It is such a sad time for me this week. Every year I have three foul anniversaries all falling in the same week. But this time for the first time they all fell on the day that they first occured.
Added to that I've got a whole lot of jobs that need doing, that if there was a bloke around would get fixed, like the thermostat in the shower, the outside security light. Nothing that can't be fixed, just needs me to throw money at them.
Work is very demanding, but nothing new there, and trying so hard to get this new work off the ground is very slow. It feels like crawling backwards up a hill.
So all in all I'm pretty fed up. To begin with though at the start of the week I hadn't connected all the dots up and hadn't figured out why I was just so sad and overwhelmed.
It was a client on Monday who inadvertently sparked me off. For various reasons pertaining to her I shared that I had been a single parent for a long time.
This got me thinking that I've come a long way with many bumps along the way.
So Monday was the 6th anniversary of my having my first of three operations for breast cancer. Can't remember the dates of the other ones, all I know now is that in the next eight weeks I would have had three ops and a mastectomy. I vividly recall that first morning of going into hospital accompanied by my little sister. I can see the scenes played out in my head, but no longer want to write them down. It is enough to know they are there.
On Tuesday I celebrated (!!!!) 17 years since my husband walked out on me. Suffice to say it wasn't ever something I'd expected or wanted. I got no notice that there was anything wrong with my marriage. My husband was in the Merchant Navy and had been away for 6 months on a course to become a Mississippi River boat pilot. He had met someone over in Georgia who made him feel special. So coming back to me and the boys on leave that should have been for three months and was actually one day, before he ran back to the US was just a bit of a shock to our lives to say the least! My wonderful sons were 9 and 3.5 and I have looked after them alone ever since.
My ex husband divorced me in a very acrimonious way making me suffer as much as possible. And since that one day home has seen his sons ONCE for 4 hours in 17 years. He has never sent them a Birthday or Christmas card or kept in touch with them . He owes me $100,000 in unpaid child support. I did take him to court in Georgia but he'd moved to California so didn't have to take any notice of the judge's ruling about paying me back..... Hey ho
And then today, Thursday, is the 25th anniversary of my beloved Mother's death from a frightful six month battle with cancer. I still miss her.
I miss my Dad who's anniversary of his death was early October.
Frankly at times like this it does feel like my life sucks. You know usually I more than happy being on my own. But right now this week it feels like I don't know what I did wrong to have had to do all this on my own.
But then I'll give myself a shake and say, yes you did it all, being a single mum, doing your psychotherapy training, coping with your sons teenage years, not easy in relation to the youngest! I did get over my own cancer and cope with the boys through that time. I did get to a place where I no longer see myself as stupid. I am assertive. I do own my own house drive a sports car, have many many wonderful friends in far flung places. And do you know what I'm bloody lucky.
So come on misery come and get me today, cause I sure as hell won't have time for you tomorrow as I'm going to London to stay with big son for the weekend and that's worth it's weight in gold.