Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Pam had an interesting post yesterday about how she had changed in the two years she'd been blogging. And she asked her readers to say how we'd changed. Well I realised that the last two years have been monumental for me and I'd have had to write an essay in her comments. So I thought I'd do it here instead!
So this time two years ago I was at the tail end of a short four month relationship with a fellow blogger. We'd had a bit of a whirlwind passion going, which involved us both travelling a lot of miles to see one another alternate weekends.
It had been a destructive four months for me in lots of ways I see now. And also very revealing about myself. In that for the first time I was asked to question my behaviour in relation to men I was going out with, by this man.
I became aware that since I was a teenager I'd not really felt very lovable and so to get a man because I was a woman who'd read Fear of Flying by Erica Jong I would use sex as a way to start a relationship. So the bloke was on to a great thing, there he was getting great sex with seemingly this together woman. And then as I felt safer I'd start to become more vulnerable and needy. This wasn't what the men I went out with had bargained for and suddenly the relationship was not so straightforward as they'd thought. So relationships became a minefield of my wanting something the men didn't want to give.
At that time my blog was in a state of flux as I'd shut it down after this relationship. This was historical, as in my first blog the week after I started it, the man who helped set it up, who I'd been going out with for almost a year, broke up with me.I was completely devastated as I'd thought he was a forever man and I'd loved him very deeply. This then meant that my very broken heart got played out on my blog. And I simply didn't want my to do this again with my anger at that time.
The relationship ended and I went as ever to America to stay with my best friend. During this trip over I hired a car and drove for 7 hours down to meet Sorrow~.Being with her for three days was a revelation. We climbed mountains and talked, sat in porches/ kitchens and talked, walked her labyrinth and talked sitting on the bench beside it. And one of the many things that emerged for me was how I was metamorphosing. I described myself as feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes and Fire Byrd was born.
The last two years have been a real emotional roller coaster, a massive voyage of discovery. To the point today that I feel for the first time in my life totally at peace with myself. I work at living in the moment, and even more so in knowing that bad/difficult/scary feelings won't last.
And as for relationships with men, well I haven't had one now for two years and that is absolutely fine. As where I am now I will not behave as I used to, and it feels that any man interested in me is only going to get my attention my being friends with me first. Or being the one to do an awful lot of work to convince me it's worth letting go of my inner peace with my aloneness. And I know my self worth is now strong enough that I do not have to use sex as a way to get a man. I am finally better than that.
NB I don't thonk I made it clear enough in the above, but blogging has done this for me. If I hadn't written and written the thousands of words I have in the last three years I wouldn't have changed. As I would never have identified my patterns of behaviour however much they were pointed out to me.
So on top of that it is the friendship and support of my friends here that has held me whilst I changed from a caterpiller into this beautiful butterfly that I never envisaged I could be.