Honestly there are some days when I want to put myself in a cupboard and shut the door, so as I don't have to listen to myself anymore. I'm beginning to really annoy myself. I'd like to have a couple of hours break from my mind.
And what's really annoying is, that if I just wasn't feeling so indolent and did something I'd have that break.
It is easier to wander round feeling hard done to than do a big chore like clean the windows, which are filthy. And I'm doing such a fine job in sabotaging myself, as in it will rain again soon, what's the point?
So my head is full of miserable stuff, I woke up feeling it and I know that if I don't sort myself out it will get progressively worse during the day, till I feel like a caged animal.
By bringing it here I'm hopefully going to shame myself into doing something.
Something that will use up some physical energy and I'll have something clean to admire when I'm done.
There is no point in allowing myself to wallow in this mire. There are things I cannot do anything about. So to just wait for them to happen is very counter productive.
Just because I'm here at home, with no plans to see anyone does not mean that I should go into Poor Me. But it's oh so tempting.....
AAARRRGGGHHHH!
It does feel sometimes increasingly difficult to motivate myself, and I partly blame this on this machine. I have chores to do, I have lovely books to read, I have a book to write, I have food to cook, I have lots of everything, and yet, and yet, I still hook into sitting in front of this hoping that someone has passed by my way since I last looked ten minutes earlier.....
This is just a plain addiction pure and simple. Mainly cause I have such wonderful email friends, but even they are only going to pass by my door once a day at most, and I know that, and know that I do the same with them. But I'm still dependant on checking.
Once upon a time in the days before computers I had shopping! I was always out mooching round the shops, whether I bought anything or not, didn't matter. It was the joy of looking. This activity bores me rigid nowadays.
Of course I can only be completely grateful that my addictions in life are not too damaging!!
I have to argue with myself not to come here. I do deals, right do this, and then you can look etc. And I know that this need to gobble up all my emails is never satisfied. And I know that has nothing to do with the wonderful people who write to me. And that it's all to do with my needs.
My need not to have to face myself. And yet I'm really good at doing that, hence writing this. Cause this will be another insight made fact by writing it down, that I can no longer ignore.
It is okay to feel empty, it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel trapped and waiting.
But what is important is to not let that negativity rule my life. Yep, I can feel it, and have it sloshing round me for a while. But I cannot, and will not let it stay there building up inside me into a feeling of self hate. I've worked too hard to let that take me over.
All of which means that I will be disciplined today, I will do some chores that I know will feel great when they are done, in that wonderful self satisfied way that hard graft gives you. And that they will have moved my Poor Me back into the cupboard for a while. Then next time it escapes I'll do it all again.
So excuse me but I've got things to do, no don't hold me back, they need doing. And yes I will carry on my addictive checking, but maybe I can be strong enough to make it hourly.... HAHAHA!!!!
