Tuesday, 23 September 2008

LOOKING FOR PEACE IN MYSELF AGAIN!


I am a really good con artist. I specialise in conning myself all the time. I work really hard at it, so that I can believe in what I need myself to believe in.

It's surprisingly hard work this, as however much I apply logic and sense to what I need to believe, my emotions sabotage me, and undermine by behaviour so I end up doing something else!

And what do I con myself about...... relationships, of course!

I act all tough and independent about not needing a relationship with a man.
I mean I've got great family, astonishing friends, a great job, a fast car.... blah blah blah!

And some of the time I buy into this con, and I'm really happy in myself.

But other times I'm not, I'm lonely and empty and yearn for someone special in my life.

For a very long time I've been unable to join an internet dating site, reason will be clear in a bit. But a few weeks ago,in a moment of not thinking, but feeling, I joined one. It is allied to a newspaper, and I liked it as it tries hard to find people who you are compatible with .

Course once I'd joined it, I did nothing, my ambivalence about doing it shone through. But to cut a boring story short, there is a man I've been flirting with for a few weeks. And the amount of emails we are exchanging is getting more frequent.

Initially I was a real tough cookie and did my best to put him off, but he kept coming back for more.

Last night instead of the normal exchange we've been having I decided to ask him 22 questions ( look I don't have to be conventional here, do I?) And in asking him I wrote my answers as well.

I woke up this morning knowing that he had been in my head during the night.
I checked my emails this morning before work.... sad I know, but I'm an addict right!

He'd answered them and said he would send me some of his own. His answers made me laugh and I was/am looking forward to his questions.

Here in lies the problem. The reason I haven't joined an internet site before and now have to face with this man is, when do I tell him I've had a mastectomy?

The answer is, this afternoon. It is almost too early, except this contact is starting to matter to me and I do not want to climb this mountain to be rejected because of my physical self. I can cope with someone not liking my personality, although, obviously would find it hard to believe, being as gorgeous as I am!!!!

I have worked so hard to be at peace with myself about how I look. I don't hide it, as you know, but it's whole new ball game to tell an anonymous person that I've only got one breast.

I know I'm taking a risk this early, but I'd far rather be rejected for this right now, than before I get any more emotionally involved.

He is seemingly a nice man, and whatever his response to this information, I know he will handle it gently. And I know that because of his life it may not be a straightforward reaction.

But I can't second guess him.

I just know that this afternoon, I feel so sad, and alone and facing the horrible shit inside that I can mainly leave locked in a cupboard. I'm not frightened of letting it out, when it needs to come out I deal with it.

Just wish right now there was someone here to wrap there arms round me and tell me it'll be ok, and that I'm ok. And it's ok to be sad, which I know it is, but I'd just so love that special person, wherever he is in the world, to get here soon. I need the hugs.

And if all else fails I shall put myself back together and go back to the con!

I know this is an old record, but every time I have to deal with it, it reopens the emotional wounds. And if I can't tell you who can I tell?

25 comments:

mountainear said...

So sorry you're feeling down this afternoon - I don't expect my sympathy will help you find that inner peace you crave.

None of us are as tough as we like to make out - and perhaps all seek the safety, security and solace we felt as infants in our mother's arms. If he's worth his salt it won't matter to your man if you have one breast or two (though being a man he's probable like the thought of 3 or more - sorry, flippant comment).

I'm sure it will be OK. Best wishes.

Mei Del said...

you're quite right - tell it now and then it'll get easier ... in fact maybe even get to the stage it's the first thing you hang out there just to be sure they only love you for your personality, you gorgeous woman you ... kind of reminds me of my friend maria who tells all potential dates she had 17 stitches on her face from a biking crash. what she doesn't reveal is that it's healed so well i can't really see any scars and she doesn't wear make up either, ever... but she is very self conscious about them i know.

