Fire Byrd

What to do with an hour to waste? I know write something here.

2012-01-27T10:17:00.000Z

Bollington on the Macclesfield canal from my walk on Saturday with Trousers

Right now I have an hour to waste.... whah, hay!!!

I could of course clean the house, nah, can't do that son is on nights, so don't want to wake him vacuuming.... this excuse works like magic for two weeks, then he goes back on days and I'm scuppered!

I could spend a happy hour looking at houses for sale in Devon, but no, that is one task I keep for when it gets really bad and I need to escape into the what seems like a fantasy of moving. I have committed myself for at least another year here. And we're on the edge of another recession so that seems a dim idea at the moment anyway.

I could go out for another walk, but already done a brisk mile at the start of the day with the dog. And walked 13 miles on Wednesday and 9 last Saturday, so feel that's up to date on being fit.

I could go and eat some more food, no no no! Had a bowl of boring cereal with dried fruit already. Will be going out for lunch to catch up with a mate I hadn't seen for 10 years. There I was walking in the snow the weekend before Christmas through town when I noticed this woman staring at me. I looked back, I screamed her name out and there we were enveloped in a huge hug. She now works in my town running an antique place. Anyone who knows where I live knows it's awash with antiques places, we are famous for it. Anyway last time we saw each other I went to her second wedding in Surrey and was due to have my famous five week second marriage later in the year. So there is a lot to be said later!!!!

Then I think I'm going to treat myself to a nap,before weather permitting ( snow is supposed to be on the way.... uuurrgghh!!!) going to Ashbourne for supper with another friend.

And since Chinese New Year I've started to do what I couldn't even think about at our New Year and that is to lesson my food intake. I do really need to lose 14lbs, the rolls of fat are getting on my nerves. And I WILL NOT go up a clothes size. And so I make my clothes do up and suck my stomach in, but the muffin top keeps escaping. The plan is to make reasonable adjustments to what I eat, but if I want fries I'm having them just not many. And I want to have achieved this miraculous change by my birthday in April.

Thank goodness that my winter dresses are all Empire line and hide a multitude of sins!!!

What this does mean though is to stave off the hunger pangs during daylight hours I'll drink more coffee.So make that a skinny decaff with sweetener please! That is until I pop and visit my uncle, who knows I adore cream in my coffee and buys some in especially for me. Now how could I disappoint my 86yr old uncle making that effort for me. Just as well I only see him at his house once a week.

Ah well it's the weekend tomorrow and that means the best breakfasts of the week, fresh fruit, pineapple this weekend, warmed croissant, cold meat, and a whole pot of coffee to entertain myself with for several hours.
Then there is the excitement of choosing to read a book or pick up my knitting. Have a beautiful back done of a rather nice cardigan, just got to pick up the needles and cast on some stitches to do the rest.Or if those distractions don't prove tempting enough there is a chapter to write on minfulness, if only I could spend some time there rather than escaping into my head!!!!

I hope however your weekend is you enjoy it.

life is a walk in the park!

2012-01-18T22:02:00.002Z

What big feet Coots have!

Early morning misty reflection

Clever addition of someone's chewing gum to a broken log

Conversing about life and the universe, perhaps?

Swan in flight above my head

Reflections on the ice

Just hopping around

Good morning, pleased to meet you

Goosy, goosy gander whither do you wander

What?

2012-01-08T22:31:00.002Z

That's it, its official I am a grumpy old woman!

There was I minding my own business in my house, passing by the television that youngest and his girlfriend were watching Comedy Central, when I heard it.

Now I know the world is rushing past, there is no time for anything,everything has to be short cut.

But I ask you.....

" The next programme will be another EP of Friends......"

EP????

How much of a nano second would it have cost to say episode?

EP????

AAAARRRGGGGHHH!

Let me out of here.

winter light

2012-01-06T16:37:00.000Z

Just a sample of the light I've been waking up to recently. They're a bit wonky as I take them from lying in my bed after grabbing my cell phone.

I've been finally doing some work/thinking on my book. Today I was supposed to be writing out another chapter. But in the way of these things I've had other things to do. Like write letters asking if anyone else wants to pay me to do some training, which seemed a fairly practical thing to do.

I know I'm putting off the book thing.I think I've only got one more huge chapter to write, and that will be on mindfulness. There are some techniques to write up on exercises to do to feel better, which won't take long. Then there is the stuff I'm thinking about. The bits of the book that are going to hold the chapters together and this is where I'm a bit stuck,cause I'm not sure where to go. I have two choices. The first is to use the poems I've written over the years between chapters, which will be okay if I can find the right words to connect to the right chapter. Or the idea I'm slightly favouring is to start writing autobiographical notes about myself.

The aim of this would be to try and put them in so as I can seamlessly move into the next chapter as I'm sure I've got enough to say about my own journey that would be relevant to the self help chapter.

I even know the first one... the one in which I write about when I first discovered I had a gift for helping people when I was 17.

But what is daunting is there are so many words written and kept in places on this computer and I don't seem to have the eyes to see them in connection with one another without actually having the bits of paper to put together in order. And here lies the problem ( well apart from the final push to write stuff!!) I need an industrial size printer to get this lot out, my little home printer would probably implode in the effort of doing so much work.

It all at the moment feels disjointed. Any work I've done of a similar size to this, like a dissertation or case study, has always been on real paper. Of course there may be a way to do this on the computer, but I don't know how.

So if any of you have any advice on either which of the two choices I use to hang it all together or how to allow me to shuffle paper inside a computer then I would love to hear from you.

In the meantime I will give myself time to write up the stuff I know needs writing and wait for divine inspiration on the difficulties!

Is it a HAPPY NEW YEAR?

2012-01-01T15:43:00.001Z

To think I almost called it a day on blogging a few months back.... If I had, I couldn't come here now and let go of the stuff inside me.

As so many of you know I love Christmas with a grand passion, mainly cause I suspend belief in being a grown up and get off on the whole fairy tale element of the season. I don't take any notice of the adverts from September extolling the virtues of Christmas, except perhaps to get really mad that it gets earlier and earlier each year. But even that is understandable, we are all collectively in hard times, unless were bankers! And everyone has to make a living. I ignore the foul Christmas 'muzac' in the shops and the attempts to entice me into spending more. I just don't need them I can create my own magic in just looking forward to giving to people I love, whether in the form of presents or even better in meals together. The whole thing is an anticipated enchantment.

All this means is, that once it's done I fall so far and so flatly back to earth, it's a wonder it doesn't cause a tsunami! My eldest son going back to London was so painful. After four days of his delightful company it was a lonely house on Wednesday. But I got over it with a lot of effort on my part to change my thinking from being downbeat into moving forward. My thinking is always helped my looking outwards, I do not know what I would do without garden birds to stare at frankly.

So Friday dawned with a need to finally open my self help book and write something, alongside writing letters to potential customers of my emotional wellbeing training. So I felt I'd had a productive day, and given myself a new and unknown future.

Saturday, bizarrely I woke up thinking I had to clean my stove, a very rare thought indeed. But a thought that enabled me to actually do the task, so I could at least claim I clean my cooker every year!!!!. That alongside taking my youngest to the train station with his girlfriend for him to go to London to spend the new year with his bro filled the morning. Then my walking pals demanded I came out for a walk into town and back, which was lovely.

Then I came home and shut the door.... and then it started to get difficult. New Year for me is something to be avoided like the plague, if I'm with others I tend to get very drunk and behave badly. I prefer to spend it on my own. Although if I was really given a choice I'd spend it with someone I love, but that can only happen when there is someone fulfilling that position. One that has now been vacant for several years.

I got through New Year's Eve, I had it planned, a couple of glasses of real champagne, a beautifully cooked meal and an escapist movie and bed by 10pm. Even that meant I couldn't sleep and got so fed up, put the light back on till the witching hour to read, turned it off to listen to the fireworks, give greetings to the dog and got to sleep.

But today has been absolutely fucking awful, I have felt so alone. I've texted everyone I can. I can in a while phone up a couple of mates, which will be fine, and there is some fantastic Sherlock Holmes to watch on the box. So I know the evening will be fine.

Getting through the isolation of the day has been tough, I've channel hoped on the radio, too damned cheerful by far. I've listened to CDs, all sodding love songs. I've cooked myself a healthy lunch and had two more glasses of champagne. As soon as here is done I'll take Trix out for a walk in the rain and then although it's early I can start my evening.

I am so lucky not to hook into this frightful alone pain too often. I really feel for people who are lonely long term, it just sucks as an emotion. I am so privileged that I know so much about psychology that even when I'm going through the bad stuff ,I also know it will pass and I will with a bit of effort push the bad stuff right out the door where it belongs.

I feel for all the people who have been and are alone on this 'coupley' time, it's not a good time to be alone. But hey the day has nearly done, and tomorrow like they say, is another day.

So I wish everyone who has experienced feelings of aloneness in a bad way last night and today a big enveloping hug of warmth from one human being to another. Just Valentine's Day to get through now and we'll all be on the home run!!!!!!

Picture is of my birthday with me and my beloved sons around for the day

mean moody menopause!

2011-12-30T14:53:00.005Z

The article below is my latest one from my self help book... hurrah I'm writing it again. It's a bit of a long read. But if it's relevant to you it might be helpful

This is for women of a certain age.

The age of knowing you're getting older, but still feeling young inside. The place where your body conspires against you to start making you aware of the passing of time. In other words, the dreaded menopause.

So we all know without doubt that we are going to suffer endless hot flushes, were going to dry up like old prunes and that we are going to be past any useful life...... Right!

Er, no actually.

Of course the first two of those things may happen. Some women will have full blown horrid flushes, others at the other end of the spectrum may perspire gently. There is no way of knowing what your lot is going to be.

But I'm not really writing this about the physical manifestations of the menopause, more, I want to write about the emotional stuff we go through, cause till it happened to me I didn't know half the stuff that I was going to feel which came along to bite me on the butt.

However before discussing what we go through at the end of our reproductive lives, we need to look at what happened in puberty....

I know it's a long time ago, but stick with it here.

There we were toddling along happily in our childhoods playing with our teddies and dolls. Enjoying being with our parents, being happy with our lot in life. When seemingly out of the blue, suddenly overnight we are turned into aliens from another planet.

I mean, what did our parents know about anything anymore? Who were those wondrous creatures called boys, why would we want to play with childish things, when we could have crushes on our latest pin ups? Why was suddenly that song SO IMPORTANT, that we had to listen to it over and over again as we felt the world was against us? And then just as suddenly we felt like small children again when there was nothing better than a hug from Mum or Dad. Till the next wave of hormones kicked in and the whole emotional cycle started again.

We as the adolescent girls weren't really aware of these patterns, it was just everyone else around us who were pulling their hair out at our behaviour. Which for any of you who have had daughters will be able to identify with.

What tended to get focused on coming to terms with our monthly bleed and any subsequent pain associated with that time. Everyone around us just tried to keep their heads down the week before when we were pre-menstrual!

And this is true of the menopause, the focus is on the physical again; the flushes, dryness, the wrinkles. If as much money was spent on helping women deal with the emotional fallout of the menopause, as there is on face creams the world would be a lot easier for women going through it!

So many women come to see me feeling they are going mad at this time. They don't understand why their emotional behaviour is so out of control, why they are so angry, why they are so forgetful, why they are so lonely, and most of all, why they are filled with so much self hate.

And until women reach this stage and go through it, it remains a huge secret. Possibly because most GPs are male or young women, so they either won't or haven't gone through it, and they only know about what the literature says, the physical symptoms and not about the emotional stuff.

I admit before I'd gone through it, I wouldn't as a therapist have had any idea that the collection of symptoms a women might bring to counselling could as simply be explained as the menopause. I would, and no doubt did, make a lot of heavy weather about what was going on for them.

Nowadays before I pronounce about some long hiding childhood issue being the cause of the current misery I will check the woman's menstrual history against her age. Obviously I won't use this with all female clients as that would be unprofessional, if there are, of course, other issues that need addressing.

But if the woman reports any of the above symptoms I always take great pleasure in letting them know they are not going mad, but that their bodies are just doing what they first did at the start of their reproductive life. But that they probably weren't aware then to the same extent that they are now aware of their feelings. As the world then was such an exciting place, that they probably hadn't had much time for introspection in the way that they are having now towards the end of the reproductive cycle.

And this is also easily explained, young women are on the cusp of their future,life flows in front of of them in an unknown stream. They have expectations of their futures and dreams of what they will become. Menopausal women, are generally frightened of the future, of feeling useless without their kids to care for, or the difficulty of getting to know their partners without the excuse of the children being the only thing to talk about. Of a future when only old age beckons and regrets of missed opportunities are more frequent than dreams of the future.

So this is much more a time of introspection than youth could ever be. And women being women take it out on themselves, rather on people around them, so get hooked into it being their fault.
And what we women need to learn is that it like puberty is just a stage we are going through, and as such has an ending. That the ending is only the end of the menopause, not of life, and that what follows is likely to be one of the best times of their lives.

It is a time women start to give to themselves emotionally. To allow themselves to have needs and to decide that those needs are as important as anyone elses needs and to therefore look after themselves.

Women are traditionally selfless in their care of others and the great thing I think about being post menopausal is learning that actually MYself matters, and that can be the outcome of getting to be a wise old crone. Rather than hooking into being a failure because we don't look (or hopefully act) like 18 year olds anymore. And that old age should be prized as a place of independence and joy in the simple things of life itself.

And once we as women know this about ourselves, and that the stage has just got to be got through, and if it can be accepted as just a stage, then a lot of the anxiety attached to that feeling of madness or self hate or whatever can fall away. And it can be hopefully seen as the start of the next adventure in life rather than the end of a women's useful life.

Winter Wonderland.

2011-12-16T15:06:00.000Z

The snow started at 7am this morning and hasn't stopped since. This has meant that apart from a quick dash to the shops first thing that I have stayed snug indoors, making soup and sandwiches for guests stopping off en route between Devon and Liverpool. So freshly made cream of mushroom and a roasted red pepper soup awaited them.. They weren't able to stay as long as they would have liked as the snow showed no sign of stopping and they wanted to reach their destination before dark. I'm now left feeling a bit flat with nothing to do but admire the snow..... right that will be it then! I hate snow. I admit it looks pretty today but it gets in my way. As by tonight it will have turned the roads to ice, the pavements to skid tracks, and my temper to frazzled! I should be serious walking tomorrow followed by a pub lunch, but this is looking seriously unlikely at the moment. Which means that I'll just have to stay home and make more soup. Of course if life gets too desperate I could always clean my cooker , a job that has been on the 'to do' list for some time now. Gawd I think going out in the snow if preferable to that......
Hope you enjoy my snow pictures to get you into the festive mood. I particularly like the snow dog wearing her festive tinsel!
Have a wonderful Christmas and may all your hopes and dreams come true next year.

21st ,22nd & 24th November are just rocks to climb.

2011-11-24T15:56:00.000Z

It is such a sad time for me this week. Every year I have three foul anniversaries all falling in the same week. But this time for the first time they all fell on the day that they first occured.

Added to that I've got a whole lot of jobs that need doing, that if there was a bloke around would get fixed, like the thermostat in the shower, the outside security light. Nothing that can't be fixed, just needs me to throw money at them.

Work is very demanding, but nothing new there, and trying so hard to get this new work off the ground is very slow. It feels like crawling backwards up a hill.

So all in all I'm pretty fed up. To begin with though at the start of the week I hadn't connected all the dots up and hadn't figured out why I was just so sad and overwhelmed.

It was a client on Monday who inadvertently sparked me off. For various reasons pertaining to her I shared that I had been a single parent for a long time.

This got me thinking that I've come a long way with many bumps along the way.

So Monday was the 6th anniversary of my having my first of three operations for breast cancer. Can't remember the dates of the other ones, all I know now is that in the next eight weeks I would have had three ops and a mastectomy. I vividly recall that first morning of going into hospital accompanied by my little sister. I can see the scenes played out in my head, but no longer want to write them down. It is enough to know they are there.

On Tuesday I celebrated (!!!!) 17 years since my husband walked out on me. Suffice to say it wasn't ever something I'd expected or wanted. I got no notice that there was anything wrong with my marriage. My husband was in the Merchant Navy and had been away for 6 months on a course to become a Mississippi River boat pilot. He had met someone over in Georgia who made him feel special. So coming back to me and the boys on leave that should have been for three months and was actually one day, before he ran back to the US was just a bit of a shock to our lives to say the least! My wonderful sons were 9 and 3.5 and I have looked after them alone ever since.

My ex husband divorced me in a very acrimonious way making me suffer as much as possible. And since that one day home has seen his sons ONCE for 4 hours in 17 years. He has never sent them a Birthday or Christmas card or kept in touch with them . He owes me $100,000 in unpaid child support. I did take him to court in Georgia but he'd moved to California so didn't have to take any notice of the judge's ruling about paying me back..... Hey ho

And then today, Thursday, is the 25th anniversary of my beloved Mother's death from a frightful six month battle with cancer. I still miss her.

I miss my Dad who's anniversary of his death was early October.

Frankly at times like this it does feel like my life sucks. You know usually I more than happy being on my own. But right now this week it feels like I don't know what I did wrong to have had to do all this on my own.

But then I'll give myself a shake and say, yes you did it all, being a single mum, doing your psychotherapy training, coping with your sons teenage years, not easy in relation to the youngest! I did get over my own cancer and cope with the boys through that time. I did get to a place where I no longer see myself as stupid. I am assertive. I do own my own house drive a sports car, have many many wonderful friends in far flung places. And do you know what I'm bloody lucky.

So come on misery come and get me today, cause I sure as hell won't have time for you tomorrow as I'm going to London to stay with big son for the weekend and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Dartmoor, Godrevy,Japanese garden, Brixham and Carbis Bay... my hols

2011-10-29T21:26:00.000+01:00

My walk alone in the October sunshine

2011-10-16T10:13:00.000+01:00

Enlarge this pic the detailed work in the cobweb is astonishing

Little ruined house in the woods, like something in a fairy story now lived in by nature

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day with a nip in the air so jumper and scarf required. I didn't know what to do with myself. It was too lovely to stay indoors and I'm a little uncertain about walking alone. But the call of the day lured me out, so armed with my binoculars and camera I went to a place I've been meaning to go for ages. It's the only RSPB site locally to me and as a member of the RSPB I should go and check out the birds there! It's also I'd heard quite small so not really suitable for a Wednesday walk.

