Thursday, 24 November 2011

21st ,22nd & 24th November are just rocks to climb.

It is such a sad time for me this week. Every year I have three foul anniversaries all falling in the same week. But this time for the first time they all fell on the day that they first occured.

Added to that I've got a whole lot of jobs that need doing, that if there was a bloke around would get fixed, like the thermostat in the shower, the outside security light. Nothing that can't be fixed, just needs me to throw money at them.

Work is very demanding, but nothing new there, and trying so hard to get this new work off the ground is very slow. It feels like crawling backwards up a hill.

So all in all I'm pretty fed up. To begin with though at the start of the week I hadn't connected all the dots up and hadn't figured out why I was just so sad and overwhelmed.

It was a client on Monday who inadvertently sparked me off. For various reasons pertaining to her I shared that I had been a single parent for a long time. 

This got me thinking that I've come a long way with many bumps along the way.

So Monday was the 6th anniversary of my having my first of three operations for breast cancer. Can't remember the dates of the other ones, all I know now is that in the next eight weeks I would have had three ops and a mastectomy. I vividly recall that first  morning of going into hospital accompanied by my little sister. I can see the scenes played out in my head, but no longer want to write them down. It is enough to know they are there.

On Tuesday I celebrated (!!!!) 17 years since my husband walked out on me. Suffice to say it wasn't ever something I'd expected or wanted. I got no notice that there was anything wrong with my marriage. My husband was in the Merchant Navy and had been away for 6 months on a course to become a Mississippi River boat pilot. He had met someone over in Georgia who made him feel special. So coming back to me and the boys on leave that should have been for three months and was actually one day, before he ran back to the US was just a bit of a shock to our lives to say the least! My wonderful sons were 9 and 3.5 and I have looked after them alone ever since.

My ex husband divorced me in a very acrimonious way making me suffer as much as possible. And since that one day home has seen his sons ONCE  for 4 hours in 17 years. He has never sent them a Birthday or Christmas card or kept in touch with them . He owes me $100,000 in unpaid child support. I did take him to court in Georgia but he'd moved to California so didn't have to take any notice of the judge's ruling about paying me back..... Hey ho

And then today, Thursday, is the 25th anniversary of my beloved Mother's death from a frightful six month battle with cancer. I still miss her.

I miss my Dad who's anniversary of his death was early October.

 Frankly at times like this it does feel like my life sucks. You know usually I more than happy being on my own. But right now this week it feels like I don't know what I did wrong to have had to do all this on my own.

But then I'll give myself a shake and say, yes you did it all, being a single mum, doing your psychotherapy training, coping with your sons teenage years, not easy in relation to the youngest! I did get over my own cancer and cope with the boys through that time. I did get to a place where I no longer see myself as stupid. I am assertive. I do own my own house drive a sports car, have many many wonderful friends in far flung places. And do you know what I'm bloody lucky.

So come on misery come and get me today, cause I sure as hell won't have time for you tomorrow as I'm going to London to stay with big son for the weekend and that's worth it's weight in gold.


Angela said...

It is absolutely okay to sometimes look back at old times and scars and hurts, and admit we miss people, or think that life could REALLY have been easier. It even SHOULD take place once in a while, because THEN you can come to conclusions like you did, dear, brave Mandy! I am so glad that you have become the person you are now, and who knows, would you have been the same one now if all this hadn`t happened?
I wish you much fun with your oldest, and also at other times with your youngest, and most of all with your own wonderful self!
One of your far-flung friends is wishing you all the best and a good Thanksgiving Day!

Ishouldbeworking said...

You are remarkable. Truly. I didn't know any of that, and I think it's an incredible testimony to you that you have emerged from it all as good-natured and full of life as you have.

You've got to allow yourself the odd reflective day or appropriate sadness, though - there's nothing to be gained by minimising any of those huge life events, or pretending that they were a breeze. The best we can hope for at times like that is that we learn from them.

Enormous respect to you.

Twiglet said...

Have a great time with your son. For every negative there is a positive! I love that rocky photo - reminds me of Shropshire Stiperstones. x Jo

Marilyn said...

Anniversaries are tough, real tough. It is so good to hear you talking ownership of all you have done, all you have achieved. You certainly can be proud of yourself.

Have fun with your son, times like these are precious.

Anonymous said...

May you regain your sense of purpose, strength and resilience and some joy soon. A bumpy road indeed, and sadly familiar one way and another to many. It's given you such ability to travel alongside others for a while and sounds like your boys were better off without their dad. I think when an ex spouse plays dirty tricks it's to try and make it look like they were wronged rather than doing the wrongdoing. Smile tomorrow eh? Or the day after may be ♥

Merry ME said...

"They are just rocks to climb.
I am going to try to remember that, even though I'm not much of a climber. It is a great metaphor.

I know so well how you're feeling. Glad you'll be with sone #1 for awhile.

GaynorB said...

You've come a long,long way Mandy. Life, as you will testify, just isn't fair, but does help to shape us. You have told parts of your story through your blog and many of us will be able to identify with bits of it. However you've come through all of it which is a testement to your perseverance, determination and courage. True grit!

I hope you have a lovely weekend in London. The rocks will still be there next year, but will hopefully be that little bit easier to climb .....

karen said...

Enjoy your precious time with your son in London.. there's really nothing better! What a lot you have been through, and pulled out safely on the other side!

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

Take Care climbing those rocks and have a brilliant weekend with your son, you deserve it.

Pam said...

Offering love, admiration and support from one of your friends Down Under.
You are so gutsy and brave, but vulnerability offers the opportunity for compassion and understanding from others.
This post of yours allows us the opportunity to express the admiration so often felt when reading about your perspective on experiences, a lot of them so tough to deal with. But you have!
Sad is O.K.
Imagine someone who said "I have never ever been sad". We would somehow find them lacking,and I dare say,smug.
By plummeting the depths Mandy you become so wise, but guess times like this you might choose shallow stupidity for a day or two!
You are one lovely lady.
Big hug and much love to you. xxx

Helen said...

I feel a sense of pride just knowing your in this cyber world!!!!!!

Cait O'Connor said...

You have been through so much and found strength that shows in your words.

e said...

I hope you and number one son have a wonderful visit. He has a great mother and kudos to you for becoming such an open and generous person.

Carol said...

You've have had more than your fair share of shit to deal with but you have emerged from it with grace, courage, determination and humour. *takes hat off to you*

C x

Pam said...

...popping by again to find out how you are going and offer a pre Christmas hug this time!