Thursday, 5 May 2011

Tiredness equals too much worry

I'm tired and despondent today. I know why, I'm worrying and I'm exhausted.

The exhaustion is easy to explain I walked beyond my limit yesterday. We didn't intend to but somehow the walk ended up being TWELVE miles. This was on top of the mile I'd done first thing with the dog. I don't take the dog on these huge walks.

And when I got home from the walk I managed to run a bath and fall asleep in it.
Had to go out last night to see a friend in a wine bar. Just as well she knows me, as I yawned and groaned through our two hours together. Got home before 9pm and was in bed by 9.15 and slept really well, with the aid of a pill. As I thought I was so overtired that I'd not sleep otherwise.

This morning my body knows it worked hard yesterday but is mainly recovered, although my shoulders are aching.

Which of course could have been my rucksack or could be stress.

I'm not a real worrier, but the two things that set me off are my youngest and money. Quite often these two are directly involved!

I just about earn enough to pay my bills, but it is tight. I don't like it when I can't enjoy my life cause of things costing money I don't have. I loathe debt with a passion so won't go overdrawn, won't run up credit card bills and generally manage by ecking out little bits of money here and there.

So many times in my life I feel close to getting to the line, which every single time frightens me, as I don't know how I can cope with debt when I struggle to live on what I've got, never mind pay any more out.

There is some light at the end of various tunnels. In that hopefully fingers crossed my suggestions of what is needed will offer me some work in the Autumn, which would definitely help restore the coffers to non panic mode. I will, in three years unless the law changes get a pension from the NHS. I will one day get the rest of my Dad's estate when my hateful step mother pops her clogs (sorry if you think that sounds harsh,that is the toned down statement!)

But in the meantime this summer looks frightening. And it's my fault it does. It's cause I don't want to spend a summer without seeing my friends. So I will be finding the money to go down to Cornwall next week. I will be going to Philadelphia later in the summer.

Of course all this makes me sound ridiculous, poor little rich girl down to her last Trans Atlantic plane journey. Which of course is true. But in paying for these things I have made myself seriously anxious. Which means now I have to come to terms with my needs to see people I love,juxtaposing with the anxiety of what that means financially.

There is an argument of course for staying home and stop being so pathetic. But for me to do that is really difficult. I am incredibly lucky to have four really close friends, they live in Philly, Devon, Cornwall and Oxfordshire. I live at the other end of the country or a seriously long plane journey away from them.

I cope with my alone life by knowing that I can get to see them once in a while. To touch base with these four wonderful women keeps me sane. They have been in my life for years, two I've known for 26 years and the other two for 20 years each. So their importance to me is huge.

I will of course sort this one out in my head, because at the end of the day love is more important than money. But right now this minute it's a bit scary.

Anyone got a bag of gold they don't want?


Anonymous said...

Much of what you've written here today I can relate to and a lot of it characterises my life too. I keep telling myself that in 15 months time my superannuation will kick in, just last out until then girl as I am not fit enough for a 'proper' job. So, perhaps you can do some car boot sales between now and September? I've just spent £13.63 in the supermarket and I feel rich! BH

Helen said...

I also relate to what you have shared with us. I retired at the age of 64 to care for my mother. Worked part time to supplement my social security benefit. I am also leary of going way into debt .. though I certainly do have some. I am blessed to have some savings and dip into that more frequently than I should I fear. However as I approach the age of 70later this year, I become more and more aware of 'not being able to take it with me.' I need a little adventure and I intend to have it. Trying to sort out what it might be. Maybe a trip to your wonderful country? It's been far too long ..........

Angela said...

Put it on your Magic Paper! I know this is crazy, I do, but I have tried it out a couple times, and it has worked for me. I write down what exactly I need, or want, or think I`d like to have. And then I leave it up to the Universe to provide for it.
Have you tried? Sometimes it finds unusual solutions, but it mostly does! (Like, one of your friends can come to your place, or you can sell some old silver you don`t need anymore, you get paid for something you haven`t expected, whatever). Good luck with everything, Mandy!

GaynorB said...

Unfortunately I don't have that elusive pot of money either Mandy.

Worry is natural, but being able to visit friends is part of why you work so hard.

So enjoy them while you can. This is the real thing and not just the rehearsal!

miss*R said...

all will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well xoxo

loved, the bit about your step mother! and hey, just be thankful you aren't coming to visit me!! now there is a huge expense xoxo
[I like Angela's idea.. magick paper, wishing bowl... it works xo]

trousers said...

I can relate to this in my own way too.

Do I be sensible and miserable, or do I use my money for the things which I feel sustain me, but subsequently store up an increasing load of anxiety as a result?

At the moment, it's an unhappy mixture of those things.

Mel said...

Oh boy......let's not go there.

Outcome is more than the ingo at the moment and I cannot figure it out for the life of me.

I think I'll blame the stupid gas prices that hike up everything needed....or at least everything I think I need.

I am not a worrier--I'm a RAWR-er!!


(feel free to steal that 'rawr' any time you like!)

Pam said...

I've been at the sensible and miserable stage for a while. Its a vexed question. While we carefully factor in superannuation,I know one or two people who have erred on the side of caution with savings to make sure of a happy comfortable retirement and didn't get to live to do so. Husband and I luckily travelled a lot when we were younger and have always tried to live by the motto "Life's too short". but now have to tighten our belts with our house purchase and daughter's health expenses. I hate debt so I think its a balance. When you think you'd go insane if you don't get away - then do it, but do it within the limits of what won't cause you financial nightmare. Tiredness lifts too when your kids are happily financially and emotionally independent - so good luck there too - I have times when I could sleep all week!xxxxx

Paula said...

Mandy Mine, sensible and miserable as trousers put it. Or as I have learned to intense feelings can co-exist at the same time. Miss talking to you, miss picking up the phone, miss being in reach for one another. Love and hugs

Lyn said...

Mandy - it's a quandry -- how much to sacrifice for what is important to us. I hope it sorts itself out and that you can spend time with the people you care about, and not lose too many nights sleep over it. Love the photos you added to your blog dear Mandy! Take care and get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Mel
would you like a bowl of stone soup?
it's what's on the menu for May...