I've been very fed up the last few days for various reasons, the anniversary of my Dad's death last weekend. My youngest son being ill with a virus, which has meant that he has been beyond grumpy, and therefore taking it out on everyone around him, especially me. Not getting anywhere about my results, my thyroid level is 16 which the nurse said was withing normal limits ie 9-19, however my sister informed me that is the level if you're not on Thyroxine then the level is 15-25 so I am low which is what I've thought all along. So now I'll have to wait till I come back from my hols and go and have another talk to a doc. Not something I like doing, which is ironic when you consider I spend my life professionally telling the docs what for about their patients! Plus my workload at the surgeries at the moment is emotionally overloaded to a really tough level. The work I am trying to set up won't really happen till after Christmas now, so no extra money coming in. And on and on and on..... And for two pins I could cry my eyes out.

Instead yesterday I took myself on that walk. It is a small nature reserve only about three/four miles in total to walk round. I took my time and did a lot of stopping and staring and listening. The woods made so much noise, with babbling brooks, bird song, acorns falling to the ground and not a soul around. It was a most uplifting experience.

I came home knowing my sister was popping in for a cuppa, so I made some scones and rushed down to the shops to pick up some Cornish clotted cream, to go with the jam and scones.

So a lovely end to an unexpected day.

It helped for a while but the misery has returned now. But I'm holding on as off to Devon later in the week followed by Cornwall again so will get to be with three different lots of friends for just over a week.
That will help.

A saga of our times

2011-10-12T09:00:00.006+01:00

I cannot begin to describe how exciting having a new working fridge freezer is.....

I know, I hear you going, what a sad life, if that's what's exciting. But bear with me, I've had a trying week.

I have a wonderful fitted kitchen, oak work units and granite tops, dark green Spanish tiles on the walls and pale quarry tiles on the floor. I had it put in about 7 years ago. I went for the best I could afford for two reasons, one it will make it easier to sell and two I love cooking. So I reasoned until I come to sell up I will benefit from a cooks kitchen. Part of this grand design then, was to have all the units hidden behind wooden doors. No ugly white goods showing for me.

A sound decision until something breaks down.....

The fridge part of the fridge freezer bust. Took me a while to work it out, kept thinking that the shops had been selling me rotten food!
But eventually even I couldn't actually deny that two lots of bad meat, a sour carton of milk and a fermenting orange juice was all a bit much from one shop two days before.
I know I was dim, but hey....

So this meant what turned out to be a very expensive afternoon at the shops, as buying boring new FF which could be integrated into my work units was limited to, expensive or even more expensive.

Gawd if I had a spare £460 in life buying kitchen appliances would never be at the top of my wish list for sure. But there I was the new owner of a FF to be fitted in 10 days time
10 DAYS!!!!! What the......
Fortunately I did have a very old fridge out in the garage with a broken seal but that was better than nothing.

Next installment....

RAIN for days and more RAIN and did I mention RAIN. Well we needed it, everywhere except the inside of my car! I have had this wretched leak investigated by the whole world of garage people seemingly. I've had three replacement windscreens, all to no avail the car still leaks in an unknown way. So on RAINY days in the foot-well of the passengers side there is a small and beautifully formed swimming pool for any small creature who takes up residence in my car.

SOOOO.....

The car needed to be put in the garage, perfectly reasonable thing to do.....

But my garage is incredibly small, my car is quite long, there is a six inch gap in front of the garage shelf and a three inch gap at the back to shut the door. It's a tight squeeze, and don't let me even get started on the performance of climbing out of the car with the width of the sides.

Part 3....

The food is in the garage fridge, the car is in the garage, it's still bloody RAINING. The door to the side of the garage is swollen so a brick is holding it shut, the back door to the kitchen is a few feet away at the end of a path that is covered with climbing plants that overhang it.....

Are you beginning to get the picture.....

So I want some milk, or cheese or bread or dog food or anything else that is now lurking in the depths of the old fridge. Now you can come on the journey with me... Are you prepared, this is going to test us all.

Out of the kitchen door under the dripping plants and torrential drizzle, kick the brick away open the door, climb over the front of the car, (as fridge door opens wrong way) get into 6 inch gap on far side, open fridge door 6 inches, grovel blindly in the dark, switch for the light is other end of the garage, not worth fighting to get to it, we only want milk, get what you hope is milk, slam the fridge door and kick it at the bottom so seal works, climb back over car bonnet, out of the door, kick the brick back, rush back into the house, look at what your holding and it's the sodding juice carton..... guess what......
By day ten of this, I have reasonably in my opinion lost the will to live and am thinking that anorexia is looking like a great option. The RAIN, by the way still hasn't stopped.

And on Saturday these two burly chaps arrive and in one hour make life worth living again.... I have a new and sparkling working fridge freezer, with a wine rack, Oh yes! Unpacking the shopping was never so much fun on Saturday afternoon

Simple pleasures, simple pleasures, even if I am now beyond broke for the rest of this month and will have anorexia by default as spent all my money on the F...ingFF!!!!!

cobwebs and nasturtiums

2011-10-09T10:22:00.001+01:00

Wednesday walk

2011-09-30T08:50:00.001+01:00

Yesterdays walk was a hard slog of 11.8 miles. We're in the middle of a heatwave here so it was tough for that reason. We've got to the time of year when suntan lotion is a thing of the past, although I had sensibly put some on my face. We walked through a place called Down's Bank and along the canal into Stone and back again, so starting and finishing with a hill. In the woods came across all these amazing toadstools and I think it was only that our human footsteps make so much noise that we missed seeing the elves and pixies that live in them......Very Enid Blyton!

The bloke from the smoke

2011-09-25T12:19:00.003+01:00

This was the third and I think last time
The required CPD for the year
I go in faith to hear the words
I listen to these great and important men
But at what cost to me

No more going to listen to men who destroy
They come up from the smoke
with their egos shinning
Their trying so hard cutting edge look
that's just sad attached to a beer belly

You get asked to participate
I can do that and without fail they don't get me
Yesterday I was told I floored him
and then told the wrong tale
well sod you mister

The younger me would have gone home
cried and felt I was wrong
But no more nice me at others expense
I'm okay and clever too
so when you said sorry in front of all
I wished I'd thought of the quick quip

But it doesn't matter as you didn't touch me
Cause I'm now an adult who knows her own worth
And if that's what it takes to help me know me
Then job well done you in your precious name dropping
and conceited self love.

My weekend

2011-09-13T16:41:00.000+01:00

I went to the sea.....
Drove to Anglesey on Friday with the roof down in warm sunshine.
Got to the log cabin, sorted myself out and went for a walk down to the local beach 1 mile away (first two pics)
Back up the hill to cook a supper of steak, salad and champagne!
Saturday the storm had arrived, the start of what we got of Hurricane Katia.. So windy, with showers and sunshine. Parked up and knew that if the tide was out well enough I could do a mile or so walk along the beach of Red Wharf Bay to a wonderful pub, called the Ship Inn. The tide wasn't out far enough so I had to scramble over big wet rocks covered in seaweed, not awfully sensible by myself, but hey!
Got to the pub, unpacked the newspaper from my rucksack. Ordered a fresh crab salad and a glass of wine and entertained myself with all three for a while. By the time I set back off the tide was out and instead of rocks I had storm clouds chasing me.
Back at the cabin an afternoon nap seemed the perfect thing to do in the howling rain, followed by the rest of the champagne and a vegetable curry.
So whilst there read one and a half books, knitted and watched two movies.
Came back after tidying up ready for my eldest son's visit this weekend and came home.
A perfect weekend of peace and tranquility.
Only trouble is I'm feeling ill again, can't shake off this virus. Which I'm sure is to do with my thyroid levels being shot to bits. Don't get a blood test till 3rd October so gotta bumble along till then being exhausted.
Hey ho, only one dance class I think for me tonight then!

Birds Birds everywhere!

2011-09-09T08:56:00.004+01:00

An English Robin

A nuthatch in the rain through my conservatory window

A dog referred to as Birdie and me in the garden

A Chaffinch singing it's heart out

Guillimots on South Stack, Anglesea

A few more Guillimots on South Stack

Went walking round Titttesworth on Wednesday and despite thinking there weren't many birds about, at the end of the walk saw a cloud of Gold Finches about 40/50 of them gathering, an amazing sight. Only to be beaten by my first ever sight of a Kingfisher as it flew up the river. Didn't get a close view just saw it's iridescent turquoise back flying past beneath me in the bird hide. Only to be further beaten by a Buzzard sitting on a post in the pouring rain flapping it's wings as if it was in a shower. It stayed there for a about three minutes. Could even see it's bright yellow feet and beak and watch it blinking through my binoculars. Great end to a walk.
So now off to Anglesea for a weekend of solitude, reading, knitting and walking. And no doubt a bit of bird watching.
Forgot to tell you that when I was in Yarner woods in Devon two weekends ago I saw two deer. A rare sight in England in the wild. I was so excited and felt really lucky.

House in the Country????

2011-09-01T17:43:00.001+01:00

A des res in deepest Devon! It's actually a housing for a well

A sky of wonder promising wonderful weather, and it poured down instead!

Reflections on the River Bovey

Beautiful flowers in my friend's garden

Beautiful fungus on a very wet walk in Yarner Woods at the base of Dartmoor

Sometimes, although nature is wonderful and fills me with joy it doesn't always work in soothing my soul.
And today was one of those days. I needed to look at clothes,get a coffee, speak to people, get dressed up and put makeup on. And not just cause it was a work day.
So short T shirt dress, black leggings and wedge heel shoes, full make up, hair sorted, roof down in the car and I was ready to rock and roll.
Off I went to my favourite shop in the world, a very large M&S near Manchester. First stop coffee shop, and sat outside in the sunshine drinking a mocha and eating a scone and butter, whilst I worked out why I was there.
I realised that at the moment, a lot of my friends and family are leaning on me heavily. And although I am always more than happy to be there for people I care about, it does drain me. There is almost a finite number of troubles I can listen to without doing something for myself. But at the moment there is a lot of worry and pain about. I would never not be there for people around me, so to deal with that inside myself I have to reward me.
There is no-one around me who'll tell me what a good girl I'm being, or give me a strong hug and look after me. Now I am fine with that, my ratio is 80% - 20% of being happy alone. But I know for to to maintain this balance that I must look after me.
Of course the rewards come in many lovely ways, most of which don't cost more than a tank of petrol when I go and see friends, or go dancing or walking. But there other times when I know that I'm exhausting my reservoir and therefore need a little extra.
So once I understood what I was doing at that wonderful shop I went with a clear mind and bought a winter coat in soft pink wool and cashmere. And boy do I feel happy now!
Of course for days here in England the weather has been foul, unseasonally cold and wet. But today the weather has been astounding, clear blue skies and warm sunshine and it is a completely mad to day to buy a coat.
I will not wish the sunshine away, I'll just hang this lovely coat up in the wardrobe and look forward to that chill happening that I can sashy down the street feeling good sometime soon!

Mindfulness and bird watching

2011-08-26T10:59:00.005+01:00

On bird watch duty whilst eating a stick!

One of the many sparrows that live in the rose trellis

The baby woodpecker who appeared one Sunday at the end of sitting waiting for six hours to try and get a good photo. ( inbetween reading a book in the sunshine I hasten to add!)

A young robin before his breast turns bright red.

My garden isn't very big. At the front there is a small lawn with a 7ft hedge around it then the road and then 10 acres of school grounds. Which although Trix and I believe to be part of our garden isn't really ours, well at least when the students are there, but when they're not there then....

At the back I have a small patio with three steps up to another small lawn and that is surrounded by trees and shrubs. To the side I have a path which is separated from the lawn by a trellis which is completely covered in climbing roses, clematis, honeysuckle, jasmine and wild sweet peas. It is a bird sanctuary! And currently there are at least 20 sparrows hanging out in it.

At the end of the garden is a large purple buddlia tree, which this morning has been accommodating numerous blue tits, coal tits and amazingly two nuthatches. On the other side is a red elder flower tree and in there is a blackbird or two and a couple of robins.At the house edge of the lawn is my bird feeder and a lavender plant on either side of the steps. Below the lavender is my conservatory window. And I sit here for ages watching the comings and goings of the birds, mainly when I'm eating my breakfast.

I have only seriously been into bird watching for the last year. Although it really started the winter I was sick nearly 6 years ago and staring out of the windows in that endless winter watching who stopped by to feed off the bird table was one of the few moments of tranquility in the middle of that dark time.

I digress though, this last year it has become a grand passion. I go proper bird watching, I have the books to check out what I've seen, I have a really good pair of binoculars and off I go, whether to Anglesea or Tittesworth down the road, I'm to be found in a bird hide.

This summer is the first that I have fed the birds throughout the year. Mainly cause the parent sparrows in the trellis seemed worn to a frazzle by having to search for food for their squawking young. I've seen birds who shouldn't be in my back garden come to feed, as in the young woodpecker in the photo, the nuthatches who are here today, they are woodland birds, the crows hanging off the bird feeder getting morsels of fat ball to feed their demanding young sitting on the top shrieking. There was the blackbird with it's two enormous offspring, far larger than it, which must have been cuckoos that the blackbird was attempting to satisfy, when they stood next to the food itself and demanded that the blackbird make the effort to pick up seeds and feed them. The jay put in an appearance one day,again another woodland bird. Admittedly I live very close to woodland, as in across the road, but it is unusual for some of these birds to make the journey over the roof top into a small suburban garden.

So what has all this got to do with mindfulness, well it's an amazing way to stay in the moment. When I am transfixed by the goings on in my garden I cannot think of anything else, as it's happening right now right here.
Which means I can keep the lid on thinking of the wonderful house and village I've discovered that I would love to live in, in Devon. The house is one minute from the sea, it is wonderful. And I can't get there.

Why? Cause I've finally got the new work I've been after, confirmed this week to start asap. I don't know how big this will be, at the moment I've got a pilot scheme involving two schools and hopefully three. Then there is the rest of the town to take on and then who knows....

This means I'm committed to here for a while, which of course is fantastic, but seeing this place in Devon has re awoken the sleeping giant that I worked so hard to make go to sleep last year, the desire to be somewhere near the sea and not here.

Hey ho, what will be will be. What is certain is I can only live in the moment so birds working at living is so good for keeping me alive in the here and now.So that I can only do what they need, and keep topping up the feeders so that I continue to get pleasure and stay in the moment, as of course do they!

Light on the water, castles by the sea and a boat I'd like!

2011-08-24T09:30:00.002+01:00

Sunday Morning

2011-08-14T11:20:00.000+01:00

I need to see the sea

2011-07-31T09:54:00.000+01:00

Hot city, cool flowers

2011-07-25T19:27:00.002+01:00

The porch is calling! Be there for a while, see you soon

2011-07-08T07:45:00.000+01:00

Old and new industrial heritage

2011-07-01T08:09:00.000+01:00

A mummy swan and midsummer rain

2011-06-22T20:57:00.001+01:00

2011-06-22T08:28:00.003+01:00

Fuschias, roses and peonies from my garden

2011-06-17T09:32:00.001+01:00

The words have gone the picture remains

2011-06-15T10:19:00.002+01:00

Wild Sweet Peas

No more words

2011-06-11T10:16:00.003+01:00

I feel the time has come to say goodbye.
I'm all written out
There are no more words.
There are plenty of feelings,
The love of the people I've met, some here alone, some only by email
And a few treasured real encounters that have led to seriously good friendships.
This may be a temperory stop or a full stop .
I may just put photos up here
I don't know
So here will stay till I make that decision.
I know I don't have time to get to see other people's blogs and I feel bad about that.
I can't even tell you how I've run out of time, but I have.
Probably I knew it was time to halt last week.
Some horrid event happened to me which made me feel very stressed and unhappy.
And in the past I would have run here and poured my heart out till I felt better. I would have written up the theraputic journey I'd been on to help others when they encounter stress.
But I couldn't be bothered, I felt bad, I worked on myself, I found a solution and I feel better.
Here wasn't needed.
I know over the last five years I've written close to 200,000 words and I'm now currently done.
What does need writing is my therapy self help book, so that is where when the need to write moves me I'll go.
In the meantime I can be found everyday at http://byrdsbeautifulworld.blogspot.com/ as photography is my passion nowadays.
So for all those people who first passed by here.... Rob,Chris,Ellie,Vi,and many more thank you. it was a pleasure to meet you in real life.
To the people who came along later.... Kerry,Sorrow, Geli, Robyn, Paula, Nicky; the people who I consider to be the real friends I have made here, even if I've still to actually 'meet ' two of you I hope our friendship is there for a long time. So you'd better get to Philly in July Paula!!! And the UK next year Robyn!!!

And to the first person who ever commented on my blog, who started blogging two weeks before me all that time ago. The person who I risked meeting to go walking with, all those years ago.Who made me realise I could meet strangers who I'd only connected with words before, and they would be as lovely as the words had lead me to believe they were, and not mad axemen! The person who is a dear friend to me and who puts up with me pouring my heart out on our walks... I'll see you later at the birthday bash Trousers!

You all have made the last five years of my life ,when it has probably been as tough as a life could be, easier with your love and care of me. And I know I couldn't have done it without you

A walk with Sorrow in Virginia

A walk with Trousers in Macclesfield Forest

A walk with Geli in Herringdorf along the Baltic Sea

It's an age thing!

2011-05-30T16:34:00.001+01:00

It must be an age thing, as I can't remember having much or any interest before the last couple of years.

I have just spent my Sunday lunch , (I know it's Monday, but it's a bank holiday here and therefore I'm not working, and on Sunday I was in the middle of a grueling 12 mile walk) sitting in my conservatory being enthralled, by the best £26 ponds I've ever spent.

Last winter I purchased a bird feeding station. The sort of thing which has hooks to hang feeders from, a tray that seeds can be put in and a bowl for water, which didn't stand the frost. So on these hanging things I have multi seeds, peanuts and fat balls. In the winter I fill everything up every day. Now in late spring I'm trying to make those birds last two days.

My conservatory is just below the birds, in that you have to go up three steps to get to my lawn where the feeding station is situated, so when I'm sitting there I'm just out of their line of vision. On none working days I have my breakfast there, and today my 'billie no mates' lunch.

Which I have to say was delicious ( roast pork covered in blue cheese, crispy roast potatoes, cauliflower and carrots cooked al dente, with sage and onion stuffing and gravy) and the people who could have had the same left the house very enviously as I served myself, and they went off somewhere exotic like MacDonald's.... Huh!!! They didn't have lunch cause they didn't have the time, they needed to get out at 12.00, and when the pair of them were finally ready at 3pm they just looked hungry having taken so long getting their hair and make up just so.Especially my youngest son, not that he wears make up, and does have an extremely short haircut , heaven only knows what the pair of them were up to.... No not that! Cause they were both upstairs using hairdryers, aftershave, perfume, it smelt like the Kasbah upstairs in my house.And the plaintiff little remark about lunch smelling delicious and them heading out made me just smile in a particularly mean way!!

