am sentenced to have to deal with.
Life or death, it's such a no brainer and so fucking precious.


nitebyrd said...

(((HUG and holding tight))) I can't be there in person but I'll be with you in spirit.

I work for a dermatologist and the majority of moles are removed as a precaution.

Telling you not to be scared is foolish. Go ahead, be scared but also be positive that this mole is just an ugly bump and nothing more. I, certainly won't think otherwise. My positive thoughts are being sent right now.

FunkyMunky said...

Thinking of you and hoping against hope that your worst fears are unfounded.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oh BB, I'm sorry you're going through this again. Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts, plus the odd virtual hug! Please let us know asap how you got on at the GP's, love BG x

ChrisH said...

You've faced your fear and done something about it. I hope that all is well.

Bollinger Byrd said...

lovely, lovely people. Thank you. I cannot tell you what your support means to me.
And thankfully this time it was all ok.

love byrd

Walker said...

Fear is a powerful emotion as is hope.
Always go with hope, it spells relief much better.

trousers said...

Looking back on this and knowing that all is well, these are very strong and brave words x

Bollinger Byrd said...

walker hope is good and I go for it always once I stop twitching!

you know me trousers hope over experience works every time!!

bbx xx