Sunday, 31 August 2008


My first memory is pre verbal. And it is a sensation, sound and sight. I am in my pram, I can see the hood up around me. I can see the leaves on the Ash tree that my pram is underneath. I can hear the rain pattering down on the hood of the pram.

For this memory to exist I have to be under 2 years old, as my sister turned up then and I was turfed out of the pram!

What it has left me with is a life long love of being under trees in the rain. I feel safe there. I feel hugely at peace. I can hook into the feeling other places, like my car in the rain, but then it has a canvas roof.

This summer, or what passes for it over here, I've been growing a Russian Vine in the wooden structure in my garden. Heaven knows what this is called, could be a gazebo, could be a pagoda, could just a few pieces of wood nailed together to grow plants through it. Ah yes, the last one will do.

Anyway,the vine and me have been working hard at making it grow across the top of said wooden thing. It grows. And I've been standing on chairs wrapping the vine round the timbers in the way I want them.

So this morning, just before the rain started for today's downpour, I managed to sit outside underneath this marvellous plant and eat my breakfast.

It was magical, the day was dull and cloudy with the promise of rain. Which meant the sky was the colour of my childhood memories. The green canopy over my head was, not sure if I can describe adequately how it felt. A sense of peace, and tranquility I guess sum up the experience best.

So I've put some pics I took of my garden before the rain.

It is, as to be expected daily in England now, raining, and although this means I'm now stuck back inside my sense of equilibrium has stayed with me.

And it has to be said, once an hour I get a such a kick out of my clock. It makes me so happy to catch the bird of the hour. And in fact if i miss it when I'm around in the house I do feel bereft at my lack of mindfulness.

It is good when pleasure can be got from simple things. And it is so hard when our minds are in difficult places, to hold on to the knowledge that this terrible feeling will pass eventually.

Cause as in all things no one feeling will stay, whether it's amazing happiness, desperate grief, fury,or being scared. Even depression eventually goes. It may take a bloody long time but it will go.

And if anyone is depressed it's worth really looking at whether or not that depression is 24 hour constant. Cause usually it's not, there are moments of light relief when depressed, and it's these moments that someone with depression needs to expand on.

The thinking, increasingly about depression, is that activity of any description is what will shift it quicker than anything else. I'm not talking about profound depression here, which will need, for optimum help anti depressants and therapy. I'm talking about the depression where someone can get out of bed and can function after a fashion.

Activity as simple as walking. Obviously if depression is around walking, initially is an absolute chore, but if persevered with then the pleasures of,oh, I don't know birdsong, or seeing the plants develop through the seasons,can eventually start to infiltrate the depression and a small pleasure is gained.

As these small gains become more frequent then the grip of the depression becomes less. But as with all things it needs more active work than just walking.

Depression comes about cause someone is not dealing with a pain or anguish inside them, and rather than do it, they have unconsciously hooked into depression as a way to cope. There are lots of other ways people use to cope, panic attacks, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse for example. And the problem with all of these things, is that they become a problem in their own right and the person may loose sight of why they needed this defence in the first place.

I am mindful in writing this, that there is so much i want to say, about how we can be in control of our own lives. Which is why I'm, or was, writing the book I guess. And what this is telling me is I should go back to it, rather than inflict my entire theory of what makes people tick here.

The alternative would be to start another blog, where if anyone was interested I could put up what I've written so far, and what I'll write in the future.The book, I've done 7 chapters of so far, is a self help book. One in which at the moment is a stream of my knowledge about everything I know. It is not a theory book at all. I do not want it to appeal to another therapist, I want to be read by the people who come and see me for help. Normal people, who for whatever reason are going through hell in their lives at that moment.

I do have this huge need to get through to people about how they can turn their lives round, if they are unhappy in them at any moment in time. But this is not the blog to do it in, no one has the time to read the thoughts of 'chairmen byrd' unless they want that information, say, as in how to deal with a panic attack, for example.

So if anyone has any thoughts on this idea then let me know. Cause I'm not precious about my knowledge, boring possibly, but not precious!!

And if I can help anyone sort out the bad place they've got themselves then my life is worth something.

I have opened a new blog where all my book will be found,if you want to see it go to


BenefitScroungingScum said...

One of my earliest memories is pre 20 months old-funnily enough reaching up for a piece of chocolate.
As I was so rarely allowed anything sweet I reckon this is where the chocolate obsession started!
As for your book, only you can decide, but if it's information you want in the public domain I think having a separate blog is a great idea!
BG x

Wild Cat said...

