As so many of you know I love Christmas with a grand passion, mainly cause I suspend belief in being a grown up and get off on the whole fairy tale element of the season. I don't take any notice of the adverts from September extolling the virtues of Christmas, except perhaps to get really mad that it gets earlier and earlier each year. But even that is understandable, we are all collectively in hard times, unless were bankers! And everyone has to make a living. I ignore the foul Christmas 'muzac' in the shops and the attempts to entice me into spending more. I just don't need them I can create my own magic in just looking forward to giving to people I love, whether in the form of presents or even better in meals together. The whole thing is an anticipated enchantment.
All this means is, that once it's done I fall so far and so flatly back to earth, it's a wonder it doesn't cause a tsunami! My eldest son going back to London was so painful. After four days of his delightful company it was a lonely house on Wednesday. But I got over it with a lot of effort on my part to change my thinking from being downbeat into moving forward. My thinking is always helped my looking outwards, I do not know what I would do without garden birds to stare at frankly.
So Friday dawned with a need to finally open my self help book and write something, alongside writing letters to potential customers of my emotional wellbeing training. So I felt I'd had a productive day, and given myself a new and unknown future.
Saturday, bizarrely I woke up thinking I had to clean my stove, a very rare thought indeed. But a thought that enabled me to actually do the task, so I could at least claim I clean my cooker every year!!!!. That alongside taking my youngest to the train station with his girlfriend for him to go to London to spend the new year with his bro filled the morning. Then my walking pals demanded I came out for a walk into town and back, which was lovely.
Then I came home and shut the door.... and then it started to get difficult. New Year for me is something to be avoided like the plague, if I'm with others I tend to get very drunk and behave badly. I prefer to spend it on my own. Although if I was really given a choice I'd spend it with someone I love, but that can only happen when there is someone fulfilling that position. One that has now been vacant for several years.
I got through New Year's Eve, I had it planned, a couple of glasses of real champagne, a beautifully cooked meal and an escapist movie and bed by 10pm. Even that meant I couldn't sleep and got so fed up, put the light back on till the witching hour to read, turned it off to listen to the fireworks, give greetings to the dog and got to sleep.
But today has been absolutely fucking awful, I have felt so alone. I've texted everyone I can. I can in a while phone up a couple of mates, which will be fine, and there is some fantastic Sherlock Holmes to watch on the box. So I know the evening will be fine.
Getting through the isolation of the day has been tough, I've channel hoped on the radio, too damned cheerful by far. I've listened to CDs, all sodding love songs. I've cooked myself a healthy lunch and had two more glasses of champagne. As soon as here is done I'll take Trix out for a walk in the rain and then although it's early I can start my evening.
I am so lucky not to hook into this frightful alone pain too often. I really feel for people who are lonely long term, it just sucks as an emotion. I am so privileged that I know so much about psychology that even when I'm going through the bad stuff ,I also know it will pass and I will with a bit of effort push the bad stuff right out the door where it belongs.
I feel for all the people who have been and are alone on this 'coupley' time, it's not a good time to be alone. But hey the day has nearly done, and tomorrow like they say, is another day.
So I wish everyone who has experienced feelings of aloneness in a bad way last night and today a big enveloping hug of warmth from one human being to another. Just Valentine's Day to get through now and we'll all be on the home run!!!!!!
Picture is of my birthday with me and my beloved sons around for the day
