NEW YORK, NEW YORK IT'S A WONDERFUL TOWN

A very quick post as I've got to clean the house, pack my bag, cook Sunday lunch, have a beauty bath, pay my bills, do my nails, water my houseplants and any other tasks I remember to do before.....

Before I go to work tomorrow!!!!

And then ....

Come home, have a meal......

Followed by a trip to my friend's house, where I'm going to sleep....

She is getting up to take me to the airport.... What a friend......

Then and only then, at 4am do I go to the airport to fly to Amsterdam!

Two hours after that I get on another plane and go across the Atlantic....

TO NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to stay there a week with an old friend whose having a four month sabbatical, and I was invited to help pass the time over there.

We're going to MOMA,the Guggenheim,cocktail/jazz bars, the theatre, on a boat trip across from Queens to Manhattan. I've already done the other side of the water in that I've been to the statue of Liberty. We're going to walk our socks off, just as well I've got some new flat boots to cope! We are going to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I get to see my friend from Philly who's coming up to spend a day with me.

Basically I'm cramming in as much as possible in this my third trip to NY, to do all the grown up things I never got to do in any of the other trips.

So let me wish all of my friends in America a Happy Thanksgiving and a new hope for the future. And all my mates elsewhere in the world try not to miss me too much!! And remember we've got the 6th to look forward to!

Got no pics of NY (yet!) so please forgive the pic of the Ben Franklin Bridge across the Delaware in Philly instead.

See ya soon
hugs and kisses to all
xx

PS- 3.20pm I've just sat at the table after Sunday lunch and realised the immense thing I'm about to do....I'M GOING TO NEW YORK FOR A GROWN UP WEEK..... me.... FUCK!! me who was the person who wouldn't never amount to anything when I was younger. Me who has struggled for so bloody long to be ok being alone. Me just bloody me. ME who knows someone who thinks that I'm the person they'd like to share the New York experience with..... OH MY GOD..... AWESOME, ABSOLUTELY AWESOME...... Now I'm excited, really excited, can I sleep till 3.30 Tuesday morning? Gawd help my clients tomorrow they've no chance of getting anything sensible out of me at all!

FUCKING AMAZING, UTTERLY FUCKING AMAZING

TAGGED - THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR

The lovely Lori-ann has tagged me, and she's changed the rules.... Yeh for her!
instead of writing 7 odd things she suggests I write 7 things I'm thankful for.
Which seems a much better idea than the former.

So without further ado;

The first thing to be thankful for is my family. It's very small, there is only my sister and me. And we have always been there for each other and always will be. Added to that are my beautiful niece 24 and my nephew 21 who are just the best. But most of all I'm thankful for my sons, 23 and 17, I've been a single mum since they were 9 and 4 and I'm grateful that I've been given the chance to be their mum, cause they are just wonderful young men.

Second is almost as important as the first, and sometimes more, and that is my friends. I am blessed that I have a lot of friends and at least 7 of them would say I was their best friend, which is an utter privilege.

Third I am thankful bizarrely for having had breast cancer. It has made me a better person and has allowed me to see what is really important in life. And to value what is around me, the places I walk, the things I photograph, the simple pleasures of life.

Fourth is my abilities as a therapist.To say it is a gift is perhaps immodest, but I have known all my life since I was 17 that I have the ability to help people heal emotionally. Which means that I have the perfect job doing what I love most and am best at.

Fifth is my intelligence, up until I was 44 years old I thought I was stupid, it took doing my psychotherapy training to realise I wasn't and the last ten years have been a journey of self discovery and intellectual discovery. Which has allowed me to know in the last year that I can write.

Sixth, although I had very difficult times with my parents, they both had alcohol problems late in their lives I am truly grateful for the qualities I have inherited from them. I won't list them I already feel immodest enough in writing the fourth, suffice to say that I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Seventh is an amalgamation of them all in one word.... Love. I am thankful that I can give it, and receive it. I can give it to others and to myself. That everything I do is motivated by it and is the most precious of all.

Now of course I'm supposed to tag others, but I won't, but if you want to do it feel free. It's actually a good exercise to do in focusing on what's really important, but who am I to tell you should do it!!!