But I digress... So whilst eating my lunch I didn't have time to be lonely as I was accompanied by 8 house sparrows, a blackbird, a robin, a ring collared dove and two particularly bedraggled coaltits. Who look like birds suffering from stress, but I guess all parents look like that when faced with the demands of their young! And they were all scared off the rook who somehow manages to balance on the fat ball container and eat the fat balls. This is not normal behaviour from a rook, it's a big carrion bird, not suited to small bird feeders. But I suppose needs must, and all adult birds now are doing their best to get some food in for themselves alongside the demands of their squawking young.

Not much different to bringing up children. I can only be grateful that in the last three months since my particular youngest squawking offspring got a job, he's started to sort it himself! OH YES!!!!!! The bank of Mummy is no more. It's now pay back time, and giving him his due, he's doing it with good grace on the whole.

So now I can sit in blissful observation of the little feathered birds working all hours to bring up their young with almost a smile of complacency on my face. It's not quite set in stone yet,as I'm not daft enough to think that this new found adult behaviour won't have a relapse or two, but boy is it better than the last couple of years!

Which means I'll happily go on spending my money on bird food and getting pleasure from their antics in my garden and not worry about being the right age to enjoy them. More I'll be grateful that I'm the right age and mental state to take pleasure in such observation.

Future dilemma

2011-05-27T12:33:00.002+01:00

Isn't blogging wonderful,rather than blogger which has been somewhat trying in the last couple of weeks one way or another.

I spent hours being frustrated and trying with my very limited skills to sort out why my blog page which says I have to sign in and wouldn't then let me! And along comes Laura at Pretty Pix and sorts me out.(Her tip BTW is untick yourself off the box marked 'keep me signed in' on the sign in page, works immediately)

Where would we be without people, and no more so than last week on my hols.

It's no wonder I want to move down south to Devon or Cornwall. Two of my oldest friends live there, who I stayed with last week. One of my old school friends lives there, we reconnected a while back through Friends Reunited. And two of my 'up here' friends are moving down in the next few years. Not of course forgetting blogging chums, who I've also met in reality who live there. So I have a bigger network potentially there than I have where I live now.

The dilemma will come if my sister is successful in selling her house this year.She and her husband want to relocate to Anglesea in Wales. It's their log cabin I go where I go and stay by myself in. They want to go there, as it's as far for P to commute to work in Manchester as it is where they live already. Which is less than 10 minutes walk from me now.

My sister and I have always been extremely close. To the point as some of you know, that for ten years we lived as two families in one farmhouse and barn that we did up from almost derelict.

So do I think in the next couple of years, as I prepare to leave this town about my collection of friends and a ready made reasonably big support network, or do I want to be near my sis,only knowing her in a place that is known for being difficult to break into socially?

I would hate to be too far from my adored little sis, but on the other hand I would hate not to see my beloved friends on a more regular basis. I miss them so much.

I've only been able to see my friend in Cornwall once a year for the last three years, even though we do talk every week, and I would love to be able to be close enough to pop over for an evening instead of the six hour drive from here to see her.

Whichever way I go I know I'll end up driving!But it is a difficult call to make, whenever I have to make the choice.

To take my mind off pondering things so far away here are some more of my last week hols pics instead!

A taster of my week.

2011-05-21T22:39:00.009+01:00

One week away, two beloved friends visited, one in Devon and one in Cornwall, lots of places seen, 147 photographs taken, lots of alcohol drunk, conversations enjoyed. Now home and so to bed!

Surfing beach, St Ives, Cornwall

St Michel's Mount, Penzance, Cornwall

Trebar Gardens, Falmouth, Cornwall

Fishing Fleet, Newlyn, Cornwall

Harbour, St Ives, Cornwall

River Fowey, Fowey, Cornwall

Thatched Cottage, Cockington, Devon

Babbacombe Beach, Babbacombe, Devon

When I think of a suitable heading I'll write one!

2011-05-09T22:16:00.006+01:00

Right walk this way! But we're ducks Mildred, shouldn't we swim?

Marjorie don't bury your head when I'm talking to you!

Come on no dawdling, keep up!

Now you see me.....

.....now you don't!

The 4am Gremlins and how to beat them

2011-05-07T08:40:00.005+01:00

Thank God for my Trans Atlantic friend!

If I thought it was bad when I wrote the last post, it's got nothing on yesterday.Now I really know what my financial position is, and it is truly terrifying.

It wouldn't bother me to go into details, but I won't as I know not everyone has the same openness to the subject as me. Mind you that goes for most things in my life!Which of course is a blessing as a therapist, as no-one gets away hiding in my therapy room!

What all this means though is now having to manage my extreme anxiety. Which is what this is about. As I know by writing down what it feels like, then I can help myself to get on top of it even quicker.

Last nights blow out of anxiety was settled by a 4am, my time, call to my beloved friend, it was 11pm her time and she is always a late sleeper. And having someone to listen to you when the anxiety gremlins get you is half the battle.

I'd managed during the day to work out some financial coping strategies, which will take me through till September which is the deadline for having to have got some more work. Cause if I haven't then, then I will have to increase my mortgage to cope, not a good thought when I'm 57!

But at 4am we are all as mad as hatters,if the worry wakes you it is almost impossible to get a lid back on it. The reason for this, is night time is when we should be asleep. Our bodies and minds are in a state of slowness. Our minds don't work the same way as in the cold light of day.

Dreaming is natures filing cabinet, it is a place that our brain can make sense of the days events and the images it has encountered during the day. Dreams, I don't believe mean anything other than a signal of our levels of anxiety or depression.

I find the industry of dream interpretation a bit mad. I know that the dream I had during the night about my car being trashed, no way to get home, carrying a baby and my dog lost, just signify my fears of not coping with what I'd been worrying about earlier the previous day.

What gives me faith is knowing how powerful our minds are. So yes, it can feel overwhelmingly difficult to deal with the racing pulse,the increased level of adrenaline rushing round, the dry mouth, the feeling nauseated, the heart pounding. But I also know that these are all symptoms of stress, and if I can get my thoughts out of the mad place where they catastrophize everything, then I can get my body to settle down. And in so doing although my mind still wants to race, in getting my body on my side, so to speak, then I can quieten my mind, and then I can go back to sleep.

When this happens when I'm awake I always allow myself to cry or scream, as in so doing I give the body an outlet for that build up,which if not dealt with then allows the mind to go into overdrive.

But at night that isn't always possible as I'm too sleepy to have that sort of energy. But if I didn't have access to my friend to talk to then I would make myself cry, as it's the only way to allow your mind to move on, by letting it feel childlike and vulnerable.

Basically, what I'm saying here is that the madness of anxiety, the catastrophing of our thoughts needs to be dealt with by our physical bodies, to have any hope of moving on from. When people don't take charge by releasing the valves, the subsequent reaction is full blown undealable with anxiety or depression. And those are the people I get to work with day in and day out.

And I am sure not going to let that happen to me, otherwise what sort of therapist will I be..... certainly one who is not fit for purpose and then I won't earn any money....

Arrgghh! don't go there Mandy!

BTW should you find yourself lying in bed stuck in a thought you don't want. A thought that is bad, but not crippling, try picking up your hands and moving your fingers as if playing a piano. It works at deflecting your thoughts by increasing your brain synapses activity in using another part of your body and therefore allowing you to stop being stuck, then a solution to the thought won't be far behind. Trust me I KNOW it works!

Tiredness equals too much worry

2011-05-05T08:30:00.003+01:00

I'm tired and despondent today. I know why, I'm worrying and I'm exhausted.

The exhaustion is easy to explain I walked beyond my limit yesterday. We didn't intend to but somehow the walk ended up being TWELVE miles. This was on top of the mile I'd done first thing with the dog. I don't take the dog on these huge walks.

And when I got home from the walk I managed to run a bath and fall asleep in it.
Had to go out last night to see a friend in a wine bar. Just as well she knows me, as I yawned and groaned through our two hours together. Got home before 9pm and was in bed by 9.15 and slept really well, with the aid of a pill. As I thought I was so overtired that I'd not sleep otherwise.

This morning my body knows it worked hard yesterday but is mainly recovered, although my shoulders are aching.

Which of course could have been my rucksack or could be stress.

I'm not a real worrier, but the two things that set me off are my youngest and money. Quite often these two are directly involved!

I just about earn enough to pay my bills, but it is tight. I don't like it when I can't enjoy my life cause of things costing money I don't have. I loathe debt with a passion so won't go overdrawn, won't run up credit card bills and generally manage by ecking out little bits of money here and there.

So many times in my life I feel close to getting to the line, which every single time frightens me, as I don't know how I can cope with debt when I struggle to live on what I've got, never mind pay any more out.

There is some light at the end of various tunnels. In that hopefully fingers crossed my suggestions of what is needed will offer me some work in the Autumn, which would definitely help restore the coffers to non panic mode. I will, in three years unless the law changes get a pension from the NHS. I will one day get the rest of my Dad's estate when my hateful step mother pops her clogs (sorry if you think that sounds harsh,that is the toned down statement!)

But in the meantime this summer looks frightening. And it's my fault it does. It's cause I don't want to spend a summer without seeing my friends. So I will be finding the money to go down to Cornwall next week. I will be going to Philadelphia later in the summer.

Of course all this makes me sound ridiculous, poor little rich girl down to her last Trans Atlantic plane journey. Which of course is true. But in paying for these things I have made myself seriously anxious. Which means now I have to come to terms with my needs to see people I love,juxtaposing with the anxiety of what that means financially.

There is an argument of course for staying home and stop being so pathetic. But for me to do that is really difficult. I am incredibly lucky to have four really close friends, they live in Philly, Devon, Cornwall and Oxfordshire. I live at the other end of the country or a seriously long plane journey away from them.

I cope with my alone life by knowing that I can get to see them once in a while. To touch base with these four wonderful women keeps me sane. They have been in my life for years, two I've known for 26 years and the other two for 20 years each. So their importance to me is huge.

I will of course sort this one out in my head, because at the end of the day love is more important than money. But right now this minute it's a bit scary.

Anyone got a bag of gold they don't want?

Flowers in my garden

2011-05-01T14:46:00.007+01:00

Who? Me and my friends naughty... surely not!

2011-04-26T16:26:00.008+01:00

So there we are three adults walking calmly down the road to the patch of waste ground between the houses in the road we live in. Sneaking down the side of the electricity storage thingy. Through the barbed wire carefully, all three tripping on the same bramble as we fold ourselves in two to get between the wires!Down the deep slope, through the nettles, lucky me I've jeans on, the other two both in shorts.... oh dear!
Down to the base of the hill to be treated to the wonderful bluebell wood. The sun has come back out and glistens in patches on the bells through the dappled leaves.
There are some patches where the trees thin out and there the bluebells are a much richer blue than under the trees.Walking to the end, climbing through more wire onto the private field. Will we get caught us three naughty people all in our late 50s!
No we're lucky ,no shouting neighbour yelling at us. Back along the top of the hill, over the wire fence, heaving ourselves onto the decking and up the steps to sit down at the table in the sun catching our breathe in their garden
Couldn't have been us, we're not that daft, must have been some naughty kids, we're just sitting in the afternoon drinking tea and coffee and eating cake.....
Oooooops maybe the photos give it away!

My weekend by the sea

2011-04-20T11:19:00.014+01:00

I went away on Friday afternoon, after I'd been to the shops to buy supplies for the weekend. I have to think through every meal and take it all with me, so that included an instant curry for Saturday night, and a steak for Sunday. The obligatory bottle of real champagne was chilled in the fridge from the night before.If I'm going to spend days by myself then the real deal is essential as a treat.

And off I set, getting to my sister's log cabin about 4pm. Had a crisis not being able to open the door.... trying to open it with my friend in Philly's front door key wasn't ever going to work! But eventually panic gave way to common sense and I got in. Unpacked, made by bed, put the food in the fridge, and set off for the mile walk down to the nearest beach.

Late afternoon sunshine, with a chill in the air, but warm enough for just a fleece and Tshirt on top. Down to the waters edge and put my fingers in to check the temperature and say hello to the sea! It was cold!

Back up the hill for a well earned supper and my first book!

Saturday after a breakfast of a kipper and toast, what else by the sea? I packed my sandwiches, and rest of my rucksack and drove over to the other side of Anglesea to South Stack. One of two most favourite places on the island. I treated myself to a pair of binoculars in the RSPB shop. As the pair I've been using, belonged to my Grandfather when he was in the Home Guard in 1940! So I thought since I've got so into bird watching, I should allow myself a modern pair.

Then off onto the cliffs to look for Puffin. Initially no sighting, but I did see easily a thousand guillemot and razor bills all huddling together on the cliff face. The noise they made was incredible, such a cacophony. Got told the puffins, if they were about, where on the other side of the cliff face. So I set off down the path to South Stack itself. Stopping at many places on the way down to check for puffins. Eventually I was rewarded with the sight of a lone puffin, in amongst the few guillemots on this side of the cliff face. I was blown away, this was what I'd promised myself I'd come to find, and there it was my puffin. The binoculars had paid their way already!

Got down to the island at the bottom which was covered in very noisy herring gulls. Took many pics of the astounding views here.And when I'd got my breath back it was the long haul back up the top of the cliff.

Took the north road back, stopping off at all the little beaches I'd never seen before, and made mental notes which ones to re-visit next time. The evening had me visiting one of the best beaches near the cabin, White Sands beach. I was the only person on it, so walked the length and breadth in the cooling evening, before heading back. First book finished, curry eaten,half the champagne drunk, bed at 9.30!

Sunday was astonishingly warm for April, strappy top and suntan lotion weather!
Two walks, the first over the country park in the south west corner. A place of wild horses and sand dunes for miles and miles. With amazing views of Snowden itself, and Cearnavon Castle, capitol of North Wales on the opposite side of the straight. Probably walked about four miles here, it was very isolated and I decided that I was a bit too alone in a place that could be dangerous when the tide turned.

So to the South East corner to Penmon Lighthouse and the ruined Priory,for a coffee and large piece of chocolate cake, with cream, before eating my rather boring cheese sandwiches and walking along the beach.

Sunday evening the second book was finished and I must admit I felt a bit lonely without having spoken to anyone since Friday, there is little phone reception and no internet.So down the field, the only place I could get phone reception and a quick call to Jenny in Devon to touch base and not feel so alone.

Monday the cabin had to be cleaned and tidied to my standards, which my sister will moan about, as everything is tidied away, and she's not as obsessional as me!
Starting the drive home via the other best bit of Anglesea- the road from Beaumaris, the main town, to the Britannia bridge back into main land Wales.This road runs along the Menai Straight and the trees offer dappled views of the water with it's little islands and sailing boats.

Now back home and can't wait to go again!

Just a selection .....

2011-04-18T16:19:00.008+01:00

..... of the 100 photographs I took this weekend on my own in Anglesea. Had an amazing time,weather was fantastic, more words next time....

Beauty products and rituals

2011-04-14T11:02:00.004+01:00

I've been inspired by Janis's latest post to talk about the nonsense that I use to feel good.
I'm talking products here.
I can, if I'm going nowhere sit around with no make up. But if I think I'm seeing someone, then war paint goes on. OK that's fair enough we all need our masks to hide behind.
But do I really need to go through the rituals I use every day.
I never ever use soap on my face, haven't done since my teens, but I do use a cream cleanser that I apply with my finger tips and take off with cotton wool.Occasionally I'll use a toner, but generally that is to drying for my skin, even the really mild ones. Then I move on to the stuff I apply; first off is a tiny, tiny blob of eye cream under each eye, which is never rubbed in, it's patted in with my index fingers. Next comes a serum, this is such a wonderful product, it glides into my skin making it feel great, on top of which I put a little heavier moisturiser.
My skin then gets a break for a while, usually cause I have breakfast at this point, then it's back for more stuff!
I put on a base coat underneath my foundation it makes the foundation go on smoother and helps keep it in place longer.The foundation is painted on my face cause this gives better coverage cause my fingers natural oils mean that it doesn't stay so well. On top of this goes blusher and occasionally face powder if I'm very shiny.
My lips currently get three different products put on them, to get the lipstick to stay put for as long as possible.
And as for my eyes they get eyebrow pencil, eye pencil on my lower eyelids, sometimes eyeshadow, but I can go without that (!!!!) then always eyeliner and mascara.
Finishing with an application of the perfume of the day. There are currently six being used and it depends on the weather, what the days plans are, what I wore yesterday for that one to be figured out.
It's amazing I have time to do anything else in a day before it's time to take it all off again and apply a face oil on freshly cleansed skin before I go to bed!!!!
When I actually write it down like that it does all sound ridiculous but on the other hand I like looking after me, it makes me feel good.
I feel more confident when I have my make up on, more in control. If I get caught without make up it doesn't make me feel good unless I am safe enough with that person that I don't feel judged by them how I look.
So I understand what using all the outer stuff means; the mascara, lipstick, etc. I'm just not sure where the moisturising products come in, because I've used them since I was so young they are just part of what I do to get up and at'em in the morning.
I also know that my sister and I have inherited our grandmothers excellent skin, but even though I'm older by two years my skin is in better nick than hers cause she doesn't faff around with all the stuff I use. And that's fine it's her choice,and I like my skin better! So I guess I've answered my own question here.
What to do use?

This is what a Happy Birthday looks like

2011-04-10T17:58:00.001+01:00

This what a Happy Birthday looks like in my house over Sunday lunch!

Walking at 7.30am on my birthday, you coming?

2011-04-10T08:31:00.007+01:00

So what else is to be done at 7.30 on Birthday morning when the daft dog says it's time to get up? And the chances of shifting either son to walk the dog are as unlikely as hen's teeth!
So the sun is shining so grab your fleece cause it's still a bit chilly and come for a walk with me.

First into the back garden to see which flowers are awake and take lots of pics, but this one is the best. I love frittelary(SP???)flowers they are just so extraordinary.

Off we go across the road and down towards the wood.The leaves are the most verdant green on the trees so lets stop and take a few pics here to catch the blue sky juxtaposing with the green. Ooooh I've managed to get one of my favourite words into my birthday post!

Continuing on and a glance back shows the suns shadows on the trees at the start of the woods.

Right now onto the back field and a close up of the Roaches, some idiot set them alight last night, they were ablaze for several hours, thought to be started with petrol. Some people's mentality defies reason.

