Thursday, 5 May 2011
Tiredness equals too much worry
I'm tired and despondent today. I know why, I'm worrying and I'm exhausted.
The exhaustion is easy to explain I walked beyond my limit yesterday. We didn't intend to but somehow the walk ended up being TWELVE miles. This was on top of the mile I'd done first thing with the dog. I don't take the dog on these huge walks.
And when I got home from the walk I managed to run a bath and fall asleep in it.
Had to go out last night to see a friend in a wine bar. Just as well she knows me, as I yawned and groaned through our two hours together. Got home before 9pm and was in bed by 9.15 and slept really well, with the aid of a pill. As I thought I was so overtired that I'd not sleep otherwise.
This morning my body knows it worked hard yesterday but is mainly recovered, although my shoulders are aching.
Which of course could have been my rucksack or could be stress.
I'm not a real worrier, but the two things that set me off are my youngest and money. Quite often these two are directly involved!
I just about earn enough to pay my bills, but it is tight. I don't like it when I can't enjoy my life cause of things costing money I don't have. I loathe debt with a passion so won't go overdrawn, won't run up credit card bills and generally manage by ecking out little bits of money here and there.
So many times in my life I feel close to getting to the line, which every single time frightens me, as I don't know how I can cope with debt when I struggle to live on what I've got, never mind pay any more out.
There is some light at the end of various tunnels. In that hopefully fingers crossed my suggestions of what is needed will offer me some work in the Autumn, which would definitely help restore the coffers to non panic mode. I will, in three years unless the law changes get a pension from the NHS. I will one day get the rest of my Dad's estate when my hateful step mother pops her clogs (sorry if you think that sounds harsh,that is the toned down statement!)
But in the meantime this summer looks frightening. And it's my fault it does. It's cause I don't want to spend a summer without seeing my friends. So I will be finding the money to go down to Cornwall next week. I will be going to Philadelphia later in the summer.
Of course all this makes me sound ridiculous, poor little rich girl down to her last Trans Atlantic plane journey. Which of course is true. But in paying for these things I have made myself seriously anxious. Which means now I have to come to terms with my needs to see people I love,juxtaposing with the anxiety of what that means financially.
There is an argument of course for staying home and stop being so pathetic. But for me to do that is really difficult. I am incredibly lucky to have four really close friends, they live in Philly, Devon, Cornwall and Oxfordshire. I live at the other end of the country or a seriously long plane journey away from them.
I cope with my alone life by knowing that I can get to see them once in a while. To touch base with these four wonderful women keeps me sane. They have been in my life for years, two I've known for 26 years and the other two for 20 years each. So their importance to me is huge.
I will of course sort this one out in my head, because at the end of the day love is more important than money. But right now this minute it's a bit scary.
Anyone got a bag of gold they don't want?