It's a snow day!
And even Miss Trix on going for a walk at 7am, only did what she needed to do before turning tail and heading home!
I've used the only bit of power I relish and I have made the decision to close the school across the road from me. Not as far fetched as it sounds I am chair of the board of governors! Mind you the decision is not as exciting as it used to be when the boys where there and they would be asking me to close it so they could go sledging instead.
Right now youngest took one look at the weather, and rolled over in bed rather than battle the 10 miles to college.
And it is the boys where my grief has been focused recently. More initially related to my eldest. He is 23 he lives in London and now has a good job that is secure for the next three years as he's on a fast track management scheme.
Herein lies the problem, the realisation that he is a man, and no longer lives at home at all. From here on in, his visits will be flying ones when he sees a reason to come home. He no longer wants to talk to me in the way we used to. All of this is of course perfectly normal and as it should be. But emotionally for me it's been really hard. I have always talked to my eldest, probably more than I should have done.... but hey hindsight is a glorious gift eh? Hasn't helped over the years, that my family support network is no longer there in the way that most people I know have either a parent of partner loitering around somewhere!
And because of my current stresses I have felt very isolated, whilst at the same time trying to cope with the changing relationship with my eldest son.
This has meant that I have tried talking to my youngest, cause one of the two big stresses has, and is the dog. But he doesn't want to listen to me, he thinks I'm pathetic when I get upset. His best form of defence has always been anger, so he gets cross with me, when I have tried talking about my anxieties.
Don't get me wrong Trix in the house is the most loving, soft and gentle dog anyone could wish for. But outside is a different matter. Her socialisation skills are just not there. Now we knew this before we got her but the effort of dealing with her is tough.
Particularly since we had the dog for Alex, and he assured me pre her that he would be pulling his weight. Of course I knew he wouldn't, why on earth would he get up at 7am to walk her???? Don't get me wrong I actually like doing that as there is no-one else about, so walking her is more relaxing then.
But I needed to be heard and the more I tried to get heard the more upset we both got and reverted to our ways of dealing with high emotion. Me crying, Al shouting.
I actually do know that he does hear me, as always after a time like this he is gentler and more considerate of me and now is no exception.
I continue to worry and he continues not, I continue to be the main carer and him not. But at least I feel I've had my say and that has helped me to feel better.
Added to that he has said he doesn't want me to go to Devon yet, and would prefer if I was around for another year. That has not caused me the problems I thought it would. As the waiting was always about him getting to be 18, which happens next month. So that the time line can now be more fluid inside me as I have reached the point where there is nothing other than my own choice that stops me going. Which feels fine I'm no longer trapped by waiting. So I do feel ok about staying around for a while longer.
Anyway up here the chances of selling are pretty remote anyway!!
And my other big stress has been about one of my new jobs. The upline managers have all been very supportive and so that stress has lifted from my shoulders as they are happy that I do the job my way and don't feel forced into buying into the pressure that I felt I was under before.
And because I did find the wherewithal to talk to my friends I now know that is is with them that my future confidences lie, not my sons. They are there own people with their own lives and my time as being part of our little triad is over almost. And will become increasingly so as Al needs me less and less this year.
I don't for one minute think they will ever stop loving me, just they unless the shit hits the fan for them won't need me. As it should be.
It's just been another steep learning curve! Possibly more than for some others as single parents don't have anyone else to bounce off. Not that mums all over the world won't be having empty nest syndrome happening right now. I suppose I've just been dealing with the very final part of my eldest growing up. And like all learning related to children it happens to them first and takes the parent a little while longer to understand the new development!