Sunday, 9 May 2010

Walking saves my mind

Camilla in my garden outside the front door

Rhodhendrum (SP?) flowers on my walk

Flowering Cherry on the same walk this morning

Don't you just hate it when you've been ticking along nicely. Not feeling too bad and occasionally really good, when life conspires against you to put you back in the anxiety zone.

This last week has been a case in point, a week last Friday my youngest did something that troubled him. It took him two days to get round to being able to tell me what was going on with him. At the same time I was taking on some responsibility for my Uncle. Many friends who contacted me last week had big troubles that they needed someone to vent with.

Result, anxiety state for me. I have spent the week waiting for something to happen, nothing has of course,anxiety is anything but logical!

One of the things I am good at controlling is my breathing, so from that point of view I have managed to hold those horrible feelings of increasing panic away for the most part. But I have felt completely worn out, which again given that I am fighting my inner demons not to feel the anxiety, and to allow the emotion out in a healthy way, is not surprising.

It's as well the man walking his dog the other day, who was ill mannered to me, when I asked him to keep his unleashed dog away from mine, couldn't hear me after he passed by. He was a wonderful catalyst for my need to have a good swear and mutter to myself. My anger with him was sustained all the way round my walk and the expletives I used, did me proud!

In fact I think without being able to dog walk I'd be completely mad, as this morning having woken up from a series of anxiety dreams, all of them disturbing I went muttering out loud on my walk. I talked out loud to the main protagonist in my current anxiety, yep youngest son AGAIN! He,of course was not on the walk with me, but that wasn't the point. The point was to release my pent up frustrations, without anyone elses point of view interfering in my need to rant.

The other thing that I've become aware of is in all this exhaustion I cannot cook. Or rather I cannot be bothered to. Which is a rare event as I love cooking. But this week any 'proper' meals have been made by youngest, and left to my own devices I seem to exist on a diet of toast and fresh tomatoes.

Of course being the 'good mother' I had been beating myself up for not doing what I normally do, till I realised that it was simply part of dealing with those inner demons of anxiety.

Now I don't want this to be a diatribe against my youngest son, cause the anxiety is mine. And what I'm aware of that nowadays the length of my piece of string between feeling ok and not, is extremely short.Whether this is age related, or as a result of all of I've gone through, I don't know. And of course when I'm not in an anxiety state, I'm calm and unworried to the point of being positively bovine!

It takes though very little for me to go from feeling absolutely fine to feeling twitched and nervy.In fact when I was visiting my eldest recently it happened, and him being the calm person he is, helped me look at what happened to me to get me there. Now being a therapist and trained nurse I do understand all the physical manifestations going on in the nervous system, then the release of adrenaline and then increased oxygen intake.

It is more difficult to understand the unconscious processes of my mind. But each time a wave gets me, if I can sit on my own shoulder for a moment and think about what is happening, I can uncover another bit of the jigsaw of anxiety. So yesterday working out that the exhaustion of dealing with those inner demons stopped me having the energy to cook was a big step forward. As today I can allow myself to feel fine about it, and so having removed the unquestioned dread by making it a statement I now feel ready to cook. Which is just as well as I have a Sunday lunch to do!

It's a fantastic morning here weather wise,so I'm going to have breakfast in the garden and make a list or two for my holiday later this week. I've got an interesting trip, Devon, Thursday; Poland, Friday; Devon, Monday; Cornwall,Tuesday; Devon,Friday and home Saturday. So not sure if I'll get back here before I go as I've got a lot to cram into the next three days. But no doubt on my return I'll have lots to say as I'm going to Auschwitz next Saturday in amongst all the other things I'm planning on doing.


Merry ME said...

"Positively bovine" what a great description.

I understand the feelings well. Anxiety does have a way of sneaking in and holding on. Glad you are able to walk and swear!

Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Traveling.

Vaya con Dios

trousers said...

I've been in a similar zone over the last week, albeit for different reasons. Let's keep breathing deeply. x

speck of dust said...