Oh look it's the daft dog herself! She's allowed off the lead on the back field cause I can see when any other person/dog appears and call her to me. She has her very squeaky ball in her mouth, which walking to the field she doesn't squeak but once on sets up a right cacophony (another good word!)for the duration of the walk off the lead

I've been waiting for the cherry blossom to appear and it has so kindly done so today for me! I was looking forward to using this camera to get a closer view of the blossom then with my old one.

BTW my other three favourite words along with juxtaposition are; recalcitrant, tinsel and fuck. I first realised this many years ago when I was running a group for agoraphobics, who interestingly all had something wrong with their feet!and I got them doing an exercise of writing down four words they liked and then we made a poem up from the words. Can't remember anyone elses words but those four were mine and I still think they are all excellent words.

It's birthday eve,eve today!!

2011-04-08T08:37:00.006+01:00

I just thought I'd show you where I spend my time. And a picture of me I've taken without any makeup as a before picture.

This weekend it's my birthday, the card has arrived Geli, thank you, and no I won't open it till Sunday!

I spend far too much time sitting at the desk in the corner, but I am surrounded by lovely things to look at. My desk has treasures on it, little things given to me by people who love me. Plus photos of my Parents, Granpa and my Sister and I as little girls.If I look up I can see the daffodils next to me,and my Mother's day roses have now moved into the dining room, as they have just passed their best. And on the coffee table is a lovely vase of yellow roses, given to me by my lovely friends I go dancing and walking with every week.

So today is relatively quiet, and it is glorious sunshine outside, so gotta get out there soon.Breakfast on the swing seat with a couple of layers on, but still possible.
Do have to go and get food though at some point. As eldest is coming up for the weekend. And has requested fish pie for supper on Saturday. And I must deliver cause I only get to eat it when people come round, as youngest despises anything that doesn't have at least three chillies in!!!

Kit will be arriving tomorrow lunch time, and then we are going to the photo shoot. The one were we have to jump about and do jolly things whilst we are snapped. Right!
Alex currently is refusing to wear anything other than a hoodie and isn't doing any pouncy stuff. Kit will only have the clothes on his back, and they will no doubt be scruffy, cause once he takes the suit off on Friday that's it till Monday. And he is so disinterested in clothes that he still wears things he had when he was 18 and he's 25 now! And I will be wanting to bounce around like Tigger on speed, changing outfits and generally getting on my sons nerves! So we should have a lovely time!

After which I will sooth Kit's nerves with his fish pie and Alex will no doubt escape to see his sane but zany girlfriend who will put up with his moaning about his sane but zany mother!!!!

And on my birthday itself I get my Uncle , my sister and her husband, plus the lads for lunch And there is almost nothing more I like more in life than making food for people and all sitting at the table sharing love and affection in conversation with one another.

So bring on being 57 cause it's shaping up to be an interesting and good year with all sorts of things to look forward to and do.

mother's day gift

2011-04-03T08:54:00.005+01:00

It is a stunningly beautiful morning.
I woke up to the crystals in my window sparkling rainbows round the room.
The sky outside was cloudless
Time to leap out of bed, get dressed,open the curtains downstairs to let all the light in.
Open the door into the conservatory, to let the sun storing up in there warm the rest of the house.
Get my lime green, knee high wellies on and get out there, across the school to the back field. Take Trix off the lead, and whilst she bounds around squeaking her ball, (Which funnily enough when she's walking to the field she doesn't squeak at all! Weird that!) I get on admiring the state of the burgeoning leaves. Another couple of days and the cherry blossom will be out. The hawthorn is already full of blossom as is the plum tree across the road.
Back home to be welcomed to Mother's Day, from the comfort of his bed I might add! No breakfast made for me, he's far too happy with his new girlfriend for that.
But I don't mind, I'm happy that he is happy.
He has owned what he has put me through in the last couple of years, and now at 20 he is in a job, has money, has a girlfriend who is as bright as he is and great fun.
And no amount of chocs or flowers could make me as happy as that.
To not have stress and worry about my youngest, now that's what I call a Mother's Day gift.

Red Roses for a wonderful and missed Mum

2011-04-01T08:32:00.004+01:00

My house is awash with flowers, if a house can be awash with flowers!
I have stocks, I bought last Friday, which although just past their best are still looking lovely in their pale lilac and pink.
There is a bunch of daffodils next to me, I bought two but one was for a friend I went to supper with on Monday.
I have another bunch of daffodils on the dining table, courtesy of the rain in the garden. I don't like picking my garden flowers but these had all got battered and needed to be seen in all their glory.
In the kitchen I have a tiny vase with battered garden tulips in.
And finally on my coffee table I have a vase of deep pink and red roses.

Now you might think all this is a bit excessive. And I would agree with you, but I couldn't let the flowers outside just die on the ground. And I needed the roses.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I always buy my mum flowers. Her grave is a couple of hours drive away and I no longer go there. But I need to have some flowers for her. So that is what the roses are for.

I don't like Mother's Day, even though I have two wonderful sons, who, if they remember will send me cards, flowers or chocs. I say that cause I know my youngest will remember, comes from my suggesting earlier in the week that he remind his brother by text not to forget!!! I'm not daft you know!

Actually that's a bit unfair on them cause I know how much they love me and it's my birthday the following Sunday and Mother's Day like Easter is very late this year. And I know that my big son is coming back for my birthday. So it's just greedy to want both remembering I think, in such a short time.

As an aside, I've won a photo shoot for me and my sons. I won the same thing 10 years ago and have a wonderful photograph of the three of us alongside the dog we had then. There are very few pictures of the three of us together. So I couldn't let this opportunity go past not to get the three of us in another picture. Hence eldest coming up for my birthday not something he'd normally do anymore.

Going back to Mother's Day, my Mum died a quarter of a century ago and I have hated Mother's Day ever since.It doesn't matter how much I get treated and shown love by Kit and Alex, I have an emptiness inside me that can never be fixed. Don't get me wrong I'm deeply happy that my sons love me as they do. And amazingly grateful that we have come through our lives together with our relationships intact. That I have been a good enough single Mum since they were 9 and 3 that we have held together through a lot of bad and good times.

So this weekend I will allow myself to be whatever feeling I have, sad, happy, lonely, joyful, whatever washes over me. That way I can appreciate my sons love for me and I can carry on loving my own Mummy inside my heart

Prevention always!

2011-03-26T09:29:00.005Z

For years now I've been passionate about emotional intelligence. Something I believe should be taught in schools from the onset. Cause how can anyone learn anything unless they feel safe and secure in themselves?

Recently in the town I live in, one side of town has been working together within all the schools, so from 4 -18 years, with joined up thinking about a whole person education.

There has also being a project launched at county level to look at children's mental health/wellbeing. One of the heads in the collaboration has been instrumental in getting education for teachers about how to; spot,deal and sign post children with difficulties in this area, from an educational perspective. So to be able to identify what teachers can and can't do, and how they seek appropriate help.

I was asked as part of this project to write a mental health policy for all of the schools in the collaboration. As part of my fact finding prior to writing, I requested that I should go and interview the six headteachers, or in the senior schools the lead teacher responsible for pastoral care.

It is thought, that we are now one of the first areas in the country to actually have a mental health policy for schools, and it has been decided that I will present it to all heads in the autumn term. I will also get to present my findings from interviewing the headteachers.

This is where I've got passionate. What I found was they don't have enough emotional support. It is by it's nature a very isolating job, it has to be, there is so much confidential information that cannot by it's content be talked about with colleagues. And depending on their relationship with the chair of governors, they may not get the emotional support they actually need. So I think there is an opening for someone to be able to offer that.

So this week, I've had a meeting with the two heads responsible for this mental health project about future sustainability of the project. I suggested that not only do heads need that extra support, but also teachers themselves need to learn about self esteem, stress management, and other areas of psychological importance. Because I believe that it has to start from the top down, not the bottom up. Children are blank canvasses and part of their security as human beings comes from the relationships they form in schools with staff there.

This will have to be sold to teachers, not as, that any one individual person actually needs it, more that if they have an understanding of how people tick psychologically then it will enable them to be better teachers. A very delicate balance needs to be achieved. As people will find this threatening if they think it is directed at them, which of course it is, but subtlety is the name of the game.

Result of this meeting it that I've been asked to deliver this, the heads support if they decide they want it, and the education of teachers about personal psychology.

OH YES!

This is what I have wanted to achieve, since I did a training day for a whole school staff about 8 years ago, and found out how much they don't know and really do need to know about personal psychology!

To begin with I will only work with staff who are interested in this area, which could be the three heads who think what I'm proposing is a great idea, or it could be a hundred staff! Time will tell. But which ever it is, if I can have an impact on the education of one child, that stops that child becoming someone who in later life has to resort to seeing a professional like me, then I'll be happy.

Preventative work is surely what should happen always, whether it's in relation to our psychology or other area of increasing worry like weight issues. It is a sad testament to British society that the average size of British women has done up to a size 16 from size 12 ( US- 12 and 8 I think) Size 16 is not healthy even if it is average. But that's a discussion for another day

An oasis in the Capitol

2011-03-23T08:10:00.005Z

If you come down from Trafalgar Square, across Pall Mall, with Admiralty Arch at one end and Buckingham Place the other you come to the best park in London... St James's Park. It is an oasis amongst all the great and famous buildings around, as in Horse Guards Parade, The Foreign Office, and The Treasury.

I love St James's it isn't huge, by say Hyde Park or Central Park standards. But it is lovely. In the middle is a huge lake full of birds,including pelicans in the summer. The little house in the photograph was built in the style of a Swiss Chalet for the park's bird keeper to live in years ago.

The flower planting in this park is wonderful, it feels more like a garden than a park, just lots and lots of flowers and trees surrounding the lake.

It is a favourite weekday lunch stop for people working in the Government depts situated around it. And at weekends it is a place for tourists to take a moment out of their hectic sightseeing itineraries.

All around it are fabulous views. My favourite is standing on the bridge in the middle of the lake and turning one way you see Buckingham Place, and the other the London Eye. And looking down the water gurgles underneath you with a constant flow of ducks and geese going about their daily business.

Horse Guards Parade

Bird Keepers Cottage (no longer used for that purpose)

A busy bird resting!

Blossom

London weekend

2011-03-20T17:37:00.013Z

I have an amazing weekend in London with my son and others.
I got there on a wet Friday afternoon, Kit had got a day off so we decided to go back to his flat and see if the rain stopped before we made plans for the afternoon.
On getting there there was no choice but to clean. Gawd boys don't have nice bathrooms! So he cleaned his bedroom ready for me to borrow and I got busy with the flash! I know that normally he's the one in his flat that does the cleaning, but recently with the budget looming he's been working really long hours to get the stuff ready for the Treasury for next Tuesday. It's budget day next Wednesday. And the two guys he lives with don't, in the way of young men seem to notice bath rings and designer stubble in the basin!

The rain stopped and the sunset out of his living room window was spectacular. We enjoyed a walk back down to his local tube to go to Angel, probably one of the best areas of London. Full of amazing shops and facilities. We met up with my niece and her very lovely new boyfriend at a lovely French restaurant called Le Mecury, it's one only lit by candles with a fabulous French menu and really cheap.Then on to a pub. So during the evening, two G&Ts half a bottle of red wine and a liqueur coffee, no wonder I was dehydrated by bed time!!!

Next day dawned with a stunning blue sky. Was waiting outside the flat for Kit to get something he'd forgotten and noticed I was standing next to this tiny flowering apple tree.. I do think that it is wonderful that even in a really urban area trees are still being planted in the streets.

The colours here had the feel of high summer, although the weather wasn't quite as then! But it was warm enough for a T shirt and cardi. So wonderful to start leaving the coat behind.

We went to enquire about going on an open top bus, but I had a fit of meanness. It was £25 for a trip. Well that's not strictly true it was £25 for a twenty four pass, but we only wanted the hour bus trip and I thought that was excessive.
It was so lovely anyway, we just started walking. We went down Pall Mall into and through St James's park, definitely a favourite of both of ours,down then into Horse Guards Parade, Whitehall, via the Treasury. Past the Cenotaph, which is much smaller than when seen on the TV. I was far more impressed with the monument to women who had died during the wars,along to the Houses of Parliament.
This picture is taken from the lawn that if you ever see news stories set near Parliament this is where they stand!

Then on to lunch. This rather dilapidated shop front is a well kept secret. It is an exact replica of how the shop looked at the turn of the twentieth century. On opening the door there is no room, just step stairs down into the vaulted ceiling cellar lit only by candles. This wine bar only sells wine with bread and cheese to mop it up. What a fantastic lunch, a plate of Camembert, goats, blue and Manchego cheese,pickles and crusty bread and a delicious red wine. No wonder I needed a sleep later, I don't normally ever drink at lunch time, but hey this was a mini break.

After lunch down to see the Thames, the tide was in and it was running fast. It does I know look filthy water, but it's clean enough nowadays for salmon to go up it to spawn in Oxfordhire. It just has a muddy bottom which is endlessly churned up by the pleasure cruisers, clippers (water buses) and police boats

Final destination for a photograph,was Somerset House,the place that used to house all the births, deaths and marriage certificates for England. Now holds the Courtald Gallery and in the winter ice is put down for a skating rink.

Going back for the much needed snooze to prepare for Billie Elliot. We set up in the gods, the theatre was jam packed even after six years of this show being on.
It was amazing, slow to start, but once it did it was just wonderful. The lad that was Billie was an utterly brilliant dancer from traditional ballet to modern hip hop moves. And when he did his long solo he bought the house done. You could see him grinning from ear to ear as we applauded and applauded. Fantastic stuff.

Sunday morning had us back in Angel meeting up with Kit's lovely girlfriend for breakfast. Again another fabulous place called the Breakfast Club. We had to queue for a while, but it was worth the wait. A pitcher of freshly made fruit smoothie, blueberries, strawberries and apple. Huge plates of American breakfast, pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausage, fried potatoes and maple syrup. So not an English way of eating, putting sweet with savoury and definitely only a taste you get after eating it over in the States.

Then time for me to go. I had a couple of hours to kill before my train, so I got off at St Pancreas Station just to see it.This is as daft as the time when I was waiting for Kit when he lived in Ealing, that I carried on sitting on the tube to the end of the line at terminal 5 at Heathrow just to see what it looked like and to keep out of the rain!

Finally Euston and the train home.

What a wonderful weekend I've had, and I've just had a text from Kit saying he thought so too. So you can't get it any better than that!

Going to the smoke

2011-03-18T08:10:00.004Z

Going to London on the train later to stay with my big son.
Meeting up with my utterly gorgeous niece for lunch. She's down from Liverpool having a job interview and staying with her boyfriend.
Then we'll all meet up and just hang out.
Tomorrow cause it's going to be a lovely warm sunny day Kit and I are going on an open top bus to see the sites. He's lived there three years now and I lived there in my 20s and neither of us have done this before. But when I was visiting my old neighbours in Oxford a couple of weeks ago we did it for fun and it's a really great way to as a place you think you know really well.
Of course I was the infuriating woman on the bus who did know that there is another Bridge of Sighs in Cambridge and the names of Henry VIIIs wives!!!
So it will be interesting to check out what I know about London!
Then Saturday night I'm going with Kit to see Billie Elliot. This is the first time I'll have been to theatre in London since I worked there and saw the fabulous Chorus Line.
The theatre tickets are my Christmas present from Kit. He started this wonderful trend when he bought me two tickets for last years birthday to go Kew Gardens to see Jools Holland, a wonderfully memorable night out.
Wonder if he'd like to do the same again and see Jamie Cullum this year??
Hope you have a lovely weekend with people you love.

Happy St Patrick's Day Mum

2011-03-17T08:46:00.003Z

The morning started as ever with a walk with Trix. She has a poorly leg so it was a slow walk and stop to sniff. And what a pleasure it was to do so. The cacophony of bird song playing out in the grey mist of morning was an absolute joy.
And now the mist is burning off and the sun is trying to break through. A good moment to remember my beloved Mum on St Patrick's Day. She was from County Tyrone in Norther Ireland. She came over to England to nurse in 1947 when she was 18.
She met and married my dad when they were both 25. They stayed happily together until her untimely death at 57 from cancer. And I miss her.
I miss her warmth and care
I miss her generosity of spirit
I miss her daft Irishness
I miss her tomato sandwiches on the rare nights Dad was out
I miss a future I couldn't have had with her of coffee and shopping together
I miss the same future where she didn't know one of my sons.
I need to get to the 1st of October and then I'll be one day older than she was when she died

I just want my own stress not anyone elses!

2011-03-12T09:20:00.006Z

As you know I have two sons, whom I adore. They make my life worth living, I've been a single parent to them for years and we are all three of us close.

The eldest lives in London and works as a civil servant training to be an accountant. Makes me wonder why he read politics at uni!
When he's there I don't worry about his comings and goings. I know he's living his life. And if there was a problem he needed my help with,or good news to share he'd phone me.

My youngest son is 20 tomorrow and lives at home, and for the first time since leaving school he's been in full time employment since last Monday. He's working for a car manufacturer and is doing spot welding, whatever that is. Although he's(and they!) on a three month probation period, he is so glad to have got a job and is so looking forward to his pay packet, as opposed to the dole that I don't think he'll jeopardise it by being stupid.

That said his first really serious relationship ended last night. It had been coming on for a couple of weeks, She'd been moody and wanting space and not answering his texts for hours. To begin with he'd just been broken hearted and this had meant long conversations into the night with me most nights during the week.

But he's not my son for nothing, so he took control on Wednesday and said he needed a decision as he couldn't go on not knowing and just hurting. This assertive behaviour worked wonders for him. He didn't want his relationship to end,but at the same time he didn't want to feel powerless any more. So he's been making plans with a mate to find a place together in the next town, half way between where they both work. My son currently has an hour commute, which is a lot on a 10 hour working day.

What I am fearful of is him now only a week into this job, being so upset that he goes off and gets drunk, with it's subsequent potential results. As you know for the last two years he has given me more cause for concern than is healthy for anyone to deal with.

So I spent last evening when he went out fretting, was he drinking,would he drive, would he get into a fight, would he be calling me from a police cell etc etc. The temptation to phone him around 11pm to find out if he was okay was nearly overwhelming. I knew if I had phoned him he's have just thought I was nagging, so I didn't. Around 11.30 he came in, been at his mates having 'a take away' and no booze, and his girlfriend had texted him to break off their relationship, neither of us were impressed with that! And he was tired after his week at work so wanted an early night.

Which means that probably I will now go back to worrying Friday and Saturday night for some time as he gets over this. I just hope his ambition to work is strong enough to make that his focus, rather than being an idiot again.

