Friday, 5 June 2009


The day didn't start well. I woke up around 4am, which is fairly normal, and did go back to sleep, but the dreams were horrible. All about people not liking me, and failing at things, so when I woke up it took some time the shake off the feelings.

Whilst I was walking Trix, I got hooked into very negative and paranoid thinking,convinced that my dreams were omens about reality. So I ran, as did Trix, she thought it was great, across the playing field and back till I couldn't run anymore and the horrid thoughts had gone.

Getting back I had to get a move on to make my 9am appointment. I hadn't told anyone about the appointment. I got to the hospital, and saw the consultant and he examined me and told me he thought everything was fine. I had known it would be. I have faith in keeping well.

I got back in my car and I broke down. I was devastated, there was no-one to give me a hug. Actually there couldn't be. Cause if anyone had come with me, then I'd have hooked into the times they came with me before. When I was told I had cancer, when I had the three operations, all those bad times of three years ago. So was I so upset?

I suppose the answer lies in, never being free of having had cancer, never being totally to relax and think in that blindly ignorant way pre cancer that it would never happen to me.

So I text everyone I could text,even though a couple of people wondered about the randomness of the text, given that I hadn't informed anyone I was going for a check up in the first place, and it took them a moment or two to fathom out where I was coming from.

I went to a coffee shop and had a mocha with cream and absolute adored indulgence. People started texting me back and I spoke to my sister on the phone. Came home and told one friend by email. And had one friend who was due to pop in anyway, give me a big hug and had 20 minutes of listening to me.(I did listen to her as well!!)

So things should have been turning back to normal, except Trix has had a problem with one of her ears and I'd looked inside it to find it covered in blood. And my anxiety levels went through the roof again.

This meant she had to go to the vets, the other times she's gone I've done it with Alex, who is naturally stronger than me. But he's away I had to make the appt, and go on my own. All other visits Trix has been very difficult to handle. The vet is gentleness itself, but she has wanted to rip his arm off.

Not this time she sat on the floor and stayed still whilst he examined both her ears, and put drops in the poorly one, and even though I'd got hold of her choke chain in case she turned, she was calm. I think she knew that she had to be good for me, and that she realised that her ear was going to be helped.

And now we're back and she has crashed out on the sofa, and I'm huddled here in two sweaters, I think my anxiety levels have made me freezing. But I now feel really good. I'm okay, Trix will be okay, and I coped with the enormous fear of taking her to the vets by myself. .... Result I think

And all my lovely family and friends have contacted me, and what do you know they all love and like me, so my vile dreams that I started the day with we're all nonsense, as I knew they were. And I also knew that they were my mind preparing me for the morning I had ahead, but luckily my anxiety has disappeared (till next time!!!) like a puff of wind.


Paula said...

I know so well how dreams can affect an entire day. How hard it might be so shake it off. You have certainly had a "windy" day and look how well you came out. EVER SO GLAD FOR YOU THAT THIS CHECk UP WENT WELL. Big warm hug. xx

Helen said...

I want you to know how much I enjoyed reading this ... all of it! Hugs to you this morning.

trousers said...

Well thank goodness things worked out ok, and after those moments of feeling alone, that people were there for you.

Agreed with you and Paula about the effect of dreams on a whole day - thankfully this time it was easier to make sense of, whereas sometimes there seems no apparent reason.

Hugs x

lakeviewer said...

Glad to know that you ended up feeling better. Your dreams are reminding you of all the fears and issues you have had to control on your own. You are a Fire Byrd, after all, a strong spirit that lives through and through. Now, take care of yourself royally. You are worth it.

Lori ann said...

Hugs♥ hugs♥ hugs♥ hugs♥ and lots of love,
today is a new day?

Cait O'Connor said...

We all have dreams and days like that and I do know how stressful these check-ups can be but relax, tomorrow is another day and all is well.

Linda - Gold Coast said...

So relieved to hear you are both well (((hugs))). As you can see we have a beautiful German Shepherd and I completely understand about handling one on your own. Well done. Linda

Pam said...

Oh Byrd! You've been through a lot, and missing your Mum too! Biggest of hugs sweet Mandy, and how about dear Trix bless her, behaving so well for you. You can always e-mail me. I don't like to think of you hurting, and although you feel a lot better now, it gives a warm feeling to know we are all here for each other,family too.Fantastic news that your check up was fine.hug xxx hug.

Merry ME said...

Bravo Byrd,
You faced your fears and stared them down. What a powerful feeling that must be.

Glad you and Trix are better. Cyber hugs from this side of the ocean.

Be blessed. Know peace.

karen said...

Here's an African hug for you, and a pat for Trix too. So glad the checkup was fine, and that you had so many people there for you by text email, and now by blog!xx

Angela said...

As I said - Saturday?

Mel said...

*HUGE hugs*

Been there, done this--will be doing it again.....


It gets different.

Yaknow, after last evening's Relay for Life doings, I'm in a weird space. Sometimes that's all it takes, yaknow?

*HUGER hugs*
Blessings to you and yours....

nitebyrd said...

This is fabulous news! I'm so happy for you. I hope you hugged Trixie for being such a good girl!

Walker said...

The past is past.
Dreams are dreams
One is gone and the other doesn't exist but love you feel and there is plenty of it in your life.

I have died twice and every now and again i have to shake off the feeling and clear my head so I can see the real world not the past

CheekyDani said...

Not sure how to say this really, but in some ways it's better to have a little anxiety about cancer. My friend who died last year didn't and I guess neither did her doctor, which meant that a young woman with a nasty cancer wasn't tested regularly to ensure it had completely been eradicated, and it hadn't and it came back with a venegeance. So I'm sort of grateful for that little bit of anxiety in your case, as unpleasant as it is. x