DREAMS..... OR WISPS OF CLOUDS

Dreams, start like wisps of cloud scudding across the sky.
They come into your mind unasked and take shape.
They flit and flame through our hearts and souls
Taking no account of the minds they disturb

The fluffy optimistic ones
The dreams that set your mind on fire
Aspirations, hope and joy that light your day aglow with love
That fill every waking moment

The rain filled clouds gathering in the sky
The dreams that seem so out of reach
The stretching for the stars, unable to grasp the light hidden from view
The drive to make them tenable and part of our future

The clouds that make a winters day grey from dawn till dusk
The ones you dread happening, that feel more like nightmares than dreams.
Scared and lonely alone to deal with pain and anguish.
The ones we know we must face, but would do anything than that.

All dreams and dreads that make ours days
The impossible happiness of love
Ambition driving us forward to achieve
The life we lead and want to escape

The need for balance then, to take a breathe
To get perspective
To be as we can be when our dreams become us.
That is what I want today

COME FOR ANOTHER WALK WITH ME

Thought I'd show you some of my favourite local places that I have walked in the last year. All within a 15 mile radius of where I live


Manifold Valley, Derbyshire,last week


Goyt Bridge in Derbyshire, walked this October with Trousers, 10 miles in the rain.


Tittesworth Reservoir, Staffordshire, walked in September with my two Wednesday mates


The top of the Roaches, Staffordshire, walked in the spring with Trousers


Dovedale, Derbyshire, walked with Monday evening mate.


Local canal, Staffordshire walked with Kit in the spring


Meerbrook Churchyard, overlooked by the Roaches, Staffordshire. I lived for 10 years half way up this hill.


Knyrpersly Pool, Staffordshire walked in late summer last year


Lud's Church, Staffordshire, walked so many times with anyone who'll walk with me as it is just astonishing!!

SAD OR MANIC.... THAT'S THE CHOICE

It strikes me how Christmas is such a sad time for people.
I think it is really sad for me, but I hide it behind a childlike enjoyment. But it is hard work to stay in that place.
I have many routines to make the sad thoughts stay away, like being the best present wrapper in the world! The presents may not be that great but the silver paper and beautifully tied ribbon is to die for!
We have things that we do, that now the boys are too old or gone, I know I'll have to do on my own to hit the magic.
Decorating the tree, which is always real, has always been done by the three of us and when we had a dog, with her help.
She had to have a piece of tinsel wrapped round her neck, which she was then happy to wear throughout Christmas,if only that people would take even more notice of her when she was out on her walks, looking very glam with her sparkly collar.
The evening we did the tree Christmas songs would be played and Baileys on the rocks enjoyed by all.
This year I'll do it by myself.

Today has been so hard at work, I'm working with a young woman who despite having had psychiatric help in the past has never done the work she needs to, the work that will allow her to live a normal life. Coming to see me is torture, to have to tell someone her secrets, to face her feelings about being abused and her hate of the people who should have supported her is just fucking painful for her and tough for me to listen to.

Plus there seems to be a surfeit of sad people in blog world who have more than enough on their plates, whether related to their health, emotional and physical, of their environments. I've never before blogging really appreciated that when people wanted water how much they actually wanted it.

And today's post like so many days contains pleas for help from the world. It makes me feel so bad that I can do so little in such a time of want, and throw these pleas in the recycle bag.

The world is a tough place, and most days I can take what it dishes out on the chin, but today and probably because of my work load, I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Would of course help if I got more sleep than I ever get! This weekend was particularly bad, so I feel exhausted today.

Never mind tomorrows another day,and as long as I've had a sleep should be fun as going to Chester with my precious sister to just have a pre Christmas mooch.

This means that Christmas starts then tomorrow, as my life is becoming a mad social whirl all the way to Christmas. Queen Vixen for a night out Wednesday in Ashbourne. Wake Up in Liverpool for lunch on Friday. Blog party on the 6th. To name just a few of the things I've got lined up

I know I should be more mindful of my carbon footprint, but hey if I don't go see people I'd go truly mad. This is my excuse for going to New York for a week next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So in the way of these things, I'm sad but manic with no middle ground, which is about normal for this time of year.

IT'S ON IT'S WAY..... 6 WEEKS TO GO

I adore Christmas. I love all the preparation, the excitement of getting presents. The stores full of Christmas stuff, and today was no exception. I've had my very old friends from Abingdon staying with me, as in I've known them a long time, not that they are just old!!