I want to stop worrying about him in this very stressful way. It's damaging to me and I've done enough of it.I want him to leave home, start in a new town afresh, and come round Sunday for lunch and his washing to be done, make new friends, open new doors. And allow me to just get on with my own stress of my life and not his.

Music what ever happened to it in my life?

2011-03-08T15:59:00.008Z

I was thinking about music the other day and how at the moment I hardly ever listen to it. I find it quite intrusive, especially if on a radio. But that could be as much to do with having to listen to the DJ droning on. I find that I prefer listening to the wonderful Radio 4 with it's talking, whether about the news or an afternoon play. And if that's not on, hearing the birdsong outside makes me feel alive.

And yet music has always been really important to me and my life is punctuated with melodies that when heard now transport me back to a far off memory. From my early childhood of Perry Como singing Magic Moments, a song I still sing when I'm driving and need to keep awake. My Mum's favourite song when I was a child was called, 'When I marry Mr Snow', I think it was either in Carousal or South Pacific and she would always be singing it when she worked around the house.

To the teenage delights of Albatross by Fleetwood Mac, one of the records that I used to set my Dansette record player on repeat and sit on my bedroom window sill with the curtains shut listening to it over and over again, hiding from any family that bothered to come in my room.

In fact 1968 was THE year for music for me.The songs from that year that are imprinted on my brain as the best songs ever. I wonder if we all have a year like that when we are on the cusp of adulthood and all the music seems to speak to us of a glowing future.

The list is long from around then, obviously the Beatles,and others like Simon and Garfunkel, the Beach Boys, Procal Harem, Amen Corner, Scott MacKenzie, Booker T and the MGs,Marvin Gaye. My tastes were always eclectic, so a mixture of popular music, along with hippy West Coast, and a huge amount of Northern Soul and Tamla.

Then music seemed to disappear for a while, the 70s were a bit lost on me musically, as actually so were the 80s come to think of it in terms of pop music. The exception was of soul and jazz the stuff of Tom Scott,Spyro Gyro,The Average White Band, Pat Metheney interspersed with Frank Sinatra and even, dare I say it a Barry Manilow album! and many many more. I have hundreds of CDs none of which I ever listen to anymore.

In fact when I get a new CD, cause I mainly listen to any music in the car, then it is played to death, never to be listened to again once I've heard it a million times. The only exception to this is Pat Metheney - 'off ramp' which is probably the best album in the world and can be heard always.

So Duffy's latest is the current CD in the car given to me at Christmas and I'm sick of it and never have the time to change the wretched CD when I get to go anywhere. So I don't listen to anything musical at all.

Perhaps I should make the effort to find something new to listen to.... any suggestions?

Contentment not happiness rules!

2011-02-28T16:21:00.003Z

Happiness is an overrated activity in my world. Being happy is always something we have in retrospect, as in: I was really happy last month. But in reality, in the here and now we can rarely say I am happy right now this minute. We are always chasing happiness, as if, when we get to the place we think it will be, then we'll find it. Which I believe to be rarely the case.

There have been moments in my life when I am working in a mindful way that I can say yes I am happy in this moment. But that feeling doesn't last, it flies in touches me, and disappears off again without so much as a by your leave!

I believe the only people who regularly happy are those who lead a contemplative life,as in monks and nuns. But I'm not sure whether they would describe their emotional state as happy.

What I do have though, which for me holds much deeper meaning is contentment, peace and joy. These feelings have some substance to them for me, in that most of the time I can capture any one of them,which in turn will lead to another.

So in therapy I don't work with people to find happy. We work together to find their inner contentment. The sort of thing where very small things make people smile and feel good. For me the list of things that do this is huge, but it's not about my list. Its getting people to stop trying to achieve the impossible and to work with what is possible.

People come into therapy chasing happy and avoiding fear. So they end up on a perpetual place of going nowhere fast. It is the job of therapy, in my book at least, to help people see that confronting fear is never ever as frightening as fear itself.

We are all born with the ability to have fear, alongside the abilities to have anger, sadness and the ability to love.These are not scary emotions to the child. If a child is upset they cry, if angry they shout, if loved they flourish with all these emotions.

Instinctively children use their emotions to survive, the new born baby smiles to get love back, as love equals food and attention. The child who has fallen over needs a magic kiss to make them better. And if they don't get love and are ill treated the child learns to be silent as a way to protect themselves.

Current research suggests that young people get happiness through excitement of waiting for something. Whilst older people get it through a feeling of peace with their worlds. And the new thinking about the treatment of depression is walking!

If we can start to take pleasure in the world around us, the joy of growing our own food, the making of good food, the pleasure of producing something we have made, a picture, a jumper, a clay pot, then contentment isn't far away.

Seeing the beauty in the world around us, it may be as small as a bright yellow dandelion poking through the cracks in an industrial landscape,if it makes us smile then we are half way there to contentment.

So even on my blackest days hearing birdsong, or pattering rain, or getting sun on my face, or getting a hug (which for me is rare on a daily basis)then these things, and many more, will make me glad to be alive and then to be able to face the onslaught of whatever the particular blackness is about.

The coffee pot,Prevarication, Making a decision and then getting on with it!

2011-02-26T12:14:00.008Z

I've sorted it! I've got the answer, it's been staring me in the face and today I've grasped it with both hands.......

And what exactly am I going on about.....

Ta Da it's my coffee machine!

Normally on a day I've sentenced myself to cleaning the house, I make a cup or two of instant coffee, for those times whilst I'm waiting to the kitchen floor to dry. Don't tell me I could be getting on with other things at that point. Staring at the floor drying is very important. It wouldn't do it if I wasn't there to oversee it, of that I'm certain.

My treat on a Saturday, and any other day I can find time to waste, is the coffee machine. Fill it up, put it on and have the first cup slowly eating my breakfast. Second cup sitting at the computer, oh and third and fourth..... By which time I'm starting to buzz.

But that wasn't today's plan. Last night I decided to get an early start and vacuum up the dog hair, polish the surfaces you can write your name in the dust (although polish might be too strong a word here, more like float around with a feather duster in my hand would be more accurate!)throw cleaner down sinks etc.

So after a very late getting up by my standards, 9am. And that's another thing I've cracked, if I don't go to bed till midnight and the dog gets to go outside just before, then she doesn't demand I get up at 7am, unlike every other night when I go upstairs at 10pm. A really good plus side of having a social life where I have to leave the house.

But that means not staying home and snoozing on the sofa, or watching crap like America's Next Top Model, or Criminal Minds. What's a girl to do?

I digress.

The coffee pot..... well it's criminal to make a delicious pot of real coffee and not enjoy each and every cup, with endless visits to the bathroom between (small potatoes that bit) it's an insult to good coffee beans. This is my excuse anyway.

So it's now 12.30 and so far in my prevarication, I've had a leisurely breakfast, I did however work very hard at emptying the dishwasher as my croissant warmed in the oven for goodness sake! I've talked at length on the phone to a girlfriend. I've read all the blogs on my blog roll and commented. I've stared out of the window at the birds in the rain. I'm writing this. And now the sun has come out..... EUREKA, it hasn't been seen for days in the grey days of February.

Now I've got another dilemma, go and stand in the sun and feel it's fragile early spring rays on my face.Or get my camera and go and photo the clumps of snowdrops and crocus in the woods opposite. Or stay in and see the dust glinting in the sunshine making me feel guilty for being a slob. Decisions, decisions.

And I've finished my pot of coffee, so have no more reason to sit. All I can see now if I lift my head up is the really filthy windows that the sunshine is revealing.

OH NO! Cleaning windows is one step to far. It takes weeks for to be able to build up to that task.

So I'm going to end this post on a real cliff hanger of what do I do next....

Bet you're sitting on the edges of your seats wondering which way I'll turn....

Or of course I could just pop back to bed, given that isn't even made yet.

Hey ho, life does offer up so many choices some days, and all of them better than bloody cleaning.

Just found a way to waste another 15 minutes, looking through all my pics finding one to illustrate this post. The joy of having so many photo files to take time wasting to new heights!

Hope your days are equally as exciting as this!

Oh yes and then publish the post and have to re-read it just in case I've left out a comma or two, three times.... AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

ENOUGH go and clean up you lazy cow!

SUNDAY PS Did the cleaning, stood in the sun, and took the photos, and didn't care about the windows!!!

Whisper in the wind

2011-02-23T17:18:00.003Z

The music played,her memory stirred
Of time gone by when she was seen
Now she was invisible to most around
She still felt like that young girl
Listening to Good Vibrations with life ahead.

Now the world didn't see her youth,
Didn't know she'd been a mum
Weren't aware of her life
Just saw her wondering past
and looked when she talked to her dog.

But to her there was still life
Wrinkles sure,sagging skin where once firm
But her brain still worked if not better than before
Her inner smile radiated from within
And the people passed and smiled right back

And when they did, the old lady disappeared
And warmth and light appeared instead
They felt better for a moment in their lives
without being able to say why
Except for a whisper in the wind

The tough climb home.

2011-02-20T10:03:00.003Z

I know I'm always banging on about my journey and how far I've come over the years. Which of course happens to us all, it's just I go on about mine more! But the other day I discovered how far I'd come in blogging terms.

I had a days holiday and decided one of my tasks, outside of cleaning the kitchen, bathroom etc, etc, was to find all the poems on my blog and put them in a separate file. Not sure what I'm going to do with them, just wanted them in one place.

Anyway this meant speed reading through page after page of my blog, I do have an awful lot to say for myself! Identifying where the poems were and then taking copying them one by one. Some of them are quite good as well!

Now I don't know how many words I've written as firebyrd, but when I closed down Prada Pixie I saved all those words, all 94,000 of them, which was just short of two years writing. It's probably about the same here as I don't write so frequently.

But oh boy, has the writing style changed, there was so much anger and a lot of bitterness in PP. I swore in most posts one way or another. My favourite swear word got used far too often. I wrote a lot of sexual stuff, stories, poems, and just general sexual stuff!

Back then topics to write about flowed out of me. I remember often thinking as soon as I'd finished one piece having the other bubbling away inside me. Nowadays finding anything new to write about is really difficult.

I don't have the anger and drive on a general basis to pour it out. Obviously when it does get tough, then I still write. But life is more settled, I am calmer. I no longer hurt in the way I did in PP. I've accepted my alone state and enjoy it. I am very wary of finding someone else to share my life with, when the place I am feels so good, back then I thought I wasn't complete without that special someone.

Those of you who've been reading for a long time know what I've been through with my youngest son. And I have learnt such a lot about myself coping with what he's been through. I have learnt that I am happy on my own in my house, which has finally after 14 years of living here turned into my home.

I do not have the urge to run away and escape every weekend, I haven't been away since last November, an unheard of thing in the past. I like my weekends, I don't even have time to pack into them all the things I want to do. So I've got really useless at emailing friends, don't have the time. Don't have time to write here, let alone have much to say, that hasn't already been said.

Blogging is responsible for a lot of things for many people. And if I'd been told it would contribute to changing my life as much as it has, then I wouldn't have believed it.So although I may not have as much to say,as regularly as in the past, this place remains so important to me in my developmental journey that I have to keep it open, even if I only pop in now and again to write.

It is a place of sanctuary when the going gets tough.
It is a place of love and generosity from fellow bloggers
It is a place I have discovered, made and kept friends
It is a place that I can pour out me and keep myself sane as a result.

Not bad for a place of just words and pictures!

The bright light is shinning all around me

2011-02-12T19:56:00.006Z

Dear Me,
The picture is of a the entrance to a tunnel 1.75miles long and I saw the light in the far off distance and I thought of you and how you feel that you will never see the light.

Here you are at 12 years old, wandering round the playground pretending it doesn't matter that you have no friends.Going down to the swing and just staying there hidden out of the way of all those vile girls playing whatever it is they are playing. You never did find out what they all did. But you did develop a life long passion for swings!

I wanted to write to you because of what's gone on for me this week. Here I was on Thursday exactly two months away from my 57th birthday and I've done something that you would never have believed as a 12 year old.

You'd lived with the 'stupid' label since you were 6 years old.You had no way of knowing that life could be different and that actually when you reach, what you would consider very old, that life is the best it has ever been.

The journey you will go on will probably, if you were to meet those horrid girls be so different from what they probably expect to go on, that your life has turned you round and round over time to reach this wonderful place that you will find yourself in.

It may seem inconceivable that what I'm saying is going to happen to you. But if I could help you to hold on to hope of a happier future then I hope you can hear the whisper in your ear.

So this is what you would hear. This Thursday I went to a meeting all afternoon with all the Headteachers and Chairs of Governors from the whole of the local area. This was described as a district conference. (I cannot say here what went on) But I can say that I,little stupid me, the child who was so lonely and so frightened most of the time, stood up in front of around 150 people and made an announcement that will change the way that education is done in the town I live in for years to come. The announcement obviously was agreed first!

But is was me that made it. And the whole room erupted when I'd finished speaking with shock, pleasure, anticipation, fear and no doubt many other emotions. And I sat back down, The conference continued, but I just sat there reeling at the power of what I'd just done. I sat there wishing I could tell my Dad what I'd done, he would be so proud of me. His little girl, he only wanted the best for and for every challenge I overcame he shared my joy, when he was able.

I would never have believed that I could ever feel so okay about who I am as a person, so accepting of myself bad bits and all, that I would have the confidence to take on a whole town.

Who would have thought it, certainly not me. So little girl hear that whisper whilst your swinging up the sky,that all will be well in more ways than you can possibly imagine. And life that hurts so much day to day will feel good, even on the tough days.

And little girl if it wasn't for you swinging it wouldn't be how it is now.You have to go through this painful time to decide later, so much later that actually you are not going to be victim of your past but an out and out survivor.

With ever so much love
mandyx

The bright light at the end of the tunnel is reached!

2011-02-09T18:50:00.005Z

This evening I went to see my new consultant, my old one retired last summer.
It was my FIVE year check up.
I passed!!! Mammogram clear, off tamoxifen, see him next year and have mammograms from now one two yearly.

Then he offered me a job!!!

He wants a psychotherapist he can refer clients to who are making the decision whether to have reconstruction or not.

When I investigated this, on balance I decided against having reconstruction and I'm happy with my choice.

It doesn't matter whether he was serious or not, it didn't half make me feel good. That I am so far cured that he didn't see it as a conflict of interests in my own cancer and other women's..... OH YES!

Walk at the top of the world!

2011-02-06T09:58:00.008Z

Would you like to come for a walk with me and my two friends? This is where we went Wednesday. Trouble is I've loaded the pictures in the wrong order so you need to get to the bottom and come up.
We parked the car at the bottom of Hen Cloud, the rock outcrop on the right of the second picture. And walked along the road for a mile or so till we came to the end of the Roaches. When I first moved to this part of the world I lived in the Roaches and when we pass the track down to my old house I always check it out. It does seem light years away living there now, although it's only 13yrs. It was a hard existence for the ten years I lived there, as it was derelict when we moved in and even when we left, although the building work was down inside and out, it never had any central heating. But I digress
The road climbs up steadily to the end of the Roaches and then the serious climb starts. It's all walkable,but tough terrain, so the path means clambering over boulders, up and down hills. It was incredibly windy so the wind chill factor was pretty horrible. And to add insult to injury I'd forgotten my flask of coffee.
In the middle of the top of the Roaches there is a pool known as Doxey's Pool, it is rumoured to be bottomless. And in all the years I've been going up the Roaches I've never seen it alter in the amount of water in it,even in the height of the summer.
Finally the climbing up ends and the way is mainly down, before you get to the small resting spot between the Roaches and Hen Cloud, gather your resources and go up again!
Both these places are well known rock climbing areas and even last Wednesday there were bus loads of kids in their bright coats and hard hats sitting around on the Roaches getting geography lessons. They must have been freezing, we were, and we were walking hard.The down path from Hen Cloud is steep and slippy through the woods and the trees are ancient.
But we got down, it was too cold to sit anywhere to have lunch outside, so we went to one of the bird hides at Tittesworth Reservoir to eat our lunch, and my friends to take pity on me and shared their coffee!
Another great walk, all feeling tired and all cobwebs chased away, with the thought of my hot path and large coffee the reward when I got in.

A long tailed tit and blue tit eating the fat ball viewed from the hide.

The water is frozen but the reflection is lovely of where we've just walked

A hollow tree on the slidy slippy path down the hill

The rock formations on the top are spectacular, the way the weather over the millenium has driven these grooves into the rock

Or how this piece of rock ended up balanced

Doxey's Pool at the top of the world

PS the pictures on my side bar are all of our walk around Tittesworth, with the Roaches in the background the week before

Dusk and dawn

2011-02-02T15:34:00.004Z

Top two pics are from Monday evening about 5.15 walking the dog and the bottom two are from this morning at 7.30 with the dog, same place different direction!
It's just so lovely that the days are starting to get longer. Waiting on the bad weather as in the red sky in the morning.

I like........

2011-01-28T09:25:00.004Z

Taking a leaf out of Mel's book.....

Things I like today

The smell of Hyacinths on entering my sitting room

The sun shinning in through the window .... even if it does show up the dust!

A cup of coffee with some illicit cream in, that I'm going to drink whilst in the bath

The shocking pink blankie on my navy blue sofa, waiting for me to snuggle under.

The host of little birds feeding in my garden, better than watching TV

The thought that in a while if I wrap up warm enough I could drive over the hills to Buxton with the roof down to go get the weekend food on this startlingly blue sky day

My lovely dog sitting at my feet

HEADLINE.... read all about it, time stolen!

2011-01-27T08:16:00.005Z

I do really want to apologise for not getting round to blogging or getting to anyone elses blog to leave comments.
I've got two big tasks on.
The first is knitting in every spare moment I have. I started making my gorgeous niece a mohair jumper back in early November ready for Christmas...... Right that worked then. It was her birthday last Monday and it's still not done. I get to see her a week on Friday and it's got to be done for then, or else! Didn't help that I had to undo half of it so am now re-knitting.
And the second is not having a moment to breath with work stuff, most of it unpaid,but hopefully leading to some paid in a few months. So whilst I'm running round like a headless chicken the professional reading I've got to do is getting neglected. And if I want to be paid that's got to be read in preparation for the document I've been asked to produce.
And on and on and on......
So I thought for a little while at least I'll just put some photos up and write words when I have time.

Peace and contentment are now!

