Friday, 5 June 2009
A DAY ENDING IN A PUFF OF WIND
The day didn't start well. I woke up around 4am, which is fairly normal, and did go back to sleep, but the dreams were horrible. All about people not liking me, and failing at things, so when I woke up it took some time the shake off the feelings.
Whilst I was walking Trix, I got hooked into very negative and paranoid thinking,convinced that my dreams were omens about reality. So I ran, as did Trix, she thought it was great, across the playing field and back till I couldn't run anymore and the horrid thoughts had gone.
Getting back I had to get a move on to make my 9am appointment. I hadn't told anyone about the appointment. I got to the hospital, and saw the consultant and he examined me and told me he thought everything was fine. I had known it would be. I have faith in keeping well.
I got back in my car and I broke down. I was devastated, there was no-one to give me a hug. Actually there couldn't be. Cause if anyone had come with me, then I'd have hooked into the times they came with me before. When I was told I had cancer, when I had the three operations, all those bad times of three years ago. So was I so upset?
I suppose the answer lies in, never being free of having had cancer, never being totally to relax and think in that blindly ignorant way pre cancer that it would never happen to me.
So I text everyone I could text,even though a couple of people wondered about the randomness of the text, given that I hadn't informed anyone I was going for a check up in the first place, and it took them a moment or two to fathom out where I was coming from.
I went to a coffee shop and had a mocha with cream and absolute adored indulgence. People started texting me back and I spoke to my sister on the phone. Came home and told one friend by email. And had one friend who was due to pop in anyway, give me a big hug and had 20 minutes of listening to me.(I did listen to her as well!!)
So things should have been turning back to normal, except Trix has had a problem with one of her ears and I'd looked inside it to find it covered in blood. And my anxiety levels went through the roof again.
This meant she had to go to the vets, the other times she's gone I've done it with Alex, who is naturally stronger than me. But he's away I had to make the appt, and go on my own. All other visits Trix has been very difficult to handle. The vet is gentleness itself, but she has wanted to rip his arm off.
Not this time she sat on the floor and stayed still whilst he examined both her ears, and put drops in the poorly one, and even though I'd got hold of her choke chain in case she turned, she was calm. I think she knew that she had to be good for me, and that she realised that her ear was going to be helped.
And now we're back and she has crashed out on the sofa, and I'm huddled here in two sweaters, I think my anxiety levels have made me freezing. But I now feel really good. I'm okay, Trix will be okay, and I coped with the enormous fear of taking her to the vets by myself. .... Result I think
And all my lovely family and friends have contacted me, and what do you know they all love and like me, so my vile dreams that I started the day with we're all nonsense, as I knew they were. And I also knew that they were my mind preparing me for the morning I had ahead, but luckily my anxiety has disappeared (till next time!!!) like a puff of wind.