We have been to Chatsworth House in Derbyshire. It's the place that Mr Darcy lived in the latest Pride and Prejudice film starring Keira Knightly. It is a glorious place about an hour from where I live.

It is the place where Debo Mitford married the Duke of Devonshire and became a Duchess. Her son is now the Duke of Devonshire and she lives in the Dower House.
So not only has it history that is immortalised in film from hundreds of years ago it also encapsulates modern day history with the scandalous Mitford sisters.

I digress, today I went there with Wendy and Mike. I first met Wendy 24 years ago when I'd been to a jewellery party at her house and she came round to mine on the 22nd of December to deliver the jewellery I'd brought.

It was a red letter day. In that earlier that evening I'd had a phone call from my then husband to say he'd be home on leave before Christmas. Then Father Christmas had come down the road where I lived on the back of a truck, with carols playing, collecting money for charity. Then Wendy had turned up.

We sat in my living room with me being so excited, firstly cause I'd seen Father Christmas, second Howard was coming home and third I was making a new friend.

Now 24 years later I still have Wendy, she is someone I love to bits and because of our busy lives we don't see each other as much as we used to. But that doesn't matter cause we know we are there for each other through thick and thin. And over the last 24 years there has been lots of both of those for both of us. I really don't think I would have survived this long if it wasn't for her. Even though at times we haven't been so close. I know without a doubt that if I was in need that she would drop everything to help me, as I hope she knows I would do the same for her.

Back to today! We were at Chatsworth mooching around the Christmas store in the garden centre. It was just lovely, loads of shiny decorations; baubles, tinsel, stars, fairy lights, everything that anyone needed to make Christmas sparkly.I was in heaven, I just love the whole decoration thing. So I brought myself an Advent Calender.

Now I have brought the boys one of those their entire lives up until last year. And the ones I have got have never had chocolate behind the date as I think that is sacrilege. Advent calenders have little pictures behind them. And the one I have got today, which is for me is just wonderfully old fashioned in it's picture of Father Christmas riding across the sky with his reindeer and it's covered in glitter just like the ones I had as a child.

For me Christmas is about two things nostalgia and family and I work at getting both those things to happen. As in this year I will be cooking Christmas lunch for my boys and my sister, her husband and my utterly gorgeous niece and nephew.

This is possibly the last Christmas I will have like this, cause it is my intention when I move to give my time at Christmas to those that don't have the support network I have at Christmas, it will be time to give something back big time.

In the meantime I'll just continue to be as daft as a brush over Christmas, and hide my head in a bucket when it's New Year to get it over with as soon as possible. Which means there will be lots more coming about Christmas as I get more and more excited..... Not surprising I was once known as the Christmas Pixie, the way I carry on!!!!

FOR SORROW WITH LOVE

The water ripples
The oar makes no more than a gentle swoosh
The evening sun, sinks below the tree line.
The friends travel together
Their minds and oars in harmony
No need for words,they've been said
A connection of souls and hearts

The heron swoops low in the sky
He settles to watch in a nearby tree
The deer, peep from behind the bushes
to get their evening drink
The beaver travels across their path
in his determined journey home for the night.

The wind rustles in the trees
The sky darkens with rain
The first drops fall
on their upturned faces
Catching the precious drops in their mouths
The laughter ringing out across the water.

The thunder rumbles in the distance
they need to get back home.
To sit on the porch and let the storm rage.
And all of this is done to entertain,
the guest from the other side of the world.

A visit unknown by both
A connection made that will not be broken
As their lives entwine in the words they use.
An invisible thread across the sea,
That binds one to the other



Sorrow (Walking the labyrinth)is organising a circle of care this Christmas with her children.
She is without doubt one of the most generous people I have ever had the privilege to meet. So I wanted to give something to her. And in putting it up everyone can celebrate what a fantastic person she is, cause if I just sent this to her, she'd come over all modest!!!

A WALK FROM MY HOUSE AND BACK

So as Absolute Vanilla and Lori have taken you on a tour of where they live, and Angela has baked us a chocolate cake to eat whilst we journey round I thought we'd better go on a walk to get rid of the excess calories of lots of cake. My walk will take in all seasons and times of day as these are the pics I have!


