Friday, 20 June 2008


In the last two weeks two old relationships have come out of the woodwork.


First off was, Mr Butterfly Kisses, he called me up. He does that when his sense of isolation in his marriage gets too much for him. He calls cause he wants to hear me smiling. He wants he to tell him he's a good bloke and that I still care for him. Even though a relationship between us doesn't stand a hope in hell, as he well knows.
He doesn't want to leave his wife and I don't want a relationship with a married man.

Now obviously I have had one in the past with this man, otherwise he's never have got his name. He was the first man to see me naked after my mastectomy and to make love to me. And he, without thought kissed me form my mouth all the way down my body passed my then very raw scar. He made me feel that it was going to be ok to have sex again, for which I will always be grateful.

So he phones every so often, he doesn't think about the affect of his call on me... he just needs to feel better. There is no way I can ever call him back, even if I wanted to. And nowadays I don't, I've learnt that this relationship is one sided and he calls the shots. So rather than let myself go to a bad place with that I have switched off my feelings for him.

And yet in every conversation he tells me we are going to be together one day, and it doesn't seem to get heard that I don't love him enough for that to ever happen. We get to the end of the conversation and I may not hear from him for another couple of months.

Then we get to the next, old relationship.... the last one.... the one I closed my blog down for.... the one that lies were told about.... the one that I was so angry and hurt that rather than post about it I destroyed prada pixie.

The one that I have spent the the last six weeks getting over. Coping with the hurt, pulling myself out of the abyss of unhappiness to move forward again. It's been tough, and I thought I'd got there.

In fact I went to stay with the friends who held me metaphorically in the bad weeks, last weekend and he was out of my system completely. Enough that I enjoyed a flirtation with a gorgeous sailor (nothing else Trix, just a fun conversation!)

I started on the journey home and he'd text me for the first time since we ended. I answered, he sent another, I answered over the next four hours as I travelled home. Then he phoned me.


Was he bored, lonely, out of his latest relationship. He seemed to be wanting contact not because it was me, as was born out of the phone call when he wanted to talk about the woman in Australia who apparently phoned him for an hour and a half a few days before. Did I need any of this..... not much.

Then he ended the call.

And I haven't heard from him since.

And where I've ended up is with another headfuck job. I didn't need this, I certainly didn't want it. I really don't want to spend my time hoping that he'll phone me anytime soon and tell me that he really does want to get back together.

I know two things, one my heart is not in agreement with my head. And it would be an absolute disaster.Not of course that he has offered anything, it's merely my imagination going into emotional overdrive and my head telling me to get a grip. And I'd sorted them out so they were working alongside each other not in opposition!!!!

Added to that I have been informed by youngest with attitude that if he ever claps eyes on him again he'll head butt him for his behaviour to me during the time we were together.

So I'm writing this as a way to get myself back on track.

I'm worth more than either of these selfish men, who think 'hey I'm lonely' or whatever and I'll give byrd a call and she'll make it better.

Go away leave me alone I don't want to play. I just have to keep telling myself that and sooner or later I will as usual totally feel and believe it!!!!!

The photgraph is of a place called Lovers Leap in Dovedale, Nicely ironic I think!


Mei Del said...

i can't believe the selfishness of these men! When i was constantly stalked by an ex-lover i considered getting my no. changed - do you think that might help you?

Exmoorjane said...

Why oh why do they do this? You're doing so great BB, don't let them puck it up for you. Imagine you're a dog that's picked up a couple of fleas - big solid shake (or a solid dose of Frontline) and get rid of the puggers. Then you can wag your tail again and go back hunting in the bracken....(ok, really bad dog metaphor here but you know what I mean)....
Remember that handbag always - you are worth SO much more than their rubbish.

ChrisH said...

Walk away and stay away. Easy for someone outside to say, I know.

Queen Vixen said...

The first one has you on a pedestal as a fantasy - I think he believes what he says. What he says always touches a little intuitive spot inside of me, so much so I have to slap it down in case I say 'you never know' - whatever he does to you seems to resonate with me. I personally dont write that one off. He just needs to get his balls out of his wifes handbag.

The second one - well how dare he! I knew he would, dont get fucked in the head again. He and his 'little' bits and bobs can just go resolve their own issues (if you get my drift without saying stuff that would be outragiously breaking confidentiality). He gives you just enough of a 'he must like me to contact me' hook then slaps you down. Sad git! Leave well alone before I get the 'well you never know' stuff going for him too. Both of these fellas are facinated by you if you want my opinion. You dont need to be facinated by them - gorgious sailors sound a safer prospect. We have soooo much to talk about on the 30th xxx

Bollinger Byrd said...

