Tuesday, 23 September 2008
LOOKING FOR PEACE IN MYSELF AGAIN!
I am a really good con artist. I specialise in conning myself all the time. I work really hard at it, so that I can believe in what I need myself to believe in.
It's surprisingly hard work this, as however much I apply logic and sense to what I need to believe, my emotions sabotage me, and undermine by behaviour so I end up doing something else!
And what do I con myself about...... relationships, of course!
I act all tough and independent about not needing a relationship with a man.
I mean I've got great family, astonishing friends, a great job, a fast car.... blah blah blah!
And some of the time I buy into this con, and I'm really happy in myself.
But other times I'm not, I'm lonely and empty and yearn for someone special in my life.
For a very long time I've been unable to join an internet dating site, reason will be clear in a bit. But a few weeks ago,in a moment of not thinking, but feeling, I joined one. It is allied to a newspaper, and I liked it as it tries hard to find people who you are compatible with .
Course once I'd joined it, I did nothing, my ambivalence about doing it shone through. But to cut a boring story short, there is a man I've been flirting with for a few weeks. And the amount of emails we are exchanging is getting more frequent.
Initially I was a real tough cookie and did my best to put him off, but he kept coming back for more.
Last night instead of the normal exchange we've been having I decided to ask him 22 questions ( look I don't have to be conventional here, do I?) And in asking him I wrote my answers as well.
I woke up this morning knowing that he had been in my head during the night.
I checked my emails this morning before work.... sad I know, but I'm an addict right!
He'd answered them and said he would send me some of his own. His answers made me laugh and I was/am looking forward to his questions.
Here in lies the problem. The reason I haven't joined an internet site before and now have to face with this man is, when do I tell him I've had a mastectomy?
The answer is, this afternoon. It is almost too early, except this contact is starting to matter to me and I do not want to climb this mountain to be rejected because of my physical self. I can cope with someone not liking my personality, although, obviously would find it hard to believe, being as gorgeous as I am!!!!
I have worked so hard to be at peace with myself about how I look. I don't hide it, as you know, but it's whole new ball game to tell an anonymous person that I've only got one breast.
I know I'm taking a risk this early, but I'd far rather be rejected for this right now, than before I get any more emotionally involved.
He is seemingly a nice man, and whatever his response to this information, I know he will handle it gently. And I know that because of his life it may not be a straightforward reaction.
But I can't second guess him.
I just know that this afternoon, I feel so sad, and alone and facing the horrible shit inside that I can mainly leave locked in a cupboard. I'm not frightened of letting it out, when it needs to come out I deal with it.
Just wish right now there was someone here to wrap there arms round me and tell me it'll be ok, and that I'm ok. And it's ok to be sad, which I know it is, but I'd just so love that special person, wherever he is in the world, to get here soon. I need the hugs.
And if all else fails I shall put myself back together and go back to the con!
I know this is an old record, but every time I have to deal with it, it reopens the emotional wounds. And if I can't tell you who can I tell?