I've been in a dark place recently.
A place where I felt terrible grief, like unrelenting waves crashing over me from a stormy sea.
I have felt stressed
I have felt alone
I have felt scared
And I have felt unable to tell anyone till yesterday, other than hint at it here.
When I get like this I have a tendency to get somewhat paranoid, and go to a place where I believe no-one likes me. When I feel like this is becomes almost impossible to ask for help and support.
I know that this is a stupid place and eventually I will be able to talk myself into admitting how I feel to my friends.
Who without fail are never anything other than caring and supportive.
Of course, I realise that this place I go to is the one where, the little girl had no friends at school and would wander round the school grounds at lunch time, pretending it didn't matter that no-one wanted to play with her.
I know that the little girl still takes a teddy wherever she goes just in case she's alone and needs a friend. The bears that go with me, two of them are 2" high and they live in my handbag when I go travelling. They come into their own when I'm stuck at airports and feeling lost.
But the little girl over the years has made friends, wonderful ones who are so caring about their friend, that they are always there when I can admit I'm not coping.
And I would just like to pay tribute to them tonight.
Sorrow, who I let know that I wasn't doing well who responded by holding me gently in her thoughts
Eve, after my calling her up at 3am my time, 9pm hers and told her how I felt sent me an email this morning, telling that I had to remember that what I was doing, I was doing for love. And once I accepted that, it would be okay.
Max, who opened her email... byrd, silly old bear, and went on to gently let me know that she wasn't upset with me, as in my mad thinking I'd decided she was.
Angela, who suggested I send on some information to her and I ended up pouring my heart out to and she responded with a wonderful warm response never having spoken to me before.
Roger and Ed, two guys who are helping me in my new business venture, which is not going as I would like but who were just lovely to me when I talked about what was going on for me and both said that they were always at the end of a phone and that I wasn't to struggle alone.
JB, who when I went round her house this afternoon just hugged me, passed me the tissues and listened and then hugged me again.
And this doesn't even include the lovely blog people who have picked up that I've not been happy and sent loving thoughts to me, especially my lovely friend Trousers.
I feel held and cherished by all of you, and it gives me the strength to let go of my paranoid thinking and know that I am loved. And that it is okay to be loved and not just my job to love and not think I can't have it in return. I am no longer that 10 year old child, but I do need to look after her and accept that I am nowadays lovable.
