Self hate so corrosive.
Self esteem banished to the shed,
Being nice doesn't work, even tough they said.
Bottling up pain and sadness
No-one will love me, I'm such a mess.
The fear strangles in the night,
Anger throttles with incoherent words tumbling in my brain.
I didn't need to shoot the messenger they weren't to blame.
The pills just make me fuzzy
And make me aware of the aloneness in me.
Won't someone hear me,and hold me tight
Let me walk close by,and into the light.
The doc said go talk to her,she's not fluffy or sweet
She listened and looked at me as I told her my tale
Then what she said is etched on my brain
She looked at me and said, I'm not fucking surprised
The burden you carry is too bloody big,
No wonder they said you should see the shrink.
Where shall I sign
When do I start.
And that's what I do, I listen and look, I start with myself
And then on to you.
My clients the people I'm paid to see
The ones who want to move from loathing to love
Who start with having faith in me
And whadda yer know, they get it as well
The place of self love, the future is bright
No more fear, in the dead of the night
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I love what I do professionally, I love my work. I love the fact that someone walks into my life hating themselves, and walks away a while later wondering how they ever thought that was a good place to be.
I love that I can make an impact on people's lives,both intentionally and unintentionally (as here sometimes) That people who never thought they could feel anything other than self hate can learn to love themselves. Not in a conceited and overpowering way, just as being equal to everyone around them.
I am privileged to have these skills, and I'm oh so grateful.
To know that there are people still walking around on this planet, cause I helped them find hope, is awesome
I've written the poem this morning as a tribute to my lovely clients at the moment, who are all working so hard, as I am, to help them find the way out of the morass that brought them to my door in the first place.
And imparticular to the client that for the first time last week realised that their future doesn't have to be a planned death, it could be a natural one further down the line. Part of wants to say how did that happen, but that's the part of me that is modest and unassuming about what I do. But the part of me that knows I now how to find the right words, to help someone find a way to heal, knows it was because of me.
And whether anyone believes that my voice is God given or not (something I don't have the answer to, and why should I anyway?) It is there and it works and I'm thankful for that.
I think I live my life to the full because of the work I do, I think it's taught me that we're here for such a short time and that we cannot waste a moment of it. Life is there for drinking up and not just existing. And of course I know I have bad times(as you all know to!!) But the fact that I use my self and my experiences to learn about human nature and then hand my knowledge on means the circle gets completed over and over again in me, and in others. And I don't have the words to say how that makes me feel at all.