So going out into my front garden, we go to the end of the drive

Here is the damson tree that marks the driveway into the school opposite

We'll walk down the drive, the school is an old Victorian House set in 20 acres of land. It's where I'm chair of governors

Recently the Victorian fountain has been restored in the sunken garden

The trees in the grounds are just wonderful and I love seeing them as the seasons change.

Coming out of the school grounds we go down a hill to the old railway track, which is now a favourite dog walking trail.

It takes us to Rudyard lake, after which Rudyard Kipling was named, his parents honeymooned here!

We are going to walk all round, it is a very special place to me and one I come to a lot.

We come full circle round the lake to where we started, and we will return back along the track, up the horribly steep hill, which was never this steep on the way down!!

So you have now walked 7 miles I hope you are feeling good at having walked off the chocolate cake!
So now come into my house before you go and I'll stick the kettle on and maybe cause we've used so much energy up we could have another piece of cake, cause I think we deserve it.

LEST WE FORGET.

Ninety years ago today at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month the guns were silenced after four cruel years.
Today at the Cenotaph in London, three old men in wheel chairs sat and watched the tribute to the fallen of all wars since 1918.
They were three of the four remaining survivors from the Great War, the war to end all wars.
The eldest Henry Allingham is 112 years old and he tried to stand to salute his fallen comrades. He was one of the first men in the RAF. The other two gentleman there, youngest being 108 years old, and I'm ashamed to say I don't know their names represented the Royal Navy, in that the one gentleman had fought in both wars in the navy. And the final member of this trio is the only man alive left who fought in trench warfare in Northern France. All of them were wearing their medals. And each of them had a representative of the forces who had returned from Iraq or Afghanistan to represent them to place their wreaths.
So it goes on, will those three serving personnel be at the Cenotaph in 90 years remembering their lost comrades from today's wars?
Just outside Ypres, is Tyne Cot, the biggest Commonwealth Cemetery in the world. In the memorial building there is a continuous loop of film that shows a picture with his name and age being said of every single man that fell in the conflicts that took place over the four years around Ypres.
Today on Lost Here and Beyond, Walker's site he has put up such a list of the Canadian fallen, it is a shocking testament of the futility of war that is happening right now in our world.
When will we realise we only have one world and that all the dead our someone's son, brother, husband, uncle and that it is a waste, whatever nationality or creed they are.

MY SON, ME AND TRAFALAGER SQUARE

I'm back and have I had a wonderful time!

Got to west London, where Kit lives mid afternoon, a few cups of tea and lots of chat ensued. Followed by my doing three haircuts, as in son and his house mates before we two set off for dinner. Fantastic Sri Lankian restaurant within walking distance. The food was wonderful and the restaurant got jam packed withing 30 minutes of us getting there. Don't think it was that word went round that we were there though, more the quality of the food!!

Next stop was the pub, with the house mates and one girlfriend of a housemate. Sort of pub that has board games lying around, so there was no choice but to get the Scrabble out. Now I'm no slouch at Scrabble, but playing it with four Cambridge graduates, well lets say I held my own but only just.

Saturday Kit went to the local bakery for fresh croissants. My perfect breakfast coffee and warm croissants, my idea of heaven.

Exit housemates, and then we set off to Leicester Square tube, to go to the National Portrait Gallery to see the Annie Leibovitz exhibition.

An amazing exhibition, the juxtaposition of her astonishing professional work with small snaps of her family, and some of her best friend Susan Sontag's struggle with breast cancer and eventual death.

There were many breath taking photos, but the ones that particularly touched me, were two small snaps of Susan lying in the bath. She has had a mastectomy and has her hand over her scar, so that you see her the rest of her naked in the bath, as you would expect. For me it echoed the photograph that I have put up on my blog of my showing my scar as a badge of acceptability and my hand over my breast as I didn't ever want the picture to be seen as a sexual come on.

The power of photographs really resonates with me. Not that I would in anyway compare myself to someone of Leibovitz's skill and wonderful talent. It was just the irony of our perceptions. Both very valid and pertinent and saying something about the people involved.

From there it was round the corner to the National, the rain had stopped and we stood on the steps admiring Trafalgar square with the view down to Big Ben and the Palace of Westminster. So photos had to be taken!