2011-01-16T11:08:00.006Z

I've not led a conventional life for most of my life. It started very normally, a wanted little girl, who had a happy if somewhat isolated childhood with my little sister. We didn't have friends locally to play with, other than a girl much younger than both of us.
So I was very good at making up games,they usually involved playing house in some sort of den or another with my teddies and sister.
I got moved schools at completely the wrong time, in that I was happy and had lots of friends there. But the headteacher told my parents I wouldn't get into the grammar school, so the moved me the term I should have started practising for the 11plus exam that would have got me in (or not)
I was sent to an all girls school in another town, one where I was very isolated and bullied. So starting the journey of learning to be okay alone.
My early teenage years weren't good. I used sex as a way to try and get love. It didn't of course work!
When I was 17 I had the most conventional relationship of my life. It went on for five lovely years. But at the end I'd left home and gone to live in Cambridge and David wanted to get married like our friends had done, but I wanted to see more of the world, so I ended it.
I went back to not liking myself with very low self esteem and went back to using sex as a way to feel loved.... it still didn't work!
Eventually the nagging by my loved ones and my opening my mind to possibilities got me out of a particular poisonous relationship with a married man.
I finally started to think well of myself and met my first husband. He was not leading a normal life, he was a sailor in the merchant navy. So I embarked on 13 years of partings and homecomings.
When he was at home I would let him be responsible for the home things the family man should do, and then when he went back to sea I'd sort out the mess he'd left behind, clear up the debts, cutting up yet another of his credit cards and get on with running the home.
Five years into our marriage we made the decision with my sister and her husband to buy a derelict property together and do it up. My family would live in the barn and my sister's would live in the farmhouse, but because it was in the Peak Park we had to have it as one house so we shared a kitchen.
This for the first few years was fine. My husband would come back from sea and get stuck into helping by BiL build, and my sis and I shared care of the children.
But my husband met someone else and left. Leaving the three of us adults completely in a mess that took two years to get out of by selling up.
I immediately went back to hating myself and started going out with nasty men who would validate my low self esteem.
Fortunately this phase didn't last long and I came to me senses after only three months!
I then joined a dating agency (this was pre internet dating)Met this okay-ish bloke and went out with him for a couple of years before the relationship had run it's course.
Then it was another married man for far too long. And the dating agency guy got in touch with me,he was off to work in the States, would I email him?... sure no problem.
One year down the line he came back to the UK for a month, at the end of which he asked me to marry him.
I knew I didn't love him in the way I should. But I was so lonely for that relationship with someone, You know the sort when you come home after a long day and your partner makes you a cup of tea cause he cares. Boy did I want that, so I married him.
That isn't what I got,and after a total of five weeks actually living together in a six month period of being married, he'd gone back to Seattle to tie up his job before coming back here. I realised this was a colossal mistake and said I wanted a divorce.The fact that I had to get drunk to have sex should have told me something!
Then a total of five more relationships lasting in length from two years to six months, a couple of them concurrently! A married man in the middle, the man forever known as Mr Butterfly Kisses!
And now getting on for three years on my own.
And it has been these last three years that have taught me true self respect. I will never have a relationship that starts with sex, I'd rather not bother. Sex is lovely, don't get me wrong, and I don't like to think I'll never have it again. But more I don't have to use it as a way to feel loved.
I am loved by myself in a way that all those years between the relationships when I truly loved and was loved (so that's three)I didn't and therefore gave myself no respect and used sex as a tool to try and get that love.
I do not need to do that ever again.
So although as earlier this week I envied my friends what they are embarking on. I do not need to go there right now.
I am content and at peace, and can make my own cup of tea when I get in, I can also sit slumped in a chair for the rest of the evening without having to drag myself into the kitchen and cook for anyone else. And that is worth a lot to me!
So this week has been a poignant bit of the journey, but ultimately a good one as it's helped me identify that actually living MY life the way I do is fine. And there will always be moments when it doesn't feel right but isn't that true of all of us in whatever type of life we lead. As someone said the grass is always greener!
I am open to life's opportunities, I do not have a closed mind. But what makes it work is; right now, right here,and that is fine. And what's round the corner can wait till I get there. So I shan't be spending my time yearning for the unknown when it's so good today.

It is okay, it will be okay, it must be okay.

2011-01-10T17:21:00.005Z

The news is good,he says they are in love.
Not some adolescent infatuation
More serious middle age stuff,
that sets their hearts racing
and their minds doing cartwheels in the sand!

So why does it hurt?
it's not them, they deserve what they can get.
It's me,those carefully protected defences
the portrayal of being okay alone
gets smashed against the rocks of ocean spray.

I like my life, I tell myself
And mainly it's true
But just sometimes I yearn for arms around me
Holding me tight,to set my heart aflutter

I told him I like being single
I can read till 1am with no-one to bother
But I know deep down that it would be nice
just to hear the words, turn the light off love.

The green eyed monster mustn't gobble me up
I need to go back to liking my life
to being okay alone in the dark
but sometimes just sometimes

Lets hear it for shooting self doubt into the sky

2011-01-03T18:31:00.006Z

I've been reading lots of posts over the year end with the same of similar theme. The theme of self doubt. The writings reflect people's uncertainty about themselves as people. So I thought I'd wade in with a therapy article, this is not directed at any one individual at all. That would be seriously wrong, more it's directed as a generic tool for how we learn to accept ourselves. So the only person I will write about is myself, as at the end of the day the only person I can ever have the hope of changing is myself!

So let me start by telling you of a talent I have, it's a gift, something I have polished and treasured over the years..... It is my ability to be totally bloody tactless! When I was younger and opened mouth before engaging brain I would go to a place of self hate for days as a result of some crass and stupid thing I had said. I would believe that no-one liked me as a result of my stupidity. Oh I could beat myself up for England.

And then I started training as a psychotherapist. There I was in the middle of a teaching session and as ever I'd opened my mouth and was just starting to crawl in my hole of self hate. When I looked up at the rest of the obviously cleverer people than me in the room, and I had a moment of self realisation that rocked my very foundations. No-one else was looking at me as if I'd grown another head. In fact the session had moved on and my crass comment was just accepted, as the dialogue about whatever point was going on was far more important to everyone, than stopping to look at me and point their fingers and be shocked by my tactlessness.

It was a life turning point, and not a moment too soon, as I was in my mid 40s! Suddenly I realised that yes I did say some daft things some of the time, but also I said some sensible things, That this group treated me as their intellectual equal not as some poor child they felt sorry for and allowed to play in their gang.

For those that have been reading me for a long time can see a lot of themes from my childhood here that I've talked about before many times.

I was on this course because I was seen as being bright enough to be on it. That even though the things that came out of my mouth maybe be seen as somewhat tactless, that I was never less than honest about myself. One of my strengths is the ability to grasp the picture very quickly and I do not spend hours flannelling about a point I get straight to it. Some might even find that threatening as they prefer a more considered approach. But this direct approach meant that a lot of times we didn't waste time going round the houses of discussion cause someone felt unsafe.

My tactlessness had a positive side, people actually admired that I got straight to the point and would never expose anyone else's weakness when I could expose my own as a way to help them feel safe in the first place.

If you've ever been in any sort of group, someone has to be first to say I have this or that issue before others will join and agree. I have never shied away from doing that.

All of this has meant that in the last 12/13 years since this revelation I have learnt to love myself. Sure I'm still tactless, but imagine if you will a piece of string with tactless in a knot at one end, now holding that length of string in front of me to find the other end, the other knot is where tactful lives.
For me to have the insight to know I'm tactless I equally have to know what being tactful is about.

And this piece of string with it's two knots stretched across my body, well this is a construct, quality or characteristic, it's not a fault, just one of many many that I have.

We all have them some of them bigger or more important than others, so for me one of my big constructs is generosity versus meanness. I love it when I'm generous it makes me feel I'm the person I want to be in life. And I really hate it if I act mean, cause that's not how I want to see myself.

What happens then to people who are hooked into self doubt about themselves is they have hooked into their lists of bad end constructs only, as in my being mean, stupid, tactless and not tactful generous,or intelligent.

So going back to my imaginary piece of string, at a moments notice I can slip to either end of the tact scale. But unlike the child beating myself up for being tactless I now realise that yes I have gone closer to one end or the other but I don't stay there I go back to the middle and in five minutes time I might whisk of to the other end of the string. This about balance. We are not perfect, there is no such thing as perfection

The thing we have to learn is that for every 'fault' we have we also have an opposite end to the string. What we don't have is JUST a list of bad stuff. If we had that then we would have no-one in our lives as we wouldn't have anyone who cared for us.

But people who self doubt or self hate have no balance all they have is list of bad stuff like some hardened criminals with no redeeming features. And this makes me mad.
There is this totally unrealistic desire for perfection. Because we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves wanting. And frankly this is bollocks!

All those 'perfect' people are running scared. People come into see me in my therapy room and the first time they come to see me they are terrified. They think I might judge them and find them wanting. They look at me with my clear voice, and cashmere jumpers and beautiful make up and their self hate kicks in big time. Fortunately I know this and within the first session they have with me they will be made aware that cut me and I bleed just like them.

The easiest way I do this is through swearing, cause after all no nice middle class lady like me is ever going to swear like the client wants to when they are describing some horrid life event. I settle more people down in therapy when I've heard their story by saying "I'm not fucking surprised your upset" Oh boy does it work well, they suddenly realise that despite what I look like I am human just like them.

It is my job to help people learn to love themselves and not be stuck in the place of self hate or self doubt.

My friends love me in spite of my tactlessness because they know me well enough to know that is just a small bit of me and not the sum total. Over here we used to have a comedy actress whose catch phrase was... "Does my bum look big in this?" This was about her compartmentalising her bottom as an object of self hate. So the question shouldn't ever be about one bit of us, whether a construct or a physical feature. And it shouldn't be to other people.

The question should be of ourselves, what do I need to do today to love myself as much as others love me. Cause they don't care about the size of our bums, they love the whole package. And maybe just maybe those people who self doubt should just take that on board!

So in the interests of understanding that piece of string here just a few constructs (qualities characteristics, call them what you may) that matter to me about me.

Tactless----------------------- Tactful
Funny-------------------------- Humorless
Grumpy------------------------- Happy
Stubborn ---------------------- Easy Going
Generous----------------------- Mean spirited
Loyal-------------------------- Disloyal
Dishonest---------------------- Honest
Organised -------------------- Chaotic
INTELLIGENT-------------------- STUPID

And on and on, as you can see my list is a mixture of good and bad ends not all good on one side and bad the other. Just mixed up, as we all are at all times. But there are two ends and once that is understood then self hate starts to be a thing of the past.

The now of now

2011-01-01T15:07:00.003Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I'm starting the new year with a clean house.... yeah
With all the decorations except the tree put away, I've given in till Monday on that, even though the poor tree is so droopy now. Courtesy of having to have the heating turned up when the pipes froze!
With my three new CDs put on the computer and the Beatles album Love playing and playing, when I'm not listening to Duffy at any rate.
Me singing all the songs on the Beatles album at the top of my voice, which isn't very loud as it makes me cough still!
With pictures of the sea to inspire me for going away in this new and potentially exciting New Year.
Don't know how it will be exciting yet, as there are no firm plans lined up, but there is belief that there will be plans and that is enough for today.
An optimistic belief that the world is a good place, however unrealistic that one is. But then I've always been a glass half full person, and nowadays I just have the glass as full, with days when the contents get spilled before it's refilled.
This being the first day for a while that I haven't been so exhausted that I've had to have a sleep in the middle of the afternoon, I'm here instead!
A day for being happy for the clear head, unlike the youngest and his girlfriend who are still groaning about their hangovers.... Oooh a small gloat going on here!
The belief that I can and will make some more work for myself this year so I don't worry so much about money, cause it wastes my energy worrying.
The power of living in the moment governing as much of my life as I can, giving me a sense of equilibrium that is unsurpassed.
And finally the main driving force of my life.... LOVE, cause it's all you need!

The place to be

2010-12-28T11:04:00.005Z

I would like words to drop like jewels from my mind onto the paper. To cascade in flowing rivulets. Twisting and turning with wit and repartee. To sparkle with a diamond intensity in a poetic ballet of thought and dreams.

That's what I would like, but I actually have is a brain of mush.
A mush that has been going on now for 11 days.
The mush of having the worst cold I can ever remember for far too long.

But today there does seem to be a small light at the end of the tunnel of feeling ill. I actually feel almost normal, given I've still got the hacking cough and the endless headache. But I don't feel bad enough to take any more pain killers. Progress indeed.

I can only be grateful that all of this ridiculous under the weatherness has coincided with a holiday and that I'm not back to work till a week today.

I have zero energy and Christmas happened out of sheer will power. Which I have now given myself permission to let go of, so if I have the wherewithal to do anything, like this morning sorting out the washing then I will do it. But if the energy runs out then I am giving myself permission to sit and stare.

This is almost a New Year's resolution. To allow myself time.Running myself ragged doesn't actually do me any good (Duh!) And I am working on the premise that actually I am old enough now to take care of me properly, however that is.

So lets hear it for being kind to ourselves and caring enough about our selves that we look after our needs properly.

Which means that actually it doesn't matter if the jewel like words don't happen. What matters is I'm okay where I am and that is an important place to be.

Normal service will be resumed when I've got the energy!

2010-12-22T13:18:00.004Z

Sorry can't come to the door right now I'm too stressed.
I've been ill with a hacking cough, headache and now sinusitis for the last five days.
The temperature here on Monday was -10 and my pipes froze
Around the same time my 86 year old Uncle was in dire need of my support as his flights from Manchester to Boston via Heathrow got cancelled.
So Monday night saw me leaving the doors to the loft spaces open to try and thaw the pipes out, all the doors to the rooms had to be kept firmly shut. The rooms got boiling and the hall and landing where like going outside.
But hey it worked and now all unlagged pipes are decidedly cozy now!
As for my Uncle, two hours Monday night two hours yesterday and probably another stint tonight trying to sort things over the internet. He lives in the next town so I probably phoned him 15 times last night wanting information.
But is so frustrating is that the Manchester flight was cancelled, and although a notice went up saying the Heathrow Boston flight was cancelled they obviously changed their mind and it went. Uncle couldn't have got there so he's now lost his money. So his choice is to fork out more money or stay home and not see his daughter and grandchildren.
And he's feeling very stressed and obviously unhappy at the loss of his money. And I'm doing my best to try and fix all the things I can.
But I feel so ill and stressed myself.
Never mind big son is home tomorrow and all the food is here, so tomorrow can be devoted to cleaning and baking before he arrives.
Just wish I had a bit more energy to deal with it all.
Hey ho!

I hope you all have a magical Christmas and I'll be back when I've got the energy.

PS Good news I spent 20 minutes waiting for tbe airline to answer the phone but it paid off and my dear old Uncle is travelling to Boston on Christmas Eve! With no loss of money. Determination has sorted it out.

So just my health to sort out now!

Bopping the night away

2010-12-12T09:15:00.005Z

Finally the weather, at least for the moment has cleared. Which meant that I could go out and play!
So last night was the Christmas 'Do' with my work colleagues. A turkey dinner followed by dancing.
A good practise run for my proper dance class 'Do' next weekend.
So I spent almost three hours non stop on the dance floor except for quick top of water levels. Couldn't do either salsa or rock'n'roll no one else knew the steps. But those I will be doing next week. But just happily bopped the night away.
Which I feel pretty proud of,I'm not the oldest at work, but I was the one person consistently on the dance floor. All the other dancers didn't have my stamina. So not bad for an old un! I saw off all the twenty and thirty somethings.
I got the usually reticent but very merry docs dancing much against their better judgement.
And I didn't look bad in my repro vintage rock'n'roll dress with it's piles of petticoats.
Amazingly I didn't get home till 1.30 in the morning, unheard of me who likes being in bed at 10.30.
And this morning my feet are aching a bit, but nothing else.
So lets here it for life disasters making you pick up your life and make it work healthier! Cause I'm fitter now at 56 then a lot of people half my age and certainly fitter than I was when I was half my age!
Roll on next Sunday dancing which will follow a long walk hopefully on the Saturday. Oh and of course three hours dance class on Tuesday. Bring it on!

Love and gratitude

2010-12-07T22:10:00.005Z

I've just written a post all about how privileged I feel and why. The reasons are all to do with being loved. Then I realised that it's a post I've written more than once in the last three and a half years, so I got rid of it.

I don't want to repeat myself or rehash old posts but I did want to make a point about how I feel.

I have never seen it as my automatic right to be loved. It is not something I ever want to take for granted. I spent so many years of my early life not having friends.
I learnt to not show how much it mattered being without them.

So now years later I am constantly amazed when people want not only be my friend, but then stay friends with me.

I have always nurtured my friendships. I contact people and ask them if they want to do something with me, whether that's put up with me visiting, or going out for a simple walk. When I was younger and did this, I always used to feel people were just putting up with me. Now I know differently. We all lead such busy lives, no more so than at this time of year. And keeping up with people is not always easy with our day to day commitments. But I know now that people are pleased that I make the effort to contact them and say,lets get together, however that will be done.

Someone asked me recently whether we would be friends for life. And I would like to think that anyone who is my friend is there for life. The world is a tough and lonely place, we need each other. Even if we don't get round to speaking to each other every week. That bit doesn't matter. What matters is that when we have time that we do contact each other and share our thoughts and care of each other.

Blogging feels a bit like that circular, which I'm sure you've all seen. You know the one, that talks about some people only being in our lives for a moment, others for a while longer and some for ever. Many people have passed by here in their blog journeys, a few have stayed the course and are real friends now and I think will always be so. Others have drifted off or I have drifted away from them, as our paths changed and are need for that person was not so intense. I regret the drift away, but at the same time I know I cannot be friends with everyone all of the time.

I suppose in writing this I just want to pay tribute to all of you wonderful bloggy friends, whether you are there for the duration or just passing through. I am grateful that you have stopped by because you make a difference in my life.

And at this wonderful and difficult time of year I just want you to know that I wish for you good things, peace and contentment.

