Friday, 20 June 2008
THINGS THAT CRAWL OUT OF THE WOODWORK
In the last two weeks two old relationships have come out of the woodwork.
First off was, Mr Butterfly Kisses, he called me up. He does that when his sense of isolation in his marriage gets too much for him. He calls cause he wants to hear me smiling. He wants he to tell him he's a good bloke and that I still care for him. Even though a relationship between us doesn't stand a hope in hell, as he well knows.
He doesn't want to leave his wife and I don't want a relationship with a married man.
Now obviously I have had one in the past with this man, otherwise he's never have got his name. He was the first man to see me naked after my mastectomy and to make love to me. And he, without thought kissed me form my mouth all the way down my body passed my then very raw scar. He made me feel that it was going to be ok to have sex again, for which I will always be grateful.
So he phones every so often, he doesn't think about the affect of his call on me... he just needs to feel better. There is no way I can ever call him back, even if I wanted to. And nowadays I don't, I've learnt that this relationship is one sided and he calls the shots. So rather than let myself go to a bad place with that I have switched off my feelings for him.
And yet in every conversation he tells me we are going to be together one day, and it doesn't seem to get heard that I don't love him enough for that to ever happen. We get to the end of the conversation and I may not hear from him for another couple of months.
Then we get to the next, old relationship.... the last one.... the one I closed my blog down for.... the one that lies were told about.... the one that I was so angry and hurt that rather than post about it I destroyed prada pixie.
The one that I have spent the the last six weeks getting over. Coping with the hurt, pulling myself out of the abyss of unhappiness to move forward again. It's been tough, and I thought I'd got there.
In fact I went to stay with the friends who held me metaphorically in the bad weeks, last weekend and he was out of my system completely. Enough that I enjoyed a flirtation with a gorgeous sailor (nothing else Trix, just a fun conversation!)
I started on the journey home and he'd text me for the first time since we ended. I answered, he sent another, I answered over the next four hours as I travelled home. Then he phoned me.
Was he bored, lonely, out of his latest relationship. He seemed to be wanting contact not because it was me, as was born out of the phone call when he wanted to talk about the woman in Australia who apparently phoned him for an hour and a half a few days before. Did I need any of this..... not much.
Then he ended the call.
And I haven't heard from him since.
And where I've ended up is with another headfuck job. I didn't need this, I certainly didn't want it. I really don't want to spend my time hoping that he'll phone me anytime soon and tell me that he really does want to get back together.
I know two things, one my heart is not in agreement with my head. And it would be an absolute disaster.Not of course that he has offered anything, it's merely my imagination going into emotional overdrive and my head telling me to get a grip. And I'd sorted them out so they were working alongside each other not in opposition!!!!
Added to that I have been informed by youngest with attitude that if he ever claps eyes on him again he'll head butt him for his behaviour to me during the time we were together.
So I'm writing this as a way to get myself back on track.
I'm worth more than either of these selfish men, who think 'hey I'm lonely' or whatever and I'll give byrd a call and she'll make it better.
Go away leave me alone I don't want to play. I just have to keep telling myself that and sooner or later I will as usual totally feel and believe it!!!!!
The photgraph is of a place called Lovers Leap in Dovedale, Nicely ironic I think!