(((byrd))) xx

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I can relate to this very closely. When and what to say is something I find incredibly difficult.
However, from experience there are of course a few men who will disappear as soon as you mention anything. Which is great because what would you want with a man like that?!
However, over the years I've used internet dating sites I can honestly say men have shown themselves to mostly be incredibly understanding and willing to deal with these kind of issues.
I think it's usually best to keep it very simple initially, if I were you I'd say I was a breast cancer survivor as it's something most people understand, and if they want to disappear they will at that point, if not they'll ask questions.
Hope that helps, and I hope the guy proves himself worthy, BG x

Angela said...

I know how good it is to have a man who loves you and whom you can love. And I wish you such a man, and truly hope this is HIM. You are a very lovable woman, please, Mr. Unknown Man, recognize her for what she is!! I am sending you (and him!)all my loving powers to make him feel what is really important. Cheer up, my dear Fire Byrd! You are complete!

trousers said...

I think the "con artist" aspect of what you write is a bit harsh: your posts when you've been in that independent, not-needing-a-man kind of space suggest to me far more positive stuff than that you're conning yourself.

That aside, I would echo what everyone else has said: thoughtful stuff with which I can only agree, and I'm sending hugs and my warmest wishes.

One point: do you know for sure that he has a full set of everything?

KittyB said...

I have just had a catch-up session so am seething about your youngest's attack, feeling your pride about your eldest, wanting to read that cups of tea book and now smiling. Because it doesn't matter about your scar. About one boob. That's not you. I have two scars, and now two boobs and that would take some explaining too. All my own vain and selfish doing, weak and silly, however neccessary I felt it. Yours was a sacrifice and so marks you as a survivor, a strong and vibrant woman. Which is what comes across in your blogs. Would you care if he had one testical, or a finger missing, or three nipples or was bald?

Fire Byrd said...

Thank you for your lovely messages.
Your words of wisdom are of course right.
Trouble is today has not been about wisdom, it's been about grief.
Grief for myself and my body, grief for what my boys have and are going through.
Plus many other layers that once I go into this bad place all have to awknowledged before I can move on. Which I will do, but maybe not today.

The man by the way emailed me twice, and was as I suspected very gentle with me and not bothered.

But bald men, Kitty..... !!!

xxxxxxx

Sorrow said...

Love ya Darlin, what more can i say....

Ronjazz said...

It's just a damned shame that the ocean is in the way...

Angela said...

Fire Byrd,you visited me (thank you!), and I assure you I`m the real Angela. I do hope all is going well with you!!

hele said...

I wish with all my heart that you receive that hug soon.

Fire Byrd said...

sorrow, what I do without you my dear friend.

ron, we both know.

angela, how lovely that you came back twice.

hele welcome and thank you for your wish.
xxxx

kristin said...

Just asking the difficult questions of yourself is the first step, and sometimes harder than we imagine. Perhaps you aren't "conning" yourself, but these are just various "sides" of your complex mind and heart. It's "okay" to be lonely. It's "okay" to be independent. Mostly, you are struggling to be HONEST, and that is about as courageous - and refreshing - as one can be!

On a "personal note"...when my (now) fiance' and I first met, over 4 yrs ago now, I had to make a decision about a very painful personal revelation that I wondered if I should make to him....after several dates, it felt increasingly necessary. So I did. Of course, it was hard, and I was "emotional" (in a controlled sort of way)... but, was it the right choice? Oh yes, it was. No question. It established a "precident", a kind of truthfulness and honesty, as well as a willingness to show a "vulnerable" side. We still talk about this event, sometimes, and what it meant to both of us.

Yes, share it. Go ahead. Give what you hope to get...the trust and the honesty. Have faith. It may help you see what he is made of.

Blessings to you.

Fire Byrd said...

lovely wise words kristan, thank you for stopping by and sharing them with me, I appreciate it
x

miss*R said...