In the National Gallery, Kit and I are of the same mind, and go straight, and only to the Impressionists. And then we narrow that down to Monet, who we both adore. They have some very fine paintings of his there.

After some lunch we go to Foyles bookshop, made famous by the film Charing Cross Road. About the woman who started the shop, Christina Foyle and her correspondence with an American for many years. I bought books and went for coffee to start reading one of them, whilst Kit continued his perusal of all things literary.

Charing Cross Rd is one side of Soho, so we went further down into Soho and on to Covent Garden and watched the street entertainment there. A guy in a kilt, juggling three massive knives, whilst balanced on the top of a ladder that he maneuvered around to stay upright, after first, or course making music by blowing through one of the holes on the side of the ladder!!

Then to the days final activity, Leicester Square Odeon for James Bond. This cinema is the most famous in England, and is where, if they have film premieres they will happen there. So the seats are leopard skin print.....

James Bond, was good enough, but that's all. Kit was disappointed with it. We both agreed that the story line was weak, in that it's about getting revenge for the death of Vespa in Casino Royale. Daniel Craig was needless to say gorgeous and Judy Dench was very good. It seemed to have messy fight scenes. Don't get me wrong I was entertained by it, but it wasn't the nearly as good as Casino Royale.

Then tube home to sit around with milk and biscuits.... me, and wine and garlic bread.... Kit. I know that's sad, but I had drunk enough the night before and I was too knackered to be able to enjoy drinking.

Today I took Kit to Richmond Park to see if we could spot any deers, which we did. And in the way of these things I said 'Hello Deers' to them and they of course replied, 'Hello Sweethart' to me. Think about it!!

I've been invited to go back soon, not only by Kit, but also his housemates, which I think is really lovely. And so we have planned to go to the Bodyworks exhibition next, followed by Kew Botanical Garden when the weather warms up.

How lucky am I???

Now I've just got to hang around for a couple of weeks before I go to New York for Thanksgiving, to stay with an English friend who's having a sabbatical over there for 4 months.

It's a tough life......

ANOTHER RANT I NEED TO HAVE

This is the point I apologise before I start, as I'm feeling bloody minded and still needing to rant. Although until I get going won't know what the rant is about!!

First off though, is adult dribbling! Even my description makes me shiver. What is is with young men of around 18 and who are dressed as chavs usually, that neccesiates this constant spitting saliva on the ground. They don't have hacking coughs, they just dribble moisture out of their mouths. Aren't their mouths like everyone elses, in that I feel absolutely no need to spit on the street, ever. Do they have excess saliva that comes the minute they don the chav wardrobe? I don't know, but it really annoys me.

What is it people when asked about Bareck Obama suggest that just because his middle name is Hussein that it somehow makes him a member of some terrorist gang. Get an education, is what I want to scream at the TV when such people have been paraded out in front of the cameras.

Why do I get at least 3 million letters every week asking if I want a credit card from such and such. Do I want any more debt... I don't think so. But I at least have the sense not to think ooh yes, another card I can have. In these times of economic stress what the hell is going on that it's still acceptable to offer me endless credit. I don't want it. I don't want my kids to have it. No one needs any more sodding debt.

How come that yesterday Lloyds bank and Northern Rock stopped tracker mortgages... and today the interest rate is slashed to 3% which is no bloody help to anyone unless the banks follow suit. But guess what, the banks will be alright jack. Christmas bonus anyone?


Why is there such discrepancy in pay? I have worked for more years than I care to mention in the NHS, and admittedly I am now reasonably paid by NHS standards, but today where I work the receptionists, who earn £6.00 an hour, have been bollocked cause one of the GPs was ten minutes late and he's now expecting them to phone him up at 7am to get to work on time...... conceited prick! He earns £100,000 surely he could afford a damned alarm clock.

They the poor lambs are feeling stressed cause they now have to offer surgeries from 8am up until 6.30pm so that those inconsiderate people who work for a living can get to see a doctor and not loss a days pay.... what is the world coming to when we make GPs earn their living instead of just pouring money down their throats. Find me a GP who hasn't got their little darlings into a private school, cause I'd be bloody amazed.

And why oh why did we have to start seeing Christmas chocolates in Morrisons supermarket in September? Do they think we don't know when Christmas is? As in beating the Christmas rush.... In September, come on give us a break.

