Friday, 27 November 2009
Juxtapostion is a wonderful word, but difficult living with!
As ever in my life, I'm back to being my glass half full self. So thank you for all your wonderful supportive comments, they were just all encompassing in their warmth and hugs. And I feel well cherished.
I have continued in my doing 'things' as well, and have even sorted out and taken a massive pile of books to the charity shop, returned the crutches to the hospital, got as many of the presents sorted out for Christmas as I've either thought of, or know what people want.
Have prepared parcels to send in a few days. I just love wrapping stuff up.
So I get the item to be parcelled, wrap it in coloured tissue paper, wrap it in shiny silver paper(always)tie ribbon around the parcel, this year it's either dark or leaf green. Then, if it is to be posted wrap in bubble wrap enclosing a few gold coloured snow flakes, and finally wrap in brown paper or a jiffy bag.
My presents themselves may not be spectacular inside, but the wrapping is fantastic!
The Advent Calender is awaiting for me to put drawing pins in it and put it on the wall by my desk. I utterly adore Advent Calenders, but always old fashioned ones with no ridiculous chocolate or toys, just little pictures of angels or toys or whatever.
And that is all I can do at the moment, wait,which seems to be the story of my life this year! There can be no other preparation until after the 8th December. My youngest son goes back to court then, so although every finger and toe is crossed for a good result, we both have to work with the worst case scenario, just in case.
So no tree until after that date, no fairy lights, or wreath on the door. Then whatever happens those things will occur, hopefully with us both doing the decorating together as we always do.The decorating is done accompanied by the CD from the boys childhoods of Christmas songs, and large glasses of Baileys on the rocks.
When it's all done the house lights are all turned off, and whomever is around sits in front of the real tree and admires it and talks for a while about hopes and fears. And even if I have to do this alone this year, I will do it, maybe I won't talk out loud though!
Cause even if youngest gets a custodial sentence the need for me to have Christmas will be overwhelming,at least in terms of having a tree to look at and to smell.
So now all the pair of us can do is be kind to each other as we both have our own ways of dealing with stress, YS gets increasingly angry, and I get increasingly scared and anxious, which in turn makes me stupid, and that gets him crosser as I become ever more inarticulate. But I have told him that this is going to happen to us, and that we need to be as careful as we can with each other, as our stress levels rise.
This then is the juxtaposition I'm living with for the next couple of weeks, the enjoyment of Christmas coming with all it's lovely preparations and the fear of what will transpire in court.
Hey yo, life is as ever difficult!
And in retrospect seems I started my New Year too early, when I started it in September! So I think I'll now revert to the same date as the rest of the world, and just hope that the last 18 months are it, as far as difficulty and horror are concerned for some time, and that the bad times can be put behind us.