Hey Pixie xo _ I am back from my sabbatical.. ha! really just a break..

grief is something that I experienced too when I went through my treatment... until someone said to me that a uterus does not make me a women.. it is who I am.. I know that you probably know this and are still working through it all and I promise that as time goes by, it does get easier with all the head crap that comes with cancer... I am here with you always xoxo

Walker said...

Just remember you are an independant strong woman with nothing to hide and if someone doesn't like you because of something as small as that then you don't need him.
Tell him the truth and let him show his true colors as it should be.

Trixie said...

I'm glad he took it well, hopefully this will help you lift your mood a little.

And I know what you mean, majorly, your a happy person, happy with your life, but it would be nice to have a special 'person' in your life. *sigh*

Mom/Mum said...

Hi Trixie - just popping in after you left me a comment on my blog.
great blog btw - I liked reading it.
Good luck with telling him. If he's the one it shouldn't matter to him...
I have to say I am a fan of internet dating. I met my husband on a dating site. It gave me the chance to meet someone when I felt I way was past crusing in a bar or nightclubbing for a guy.
But, yes, there are some weirdos lurking on them, but I think you can quickly weed them out via email chats.
Wishing you luck.

nitebyrd said...

Virtual though it may be - (((HUG!)))

Fear of rejection is in all of us, no matter how well we've learned to cope with ourselves. I definitely think the earlier you tell him, the easier it will be; easier to continue with a possible relationship or to break it off before it gets too hurtful.

I was listening to a TV show about maturity and relationships. The speaker said she doesn't like pineapple. There's nothing WRONG with pineapple. It's a lovely fruit but she doesn't like it. It's okay not to like pineapple, not everyone will. However, there are many, many people that LOVE pineapple.

If you think of yourself as a pineapple, you'll know that you're fine as you are and can accept that some people are fools for not liking pineapple and the ones that love it are brilliant!

(Sorry for rambling and saying "pineapple" so many times.)

having my cake said...

I think the way BG said it was best. You are a survivor. Big hug x

Fire Byrd said...

robyn, lovely to see you again. And for your very wise words.

walker have you been peeping? I may be small but I perfectly formed!!

trix, we'll both get it sorted one fine day and then we'll have a bloody big party!

mom/mum lovely to meet you and thanks for those words of hope.

nitebyrd.... I pineapple you!!!

cake, good to see you again,thanks for stopping by and the hug.

xxxxxx

Mel said...

I can get so busy chasing what's good and true that I'm able to get that 'other stuff' into it's appropriate size. That doesn't mean I'm 'conning myself'....it just means that I've got it into it's appropriate size.
And sometimes.......IT gets bigger.
Normally that's not about 'conning' myself, it's about letting it get too much air time, letting it become THE defining principle of all that Mel is--when you and I and the Big Guy know that it is not.

It'll become 'heart knowledge' when it gets there.
When it drops from my head into my heart--the battle will be done, yaknow?

(((((((((( you ))))))))))))

Don't think I'll ever 'buy' that you're a 'con'.
But I do know how 'big' I can let that stuff get when I'm not centered in all that's good and true about Mel, yaknow?

Fire Byrd said...

lovely wise words Mel.
When I get into that space I'm very black and white about myself, very harsh.
It's away to protect myself in a perverse way, so that no-one else can get me, cause I've already done it to myself.
Now four days later I'm back on track as sosmenone who likes myself all of me.
hug straight back at you hon xx

Pam said...

I know I am late visiting here, but you left a comment on my blog, and I wanted to return the visit. All the very best with this."Con" is definitely the wrong word. You are courageous and are dealing extraordinarily well with your grief, which I hope for you will turn to happiness if this man is worthy.

Cormac Mac Art said...

For myself, I would like to be told sooner, rather than later. Maybe not at the first meeting but certainly the second or third. Yet I think, mostly, we deserve more credit in this area than we are given. Hope he rises to the occasion. If not, I'll gather the posse, cut him off at the pass and string him up on Boot Hill.