I think the alternate blog is a great idea - I for one would definately have a read :o)


Lady in red said...

my earliest recollection was with my younger brother being taken into our parents bedroom to meet the new baby. (He was born at home and I think I realised from then on that our peaceful world would never again be peaceful).

Yes you should continue your book, writting it was good for you as well as getting your knowledge onto a page.

I do agree that a seperate blog would be a good idea, somewhere that we could dip into as and when we need to.

Fire Byrd said...

Seems from this very small poll to be a good idea then!!

BG, that's as good excuse then for choclate eating then as any!

catz, ok I'll get onto it.

LiR I will be carrying on with the book anyway, just whether or not I put it out in it's first draft form as now.


Sorrow said...

Can i throw in my pence?
I think you have a tremendous amount of insight, and so much to offer, and you write in a way that doesn't come across as "know it all". That a lot of people can and would relate to!
Go for it!
It can only be wonderful!

Queen Vixen said...

Trees and rain! Wonderful. Eating breakfast under your vine - ahhh, that sounds bliss. Being in the moment at these moments is true happiness. I will check out your book blog - you helped me. You gave me the tools to turn my life around. You really should publish!

I must come see the clock!

Fire Byrd said...

Sorrow, when you've nothing else to do there's 14,000 words or therabouts written now out there!

QV, long time ago that eh hon? Now we do it for each other.
Publishing can only happen when I finish writing LOL!

Casdok said...

It is good when pleasure can be got from simple things. And eating your breakfast outside in the rain sounds wonderful.

Cait O'Connor said...

Under trees in rain that is something my M loves also. I love rain full stop but even I have had too much this summer.
Enough of rain.
Your book blog sounds a wonderful idea and I shall certainly be reading it.

Tim said...

Lovely post - and fascinating thoughts about depression, too (with which, as a former sufferer and writer-about-it I agree). Incidentally, have you come across Chipmunka publishing?

Pondside said...

There's lots of good stuff in this post - I'll have to take a look at your other site.
I too love to sit outside, under shelter, in the gentle summer rain. We get a lot of rain on the island, but not normally as much in the summer as we've had this year. My favorite spot is under the wisteria.

Unknown said...

I love the rain too - most people seem to think I'm mad though!

I have recently forced myself to admit that I've not dealt with any of the pain in my life properly, and though I'm settled now, think I may be suffering from a form of depression so will definitley be reading your book blog.

Trixie said...

*Waves madly*


I'm back from Spain and madly trying to get through the 400 posts on my bloglines. Just to let you know I'm back and will catch up properly soon.

(Plus thanks for the birthday wishes!)

Anonymous said...

Giggle is a tart over at my place!
Ya might wanna bring a bucket because you'll probably puke!!!

Mel said...


<--now wants rain so she can sit under trees for a feel.....

Fire Byrd said...

casdok, it depends on how much rain there is for optimum pleasure... the delugewe've just had for example would have been unpleasant!!

cait, I'm just pleased I got my 5 mile walk in 10 minutes before todays rain started.

the dotterel, you need an easier name to be referred to here! Haven't heard of that publisher, but i feel i'm light years away from that anyway.

pondside, I'm very envious that you have a wisteria to sit under I love them, they are so delicately beautiful.

funkymunky, welcome, I'd better get round to actually writing the chapter on depression then... LOL

trix, welcome back hope you had great hols.

ratgirl... you are just bad, but so clever with it.

mel, we have more rain than we need here this year, i'll gladly send some your way... LOL

Walker said...

The farthest back i could go is to an episode when I was about 2.
It was the middle of the night and the house was on fire. Sirens and people screaming everywhere.
I remember my mother jholding me outside crying while my father ran in and out trying to save what little things we had back then.

Starting a second blog for something that is more specific than you would like to post on a daily blog is a good idea.
I use one to get some of the junk out of my head.
Writing things down helps you more than anyone I think.
It's about the only way to talk to yourself without getting commited to an institution

Fire Byrd said...

Ah so that's why I'm doing it Walker..... I knew there had to be a reason, so's not to get commited!! Makes perfect sense. LOL

Tim said...

Just call me dot. Chipmunka specialise in mental health related topics; take a look at their website:

Fire Byrd said...

thanks for that dot, on both answers.

nitebyrd said...

My earliest memories are always chaotic. I'll be checking out your new blog because you always make sense to me.