I relate to letting all my usual womanly tasks go to hell when I'm exhausted. I think this is big progress for me! But does mean dealing with the guilt that might come up. And last night I took a sleeping pill because I was so frazzled from dealing with the crazy 2 year old and then an angry husband, I knew I wouldn't sleep well. The only days I get on top of the anxiety are days when I've exhausted myself gardening or cycling, a day when my boy is at nursery, and days when I haven't had any dealings with grumpy people (I would be swearing at that man too). I'm not surprised so many parents drink. Getting out in nature walking as much as possible is so good. But what the hell has happened to the weather?!?!? Argh!

AkasaWolfSong said...

Well, breathe deep Dear Woman!
I seem to have the anxiety bug too and perhaps it is a condition of age, I don't know. At the end of the day swearing and walking are beneficial as Merry ME stated.

Personally I love toast and tomatoes and eat them every chance I get? I don't like cooking for one, so whatever is easy is great for me.

Enjoy your time away from home base and revive your spirit and soul!

Happy Mother's Day Dear!

Paula said...

The chores of doing house work or cooking, normally nicely called "self care" is the frist I abandon when anxious or depressive! Isnt it nice that we both have relaxed our minds and hearts among the trees today :-)
Love and hugs to you.

Lyn said...

Mandy, I feel for you going through such a time of high anxiety. Life is funny like that; full of highs and lows and times that test us. It's probably a good thing that you have so many adventures to look forward to in the next few weeks. I will look forward to your subsequent posts about your trips and travels. Until then... a hug from me to you, over the great big sea.


Miss Robyn said...

And what I'm aware of that nowadays the length of my piece of string between feeling ok and not, is extremely short.Whether this is age related, or as a result of all of I've gone through - all of the above..same here with me..
I liked reading this post Pix, could relate to alot.. specially the muttering to self

you seem to have a busy time planned travelling! can ya give Cornwall a hug for me?

Angela said...

Oh, you`re going to Auschwitz - oh man. I don`t know if I could bear it. THAT would give me anxiety, to think of all the destroyed lives...

When "normal" anxiety creeps up on me, I do the same as you, take long walks, mutter to myself, read books with plots, but then I try to think - is it really important? Really really? And usually I must admit, life will go on, no matter.
Dzien dobre, Mandy! Dzienkuje!

diney said...

I'm a great advocate of talking to myself too. It is a great catharsis, and if the dog is with you on the walk that's even better as you get nothing but adoration back from them! Hope you have a lovely break.

Mel said...

Auschwitz was a very powerful experience for me. It'll be interesting to hear how you experience it.

And wow do you have a busy time of it coming up--which is good. It'll bring you back to what's in front of you--or you'll let 'it' cheat you from enjoying the holiday(s).

As for that 'breathing' jazz--that I know how to do. And I'm accustomed to talking things out of my head so I'm not letting them interfere with the present moment. I'm not too keen on walking a dog (mostly cuz I don't have one..LOL). But I am keen on swearing like a trucker and appearing like an insane woman to anyone who stumbles across it. LOL It's good for my bloodpressure--which, by the way, is NOT high nor has it ever been!

k....that's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL

Happy Journey! And let what's his, be his, eh?

(((((((( the byrdie ))))))))))

Helen said...

Good morning!
At least I hope it is for you.

I won't bother you with my issues today ~ you deserve a break.

In out / in out / in out!

nitebyrd said...

I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day! It's good that you have something that will allow you to start sorting yourself out. I'm still looking for that.

Have a safe trip!

Zan said...

Yep housework definitely goes down the drain with me too days like that! There's simply no energy.

Sounds like a wonderful trip you have planned! I hope it all works out and that you'll have a fab journey. And hopefully the weather will stay nice and warm!
Don't forget to bring a box of tissues with you to Auschwiz!


P.s thanks for all ur helpful comments lately. xx

Beatnheart said...

Oh Byrd your so funny...Oh yeah anxiety...well I have chocolate or wine or beer. Yoga has helped...but I don't sleep well so I'm always tired... but yadda yadda, life goes on day great , the next day not so much. Living in a busy, crowded mean city doesn't could be mellow as all get out and end up in an idiot traffic jam and there it all goes down the tubes. I like to grab a book, hot cup of tea, lie in bed...that seems to cure it all...Listen to music, play music...I do whatever it takes...blogging helps now as well..