Friday, 27 November 2009

Juxtapostion is a wonderful word, but difficult living with!


As ever in my life, I'm back to being my glass half full self. So thank you for all your wonderful supportive comments, they were just all encompassing in their warmth and hugs. And I feel well cherished.

I have continued in my doing 'things' as well, and have even sorted out and taken a massive pile of books to the charity shop, returned the crutches to the hospital, got as many of the presents sorted out for Christmas as I've either thought of, or know what people want.

Have prepared parcels to send in a few days. I just love wrapping stuff up.
So I get the item to be parcelled, wrap it in coloured tissue paper, wrap it in shiny silver paper(always)tie ribbon around the parcel, this year it's either dark or leaf green. Then, if it is to be posted wrap in bubble wrap enclosing a few gold coloured snow flakes, and finally wrap in brown paper or a jiffy bag.

My presents themselves may not be spectacular inside, but the wrapping is fantastic!

The Advent Calender is awaiting for me to put drawing pins in it and put it on the wall by my desk. I utterly adore Advent Calenders, but always old fashioned ones with no ridiculous chocolate or toys, just little pictures of angels or toys or whatever.

And that is all I can do at the moment, wait,which seems to be the story of my life this year! There can be no other preparation until after the 8th December. My youngest son goes back to court then, so although every finger and toe is crossed for a good result, we both have to work with the worst case scenario, just in case.

So no tree until after that date, no fairy lights, or wreath on the door. Then whatever happens those things will occur, hopefully with us both doing the decorating together as we always do.The decorating is done accompanied by the CD from the boys childhoods of Christmas songs, and large glasses of Baileys on the rocks.

When it's all done the house lights are all turned off, and whomever is around sits in front of the real tree and admires it and talks for a while about hopes and fears. And even if I have to do this alone this year, I will do it, maybe I won't talk out loud though!

Cause even if youngest gets a custodial sentence the need for me to have Christmas will be overwhelming,at least in terms of having a tree to look at and to smell.

So now all the pair of us can do is be kind to each other as we both have our own ways of dealing with stress, YS gets increasingly angry, and I get increasingly scared and anxious, which in turn makes me stupid, and that gets him crosser as I become ever more inarticulate. But I have told him that this is going to happen to us, and that we need to be as careful as we can with each other, as our stress levels rise.

This then is the juxtaposition I'm living with for the next couple of weeks, the enjoyment of Christmas coming with all it's lovely preparations and the fear of what will transpire in court.

Hey yo, life is as ever difficult!

And in retrospect seems I started my New Year too early, when I started it in September! So I think I'll now revert to the same date as the rest of the world, and just hope that the last 18 months are it, as far as difficulty and horror are concerned for some time, and that the bad times can be put behind us.

14 comments:

Sage said...

I will keep the date in my mind and hope for a positive outcome as a custodial sentence is not always useful as a punishment and they may take a more lenient view xx

Paula said...

Honey, I will the date in my mind and here in Germany we do not put up decoration til cloe to X-mas anyway. But many have something called "Adventskranz" advent wreath with 4 candles to illustrate the 4 week before X-mas. Hugs to you and watch this half full glas.

kj said...

my fingers are crossed for you. i can just feel that holiday spirit wanting to burst forth, and i hope it finds a way to carry you and your family into a festive fine place.

i need your email address. i thought i was doing such a good job of helping emily with her charity work, so how did i overlook you, my dear friend?

send me an email, and i'll send you an address. karenjasper@comcast.net.

oky doky?

hang tight.

love
kj

Merry ME said...

Can I come over to your house and sit in your living room to look at and smell the tree? Then maybe I won't have to climb the stairs, rummage through the closet, cart the boxes downstairs, set up the decorations, and do everything else that wears me out before we even buy a tree that has been cut so long ago that it only faintly smells of pine.

Your house sounds so perfectly Christmasy I hope in the quiet of the coming evenings, you'll find the peace you are looking for.

Mel said...

Well, shoot.

You'd think--with stressful circumstances being a motivator for folks like me--I'd have the whole house decorated AND the holiday cards made.

*sigh*
Riiigghhttt....

I'm envious of the things done--not so envious of the position you and your kiddo find yourselves in.
Been there.
Done that.
Sucked.....'wait' sucks.

((((((( the byrdie )))))))

So does being this far behind on the holiday stuff.... :-/

Lori ann said...

I'm hoping and sending little prayers your way, that everything will all be okay. you are not alone.
xxx

Anonymous said...

your son not being a persistant offender will probably get bound over to keep the peace maybe some community payback/probation its affray not manslaughter so worry less live more

juri

Grammy said...

Many thoughts of love and light sent your way. I in the past let my kids lives destroy mine. Today I live with. The only thing to fear is fear it's self. By JFK. And it works. As thing do not turn out as bad as the fear we live with before that day happens. And My daughter now goes from bad back to ok in no time. So I can not take on her energy . As I sent her all of mine before I cam down sick this time. I can no longer do it. You have to realize things happen for a reason and it is just something he is required to learn from. You did nothing wrong. Your job it just to love him and see him through. Do not take it personal. As you need to be strong to advise him to stay strong. Sorry I mean well with my words. As I have been through much.

Crafty Green Poet said...

Fingers crossed for a positive outcome for your son,....

Pam said...

I've noted the 8th Byrdie, in my across-the-seas support.I will be thinking of you both.The times I've had to wait in my life,are actually worse than the outcome date. Even challenging outcomes,as you know, mean that "right, now I know what I'm dealing with".At best, there is enormous relief, but not knowing is that twilight area that's unbearable and just yuck.It's good that you're both working around, and acknowledging to each other how much stress is involved.Keep strong.Have fun with your advent calender. I think they are lovely too.xxx

Picsie Chick said...

Oh, Mandy, such is the way of life. Always both sides of every emotion are with us, and we walk the fine line of balance between them. Savoring each moment of bliss, content or peace, stoicly moving through each episode of difficulty, drama or worry.

Keep the worry at bay, let our well wishes, prayers and butterflies ensure a happy outcome. And savor every day of advent as Christmas approaches. It's a magical time of year, regardless of which beliefs you follow. Let the magic happen and feel the stress wash away.

Sending you big hugs and butterflies.

CheekyDani said...

A new New Year coming for all of us. And many hopes for this festive season. Here's hoping that this brings many positive outcomes for you and your family. x

Zan said...

oooh you just reminded me that I've forgotten to get an advent calendar for my daughter. doh!
your christmas spirit began tickling my christmas spirit, must get up in the attic and take all the decorations down!
xx

nitebyrd said...

I'll hold the date in my mind and will send you and your son positive energy. It's a scary thing but something he must deal with. My son has done it as well. Consequences seem so much more real when you're staring them in the face.

Advent calendars are so much fun!