The start of BAR HUMBUG

2010-12-06T17:21:00.004Z

I think dog walkers are probably the daftest people on the planet. Who in their right mind would go out for a walk when getting home from work. A walk that necessiates, wellingtons with thick socks, waterproof and warm coat, scarf wrapped around the nose and mouth, and a woolly hat and thermal gloves all for 20 minutes, cause that's as long as I can stand! In that time I've warded off other dogs whose stupid owners haven't got them on leads. I have walked over ice fields which used to be known as the road, to get to the grass or snow actually on the other side with not a chicken in sight. Sensible critters have given up wanting to cross the road in this weather. I have marvelled at the fact that it's as well that I've been walking in this place for years as I'm having to do it in the dark except for the eternal twinkling of the bloody snow.
Have I mentioned before anywhere I HATE SNOW AND ICE. You would tell me if I was in danger of repeating myself wouldn't you?
So now I'm back in the house and even though it's Monday I'm throwing a glass of champagne down my throat to alleviate the trauma..... that is definitely my excuse anyway!
To add insult to injury it's another early start in the morning which means another bonkers walk in the dark but at 6.30am. I must be seriously mad.
I may just have to keep drinking champagne till the snow has gone at this rate. Which is fine if it goes at the end of the week, but going to be a tad expensive if the rumour that it will be here till January is true.
Thank goodness for internet shopping is all I can say, great way to deal with Christmas.
At least I was saved from one task this winter, the purchasing of the Christmas tree. In previous years I've been and got it, and received a lot of weird looks as I've carried it home in my car with the roof down in December, well it's a little car and a 6' tree. Always made for interesting cornering in that I had to plan a route home that involved NO right turns, as couldn't see a thing cause there was a honking great Christmas tree in the way
Youngest went and did the deed himself, which is a bit early for me, but based on last years traumas completely understandable. So the tree is up and smelling gorgeous. Just hope the needles stay on till the big day!
So there you have it, a few hours in the life of a daft person, it's just as well I love that dog cause not sure I'd be this barmy for anyone else!

It's only December 2nd, it's going to be a long winter.

2010-12-02T10:45:00.003Z

Day three of the horrid weather!
Today I was supposed to go over to where I work to go out for Christmas lunch with 'the girls' The snow had other ideas and hasn't stopped since I cleaned the drive off at 8am! So my lovely turkey dinner isn't going to happen, and I love turkey dinners!
What has got to happen is I've got to put my rucksack on my back and walk down to the nearest shop to get some supplies, milk and potatoes being the two I really need.
It's not that other cars aren't driving out, they are, despite the snow on the road. But I have a summer car, a lovely little convertible that everyday of the year when there isn't any snow or ice I love to bits. But right now it's as much use as a chocolate teapot!
And although I will get it out and drive it, hopefully tomorrow, there is no point in putting myself at risk needlessly. I did some fine skids last year and was lucky I got away with them without smashing my car.
I do accept that it all looks beautiful and will no doubt carry on taking lovely photos of it, but the terror that snow and ice fills me with is difficult to deal with.
I know exactly why I've got this fear as well. In that when I first moved to this part of the world I lived up in the hills in the derelict farmhouse and barn with my sister and her family. We learnt very quickly about getting snowed in. The house was down a half mile track from the country lane above it. To begin with we didn't have any four wheel cars, we soon got them! But I used to park my car up on the lane in the winter and walk the then three small children up each morning to do the school run.
The year I was expecting Alex we got cut off completely for a while which was very frightening. Trying to be vigilant about weather forecasts and make sure supplies were up to speed was always a a challenge.
Then there were the times that I would drive back from work in the snow and have to pick up all the children from their various schools and more often or not have to negotiate getting stuck and not show the kids my state of panic.
So now I live in a far more civilised place on an estate but the road still gets iced up and I still get frightened.
Hey ho and it's only the 2nd of December. When I went through this last year I was determined to move to Devon, which hasn't happened. I've come to terms with that, but to add this weather fear back into the equation, it's mighty hard work.
Oh well there's always next spring to sell my house!

My garden today

2010-11-30T13:46:00.005Z

I've had to have a snow day at home. It started snowing at 2am and hasn't really stopped yet. This is really unsual in England to get this level of snow and cold in November. It looks very bizarre on the trees with their autumn leaves still on covered in snow.
So instead of getting to work I'm talking to my clients on the phone which has meant that I've also been able finally to sort out the mound of paperwork that has been building up since April for me to have the time to sort. The type of job I can always put off. But today it felt like part of earning my keep by getting my affairs up to date.
Taking a break between tasks I've just nipped out into the garden and taken some shots of the snow for you to see.

Winter berries

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Sunlight on the roses

Roof of snow

Anyone for a cold drink in the shade?

Autumnal end

2010-11-28T13:59:00.004Z

The water tumbled and rushed over rocks with not a moment to lose
The leaves fell like orange and yellow snow from the trees
The birds flew hither and thither scouting out their food
The dogs rustled in the undergrowth, whilst the squirrels laughed up above.
The children jumped in puddles despite their mums pleas
The sun shone, the sky almost painful blue.
The couple walked side by side looking happy to others
They'd learnt to do this to keep the world away
They walked to the spot where their child had drowned
And sitting down beside the river they swallowed the tablets and lie down to die.
The heron watched from the other bank and flew over when the time was right to help their souls on the way
The birds silent for a moment as if in prayer, the wind gusted and the leaves drifted down and covered them lying there to keep them safe perhaps for a while
Till they succeeded in their desire

Alternate Christmas tree ( well for three days anyway)

2010-11-22T07:09:00.004Z

For the first three days of the towns Christmas Tree it's been adorned with bras. It's to remind the town of breast cancer awareness. So I'm putting it here just to remind anybody passing by to check yourself regularly, get a mammogram, and don't let this vile disease get you.

Feel free to use any of these photos if you want to pass the message on.

Devon, London, Devon, am I lucky or what!

2010-11-20T17:51:00.004Z

On Monday I was back from Devon only to go to London on Thursday. Now back till Wednesday when going back to Devon...... After that I get to stay put till the New Year!

Went up to London to meet up with the absolutely delightful Nicky (absolute vanilla) and her husband. We met up in Covent Garden and found a lovely restaurant in a huge conservatory like building actually overlooking Covent Garden. We talked and talked, the restaurant couldn't get rid of us and in the end gave us more water to lubricate our throats!

Then I went off to my eldest son's flat in Kentish Town, an area of London that sounds nicer than it is. Friday Kit had booked the day off and we were set for walking. Nicky and her hubby had been to the famous Highgate Cemetery the day before. It's a place I've heard about and recently read about in a novel about ghosts and the such like. So decided to copy her idea. Only problem was I'd not taken my camera with me..... So I took lots of pictures with Kit's phone but may be waiting some time for him to get round to emailing me with them.

It is an astonishing place, there is a West and East graveyard. You can only go in the West side on a guided tour, which unfortunately were fully booked. But we could go in the East side. There are many many famous people buried there, the most famous being Karl Marx. It is an overgrown secret place with ivy trailing everywhere. Graves that are so old that all the words have eroded away. Being in there was a small oasis against the hustle and bustle of the world outside. Apart from the planes flying overhead on their way to Heathrow all you could hear was sweet birdsong. The weather was on our side, warm and sunny. It is definitely not a place anyone would want to visit on a late winter's afternoon with it getting dark it is spooky.

Friday night took us to the opening night of Harry Potter, which I highly recommend. I'm usually a great fidget in the cinema. And it was only when the film finished that I realised I hadn't moved in two and half hours I was so gripped by the story.My legs had cramped up and it took a while to get them moving. Can't wait for part II, which is mad really as I read the book and know what's going to happen!

The cinema was in an area called the Angel, which is as good as it's sounds. Just as well the shops were shut, as there were all the ones I could hope for and more! But instead of shopping we went to a little French restaurant. A place you have to live in London to know about. They've kept their food prices the same for 3 years and it was superb stuff. The place was only lit by candlelight and jam packed. We could only get in if we agreed to be out before 9pm.

Then home today for me and a big family lunch to cook tomorrow, roast beef and all the trimmings before a couple of days work and then more seaside..... Lovely

With love from me to YOU

2010-11-16T22:43:00.004Z

Thank you for all your wonderful love and friendship in responding to the post below. I can't tell you how touched and cherished I feel with your wonderful comments.
It's late and I haven't much time, as got such a busy next few days so this will be short. But didn't want to not acknowledge your wonderful words of generosity to me.
So to each and every one of you I wish I could come round right now and give you a huge hug, and spend some time with you as we just chat a while. Since I can't do that, well at least not this week, I give all of this bunch of flowers. If you want it on your blog that's fine feel free to put it there.

The Cure started 11th November!

2010-11-13T09:32:00.007Z

I know some of you have read some of this stuff before. I make no apologies for writing it again. This is the last time I'll write it about this particular subject. But right now I'm on a journey I didn't know I'd still be here for, and it is in my head quite a lot at the moment, as I go through the various significant dates in my head. To have got to the point that five years ago was nothing more than a hoped for ambition, feels huge. I was told back then that if you live through the five years of remission then you are considered cured. And I am now here!

This is the post that five years ago I didn't know I'd be able to write. Which I know sounds a bit melodramatic, cause I wasn't even aware of blogging then!
But the life changes that have gone on since then have changed my life, in a way that no other period of my life has. Sure before five years ago big and horrible things had happened, my beloved parents had both died, Mum many years before and Dad the previous year. The man I thought I'd be married to for ever had walked out on me, leaving me as a single Mum of two small boys (Who are now fine young men!)
I was used to dealing with grief.
But the body blow of being told I had breast cancer was unbelievable.

I was so confident that I hadn't got it after all the tests, that the day I was due to see the consultant to hear the results I'd prepared to go on my own! Thank goodness for caring sons! Unbeknown to me my eldest son made the decision that I would really like him to be there with me ,but wouldn't ask him to come back from University in Cambridge as I would be thinking that he shouldn't interrupt his studies!

He knows me so well! And so when the front door opened the night before and in he walked remains one of the highlights of my life.

I was so confident that come the next morning we went in my car to see the consultant, a car my son was not insured to drive.

Kit sat outside the consulting room and I went in with only a little trepidation. To be told I had cancer. I switched without blinking into efficiency mode, what was going to happen, when. I was smiling and friendly with the consultant, I could see he thought I was an okay patient, as he was old school and wouldn't be very good with women falling apart. This remained the tenor of our relationship together where I teased him very gently, and was not in awe of him up, until I shook his hand this summer when he told me he was retiring. And as I shook his hand I thanked him for my life and then the tears came in front of him.

Coming out of that room I fell apart. The date was 11th November, a date I already had etched in my brain as I've always kept faith with the need for Remembrance, and now had this to deal with as well.

To cut a long story short, as this is all somewhere in blogland ether, I had three operations in eight weeks,the last being a mastectomy. I didn't need either chemo or radiotherapy in accepting a mastectomy. I was put on Tamoxifen for five years. The tablets that have been the bane of my life giving me endless hot flushes and thrush. But these have been small potatoes in relation to helping me stay fit and cancer free.

In the last five years I have let go of several friendships with people I once loved dearly, but when the chips were down, they were not there for me. I have kept and maintained my relationships with four women who without question make my world rock.
I have made lots of new friends, many courtesy of here.

I had a lover ditch me four days after my first operation. I can only be grateful that I was so busy recovering from surgery that I didn't have time to notice him going!

I have had three lovers since I've had a mastectomy. And I will always be grateful beyond words to the man I used to call Mr Butterfly Kisses. I knew him before the op, we'd had an on/off relationship. He was the first man to make me, with my battered body, feel normal again. He kissed my from my mouth down my body across the scar to lower down. In one fell swoop he made me a woman again with those tender butterfly kisses.

The summer after all my operating traumas I did a sponsored walk of ten miles. I'd never really walked any distance before. This opened the door to one of my passions in life now. Something I don't think I could be without. And nowadays 10 miles is easy peasy!

I've talked before about where I am right now, so instead I'm going to project myself a little into the future in relation to my plans to walk tall into being cured.

I'm going to do two little rituals to say good bye to cancer.

At the moment I've got my usual two month prescription of Tamoxifen it will run out around the 19th December. But I've decided to leave out Sundays doses so that I can make the tablets last until December 31st. My new year resolution is to be free of these tablets, and so I'm starting the year as I mean to carry on with a clean cancer free slate.

The other thing I want to do relates to something I did back in January 2006. At the end of that month I went by myself up to Manchester, my favourite big local city. I'd booked myself a massage in Harvey Nixs. To explain this, I have a passion for perfume, and over the years have gone through many bottles of the stuff. Probably for four years prior to cancer I'd discovered the wonders of a company called Jo Malone. She makes wondrous natural perfumes without chemical smells to enhance them. My signature scent is now one called Honeysuckle and Jasmine in the summer. The one I bought recently for the winter is Nutmeg and Ginger.

Anyway Jo Malone in Harvey Nixs had visiting facialists coming up from London, and I booked one to make me feel better with all I'd gone through during Christmas. It was without doubt the best facial I've ever had in my life. And I've had lots! So when I was buying the last bottle of perfume, they told me that the facialist was again coming up in February and did I want to go on the list. Did I? Oh Yes! Despite the fact that not only is it the best facial, it is also the most expensive. And I didn't hesitate, as for me this is the final strand in moving on regardless of monetary cost, the psychological price is one that is more important to attend too.I had one when I was at my most vulnerable, and I'm ending the last five years with one.

This way, in my fantasys I am coming full circle into being cancer free. Well at least as much as anyone can be. Cause, if God forbid I ever get it again it will be a new cancer and no longer related to these last five years.

So in my head I have my mental tick list of last time I'll do this anniversary or that, and the end is closely in sight.

I am fitter emotionally and physically then I've ever been in my life. My world, baring disasters is a good place.

Thank you for being part of it and your care and love over the last three and a half years I couldn't have got here without you.

With ever so much love to myself and to you!
mandyxx

Lest we forget.

2010-11-11T12:21:00.005Z

At the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month the guns became silent.
In memory of all those that perished in the War to end all wars and all conflicts since, up until the almost daily account of yet another death from which ever country there is still war. We will remember you. And we will salute the people who are left, the loved ones who have to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. This is not the time to discuss the futility of war. It is a time for me to bow my head and to show my gratitude that they died so I may lead the life I have in the way I have it.

In my pretty blog I've added a new person on my blog roll. He was there before, but he is so difficult to read. It makes my heart bleed when I read about the distress he is in. So if you want to know what it's like being a war vet who suffers from really bad PTSD check out Blood in the Sand. It hurts reading it and we should read his words to understand.

Life is an uphill climb, but the view is worth waiting for!!!

2010-11-04T08:24:00.005Z

I'm putting two pictures up today, the first if you look closely there is a pointed hill in the background,this is Shutingslow and it's where Trousers and I walked on Saturday. It's a really tough climb, as it's almost vertical in parts. When you get to the top you can see three counties, Cheshire, Staffordshire and Derbyshire all around you. In the distance you can see the city of Manchester, Shropshire and on a really clear day Wales. We walked up and down the hill, through Macclesfield Forest and and then back up to the car about 9 miles of tough walking.

The bottom picture is just taken a little further over towards the Roaches and again if you look carefully up on the hill, as if next to the beech tree, is a farmhouse. For ten years this is where I lived. We bought it derelict, my sister's family and mine. It was only basically habitable for some time. But we bought it for the views, for the three acres of land, and for the opportunity to give our then three children an idyllic childhood of den making and exploring, and a village school to start them off.

Between these two times 22 years have passed. Some of them wonderful and some unbelievably difficult. We moved into that house, as our Mum hadn't long died, and my sister and I realised the value of family ,so thought we needed to keep us together for a while. We lived in the house for ten years, during which my husband walked out on me. Which caused pain and distress to all of us living there.

Eventually I moved to where I live now, my sister now lives ten minutes walk away.And I got on with being a single parent to my two beloved sons.

Finally now they are both happy and settled. The eldest lives in London and is having a great time there with a job he loves and a fantastic social life, by the sound of it. The youngest lives with me, but has a wonderful serious girlfriend, a job (finally) and has left his life of crime behind him.

As for me, I'm content and occasionally happy. Although at the moment I'm preoccupied with my 5th anniversary of having had breast cancer. An anniversary that when it happens means that I'm no longer seen as in remission, I'm cured! This however isn't the post to deal with that issue, cause I haven't quite reached the day I'm marking as the Big C Cure day, and I know I'll need to write about that.

This is more a celebration of me having found myself. I have a good life, a great couple of jobs, I live in an amazingly beautiful part of the world. I have more or less enough money, there is enough to put food on the table, buy me books to read, to treat myself now and again to a new purse and to be able to stick a bunch of flowers in the weekly shopping basket!

Emotionally I am at peace with me. Not sure how I've got that, except I think it is a combination of having dealt with what life has thrown at me, being 56, and writing it all down for the last three years.

Really I want for nothing..... well ,enough money to travel business class would be good, but absolutely not essential!

Let's hear it for my blog world

2010-10-28T22:05:00.006+01:00

I got an award,yeah!
The wonderful Nicky gave me this at Absolute Vanilla ( would do a link, but can't!)
This is given to people who write from the heart and of course I'm meant to hand it on. But with all these things I think that's too onerous to land on anyone. So if you want to do it, please feel free.
I have to write 10 honest things about myself. And since I feel in the last three and a half years I've put more information out about me than anyone really wants to know I thought I'd do it from a blogging perspective.

1. I was introduced to blogging by a man I was going out with who I loved deeply, who dumped me a week after setting my first blog Pradapixie up, and so I instead of the writing I thought I'd be doing, I ended up dealing with my broken heart. He has recently got married to the woman he left me for.

2. The first person who commented on my blog was Trousers. We met up a couple of years ago now and he and I go on huge walks several times a year where we put the world to rights. Can't wait till Saturday, don't forget the chocolate cause I've got some hill for us to climb!!!

3. I've had several blogging parties where I invited people I'd never met to visit. The first one ended up being four of us and we got through 6 bottles of champagne, 1 bottle of red and some beer in the evening.

4. I had a short affair with a blogger. We'd travel to opposite ends of the country to spend weekends together for a while. He is also now married!

5. On a visit to see my best friend in Philly in 2008 I hired a car and drove 7 hours to go and meet and stay with Sorrow (who no longer blogs) for three days.

6. In 2009 I went to Usedom in Germany to meet and stay with Angela for a few days.

7. I once had an encounter at Piccadilly Station in Manchester with a fellow blogger, who was passing through from Scotland to Bristol. Not a good experience.

8. I've met and stayed friends with and do lunch with bloggers who live up near Liverpool and in Somerset.

9. I talk every week, if not more, to Paula in Munich, we are really good friends, even though we have yet to meet. Which is going to be remedied next year, when I go over to the USA to meet her.

10. Nicky (who awarded me this) and her husband are going out to dinner with me in London in a few weeks time, when they are over from South Africa. It will be the second time we have met.

11. (I know I'm cheating, this is more than ten) I have a good friendship with Robyn in Australia and we listen to each others stuff when it gets tough going. And I really hope that one day she gets to go to Cornwall to trace her routes, as I'll be waiting to meet her.