OOHH let's hear it for strong women who are on your side!!
You lot are just saying exactly what I'd be saying to someone else if asked,
And I know you are right.
So I shall hold on to this instead of going into that daft place of being hooked.

mei x
jane x
chrish, welcome x
QV, xx can't wait to see you to!

elizabethm said...

Your son is so right. You deserve better and are so much better happy on your own than being kept on a string.
let it go. Just open your hand and let it go.
good luck.

Milla said...

Wow, that's a bit of a way to meet you (though have heard about you from Jane and am a fellow coo-er and, yes, I've known her for a few years now and she's FAB, even if she does like to rush up and down the street, half-naked, roaring "Relight My Fie-yurrr" (you mean she didn't do that for you? Sheesh, why DID you think so many men were hanging about?) Anyway, I digress. Great to read you, kick ancient, has-been asses to the kerb and go crack open a bottle.

nitebyrd said...

You obviously know that these are both very selfish men. Getting you head and heart in unison can be very difficult. Maybe at one point your head will allow you to change your phone number so your heart won't get hurt by these narcissistic clods.


Kaycie said...

I say you change all your phone numbers and move on, girl. Neither one of them are worth the pain.

Fern said...

You get what you settle for in life, don't settle for either of those w---s, oops can't believe I nearly said that online, it must be catching!
Have a great weekend!

Bollinger Byrd said...

wow more strong women.. go for it girls even if it means saying wankers!!!!
elizabethm, you are so right!x
welcome milla, I to have heard lots about you! mutual appreciation group just about to start!x
nitebyrd as one to another go girl xx
fern welcome thanks for stopping by I so appreciate it,xx

Bollinger Byrd said...

trousers were are you hon when we need you????

trousers said...

*sigh* - you were so much in a better place. But you're still not far away from that good place, I hope.

After one relationship was over, I didn't change my phone number, nor did I delete her name/number from my phone. But I changed her display name to "Control Freak" so that should she ever call me, then straightaway there would be a reminder that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to answer.

I hope you can move on from this quickly, by whatever means it takes. Looks like you're getting plenty of good advice here anyway! Hugs from me x

Bollinger Byrd said...

first response... trousers I do love you!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Everyone else has said far better than I could try, so just hugs BG x x x

Bollinger Byrd said...

bg.. I've sent you an email!

sorrow11 said...

I feel like i am visiting the strong woman's club! Wow! (ooopps, sorry trousers..heh)
They have all said it best, just keep reminding yourself that you are strong, and that the rest of us, will just keep supporting you through!
GO Byrd!

Frances said...

Lots of good thoughts have been generously given here, making quite a contrast to the selfish thought that you've written about, bb.

I am thinking that I would love to see a photo of the potential head butt! Sorry to be encouraging violence....

I also liked the suggestion about changing the label on the phone to control freak. It helps me to have some images ready as reminders of roads I don't want to walk down again.

Best wishes!

Bollinger Byrd said...

sorrow, and you are so part of that woman's strong club for me.

francis, welcome and thank you for your sage advice.


WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

BB - don't give them the power - if they text, don't reply . . . if they phone - hang up . . . by returning texts and by engaging in conversation you are giving the message that this is ok - this is what I want . . .
And head Butt has obviously got it right . . . so do as everyone is saying and change your numbers and walk and ENJOY the frustration both men will feel when they can't get hold of you . . . and who will have ALL the power . . . wonderful you.

evetemple said...

Pixie (I refuse to acknowledge that she is gone!), you are surrounded by true women (and man). Loved trousers' idea. I'm wondering which names on my phone I can change to more accurate get me in the mood for the first "hello".....

Yes, we know the world is full of wankers. The important thing to do, though, and as you well know, is to understand the vulnerability in yourself that inclines you to those downward spirals. Not that they're not being selfish gits, but they're not going to change, are they?

Easier said than done, I know. I should talk. However, it does make me an expert. Call me next time you're feeling crappy. You know I don't care if it's the middle of the night over here.

Can't wait to see you in July. Cupboard being stocked with G&T and porch candles.

Love, Eve

Bollinger Byrd said...

westerwhich lovely to see you. your advice of course is spot on. the difficulty is that i do want to have contact with these men. and therin lies the problem as they don't want what I want.

eve my dearest friend, as ever such sound advice. it is all the stuff in me I have to sort out.

is it too early to pack yet?????
love you x


Anonymous said...

You know you're worth so much more. Keep telling yourself that and wave goodbye to the selfish deadbeats that are trying to control you.

CJ xx