Saturday, 12 March 2011

I just want my own stress not anyone elses!

As you know I have two sons, whom I adore. They make my life worth living, I've been a single parent to them for years and we are all three of us close.

The eldest lives in London and works as a civil servant training to be an accountant. Makes me wonder why he read politics at uni!
When he's there I don't worry about his comings and goings. I know he's living his life. And if there was a problem he needed my help with,or good news to share he'd phone me.

My youngest son is 20 tomorrow and lives at home, and for the first time since leaving school he's been in full time employment since last Monday. He's working for a car manufacturer and is doing spot welding, whatever that is. Although he's(and they!) on a three month probation period, he is so glad to have got a job and is so looking forward to his pay packet, as opposed to the dole that I don't think he'll jeopardise it by being stupid.

That said his first really serious relationship ended last night. It had been coming on for a couple of weeks, She'd been moody and wanting space and not answering his texts for hours. To begin with he'd just been broken hearted and this had meant long conversations into the night with me most nights during the week.

But he's not my son for nothing, so he took control on Wednesday and said he needed a decision as he couldn't go on not knowing and just hurting. This assertive behaviour worked wonders for him. He didn't want his relationship to end,but at the same time he didn't want to feel powerless any more. So he's been making plans with a mate to find a place together in the next town, half way between where they both work. My son currently has an hour commute, which is a lot on a 10 hour working day.

What I am fearful of is him now only a week into this job, being so upset that he goes off and gets drunk, with it's subsequent potential results. As you know for the last two years he has given me more cause for concern than is healthy for anyone to deal with.

So I spent last evening when he went out fretting, was he drinking,would he drive, would he get into a fight, would he be calling me from a police cell etc etc. The temptation to phone him around 11pm to find out if he was okay was nearly overwhelming. I knew if I had phoned him he's have just thought I was nagging, so I didn't. Around 11.30 he came in, been at his mates having 'a take away' and no booze, and his girlfriend had texted him to break off their relationship, neither of us were impressed with that! And he was tired after his week at work so wanted an early night.

Which means that probably I will now go back to worrying Friday and Saturday night for some time as he gets over this. I just hope his ambition to work is strong enough to make that his focus, rather than being an idiot again.

I want to stop worrying about him in this very stressful way. It's damaging to me and I've done enough of it.I want him to leave home, start in a new town afresh, and come round Sunday for lunch and his washing to be done, make new friends, open new doors. And allow me to just get on with my own stress of my life and not his.


GaynorB said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed that he isn't derailed by the break up of his relationship.

Growing up can be difficult, whatever the age! The good thing is that he came home.

Coping with someone elses stress is harder, because ultimately you are powerless to effect any change unless the person concerned wants that change.

Keep strong, and make sure that you take care of yourself too, Mandy.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like he's doing very well, and with a ma like you he's going to be all right, really... The guilt when my two left home (single parenting too)that I felt, wow, but was I relieved!

jeanette from everton terrace said...

I once read that if you think a man can break your heart, have a child. Will pray for serenity for both of you.

Helen said...

Mandy, one of the reasons I'm drawn to you is the similarity in our lives when it comes to children. Yes, mine are considerably older ~ but I've experienced so much of what you have. I hope no one in my family is reading this ... but it continues into the next generation! Worry, fretting and all of it. Somehow I go on and so will you!!!

LindyLouMac said...

Oh dear, the lows of parenthood are tough especially on your own. Take Care.

Mel said...

Oh, I feel ya!

It's so wonderful when they venture out on their own.

((((((((( the byrdie ))))))))))

no foolin--the word ver is 'sightend'.
How's THAT for a fortune and a half?!

Angela said...

As you said, Mandy, he is your son. He has made his own mistakes, like we all have to, and he sure has learned something from them. One day we have to let go, and 20 is about the time. Happy birthday, Alex! You`ll be fine.

Carol said...

It sounds like he's being pretty mature about it all. He's taken the initiative to demand a resolution one way or another with his girlfriend (can't believe she ended it by text...that's just nasty!) and it sounds like he's so thrilled to have a job that he's not going to jeopardise it. Hang on in there hon...I'm sure he won't do anything daft!


C x

Beatnheart said...

Ah must be so very difficult to back off and let him live his life, but you simply must. It’s gotta be hard, wondering,”where did I go wrong” but son #1 seems to be doing alright, so who knows...Did divorce upset him? You must not enable him and his distructive behavior. If you do, this stuff could go on for years. Him getting his own pad will help. Here’s hoping the job sticks and he sorts himself out. Drinking and drugs....ugh.

Paula said...

Mandy Mine, what a week! IT must be hard beyond my understanding as I am no Mother. Allow yourself to live your life!Thinking of you. Love from my heart to yours.

Marilyn said...

Oh that's what we mothers do, worry about our children, wanting them to cope well with set backs ...hoping and praying that they do. All we can do is have faith in them and show them that we have that faith ...and quietly keep on worrying, it's what comes with parenthood.
I hope all works out well for your son, and you, and that he comes through this as a stronger person.

Anonymous said...

Oh Byrd...
It never ends does it?
We want so much for them to soar..
can't give them our life lessons all wrapped with a neat bow..
I am giving you a big old HUG,
and sending you love
and strength to help you stand there
and be Mum...
I love you lady...

Ishouldbeworking said...

Who'd go back to being that age? Several skins too few, feeling everything so intensely...but the good thing is, he's telling you about it. That bodes very well. I hope his pain, and your vicarious pain, pass quickly.

Pam said...

Feeling for you Mandy. Fingers crossed. Its hard.
I've crossed into the early years of 'mothering an adult'. Not finding it easy. At all.
Added to the previous mix of "Am I being too....", I've now added the word... distant?...because there are some life lessons that we can't live for our children, can't be in their pockets, and personal boundaries need to shift.
I am so thinking of you friend. You need to look after yourself and emotional strength too.
I wish worry didn't come with the territory, but for some offspring it most certainly does.
Big hug to you.

Midwest to Midlands said...

Good luck to you and your sons. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and it's good they talk with you about things. Thanks so much for the follow. From your message could you please tell me your initials at least the first one so I can do as you requested? Not sure which is you. (I won't publish) Thanks!

trousers said...

I've only just seen this post, I wasn't around last weekend. Sorry to hear this, and I hope he can keep himself together for his sake or yours. x

trousers said...

"...for his sake and yours"