Anyone seen a cream egg yet???

That's cleared out the ranting for a bit,normal service will be resumed as soon as I start feeling a bit less bolshy.

Off to London for the weekend to stay with my big son. Don't all breathe a sigh of relief like that!!!

Back after we have been to see the Annie Lebovitz exhibition and James Bond in Leicester Square (in the cinema ....)

CONGRATULATIONS OBAMA

I woke up at 3.50am turned on the radio realised what was being said and had to come and turn on the TV,and burst into tears of joy

It is just unbelievable that a 39 black man has done it. Has become the 44th President of the United States of America. 306 electoral votes versus 145, with more to follow

Congratulations Bareck Obama

God Bless America, God Bless the world

A RANT I NEEDED TO HAVE!

All my life I have adored fashion. When I was a little girl it was always important to look smart.
Then as I go older the smartness didn't so much matter, just as long as the skirt was short enough.
To keep up with this fashion need I have read fashion magazines from the clothes pages in Jackie, through to Petticoat and Honey, all the way up to the three glossy mags I read every month now.
I'm so sad that if anyone didn't have a life I could tell you the order that I graduated from magazine to magazine!
I had the first three years of Cosmo in my wardrobe for years.
I sold my edition of the first Next catalogue book to an antique dealer after keeping it for 20 years.

My clothes sense has never been cutting edge, but it works and I know what suits me. Whether it's battered levis and a black polo neck, which has to be one of my all time favourites,especially with my biker jacket. Or designer clothes with a primark piece to add balance. I love wearing my Armani jacket with black trousers when I need to have a confidence fix, cause I'm bullet proof in that jacket, and no-one can mess with me wearing it! I can't wait to show off my new party dress, black lace deep V back, slash neck and half way up my thighs, so with black opaque tights and some high heels watch me go.

Underwear was always something that I adored and back in the day pre mastectomy I wouldn't be seen out without matching bra and nix. And they were never grey! That has had to change, not the grey bit! just the matching stuff. Mastectomy bras are not hugely sexy, and there is no reason why they shouldn't be. As some of us can wear under wires still, we do want lace and sexy fabrics. We don't all need big white bras that my granny wouldn't have been seen in. That's not say that the companies making specialist underwear aren't getting better. But for some reason they are far more expensive than buying something pretty in M&S. And I begrudge paying that money for something that is alright but not spectacular.

What amazes me is that the number of companies that raise money for breast cancer, I think that's great,well I would wouldn't I? But why do they lingerie companies not put their money where their mouths are and make some attractive sexy frothy stuff for us. Triumph is a company in point, they had a big breast awareness thing going on earlier this year and special undies you could buy to support breast cancer awareness. But did they as one of the countries biggest bra manufactures make anything that wasn't gross for women who'd had mastectomies ...... Did they fuck. The pretty stuff was for the girls with tits not us women who might have actually liked a company to help us out.

Now I'm on a rant I'll go on about something else that annoys me.
The glossy mags,they spend a huge amount of effort supporting breast cancer.... thank you. But when they do there annual breast cancer issue why don't they show clothes that we can wear on the fashion pages.

We can wear anything except really low necks and most clothes shown seem to be like that. Surely in the special BC month they could get some gorgeous woman who has had BC and make her over from the undies out, just to show how we can be part of the same society as the other glamorous women in their low cut tops at the party.

I'm lucky I have good legs, so I can make the most of them. I've gotta good arse, for those who can remember the pic I put up, so I do make myself feel sexy by being proud of those bits and showing them off. I don't have any problems with people noticing I don't have one breast in the clothes I wear if I bend forward and they see what passes for my cleavage. But I don't deliberately wear low tops anymore there are limits to my confidence levels.

There is nothing wrong with people who are different from average, but sometimes we don't have get to feel as if we are!

Vanity has now meant that my hair is back to being dyed again!

As ever this hasn't turned out how I expected it to, I was going to talk about male fashion but I'll leave that for another day.

NEXT CHAPTER

Just a note I've written another chapter.... making 9 Whee!
This one is about anger and the part it plays both good and bad in our lives.
I also need some advice. I realised that I probably need to copyright my work.
Anyone know how I do that?