12. Blogging has changed my life. For three and half years it has been my confidante. It has allowed me to make real and genuine friendships all over the world, without which I'd never have made the connections. It has kept me sane during the bad times. Held my hand when it was tough. Sent hugs and support across the waves when I've been lonely.It is for me a wonderful place, even though sometimes I've found it difficult when I've hooked into my childhood insecurities.

13. I don't blog as much as I used to, as nowadays I do have more of a life in the real world, something for a long time I didn't have. I do however, go on my photography blog everyday, Beautiful World and post there.

14. I am the person I am today because I have grown and have done so here. So my sense of peace has come about because of what I have written over the years. Best therapy I could ever have had!!!

Waves and Gulls, nothing could be finer.

2010-10-24T16:13:00.014+01:00

I've been a very busy little bee in the last couple of weeks. Lots of work things, which has been great, loads of dancing, which of course is fab, and two weekends away.

Last weekend was in Devon. I did all sorts of things,Glastonbury for Bohemian shopping which was very succesful. Lunch in the Barbican in Plymouth, just by the Mayflower steps. Vintage clothes shopping, I've bought the most amazing repro 1950s dress, fitted top with huge skirt and a wonderful net petticoat to wear with it. So that when I go to my dance classes' Christmas do, I'll really look the part doing rock'n'roll. Picking apples and having them turned into the most delicious apple juice I've ever had. Been walking, eating and talking,so usual wonderful mixture of stuff when I go visiting my friends.

Early morning light from my friends window.

River Bovey on our Sunday outing.

Then this weekend was Anglesea by myself again, in my sister's log cabin.I got there just as the rain started, so had food and a snooze, but thought I must try and get to the beach. It was horrendous, cold, wet and windy I got drenched in the ten minutes or so I was out, so I retreated back to the snug cabin for my book, champagne and curry, which seemend the right mixture to me!

Saturday morning I made my way to South Stack an RSPB sanctuary with an incredibly step set of steps down to a little bridge going across to the lighthouse.

It was a very steep climb both down and then back up!!!

I just got back to the car as the rain started again, so had my picnic lunch listening to the rain drumming on the roof.

Sun came back out as I discovered this wonderful beach, walked the length of it and then just sat in a sheltered spot and listened to the waves and the gulls. My idea of total bliss those combined noises.

The view from the field where the log cabin is this morning,with a wonderful clear light.

Another wonderous weekend being on my own. May have to wait till next spring till I go again, but I've got enough memories to keep me going I think.

Come for an autumn walk

2010-10-13T16:19:00.010+01:00

Would you like to come for a walk with me? We're going to walk round the edge of the town I live in, it's about 7 miles, but we'll stop when we get to the town and have a fish and chip lunch, so the last mile won't feel too onerous! We will have to climb up and down several hills, but only one of them is really bad. The rest are quite manageable. But don't worry I'm in no rush myself when it comes to hills, I'll stop when you need to catch your breath.

So walking along my road down to a little secret lane, that takes us to a major road which we have to cross, so look both ways. Then down the little lane by the river, but keep a look out cause we don't want to miss the path up the hill.

At the top of the hill we can look down at the large pond, we see ducks, a couple of swans and a couple of jays fly past us.And we can see the Roaches in the distance shrouded in mist.

We enter into the town's park, past the duck pond. It's been cleaned up in recent years, for a long time it was full of rubbish. Today we'll only see one glass bottle bobbing about on the water's surface.

Once past the formal garden into the wild wood, with trees that look like they might just use their hands to grab you if you're there on dark night.

Some of the trees are down and growing wonderful fungus.

Now going up the hill to the fields and there they are, the lovely donkeys. There are four mother donkeys with four little ones. They are all so sweet. They poke their heads through the gate to have their noses stroked.

Down through the woodlands to yet another lake, this one wild and overgrown. We need to take a breath here as this is the last flat bit before a huge hill which will leave us breathless. But when we get to the top we'll be at the back of the town, so we can go into the Wednesday market and check out the wonderful vegetables for sale. But no point buying any as won't be here tomorrow to eat them.

So into the chippie for a sit down lunch, I'll stick to fish and chips but you can have mushy peas with yours if you want. Then we'll walk home through the old graveyard and down the snickert, that's so steep and treacherous in the winter, past the allotments. All those lovely things growing, down to the wild flower meadow planted in a small patch of waste ground. it's full of pink, red, yellow and blue flowers all flowering in chaotic abundance.

We're less than a mile from home now. Once we get in I'll stick the kettle on and you can get your boots off, stick your feet up and we'll have a biscuit of two with our coffee before you have to go.

PS my computer is playing up and won't let me leave comments on some blogs on my roll. So it's not that I haven't been and tried to say something it's just technology being awkward!

Merhaba, Ahoj, Dzien dobre, Hello

2010-10-12T13:17:00.007+01:00

Just some bits and bobs floating around.....

Does anyone else have a wicked fairy who casts wicked spells during the day? I wake up, and getting out of bed notice in the mirror that I'm not that bad for a middle aged woman. And when I put whatever outfit I'm wearing for the day and my make up I scrub up alright.

But then the wicked fairy comes along and makes me fat,it happens everyday. So before I go to work I can look quite reasonable and by the time I get home I've ballooned into a hippopotamus. And by bedtime I'm larger than an elephant.

I want to know how this wicked fairy gets away with this daily spell, that the good fairy spends all night undoing only for it to happen again the next day.

It must be the fairies that do this, it can't be anything to do with what I eat surely!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday night saw me out having dinner with seven teachers- the headteacher I work with, two Turkish, two Slovak and two Polish. They all had groups of their children visiting the school and we wanted to take all the teachers out to thank them for coming over.

It was an amazing night the Turkish Head didn't speak any English, but his accompanying English speaking colleague made up for it. One of the Polish teachers understood but was hesitant about speaking.

They put me to shame,my language skills are pathetic but I did manage to say hello in all nationalities. It was an amazing evening all talking at once, all trying to keep up with the questions we were all asking each other.

What came across through all our language barriers though is that there is nothing different between us. We all cherished our families, wanted the best for our children, both the ones we had, and the ones in all of our schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday saw me in the garden planting bulbs. Not a job I usually enjoy as by the time I get round to it's cold and the ground is getting hard. But for the last few days we have had astonishing weather, completely blue skies and weather so warm that I sat on the backdoor step on Sunday drinking my coffee with my top off. Just as well no-one was around, the fat fairy had instigated the blubber around my middle again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today I have a days holiday and I feel exhausted. Always the same when we stop isn't it! But rock'n'roll will energise me later and then off to Devon for the rest of the week. Stopping off first in the bohemian town of Glastonbury, where with any luck I'll be able to do all my Christmas shopping for my girlfriends, as it specialises in crystals, tarot and all things mystical.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back here next week.

An autumn tale

2010-10-09T16:06:00.004+01:00

The wind howled in the trees,
leaves skittering down from the bending branches.
Leaves billowing up from the woodland floor
Colour drained from the day,
the temperature falling
Night seemed to come fast, with no light to guide
What was that over there?
her mind started to play tricks.
She knew this way, she'd been before
The owl called from up above
The fox barked on the hillside
Her senses on high alert,trying not to scare
To keep her pace and not to panic
Oh God there it was again,she was sure.
Oh let her get home to her front door.
The rustling of creatures was what she told herself
Not to be stupid no mad axeman hereabouts.
It came quickly the stab to her heart
And with her last breath she knew it was broken
Her lover had left her and she'd have to survive
Alone in the woods, as the moon arose

The human right to be worth something

2010-10-07T11:35:00.005+01:00

There are times in life when nothing much changes but you can get into a bad space. Times when worry can take over,about family or money. Stuff that you can't do much about, but whilst you're in the thick of feeling wretched, everything takes on a gloomy nature.

Then the sun comes out!

Or perhaps, as in my case, I actually ask myself why am I worrying and when I have that answer, I can get pro-active about doing something about the vague worry.

The family situation is no different, the money is no different, but I feel better.

Maybe it's that for me, I don't do thinking time with nothing much to do well.I thrive on being busy. I love nothing more than to see my calender bursting with things and places and stuff I have to do. Doesn't have to be paid stuff. Doesn't have to be entertaining stuff with friends. Doesn't have to be anything much at all. It just has to be lots of it!

And today it involves a lot of school stuff. I am in the privileged position of having to go round five local schools in the next few weeks and spending time with the Heads before meeting other staff and walking round classrooms filled with kids.

I am finding out about the schools ethos, related to pastoral care with a view to writing up a policy document next year. That bit is scary, but I can ignore that for the moment!

The pleasure I'm getting at going into these schools, which range from 3 -19 year olds is huge.The immense pride and drive of the Heads to want the very best for their students is a joy to be part of.

The thought that as a group of schools we are wanting to work together to supply a 'joined up thinking' for our students from the day they start to the day they leave is fantastic.

I love how we are working more at preventative work rather than interventative. That the value is being seen in communication at a greater depth than ever before, as students go from school to school, and even between schools in the same catchment area. Education can no longer be something a school does in isolation without reference to what has gone on before or what will go on in the future.

And the absolute thrilling thing for is that I can be part of it..... me who had an appalling education, who failed all my exams, who ended up with very little to show for 16 years of education, except a belief in my own stupidity. Who now knows that I am a valued member of the team, that my opinion counts, that no-one thinks I'm stupid. But more importantly than any other persons view, is that I don't see myself as that anymore.

It is totally okay to admit to myself that- I AM intelligent.

The circle is complete. That scared frightened child who couldn't read when she was six, can now hold her head up and know that she is as bright as a button, as ever she was, she just didn't know it back then. And wasn't helped by the education model she lived under, of criticising rather than praising. I am a product of my time. And I thank God, that for my children and all those lovely kids in the schools I am visiting, that nowadays encouragement is the name of the game.

So that hopefully they will believe in themselves at a far earlier age than I ever did. We all have value as human beings in whatever we are, or do. It's just a pity that it sometimes takes so long to discover our worth in ourselves.

Talk to the bears

2010-09-30T09:10:00.005+01:00

These five friends live in the basket on my bedroom floor. They are quite comfy as they sit on one of the cot blankets I have from when my sons were babies.

They have been in my life since I was born, well at least Essel Teddy has, who is the small bear given to me the day I was born. The only other one with a name outside of Teddy, Rabbit and Penguin is my beloved Smokey Joe.

Smokey Joe is a little grey cat who used to have ears and fur and even a squeak. And everywhere I went she came too! All photographs of me up to the age of about 6 she is clutched in my arms. She, along with a later addition called Jells are to come with me when I go on my final journey, so I'm not lonely.

Cause I'm never lonely when I have a friend to talk to. And sometimes if there aren't any human ones around and Miss Trix isn't listening then my old bears will always listen. They are collectively and individually extremely good at hugging me when I'm upset and crying.Although the ones in the photograph are so fragile they have all retired form active care. So the bears that sit by my bed are the ones that do the work nowadays

And a few years back when I lived in a place with no heating and my husband had walked out on me all those lovely bears all cuddled around me in bed to get me warm enough to go to sleep at night.And to listen to my broken heart.

When I travel there are two little bears who fit into the palm of my hand who have looked after me on more than one occasion when I've been isolated and stuck at an airport say. Even if I can't hold them cause I'm supposed to be a grown up(!) then I'll open my bag just to have a look at them and they'll send me some of their bear strength to help me hold it together.

Cause the thing I've learnt over the years is it's easy to do things as long as you have support. And the life I lead is one where the things are more often than not done on my own. So having a friend, however small is vital.

It all goes back to when we were tiny and Mummy or Daddy would tuck us in our cots and beds and pop a friend down the bed next to us to help keep us safe whilst they went downstairs for the evening.

I suggest to my clients that they all need bears ( or rabbits, cats,any fluffy toy as long as it has an understanding face) Cause when I'm trying to get them to learn to deal with their feelings in a healthier way than keeping them in and getting depressed, they need support when they let go of the bad stuff.

If I had my way there would be no more anti-depressants. People would be prescribed punch bags and bears. Cause learning to let go of rage by beating hell out of a punch bag is wonderfully liberating. And having a friend who will listen endlessly to our sorrow without getting bored, or commenting, and being there to give a hug and mop up the tears is what everyone needs. And the only thing I know that will do all those tasks without question is a friendly bear. Cause friends and family only have so much tolerance to our repeated stories. Our real pets wander off, but a bear sticks around for as long as he is held.

So what do you use in the dark of the night to listen to your pain?

Say it with flowers

2010-09-25T17:01:00.005+01:00

The weather has changed and the Autumn cold has appeared, so despite it being a glorious sunny day it was chilly.
I took this pics this morning walking in the school grounds.
I've got a weekend by myself. Youngest has gone to London to a concert at Wembley Stadium. Booked into his first London hotel with his girlfriend. Which I think's pretty adventrous. Not sure I could have driven there and sorted out tickets and reservations at his age.
As I sit here and look towards my dining room there is a bunch of lilies on the table. Bought for me by him, so I don't get upset cause he'd bought his girlfriend some red roses.
So this evening I'm making me a home made steak pie and have a bottle chilling and a movie to watch.... bliss!

Exhaustion

2010-09-24T14:05:00.006+01:00

How can I find the words to say
Whatever it is won't be right
The pain being told that I'm wrong
Over and over again
The ability to roll with the punches diminishes over time
The daily stress and exhaustion wear me out
I always thought it would get easier as I got older
I really am bored with being a verbal punch bag
The day can't quick enough when he leaves home.
This sentence has gone on for 19 years now.
When do I get off for good behaviour?
To think I've lived for 37 years more than him
and apparently don't know anything.
How did that happen, when I know I'm smart!
GGGGGGRRRRRRRR!

Walking with friends

2010-09-19T19:07:00.006+01:00

I've been in Abingdon in Oxfordshire for the weekend. It's about 8 miles from Oxford, not that I bothered going there, too many people in Oxford. I went to stay with my oldest friends. I've known them for 26 years. We first met when I lived in the same road that they still live in.
The weather was astonishing, after all the rain we've had recently. It was hot and wonderfully bright. We walked around the ruined Abbey grounds and down by the River Thames.
We went out for meals, and we talked and talked.
I got told off for not talking enough about myself when I finally did! I'd got all stewed up inside for days about pressures of my life and it took sitting around in our dressing gowns all morning for Wendy to get it all out of me. Then she gave me a huge hug for not letting it out when we've talked on the phone recently and for having to then spend a couple of hours this morning letting go.
So I consider myself told (again!) for being naughty and keeping stuff in.And not asking my friends for help when I need it.
Cause the result of not asking friends has been expensive as I've tried to shop my way out of my feelings. Which as to be expected didn't work at all. Although the new clothes do look fab!
And when I got back there were two lovely contacts from Sorrow and Robyn letting me know they'd been thinking of me.
I am truly blessed and loved and I should remember that when I screw myself up with pain.
So lesson learned this weekend, well at least for now!
Hope you like these few pics of my fantastic walk

Connections with love

2010-09-11T11:15:00.005+01:00

I do so love connections with people I care about.
You know the sort of thing, the phone ringing just as you were about to pick it up and ring that self same person.

One of the places I think a lot about people, is on my walks. And the number of times that I later find out that they were thinking about me, at a similar time is just astounding.

I've mentioned here before I sit at my desk typing on my laptop, surrounded by treasures people I love have given me. It's a very random selection of stuff. There are crystals, lapis lazuli, zinc, tourmaline. There are two small labyrinths, one in metal, one in clay. There are two feathers, a herons and and a magpies. There is a native Indian rattle,a kaleidoscope a rabbit in a green dress, two empty bullet cases and several photographs.

Two of the photographs have been sent to me by Sorrow, both are of a lake, one with a pontoon jutting out into the water and the other of a fabulous sunset.

What I realised is that I have taken two photographs almost exactly the same only in England. The pontoon one was taken at Ullswater in the Lake District on a weekend away. And the sunset was from a walk in a late summer evening at Knypersley Pond in Staffordshire.

These four pictures are almost identical. I do not know when Sorrow took hers. I do know where they were taken, as I've been on a canoe on that lake with her two years ago.

What I love about these pics is that we see things with the same heart and eyes. That despite only having spent a few days in each others company in the last couple of years that we have a massive spiritual connection that transcends normal day to day contact. And that being able to have that connection with her, and with other friends is what love means to me. Knowing that I have that connection with her and others makes life worth living.

So to all those amazing people who I'm privileged to call my friends I thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me, as I do you

Grumpy old woman goes walking

2010-09-08T15:01:00.006+01:00

On Saturday I walked 10 miles around the Goyt Valley. It is evident how little water there is in the reservoirs. Makes me wonder how much rain will be needed to fill them up again. Not that there is any danger in this country of that not happening. Especially in the north west of England an area renowned for it's rainfall.

Today I walked 9 miles up hill and down dale. Went up the Roaches and down into my beloved Lud's Church. The Roaches had the normal amount of people we'd expect to see on a weekday morning. But Lud's Church was like Grand Central! There have been two television programmes about it recently and so people are flocking to it. We came across a group of 20 and then one of 12 all arriving in Lud's as we are trying to get out through the mud.

We came across the two ladies who asked on the Roaches, if there was anything else to see apart from the view..... WHAT? This is one of the most beautiful bits of countryside in the British Isles, what were they expecting MacDonalds or a shopping mall at the top? Of course wearing a maxi dress and suede booties wasn't the best outfit for checking it out either!

Then there was the woman in Lud's who was literally screaming cause she got mud on her.....This is a natural crevice of a 100' deep, and what do you know, the floor of it is fed by endless droplets of water from the cliff faces. Perhaps she wanted a carpet.

Or the final daft woman of the day who yelled at us to mind our sandwiches as her dog was about. Excuse me? Surely she should be controlling the dog and keeping it away from us, rather than us having to attend to the safety of our food

I'm all for people enjoying the countryside, but as someone once said there is no such thing as bad weather, just wrong clothes. Or in today's cases wrong attitude!

Come out for a walk by all means, but get your walking boots on,a rucksack on your back and a map (unless you know where your going) rather than shoes and a handbag!

And for goodness sake accept that the countryside is muddy, dirty, wet,overrun with nettles and bracken, has hills and dales and that all of those have to be taken into account alongside breathtaking views and startling scenery.

What water means to me

2010-09-05T09:30:00.011+01:00

The sound of water, no matter how or when,
just need the sound.

The pitter, patter of rain on the window
The pouring down upon the roof.

The crisp clean gurgling over rocks
Gushing, rushing on its way

The slip sloping water as it meanders down the river
just lapping with gentle ripples upon the bank

The diamond sparkling droplets full of rainbows
The light on the water wherever it is

The building of sound as it gets to the sea
the crashing of waves upon the shore.

This is what keeps me sane