There are sometimes when the bleeding obvious bites me on the nose, that I wonder why it's taken me so long to spot something.
Today is a case in point.
Whilst I've been staying with my beloved friend in Philly, she has had to going out to work each day. And I have, therefore, been alone all day.
So this has meant that she has come home every day to a clean kitchen and laundry done. That I have got through five books. Have done the shopping, been to the pool,and caught the train into Philly to meet up with her after work.
But it has also meant that I have spent a lot of time on my own, and this evening this has really got to me.
I've been feeling really low and couldn't work out why. On the most obvious level, it's because I go home tomorrow and don't know when I will be able to afford the next airfare.
It was bigger than that though.
One of the things I have missed terribly whilst I've been here, is my sons. And normally when I go away I always speak with them but don't ache to see them.
Today when I went to the pool, after my swim I sat in the sun, by the end of the pool that the boys and my friends sons used to play in, for the many years that they used to come over here with me. I could see their shadows jumping in and out of the water. I could hear their shouts and laughter. I felt very sad for those long gone times.
When I get home my eldest will pick me up from Manchester and take me home. I do not know how long he'll stay before he goes back to his base in Liverpool. I would really love it if he's around till Sunday so we can all have lunch together. Which for me will be affirming of our little family unit.
So what I was beating myself up about was why was I feeling so miserable and lonely and hating being so lonely. For the last 23 years I have loved being alone. It's been treasured time and I have relished every moment that I was able to get that time.
And what I have now is of course empty nest syndrome. My beloved boys aren't around anymore in the same way as when small , they don't need me to mother them in the same way as when they were little. So the treasured alone time was a treat in a busy life as a single mum bringing up my sons. As yet I haven't found anything to replace that emotional busyness.
I am an exceptionally busy person, I'm never happier than when I don't have time to breathe in a day. But all this frenetic activity that I fill my life up with, is a way to stave off those times when I've nothing in my life emotionally that needs me.
And it has been sitting on The Porch today that has brought that realisation to me.
It probably also goes a long way to make sense of my passion for falling in love!!! I know that I love being in love, and do not use it it in a healthy way , but more in a way to pre-occupy myself from facing the aloneness in me.
So that's it, the bleeding obvious...... Now all I've got to do is work out how I turn it round inside myself, so that aloneness is a pleasure again and not a fear. And that I can get a better balance on my feelings rather than a full on running away from them.
One life changing decision is already made, as my youngest son and I will be getting another dog as soon as I can sort it. Which will mean that when i come home to my endlessly empty house there will be a furry friend to speak to and care for, something I know will help enormously, as it did when we had our other dog.
So that's the practical taken care of , just the existential to sort now!!!!!